When do you stop being compassionate and just start judging?

[Lulu]

I think it is fine to not like somebody. Unless you are in a position of power and use the not liking in a evil way, or treat them badly just because of that.

Apart from that - whats the problem? It's not as if you not liking someone is going to change their lives or knock the earth off it's axis

BUT, If you are not comfortable with just not liking someone for the reasons you listed above - I'd say it's a little more than that. Yep, some people are hopeless but are having a hard time. By the same token some people are hopeless and use that as a way of life iykwim? They rely on peoples compassion to get by rather than pulling their fingers out - and I bet that's what makes you uncomfortable (calling it as it is) more than simply not liking somebody.

And what is wrong with judging anyway? Don't we have to make judgements all the time? Why not with people too? I get the 'keyhole judging' problem - but what if you have the full facts of a situation - and still don't like someone? How is that wrong? Are we supposed to constantly try to find ways of liking people to avoid feeling bad about apparently 'judging' them?

[thepixie]

I think Lulu has hit it on the head...

some people are hopeless and use that as a way of life iykwim? They rely on peoples compassion to get by rather than pulling their fingers out -

Initially it can be hard to tell the difference between :yeahthat: and someone having a genuinely hard time, but after a while it becomes pretty clear.
As for not liking people, the fact is, there are people you are not going to like. Sometimes for genuine reasons, sometimes just personality differences. Sometimes for no real reason, you just.don't.like.them. It's OK Rach, to not like people without feeling guilty about it. You don't have to tell them!
As for judging I think we all do it, all the time but we don't want to be seen to be doing it. It's human nature. To an extent I think we can let it go and think well I don't have all the facts etc. But then sometimes you need to judge people. So it's a line you have to walk.
OK now I'm rambling. But Rach I'm sure you are an awesome teacher and very popular with your students.

[Arcadia]

I am a teacher at a university, and I sooooo know what you mean. There are a lot of great students, but each year I have a few that just seem destined to fail the class. Even when given extra time, energy, and compassion they still fail. To those students I do judge them, because I feel sorry for them. I don't think the two are mutually exclusive.

[deletedit]

*puts psychology hat on* you do realise we're hardwired to judge, stereotype, and make snap decisions about people based on trivial things like how they look and dress? Its only very recently people have been pushed (this is especially true for dating) to get to know someone and NOT judge so much.

That being said, you're dealing with young people mostly, right? I used to tutor at uni back in the dark ages, I've seen the same thing. The difference in motivation between mature age students and youngsters can be dramatic. Some of them you swear they don't want to be there and don't care. They don't. They're too immature to realise they're onto a good thing and a good qualification can set them up for life, they're just there cos some school counsellor or their mum said they should be here. Some people never grow out of that stage and never do anything good with their lives. Some people just need some time. Some respond well to external motivation, some eventually get a spark from within, some ignore everything completely. I've met people in their late 30s who are complete 'losers' because they can't/won't seize perfectly good opportunities that people go out of their way to give them and are happy to play victim.

I'd try and step back and not get personally involved, its their lives and their decisions and people are hard to change, even some youngsters. Just be the best *you* can be and if it lights someone else's life up that's great, and if they don't like you or you don't like them that's fine too.

[fionas]

Good question Epacris and something that's struck a bit of a chord with me partly because of my experiences with DSD lately. I think it's great to have compassion for people and their experiences in life but at some point, when they are offered help and assistance, they have to take responsibility for their actions. If they don't accept that help and carry on making excuses, then really what more can you do?

I do often compare the way we approach 'things' now with the way my grandparents/parents generation did and I think we've swung a little bit too far with the compassion and a bit too far from taking responsibility for your own actions.

[Epacris]

Thank you so much everyone for sharing your thoughts with me, so I can muddle through mine. I’ve hung on every word. Thank you.

Yep, some people are hopeless but are having a hard time. By the same token some people are hopeless and use that as a way of life iykwim? They rely on peoples compassion to get by rather than pulling their fingers out - and I bet that's what makes you uncomfortable (calling it as it is) more than simply not liking somebody.

Yes Lulu, I think this is the clincher. But I don’t have enough information, so I give them the benefit of the doubt. But I struggle to do that sometimes.

That being said, you're dealing with young people mostly, right?

I teach natural area restoration and my classes are more diverse than any classes (anywhere) that I have ever heard of. Typically my class will be made up of: school leavers, experienced (but not qualified) bush regenerators, professionals looking for a career change, retired professionals who are interested and motivated bushcare volunteers, environmental science uni graduates looking for more practical skills, people who want to do environmental science at uni but didn’t get in, people on the dole doing this course because they get a little bit more money for it, and people on day release. So I’ve taught people ranging in age from 15 to 75 and generally a class will have an age range of 17 to 65. Hmmm, this diversity presents a considerable challenge for me as a teacher managing and catering for their different learning requirements. But it’s always a wild ride and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

[widdly]

Sometimes I have to remember to slap myself across the face and say ah, F - em, they are just blardy useless, they seem to enjoy being useless, so leave em to it. At some point adults need to stop using excuses and blaming their past for being useless