Great idea, Bath. I need a lot of peace and quiet and my own time, something I don't really get too much of these days! I can go into meltdown mode when it all gets too much - thankfully usually a holiday is about to come up when that happens! But I find I am trying to sort out DH as well; he doesn't deal with his work stresses well at all. I feel like I am constantly soothing him, but no-one is looking out for me. (I also end up leaving the house and going for a walk on my own when I need to.)
I love the "emotional housekeeping" concept - thanks very much. I apply it to myself, but I tend to call it self-maintenance. My life journey means that I cannot take my mental health for granted, and so I need time by myself to get my inner state in order, fairly regularly. I'm aware this need of mine means I don't have quite the same "capacity" in terms of my total "productivity" as a human being, however I'm also aware that some highly productive individuals are in worse emotional state than others too.
When it comes to others, yes there is a person in my life who also needs maintenance from time to time. Normally a stern talking to helps when the undesired (stress) behaviours get over the top, but sometimes it's a bit of slog getting this person to realise how out-of-step with the rest of the planet their state of mind (and behaviour) is. Equally so, there is another person in my life who is very much like you described - constant emotional upheaval and crisis, projected onto everyone else in their life (including, at times, me and the rest of my family) - and I just disengage. I won't tolerate wearning someone else's crap when I work so hard to keep my own house in order. Obviously this second person is not a member of my immediate household - I imagine that would require an entirely different level of commitment and/or choice (as to whether to continue to be a part of that household). I know that sounds harsh, but we're all ultimately responsible for our own happiness, kwim?
ETA - That constant crisis type way of being is very typical of people with "personality disorders"
- worth doing some reading about. There's a fabulous book called Stop Walking on Eggshells which is about living/coping with someone with this type of personality disorder. Might be worth checking out.
Last edited by AnyDream; April 19th, 2011 at 08:37 PM.
I have only just started to take time out & reflect over the past few years. I used to get so uptight that I'd play out how things might go or be said in my head, over & over until it used to drain me. I have been going back to that behaviour lately until I 'caught' myself out and took some time out - I booked a facial, something I used to do all the time & just enjoyed and took my thoughts inwardly. Yoga has helped me do this too. I am definatley a much calmer person these days. I just need to continue to work on being more responsible for how I react to other peoples emotions etc...
Keike - I would just book it. I used to feel guilty about doing things for myself but now I don't. This is b/c it is much more healthier for me & my DH. I have gone on holidays with my DD but without my DH and vice versa as well as gone out with my gf etc... Sometimes I just go out by myself - whether it be shopping or otherwise.
I find these days I spend a lot less time analysing my emotions BUT I can do it far quicker than I used to. Partly that's because I have to do it more quickly with two little ones running around and partly because I'm just better at it. I read a book called Buddhism for Mothers and that was a bit of an eye-opener for me. I wish I could be more articulate tonight Bath but I'm absolutely stuffed.
As for whether you trust your first instinct or the more well-thought out one, I guess a bit of both. For me, it's about what's authentic/honest ie. why I'm REALLY responding to a situation which is all about feelings.
Also, after venting about DP a while back, I guess I've also seen that it goes both ways. His reactions to certain things may not be because of the issue at hand but because of something else going on. That took me a while to grasp because on the surface, DP is so blokey and calls a spade a spade that it was hard for me to grasp that he might be worried about something that he wasn't talking about.
Anyway, highly recommend Buddhism For Mothers both in terms of talking about day-to-day issues that we face and also deeper spirituality 'stuff'.
This is an awesome thread! Fiona I'm going to find that book and read it, sounds good.
I definitely put aside time on a regular (almost daily basis) for mental housekeeping. It's not a set time, just when I need it or get a chance. I am pretty well constantly monitoring myself and thinking about how I'm feeling and whats happening. That sounds horrible written like that and I'm probably not expressing myself very well today but I think a lot about stuff like this. I'm definitely not an impulsive reactor to things. Sometimes I wish I was because it could be simpler in lots of ways but I ALWAYS think about my response and question whether its appropriate or reasonable.
I also do a lot of emotional housekeeping for others in my work. While I love my job most of the time, it has meant that I've had to develop good mental strategies for myself. To put boundaries around other people's stuff and to spend enough time with myself in my head (rather than everyone else in there as well!). That's probably why I feel like I do this every day or few days.
I also think that I'm getting better at it (or quicker as someone else mentioned) as I get older and have more life experience to compare things to. I used to ruminate for days and weeks about specific issues and replay things in my head and obssess etc but I seem to be getting faster to put things into perspective and move on. Big life events can change the way you view the little stuff. It's all relative I guess.
In terms of the people around me in my family and close friends, I think most of them are good emotional housekeepers too. Some aren't obviously and when I was younger I seemed to attract the 'dramatic' people who were always in crisis as friends. I got burned quite a few times and so now, when I spot that personality style, I am polite and friendly but I don't put myself on the line anymore and I don't invest too much emotionally unless I know it's a two way street. I have enough one-way street and 'dramatic' stuff in my working life so a while ago I decided that I didn't want to invite that sort of dynamic into my personal life. That sounds harsh but like MD said, this is part of my taking care of myself so I maintain the capacity to help others (clients, real friends etc).
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