I'm so sorry to hear you have had such an awful experience of prolonged and extreme violence. There is nothing for you to be ashamed of - what happened was not your fault. It would be very hard for anyone to live through all of that without it affecting them in some way. Sometimes that means people have nightmares, and re-experience fear/distress when something (like hearing a name) trigger those memories. This can be a sign of post-traumatic stress disorder, and while it's a natural reaction to terrible things, it can be very distressing and difficult for people. Some of what you have described (nightmares, etc) sound like you are having post-traumatic symptoms, and I'm not sure that venting online will give you enough help in dealing with this. Please know that there is support and treatment available to help you with this. A good place to start is to talk confidentially with your doctor, who can give you a referral to an appropriate counselling service in your area. But you need to ask for that help.