Passive Aggression... Why?

[Astrid]

One of the most classic cases of PA I have come across was from my medieval hobby. Our group was running a very large event that involved people travelling from all over Aus to come it. It required 1 evening feast and 2 lunches. As well as a lot of other stuff. It was decided that A (the PA one), whilst enthusiastic was not skilled enough to pull it off, or popular enough to get the help needed (a lot of people refused to work with her). So my DH was chosen and she could assist if she wanted to. Anyway to get to the point, she was not happy. She hated my DH running things, she hated the site that was chosen etc. So she refused to support the event, fair enough, the boys had a bit of a laugh at her expense, but we moved on to getting the job done.

Every week after that fateful meeting DH was approached by different older group members, ones who rarely showed their heads, the expressed their concern about the event. We thought this was odd, as they really knew nothing about what was being organised. Anyway we finally twigged, A had just so happened to have visited each one of these members the weekend before. Once we worked it out and confronted those members, they backed down. The interfering did not stop though, once word was out about concerns other parties got involved, got to love the gossip grapevine

It all went well despite her sabotage, but it could have easily failed. A was a competitive person, who also did not know how to voice her opinions in a way that others would listen and respect. Very sad that she would see the failure of the group in order for her to be right. Nasty, nasty piece of work.

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

I tend to agree with Astrid ... I think a lot of it is that people don't know how else to be.
I think some people aren't comfortable being assertive, and they see it as a safe way of digging at someone - because it's not openly out there, they can deny if they are called on it KWIM?

Perhaps in that case, it IS more of a self confidence issue than a deliberate attempt to be evil and manipulative? As in, 'I don't think enough of myself to outwardly tell you that I think you're wrong, so I'll do it this way instead to get it off my chest'?

[Inanna]

I think passive aggression for me Maz is when someone says a smart arse thing but cloaks it as a joke perhaps or as Cai says changes a FB status... Like Lulu I really don't have that in my life any more! I always ask for clarification if I don't understand. Usually it's because I don't understand!!!

I've had to learn that way of communication as I had a father who has the communication skills of a Gnat and a Mother who screamed like a banshee... My saving Grace was a Gran that had good skills (though passive aggression was one of her negative default patterns as it is with many of us I think) & I had good role models in other friends, colleagues, teachers etc.

I am not sure though that passive aggression is always the case Cai perhaps??? Sometimes people can misunderstand what another person has said - or at least the meaning of it. When I was younger I was much more forthright than I am now... I was often misunderstood. When I would say: "that's not how I see it - this is how I see it... " it would often be seen as confronting. In all honesty it probably sounded like that. As with age I have learned the vocal nuances that show you respect the difference but don't see it the same... Perhaps this can happen?

Also as BG said: some people may mistake her informing posts as judgemental & I am hearing her say that's not the case she's just being factual. I think that's what was meant?

I am also like that sometimes on different topics. Others I am not so... I can be a passionate speaker/writer/opinion... That's because I am passionate not because I am aggressive! However, if you don't know me you might think I am an arrogant pig! YK???

Sometimes I think it's best to just give the benefit of the doubt. I've noticed that some people jump to negative conclusions in our BB Community at times too. Sometimes I jsut don't "get" how they got to that thought... I feel that the person has been misunderstood and otehrs will be up in arms...

I think we need to remember we all have a filter. Changing your FB status to reflect a perceived "wromg" from someone (who the hell does that anyway??? I honestly don't know anyone who behaves that way!!! ) is overtly aggressive - not even passive!

Sometimes saying: mmmm is that how you see it? Or no actually I don't agree with you! Is okay (I hope as it's how I live!!!).

I think we have to realise that we all have our filters. What's happened in our day, our mood, sleep levels, hormone levels, hunger, thirst all affect how we see and hear things.

I reckon a lot of the time if it's just questioned... "I am thinking you're having a go at me" "am I right" that really separates the girls from the women!!! I know I have done that to you Cai - because what I know of you is sometimes things can come out more harshly than you mean... Just like sometimes things come out of me more forthright than is acceptable. We all have our stuff yeah?

