Naming it can be useful, but normally just for me - it gets a message across about what I'll accept and what I won't, IYKWIM.

Saying "I find that very controlling" or "I feel like when you say X, you are trying to control me and that makes me feel angry/resentful etc" can help me. Most passive aggressive types will deny it and try to turn it on you, cos they can't accept they're wrong. I just shrug and stare them in the face while they're trying it on. Then change the topic.

Often though, I just can't win, so don't bother. You just get in a huge argument, where you're the nasty pasty who made them upset. Remember, they're trying to control something whilst feeling out of control. Being called on it makes them feel even more out of control. The best way to deal with it is to positively reinforce non-controlling behaviour/words (assuming you know they're not controlling you) and ignore the controlling stuff. They learn the only way to get what they want is to be honest/open. Yes, it is like training children, but when adults act like children, I treat them that way (though not obviously I hope). Unfortunately I don't have a poker face, so if I think someone's out of line, it usually shows on my face straight away, which can cause problems enough.

I think the other thing is over time, except for my Dad, I managed to lose other manipulative/passive aggressive types in my life, just by not reacting to it. It's hard when it family, but not buying into it with friends usually means they either stop it or we don't stay friends. That can be very painful at the time, but the pain of being manipulated by friends ended up with me making a choice about what kind of friends I want anyway

btw - so I don't sound completely holier-than-thou. I'm like this because I was raised having to deal with the continual head banging frustration of passive aggression in my immediate family. I absolutely loathe it. However, when I feel like I can't get my own way, occassionally I've behaved like this myself. I try hard as hell not too, but I've noticed what I'd call typical female indirectness in conversations with DH. Either he pulls me up on it or I realise what I've done and fess up. It's usually when something is very important to me and I feel stuck or emotional about the best way of addressing it. So, I'm also continually learning to be more open and honest. The downside of being exposed to a master manipulator is you learn very early how to do it and it's often the easy way out when dealing with others. In my past, I've used it on previous bf's, which just ended up making me feel like a complete b****, so I stopped and tried another way.