why can't I love myself?

[~breeze~]

I'm a really nice person, I know this. I truely believe I'm a great catch for a guy, I'm devoted & I look after my BF/DH as best I can.

I have a nice guy that I went to school with that is now interested in having a relationship with me. We have hung out together a handful of times (gone to the movies, beach, watched DVDs at my place etc) & on the last time we hung out watching DVDs at my place he kissed me. I felt sooooo awkward & I told him. That made it even more awkward for me, he seemed fine & has continued texting me asking to hang out since (its been about a month now since the kiss).

I've been saying no to catching up because I'm scared he'll try & kiss me again

He sent me a message tonight asking if I was ok because I sounded a bit cold on the phoe to him the other night (Fri) when he called to see if we could hang out. I told him I was going to bed so he didnt stop by.

The thing is I COULD have stayed awake & had company had I wanted it but I kinda feel like I cant trust his intentions. I mean he's told me he's attracted to me & likes me alot, would like a relationship but I cant help but think... how is he attracted to me? I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life (incl during PG's), my boobs are disgustingly big from the weight I've put on, I've got bad skin... I look in the mirror & cry!

I've been told by a few friends that they think I'm attractive & its all in my head. I understand I'm not butt ugly but I dont think I'm attractive either.

I've heard people say all the time... "you cant love someone else if you cant love yourself".

How do I start to love myself? I mean I hate the way I look but then I get all depressed about it & eat more junk food etc thinking that I dont need to look good for a BF anyway because I'm single so I might aswell just keep comfort eating, I hope that makes sense.

This is all over the shop I think. I'm tired, probably shouldnt have started typing this tonight.

If anyone can help I'd appreciate it.

TIA

[rhyb]

Darl I know where youre coming from. DP was my first bf and when he first saw me again after 6 years he comes over to see me the fattest I have ever been (not even a month post babies Im talking massive jelly belly, lactating, wearing daggy clothes and just generally not being the picture of desire that I wish I could have been), covered in baby vomit and whilst talking to him Im tending to 4 kids with stinky nappies and tummy aches etc.
DP says he thought I was beautiful regardless and that everytime he said so he meant it. To quote DP there is so much more to beauty than physical appearance. I know you (albeit via FB and BB) but you are a beautiful lovely person that deserves all the love in the world. You are doing an amazing job with 2 very gorgeous kids and if you feel ready to take a chance with this guy you should.
Take it one day at a time and try to see yourself through someone elses eyes for once

[hannanat]

I think you should explain it to him exactly how you just explained it to us. If you like him or see the potential to, give him the chance to show you how special you are.

[BellyBelly]

OMG. I just wrote a reaalllllly long and detailed post of tips that helped me and lost it Stoopid Mac

Anyways, I will come back later now but here are some links for you I was going to suggest. Will write more later *cries*

My Body Is Undesirable
I'm Too Fat (part 1) & I'm Too Fat (part 2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQeEhUWsU0o
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CcBK1Ey2oJU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzJlHg9Lc9k
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qb9bkbgxlpE

[ElleJay]

Lots of love hun, FWIW, I love you lots

[Epacris]

Heya Breeze,

You have been on such an emotional rollercoaster lately and actually, I guess you’re still well and truly on it while things with you XH are still unresolved. I think that it’s pretty normal for you to feel confused about everything including how you feel about yourself. I reckon I have a rock solid stable life and relationship and I still look at myself, not often but certainly every now and again, and think “blergh... I just look like crap”. But I get over it.

It’s great that you say you are a nice person and that you are a catch, cos you are! Now you just need to take it that little step further and feel that when you look in the mirror at yourself. I think this will just happen for you when things settle down a bit and there is more certainty in your life. Honestly, I’ve met you and I think you look lovely! AND actually, you know, it doesn’t really matter what you look like anyway, this guy that’s interested in you is interested in YOU!

Huge, huge hugs for you.

[thepixie]

I was thinking a lot about this the other night... I have only met you a couple of times, but based on what I know of you this is what I think... (forgive me if you feel I'm off the mark)
I think when you have been in a relationship for a long time where you have been manipulated, intimidated, lied to, told who you are, what you want, who you'd better be, and what you'd better want if you know what is good for you where you can't be honest about yourself, your feelings and what you want, you shut down parts of yourself. You have to, it's pure survival. When you've done that, even when you've taken the courageous step of walking away, it can take a long time to re-open the doors, air out the corners, and rediscover who you really are inside. It's hard to love someone - even yourself - when you feel you don't really know them anymore.
I think as Rach said the rollercoaster is sadly not over. There is more to resolve before XH is truly behind you. You are still wounded and vulnerable. You haven't had the chance to reconnect with yourself completely. It's when we feel wounded and vulnerable that we often wish desperately for a relationship, but often relationships are not safe for us at those times. The loving embrace of a friend who accepts you completely, on the other hand, can be very healing.
It takes time. Be patient with yourself. Start with small things - what do I want to do right now? What would make me happy this morning? Sometimes you really have to start from the ground up rediscovering what you want. When you remember what makes you happy with small things, eventually the bigger picture will become a lot clearer.