I was thinking a lot about this the other night... I have only met you a couple of times, but based on what I know of you this is what I think... (forgive me if you feel I'm off the mark)
I think when you have been in a relationship for a long time where you have been manipulated, intimidated, lied to, told who you are, what you want, who you'd better be, and what you'd better want if you know what is good for you where you can't be honest about yourself, your feelings and what you want, you shut down parts of yourself. You have to, it's pure survival. When you've done that, even when you've taken the courageous step of walking away, it can take a long time to re-open the doors, air out the corners, and rediscover who you really are inside. It's hard to love someone - even yourself - when you feel you don't really know them anymore.
I think as Rach said the rollercoaster is sadly not over. There is more to resolve before XH is truly behind you. You are still wounded and vulnerable. You haven't had the chance to reconnect with yourself completely. It's when we feel wounded and vulnerable that we often wish desperately for a relationship, but often relationships are not safe for us at those times. The loving embrace of a friend who accepts you completely, on the other hand, can be very healing.
It takes time. Be patient with yourself. Start with small things - what do I want to do right now? What would make me happy this morning? Sometimes you really have to start from the ground up rediscovering what you want. When you remember what makes you happy with small things, eventually the bigger picture will become a lot clearer.
It occured to me reading your post that you are more worried about being a devoted BF/DW......then you probably realise when he zooms in for a smooch that it hadn't occurred to you to think about what YOU want from a BF/DH. What's he doing with you anyway? What is so good about you? yadda yadda
Because you have forgotten to include yourself in you future plans you have the whole process arse about.
1) You have to believe in yourself a bit more. Has it occured to you that you might want more than a "nice guy"? Do you have criteria past that? I bet you do but you haven't got that far yet so that's why you are unsure. Maybe he is nice but not ringing any bells for you? What's so bad about that? He might not be right for you and that's ok. Why do you assume it's something wrong with you?
2) It seems for the first part you are confident in what you can give - what about what you want in return? Start listing that and believing that you deserve it (why wouldn't you?) and you will be more confident when someone doesn't hit the mark....and you know it isn't you.
If there is something you don't trust - trust your feelings! Wait it out a bit longer, don't assume you suck.
and in the future, when you truly believe in yourself (by repeatedly telling yourself why you are so awesome) and your milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard, you will be more confident about what you want them to bring.
I think the girls have made some great points, you are so used to being treated badly in a relationship that you don't believe you deserve anything better. That's a very hard mind set to get out of, you were married for a long time and haven't been free for that long- you need to value yourself for all the things you have achieved and there are a lot of them!
Huge hugs to you, its a hard road to self acceptance/love and I don't think I'm there either LOL.
You're all right. I really dont know what I want. I think part of the reason I "want" a partner is because it seems like everyone has a partner around me & they're so happy. I know relationships can be great because I have many friends in happy marriages. I guess I just want that too.
I dont think I am ready.
I also think that making love has been tainted (is that the right word?) for me too. I was so young when I got together with XH (14, he was 28) I did everything he told me to do in the bedroom, even things I didnt want to do but he told me its what GF's/DW's do for thier BF/DH so I just did as I was told. It wasn't until around the time B was born that I started saying no (I was 24 by then, he was 38) maybe it had something to do with having a child of my own, maybe it opened my eyes that I was a "grown up" now & didnt have to do things I didnt want to. I think all that may have ruined the part of me that allows passion & sensualness (is that a word? LOL) I guess when a guy shows interest I just think he wants sex... not to make love, not even just to cuddle & love me.... just to take sex from me.
I also dont trust men (from alot of stuff XH did during our relationship) so I think it will take a while for a man to be able to prove to me he's trustworthy.
I hope this has made sense. I'm also watching criminal minds at the same time & have had a headache all day so my head isnt working too well tonight!
where you can't be honest about yourself, your feelings and what you want, you shut down parts of yourself. You have to, it's pure survival. When you've done that, even when you've taken the courageous step of walking away, it can take a long time to re-open the doors, air out the corners, and rediscover who you really are inside. It's hard to love someone - even yourself - when you feel you don't really know them anymore.
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& have had a headache all day so my head isnt working too well tonight!
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