So, my advice would be just call it... "I am thinking (not feeling as it's not a feeling it's a thought!) you were having a poke at me?" Then they might say: Arrrrgh I was having a crappy afternoon. I'm sorry it sounded like that. It was about me not you... Done!

I think we have to be the change. If someone can't handle being disagreed with or asked direcxtly what they meant... Well that's theirs to work on... Dom't take it on board...

[Inanna]

I also wanted to say - I really don't think PA is evil as it's actually the most common way of communicating poorly! Almost every pperson alive would have utilised it at some point. Because we are all learning and growing. We all have things to work on. I do think it's not evil... I would hate for someone to identify with this method of communicating & believed they were thought as evil...

[Rouge]

I think personally if someone is AWARE of their behaviour, and have the ability to expend energy on finding ways to be passive aggressive then that is an evil to me. It's dishonest, and I hate dishonesty. And I hate it when people are not only lying to me through passive aggression but also themselves. Like lulu I've rid my life of it. And it's a definite deal breaker in any relationship with me.

I think there seems to be a lot of personal interpretations as to what passive aggression is. Passive Aggression is often from what I've seen as very victim based. The kiss slap method in conversation can be seen as passive aggression if it's done with malicious intent but to be seen as lovely. This is the type of deceitful behaviour I cannot stand. Presenting yourself one way when you actually have anger or hate underneath is Passive Aggressive, and when you throw emotional blackmail and manipulation into the mix it's just nasty.

I'm slowly learning how to deal with it and that makes me very very happy Because it sure makes my life easier.

[Lulu]

The common form is (to me) - not actually saying what you mean, creating a sense of insecurity in someone.

Making someone feel BAD cloaked in a (seemingly) innocuous comment.

Or making someone "pay" for a percieved wrong in a completely different way ie - you don't really want to go to DH's work function but instead of telling him you aren't going you stuff around and make him sweat by being late.

Again (for me) too pathetic to be HONEST.

ETA - and I DO think it's EVIL. Seriously - what do you have to lose by being honest? PA can be the cause of so much pain and heartbreak for other (kinder) people, it gives everyone the run around. If you can dress something in a PA way, you have the ability to choose NOT to do it too.

[Jellyfish]

I will admit I have been passive aggressive in my interactions before; for me it usually comes out during frustration which stems from being hurt, misunderstood or not heard. I think it can be a bit of a safety net -- just like somebody might say "hey, how funny is it that P thinks we would make a cute couple?" trying to gouge a response without putting yourself too far out there. I think people can fall into passive aggression for similar reasons -- wanting somebody to understand where they are coming from without having to spell out what could be embarrassing or hard to admit. It can also just be a knee-jerk response when somebody has hurt you, you sometimes (in the heat of the moment) think the only way for them to realise/understand is to make them hurt too.

I don't think it is evil (of course, those that are aware of what they are doing are a different thing all together) and I think a lot of the time people don't realise until after (ie. aren't intentionally trying to be manipulative) but I wouldn't think of it as the most constructive or considerate way to communicate. Maybe we should be discussing alternative ways at dealing with certain emotions and getting your point across in a more effective manner?

ETA: Personally, what I try to do is just be extremely vigilant in thinking before I speak (type etc). Why am I saying this? What am I trying to achieve? How would I feel if things were reversed and this was being said to me? Is there a better way?

[Rouge]

That's a great idea Jellyfish.

And don't get me wrong I'm not a perfect panda either. There were times in my life where I have been passive aggressive myself. And it's something I'm not proud of. I think for me the reason I was and the reason I hate it so much (and associate it as an evil) is because of the fact it was used as a great part of my upbringing and it was very emotionally abusive.

[Astrid]

I do believe some PA is evil, I think my event example show that, but I do know that some of it is sometimes all we have left. Take Lulu's example of the dinner. I could tell my DH till I was black and blue in the face that I did not want to go, but he would not listen and insist I go anyway. That in turn could lead me to being PA as he ignored my request to not go. Sometimes if you are not heard or if you are heard, but not responded to in a respectful way, then PA can rear its ugly head.

