Talking about Pain...

[Inanna]

Great post Nettie

Misty I understand your feelings - what is the worst thing that can come of it though? Does it really matter what others think of you? Yes of course we all like to be liked - that's part of us that is very challenging to let go - we are raised to care about what others think. Letting go of it takes a LOT of work.

I try very hard with my kids to teach them to measure against their hearts, against the Wisdom of people that they respect, words they respect not the greater masses. The greater masses think that Paris Hilton is cool & we should spend more money on war than on our health system - don't measure against that. YOU are worthy & wonderful & special as are we all.

[fionas]

I think you hit the nail on the head Inanna when you said that letting go of that need to be liked takes a lot of hard work - time and energy that many of us simply find too difficult to find in our everyday lives.

Ooops, gotta go but will come back later.

[misty]

It isn't just a need to be liked though.

Honestly, I consider myself a pretty confident person. It doesn't usually bother me too much if someone doesn't like me, I don't expect everyone too - particularly given how outspoken I am.

I guess it is more of a concern that people will treat me differently once they know certain things about me. I like the way I am treated by people most of the time. People see me as confident, outgoing, strong, all together. If I share certain things, then maybe they will change this opinion? Maybe they will treat me differently? Maybe they will censor themselves in certain ways?

I have learnt over time to deal with my own issues, by myself. So maybe by opening up too much, I would risk loosing some of that control that I feel I have. I am not sure I would even know what to do if someone did offer me unconditional support, because I don't know how to lean on anyone else (besides my DH), I never have. I really do find myself at a loss as to how to react if anyone does show me sympathy or concern - it makes me uncomfortable, and I don't know what I am supposed to do with it.

[littlelara]

You don't have to do anything with it, Misty. If it's unconditional it comes with no expectation, you just say "Thank you" and if you feel like letting that person see the less revealed side of yourself you do it, maybe with baby steps.
Sometimes knowing that you could ask for help and be heard is enough.

[Arcadia]

I guess it is more of a concern that people will treat me differently once they know certain things about me. I like the way I am treated by people most of the time. People see me as confident, outgoing, strong, all together. If I share certain things, then maybe they will change this opinion? Maybe they will treat me differently? Maybe they will censor themselves in certain ways?

I wish I'd seen this thread sooner.

Misty, your words really resonate with me. I am a very open person, but I have learnt to pick and choose who I open up to about certain things, because I am scared of loosing the image some people may have of me. I think its a control thing for me...I like to have some control over the narrative of myself itms?

This sort of censoring has only come about though because of negative reactions I have received from people over certain disclosures. Situations that make me cringe even now when I remember their reactions, and the realisation that I cannot take those words back...they are out there now, in someone elses conciousness as knowledge to use in their own way.

I think it is so important to teach our children empathy to minimise the risk of alienating those who are actually opening up their hearts and looking for help. So many people jump inside their own heads and judge or, feel confronted or whatever, before they think how that reaction could hurt the other person.

After I had DD I actually went to see a counsellor for a while just to vent about life as a mum, because NO ONE wanted to hear it. She was SO reassuring and said. NORMAL! normal, normal normal and sent me on my way.

BB was my other life line...

The saddest thing is, I am secretly so thankful I DIDN'T open up to some people about my early thoughts on mothering, because the facade remains intact. *Sigh* and so I too perpetuate the mask of motherhood.