yeah you're right Kim. But I will be taking a small step back, and I wont be holding back my opinions about her opinions. I cant just stand by and do or say nothing, and I wont be taking her criticism of my strength as a woman.
Yep, usually the people who think that have grown up in very dysfunctional settings themselves so to them it IS normal. Just like to me, it's normal for people to have one argument in 40 years of marriage (my parents) and to DP it's normal for people to blue on a daily basis and get over it five minutes later (his parents).
I don't know what I'd do in your situation widdly - I think I'd just say that I understood why she might think that but REALLY violence is definitely NOT OK and cheating is kind of only OK if both partners have agreed on an open relationship.
It is very scary that she is going to become a social worker BUT her studies might make her rethink some of her views and hopefully teach her that she can break her own cycle and deserves something better.
Widdly FWIW I wouldn't worry about your son seeing her son at this early stage - its not a given that just because the mums are friends that the kids will be too. But it sounds like you need to look after your own self before any friendship with her is considered
widdly, when i read this thread i got goosebumps! u have described ALL of my DH's friends relationships!! Cheating and violence is often taboo talk so its a great step that you are aware of it and can make informed decisions regarding your DS's interaction with her DS. Remember that people from all walks and ways of life come into our life for a reason. Perhaps the reason she came into yours was to show you how resilient and strong you are, and this is only just early days. You never know, the friendship the two DS's develop could be a lifelong and fulfilling.
And DITTO to Slyder! Some people just love drama in their life!
Aaah Widdly this is a sad story & one I've heard before many times sadly.
I find it not so shocking as I've heard it so much - do you know that 1 in 5 Women have been subjected to DV? And that is only those women that admit to it - as many don't due to embarassment.
So, one positive is that your friend is speaking about it. Another is she has you to model a different value system.
I believe you have a choice to continue your friendship & speak openly about your values or you can withdraw as it's too hard. Both are very valid and understandable darling.
Sometimes ones pain is too great for them to understand the awful life they are in. Sometimes it's all they know so it's "normal".
On another note I was warmed to read you had lunch with your Mama & thanked her for her wonderful role model to you - that in a nutshell is the greatest gift any Mother can give a Daughter...
Maz, wonderful to hear of your parents long happy marriage
Ianna, thanks hun. I agree that my Mum gave me the greatest gift in teaching me that women are strong and worthy creatures.
I have taken a step back from the friendship as it angers me so much that after all these years of me offering her support and love and trying to open her eyes to her life, nothing has changed. I am also good friends with her sister. Her sister has been through a lot, has been in a DV relationship, has been raped, has been in a controlling pressuring relationship, has been sexually harassed, you name it she has been through it. But, you know what, that girl has guts. She know right from wrong and she is an incredible mum to her kids. She has stood up to the men in her life who has treated her badly and rid her life of them. She is setting such a wondeful example for her daughter and son. I am there for her to support her and help her with the kids through all of this. THrough hard work she has made such huge positive changes in her life. I wish her sister would take a leaf from her book.
I was telling my friend this arvo that once her DS turns 6 she needs to find work/study toward work, PPS doesnt last for ever. It was a rude awakening for her and instead of working toward employment, she said, she will just have another baby so she can stay at home on PPS for another 6 years.....GEEZ
People who are subjected to chronic mistreatment over a period of time become accustomed to it as a coping mechanism. It's not a character flaw, it's the minds way of coping with stress. In the wonderful book "The Gift of Fear", the author describes a case involved in where a woman left her abusive husband and went to a refuge for a few days, then returned home. But when she returned home she felt unsafe again so called the refuge asking to come back. The staff asked her, "are you in danger?" and she said no. Her husband was in the next room with a shotgun. She later explained that she did not feel she was in any serious danger because he wasn't in the same room as her.
It sounds like your friend is suffering the effects of chronic abuse and mistreatment, and needs help. And having another child is a TERRIBLE idea, it will only increase the likelihood of violence.
edit: just read the whole thread thoroughly.
Inanna, I heard from someone who works for a family violence service that the actual statistic is more like 30% of women. It's just one of those things no one talks about and quite often, one can be a victim of violence without even knowing it (which I know you already know but i'm saying it for the benefit of those who don't).
From what I've read, I don't blame your friend at all for thinking the way she does or having the beliefs and values that she does. When has she seen anything different? One can't expect a person to create a life for themselves that they've never even experienced second-hand. That's not to say you're not doing the right thing by stepping back, I'd be doing the exact same thing.
Last edited by Neenee Jellybeanie; July 26th, 2010 at 12:13 AM.
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