[Inanna]

The common form is (to me) - not actually saying what you mean, creating a sense of insecurity in someone.

Making someone feel BAD cloaked in a (seemingly) innocuous comment.

Or making someone "pay" for a percieved wrong in a completely different way ie - you don't really want to go to DH's work function but instead of telling him you aren't going you stuff around and make him sweat by being late.

Again (for me) too pathetic to be HONEST.

Yes I feel the same way as Lulu that the above to me is what it is... I dom't get it either. What I think I've been misunderstood by here Cai is that sometimes I have heard someone labelled as that when perhaps they have been misunderstood too! Sometimes we can be overly sensitive to it when it's not really there.

I think it would be an amazing person who had never used it. Like Lulu's dinner thing... However, it's obviously not a great thing to do!

I find when people respond with "whatever" passive aggressive. I know some people dom't but I do! I am trying to illustrate that we all see it a little differently. I think to label someone evil for using it would mean we all were!

I find it PA when people just ignore or don't reply to you also. It is a power trip... So, we all have a little different idea.

But like Lulu I find it a very uncomplimentary habit & I choose to not spend time with those who use it a lot.

[Inanna]

I didn't read your response until now JF... I agree that people are often unconscious that they are using it. Maybe on reflection that feel that way & then are embarassed? I don't know. I do know though that it is such an insidious thing & one that for a long time I was hypersensitive to it & it took years to work through and realise that not everyone was trying to manipulate...

[Rouge]

Ahh see the misunderstanding stuff is a whole other thread LOL.

[briggsy's girl]

Also as BG said: some people may mistake her informing posts as judgemental & I am hearing her say that's not the case she's just being factual. I think that's what was meant?

yup - i post fact, people see it as being aggressive or having a dig. it's gotten to the point i'm not sure if i should post in the threads as it's often taken out of context. in most cases i don't have enough knowledge of the person to care or to try to do anything to upset them, i simply make the government jargon understandable as much as i can. often that is taken as me trying to have a go.

and yes, FB status updates happen. often. it's pathetic but amusing to watch unfold when it's directed at you and they don't get the rise they want! or maybe i just have a warped sense of humour...

[Rouge]

So are you saying then Inanna that I'm too sensitive and passive aggression isn't as prevalent in my life as I think it has been?

[BellyBelly]

I know this all too well, forever putting up with it. Read this, was enlightening and made soooooo much sense. I think you'll relate this to someone we both know well Rouge

Afraid to Rage: The Origins of Passive-Aggressive Behavior | Psychology Today

Afraid to Rage: The Origins of Passive-Aggressive Behavior
How unresolved fear and anger can lead to passive-aggression.
Published on June 15, 2008

At one pole of communication stands passivity: not speaking out for fear of adverse consequences. At the other end stands aggressiveness: voicing negative sentiments without restraint or regard for their effect on others. In between passivity and aggression lies the golden mean: asserting one's thoughts and feelings, wants and needs, while at the same time showing appreciation and respect for the other's viewpoint.

Assertiveness, the ideal compromise between the extremes of passivity and aggression, is part of our natural endowment--our "universal personality," as it were. When we first come into the world, and even before we become verbal and can articulate what's going on inside us, we possess the rudimentary ability to communicate. Innately, we know how and when to smile, to yawn, to express surprise, anger or trepidation and, indeed, to convey a broad variety of emotional distress through crying--even wailing (as many a parent can woefully testify). We're not yet able to employ language to identify our particular frustrations, or consider the likely reactions of our caretakers, but we're unconstrained in letting our feelings be known.

The Problem

If we grew up, however, in a family that couldn't, or wouldn't, attach much value to our basic needs and wants, our natural impulse to assert ourselves became suppressed. If when we talked directly to our parents about our desires, we were derided as selfish, of thinking only of ourselves, we learned that it simply wasn't acceptable to want what we wanted, need what we needed. Similarly, when we repeatedly received the message that we were a burden (or "just another mouth to feed"), we learned that if we voiced our wishes we were endangering a parental bond already experienced as tenuous.

