violence and cheating is a part of every marriage

[widdly]

Its a nice way to look at it Sunny, thanks for the positive spin

[maz]

the only violence in my marriage would come about if one of us cheated then god help the plates

How truely sad and unsettling that she thinks it completely normal to settle for second best what kind of role model is she to her child and any future children.

Good god, my parents have been married for 51 years and dad has NEVER beat or cheated on my mother...he worships the ground she walks on and vice versa.

truely sad

[Inanna]

Aaah Widdly this is a sad story & one I've heard before many times sadly.

I find it not so shocking as I've heard it so much - do you know that 1 in 5 Women have been subjected to DV? And that is only those women that admit to it - as many don't due to embarassment.

So, one positive is that your friend is speaking about it. Another is she has you to model a different value system.

I believe you have a choice to continue your friendship & speak openly about your values or you can withdraw as it's too hard. Both are very valid and understandable darling.

Sometimes ones pain is too great for them to understand the awful life they are in. Sometimes it's all they know so it's "normal".

On another note I was warmed to read you had lunch with your Mama & thanked her for her wonderful role model to you - that in a nutshell is the greatest gift any Mother can give a Daughter...

[widdly]

Maz, wonderful to hear of your parents long happy marriage

Ianna, thanks hun. I agree that my Mum gave me the greatest gift in teaching me that women are strong and worthy creatures.

I have taken a step back from the friendship as it angers me so much that after all these years of me offering her support and love and trying to open her eyes to her life, nothing has changed. I am also good friends with her sister. Her sister has been through a lot, has been in a DV relationship, has been raped, has been in a controlling pressuring relationship, has been sexually harassed, you name it she has been through it. But, you know what, that girl has guts. She know right from wrong and she is an incredible mum to her kids. She has stood up to the men in her life who has treated her badly and rid her life of them. She is setting such a wondeful example for her daughter and son. I am there for her to support her and help her with the kids through all of this. THrough hard work she has made such huge positive changes in her life. I wish her sister would take a leaf from her book.

I was telling my friend this arvo that once her DS turns 6 she needs to find work/study toward work, PPS doesnt last for ever. It was a rude awakening for her and instead of working toward employment, she said, she will just have another baby so she can stay at home on PPS for another 6 years.....GEEZ

[MusicLover83]

I feel sorry for your friend. It's hard to try to help people who just don't want to be helped.

She is teaching her son that it is okay to treat women this way.

[kirsty_lee]

Wow, sounds like she's just making excuses. My IL's have been married 34 years and never laid a hand on each other or cheated on each other. Same with my parents married 24 years. I agree with Rouge, she does sound embarras and almost like she's trying to justify the behaviour. I hope she is able to open her eyes and see the realtionship for how it really is and get out.

[widdly]

thanks for your take on the situation guys

83, you are right, it is impossible to help those who dont want to be helped.

She made a comment about her son yesterday that he will be a cop, and I remarked "or the one the cops are after". Oh dear, very mean of me, this is why i am stepping back cause I dont have any thing nice to say anymore so i need to say nothing at all. I hope her son does turn into a great citizen but I just cant see how with his father beating up on his mum, having fist fights at his work and growing, supplying and constantly smoking pot. And his mum acting like its all a 'normal' okay part of life .

Anyway, over and out, this thread is just depressing, goodluck to them, time for her to start using someone else.

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

People who are subjected to chronic mistreatment over a period of time become accustomed to it as a coping mechanism. It's not a character flaw, it's the minds way of coping with stress. In the wonderful book "The Gift of Fear", the author describes a case involved in where a woman left her abusive husband and went to a refuge for a few days, then returned home. But when she returned home she felt unsafe again so called the refuge asking to come back. The staff asked her, "are you in danger?" and she said no. Her husband was in the next room with a shotgun. She later explained that she did not feel she was in any serious danger because he wasn't in the same room as her.
It sounds like your friend is suffering the effects of chronic abuse and mistreatment, and needs help. And having another child is a TERRIBLE idea, it will only increase the likelihood of violence.

edit: just read the whole thread thoroughly.
Inanna, I heard from someone who works for a family violence service that the actual statistic is more like 30% of women. It's just one of those things no one talks about and quite often, one can be a victim of violence without even knowing it (which I know you already know but i'm saying it for the benefit of those who don't).

From what I've read, I don't blame your friend at all for thinking the way she does or having the beliefs and values that she does. When has she seen anything different? One can't expect a person to create a life for themselves that they've never even experienced second-hand. That's not to say you're not doing the right thing by stepping back, I'd be doing the exact same thing.

[Taurean]

Violence and Cheating should not be a part of every marriage, whether it's the norm (and goodness I hope not!) or not.

No cheating or violence here, and neither of us would accept that in our relationship. I think your friend sounds very defensive and embarrassed. I would say she really needs some support, but at the same time she needs to want it too. I'm sorry you are going through this, it must be so confusing and you must feel so helpless.

:yeahthat:

Neither of us would accept that in our marriage or within our extended family!!! We both come from loving, supportive families, me especially. I feel awfully sorry for your friend that she believes that is the norm. It's not.

[Inanna]

Neenee I totally agree with all you say. A great post.

I actually believe that many forms of abuse are "normal" in many relationships. I see in friends relationships behaviors that I would term abusive/manipulative/unhealthy - yet to them "it's just the way they are"... Think about how that is modelled to children and they absorb that & so on and so forth...

The incidences of infidelity are about 60% of marriages - that is massive. There is always the party that does not know... I remember working with a man that was having an affair with a co worker for years his wife was very happily married and unaware...

I think infidelity and abusive behaviors are very very common - more so than we give credit for. An infidel will not openly say oh yeah I get that. They will argue very passionately that it's not okay behavior etc etc etc. Of course there are those that are completely faithful. Those that work on their behavior and aim to not use abuse. However we ALL have the tools to be abusers and infidels! We see it in every day life. It's using the tools to not be abusers that's the trick I think...

[BeautifulMadness]

Wow, I think it would highly selfish of her to bring another bubb into that type of situation