The same is true when we received the message that we were an inconvenience, or too demanding, or didn't deserve whatever it was we were requesting. And if our parents were outright angry with us, yelling at us whenever we straightforwardly expressed our wants, the very thought of continuing to voice them may have filled us with anxiety. Moreover, if we communicated our anger at their denial and their reaction to such assertiveness was scary or punishing, we would have learned to keep our anger strongly bolted inside, afraid to express that which would surely come back to haunt us.

We therefore may have felt required to cultivate a certain attitude of passivity, and acquiesce to whatever lesser role our caretakers chose to assign us. After all, as children we all struggle in one way or another to experience our bond with our parents as secure. Any behavior felt to threaten this bond would need somehow to be eradicated. Of necessity, then, we'd have to renounce many of our basic wants and needs. How could this not be the case when we felt criticized, attacked, maybe even rejected almost every time we asserted ourselves? It would likely have seemed that we had no choice but to give up what we wanted--or maybe even teach ourselves not to want whatever regularly led to our parents' denial or disapproval.

But, of course, fundamental needs and wants--whether for comforting, encouragement, support, or some material item that might at least symbolize our importance to our parents--never really disappear. They simply go into hiding. Fearing the repercussions of making our needs known, we keep them tucked away, secret from those who might be disgruntled by our asserting them. While feeling compelled to censor their expression, however, we may nonetheless feel this deprivation keenly. But at least as frequently, we go from suppressing the expression of these needs to repressing them entirely. Because experiencing these wants and needs can itself get connected in our minds with parental disapproval or rejection, we may well feel obliged to obliterate even the awareness that they exist.

Passivity--or non-expressiveness--is the inevitable result. Tragically, we may forfeit all consciousness of our most basic needs just to avoid the anxiety linked to them. After all, when we're young, asserting anything that might threaten our dependency on our parents would feel, almost literally, as hazardous to our survival. And as children we intuitively grasp our profound inability, independent of our caretakers, to care for ourselves. On our own, we would surely die. So we have no choice, if we are to secure this most vital connection, but to adapt to their preferences--and repress our own.

Yet our needs--however unattended to, and however unaware we may train ourselves to be of them--persist. And somewhere inside us there is anger that our parents do not love us enough to make these needs the priority they can't help but be for us. For nine months in the womb all our basic needs were addressed--automatically. How, then, could we not have entered the world with a certain sense of entitlement? So deep inside us we rage for that which we now feel deprived of. Although we may have repeatedly received the message that we didn't deserve whatever it was we longed for, somewhere inside us we felt we did deserve it.

The (Pseudo-) Solution

So how does this unrelenting frustration--and this inexpressible rage--get resolved? As children, how can we safely discharge these powerful feelings of being denied what our infant self must feel is its birthright--in a sense, as entitled to as mother's milk, made for its own nurturance?

Obviously, it's not safe to vent such rage directly. We'd be called selfish, bad, out of control. And we'd likely be yelled at, or even punished physically--another reminder that our bond with our parents was fragile and easily ruptured by any blunt expression of anger. It's only reasonable that we'd be afraid to overtly let our frustrations be known. For it's way too anxiety-producing to take what feels like our survival into our own hands, to offend those on whom we most depend.

And so--and all of this could be unconscious--we're emotionally desperate to find a viable way of letting out our frustrations, our hurt and indignation that our needs have been slighted or dismissed by those responsible for our care. Because it's impossible to annihilate our anger, the felt urgency to release it only gets stronger over time, even as we endeavor to suppress it. Periodically, we must find a way of alleviating this negative emotional build-up without causing serious damage to a relationship already perceived as precarious.

This is where the loss of personal integrity--in a word, lying--enters the picture. And we lie to ourselves, as well as to our parents. In essence, this is what passive-aggression is all about: "acting out" our grievances, behaviorally protesting what is experienced as unfair, while yet contriving to protect the relationship we really can't afford to jeopardize. Surreptitiously, we find ways to sabotage, undermine, deceive, betray. In a way, we retaliate against our caretakers by doing to them much of what we feel they've done to us. We disappoint, withhold, disengage, make up excuses, and blame others for our own mistakes and misbehaviors. In multiple ways we resist cooperating with our parents' directives. We deny what they need--but always with an explanation that (at least partially) gets us off the parental hook. "We just forgot," "we didn't mean to," "we really didn't understand what was asked of us," "we had no idea it'd turn out that way, "it was just an accident," "it really wasn't our fault," and on and on and on.

Beyond this--unless our passive-aggression is a lot more passive than aggressive--we manipulate. Oh, how we manipulate! Like con-artists in training, we look for all the possible ways to address our needs and desires without coming out and requesting them directly. We become masters of indirection and subterfuge. Feeling so powerless in our relationship with our parents, we attempt to "grab" this power passive-aggressively. We might, for instance, sneak money from our father's wallet to buy the school lunch we wanted, tossing into the garbage the dried-out baloney sandwich our mother had earlier prepared for us.

At some point we may have to pay a price for our various "accidental" errors and misdeeds. But if we've covered our tracks reasonably well, our parents can't be entirely sure of just what happened, or what our actual motives were. So any punishment we receive is likely to be substantially less than had we been honest in the first place.

In effect, our parents--in their inability, or unwillingness, to adequately take care of our dependency needs--unwittingly taught us to become manipulators and liars. Had we, alternatively, learned from them that being assertive and direct would more effectively address our needs, it's likely we would not have devised such an unhealthy arsenal of devious tactics. Additionally, if our self-interested machinations were clever enough (or unconscious enough), we may end up fooling ourselves just as much as we fooled them. In this case, we never have to acknowledge our vindictive motives of rebellion or retaliation. For having to acknowledge such acting out of our frustrations and resentments might cause us to become more anxious (and possibly guilty as well).

Present-Day Defenses--and the Challenges We Face

By way of qualification, I'd like to emphasize that what I've been describing is to some degree exaggerated. I've wanted to illuminate what I see as a universal personality phenomenon--that is, I think all of us, in various ways, display certain passive-aggressive tendencies. In addition, only rarely are parents so unsupportive and withholding that we end up as adults with full-blown passive-aggressive personality disorders. Still, I believe it's useful to suggest that many of the barriers that prevent so many of us from taking full responsibility for our behavior, as well as from communicating our needs and wants directly, derive from old (and no longer appropriate) childhood "survival programs."

If, for instance, we became at some point hyper-sensitive to our parents' negative evaluations, we're likely as adults to want to blame others for problems that may be primarily of our own doing. In this way, we circumvent the criticism we might otherwise receive--and the associated anxiety such blame might re-awaken in us.

Our avoidant tendencies, too, may have originated from our past when we learned to do whatever was necessary to avert conflict. Dependent as we were on our parents, it may have felt too dangerous to risk antagonizing them. So to keep our anxiety manageable, we endeavored to minimize angry confrontations. Given our parents' unreliability in meeting our needs, we probably didn't want to depend on them at all. But since we had to, we also had to restrain ourselves in our dealings with them. And so--again as adults--we may reveal a self-defeating tendency to avoid any problematic discussion that, to us, might become distressingly contentious.

Whatever passive-aggressive traits we may have are strikingly akin to what is known in psychology as hostile dependency--and both terms are similarly oxymoronic. Since we could never trust that our parents would respond positively to our needs, now grown up we're still not comfortable being in situations of dependency. But if, nonetheless, we're saddled with unmet dependency needs from the past, we inevitably bring these needs--as well as our ambivalence about these needs--to all our close relationships. So if we give mixed messages to those we're involved with (ultimately leaving them hurt, confused, or even outraged by our hostile-dependent reactions to them), it's because we've never resolved our internal conflict (or feelings of risk) about being dependent in the first place.

It's important to realize that passive-aggression is not necessarily less aggressive simply because it's passive. Essentially, passive-aggression is an indirect form of aggression--not necessarily a milder form of aggression. Consequently, even as our unmet dependency needs from childhood may compel us toward relationships that offer us the hope of being comfortably dependent on another, our un-discharged anger toward our parents (who frustrated these needs initially) may prompt us to dump these still unresolved feelings on anyone who might actually be disposed to care for us. But whether or not we're empathic enough to be aware of it, being late for a date (or breaking it at the last minute) with some lame excuse can still be extremely hurtful to another--as can a sarcastic remark thinly masked as an attempt at humor. In both instances, we might claim innocent intent, but we've nonetheless managed to draw blood. And finally our innocence must be seen as questionable.

Assuming we're willing to take responsibility for whatever predisposition we may have toward passive-aggressive behavior, we need to make peace with whatever we felt deprived of when we were growing up. We need to find ways (with or without professional intervention) to release and resolve old anger and resentment. We need to finally accept that our parents, given their own particular resources and limitations, gave us as much as they could. And we need to recognize that in our lives as adults we can't continue to punish others for what they failed to give us. We need to solicit, and carefully attend to, feedback from those who've reached out to us--and, indirectly, been rebuffed in return. And we need to locate, confront and overcome the deep-seated anxiety that created our tremendous ambivalence about close relationships in the first place.

If, finally, we are to evolve into better, more compassionate human beings, we need to develop for others the empathy and understanding that we ourselves may never have received in growing up.

For More Information

To learn more about the passive-aggressive personality type, please see:

Field Guide to the Passive-Aggressive Personality
Field Guide to the People Pleaser
How to Tame Your Passive-Aggression
Useful books on the subject include: Overcoming Passive-Aggression; Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man; and Passive-Aggression: A Guide for the Therapist, the Patient and the Victim

To assess your own level of passive-aggression, go to the quiz originally published in Prevention magazine but available here.

And--lastly--I invite readers to follow me on Twitter. Leon F. Seltzer (drlee1) on Twitter

[Inanna]

Aaah but is it? Because I think we all hear things differently. I am used to dealing in figures and fact so I often don't hear things as harshly as some others do.

I also have a wicked sense of humour...

But I do know that for me personally the PA thing was a huge issues. I thought I could smell it a mile off - when really sometimes I was just being judgemental and over sensitive (due to my childhood growing up with it!)... So, my filter was different to say: BG.. (just a random example!)

See what I mean? So it's just a gentle suggestion that sometimes we see it or feel it because of what we are feeling inside... Just a thought/experience of my own that may or may not mean anything here!!!!

[Rouge]

Yeah I think it is otherwise I wouldn't have said it

Kelly that's a great article There are so many people that could be about that we are both close too unfortunately LOL!

[Jennifer13]

Okay, okay, I know this my old violin, but this is my MIL to a tee. To start with, anyway. If the PA doesn't work she usually then switches straight to outright aggressive, crying, yelling, complete breakdown. And then she doesn't want to speak to the person who she was dealing with (and sometimes nobody else in the world either ).

Eg: We've clearly got a rocky relationship with MIL. So we limit our involvement. We also limit her input into our DD's life, especially in terms of what she may choose to shower upon her, for very clear reasons that I won't go into here. So we bring up that DD will be starting piano lessons as soon as we get a second-hand piano. Time frame in mind, etc. MIL says she would like to buy her a new piano. We point out politely that's too extravagant for a four year old who might not stick with it, and thank you, but no thanks. Subject done, right? Wrong! Every time we see her and anything about money comes up (eg she bought a new car, great, we like it, etc, she says she could have gotten a better one), she needs to save the money, for things like DD's new piano. Seriously! So we say no thank you, it's too expensive, politely demure, just as before. Let's just say that's happened three times!!!!

It does our collective head in!! There's no changing her, we have already limited the time we spend with her and all we can do is behave the way we've set out and let it slide. There've been no more screaming attacks from her side for four years, because we disengage, but the emotional turmoil doesn't stop. And she does it to BIL and SIL as well, with much the same outcome.

I'm reading a great book on dealing with controlling people. I'm hoping to get some tips!