**WARNING - contains family violence, may be triggering** I need to share my secret
Lately I have been having nightmares.. And I'm not sure if its a sign to get this off my chest or not but here goes. Not many peopl, very few if any, actually know this, but when I was 18 I met this guy, he was fun exciting, he kept me on my toes.. Until he became.. The best word would be evil.. I wasn't allowed to wear anything but trackies and hoody, wasn't allowed to work, no phone, definately no Internet, no friends, no family.. He would work night shift and while he was at work I would have to sit up all night so that I could sleep all day with him when he got home. I was beaten for wanting to wear a dress to his sisters debutante ball.. I returned home one night after going to bingo with his mother, to have my clothes cut off me with a pocket knife.. All because I had done my hair and wore jeans.. He set my clothes on fire, through me into a scolding hot shower, he urinated on me.. The list is endless.. I finally worked up the courage to leave.. But it was very hard, there was no escaping him, until I went to the police.. But the hardest part is that, anytime I hear his name.. I feel like that 18 year old terrified girl.. Dp doesn't know anything about my ex, mainly because I worry what he might do to him, I think it's just easier to keep it to myself.. I guess I'm just hoping that by venting to all of you ladies that maybe all of these nightmares might stop. These nightmares and this fear could potentially ruin my amazing relationship.. Thank you for listening ladies, please no negative comments, keep in mind, I was a young girl who was very very stuck.
I'm so sorry to hear you have had such an awful experience of prolonged and extreme violence. There is nothing for you to be ashamed of - what happened was not your fault. It would be very hard for anyone to live through all of that without it affecting them in some way. Sometimes that means people have nightmares, and re-experience fear/distress when something (like hearing a name) trigger those memories. This can be a sign of post-traumatic stress disorder, and while it's a natural reaction to terrible things, it can be very distressing and difficult for people. Some of what you have described (nightmares, etc) sound like you are having post-traumatic symptoms, and I'm not sure that venting online will give you enough help in dealing with this. Please know that there is support and treatment available to help you with this. A good place to start is to talk confidentially with your doctor, who can give you a referral to an appropriate counselling service in your area. But you need to ask for that help.
Thank you ladies, I definately need those hugs at the moment, I did speak to a councillor after it all happened as I was also trying to deal with the sudden death of a family member as well, but it just didn't help, I found that taking up boxing and learning to protect myself certainly helped me, because now I know I would have a fighting chance. I just don't get it, my life now is perfect, and i feel so safe with dp, he would never hurt me and would never ever let anything happen to me, so I just don't understand why this is still haunting me.. I'm now almost 24.. So this happened 5-6 years ago.. Shouldn't I be passed it all? I do blame myself, I blame myself for staying and being so clueless.. Sometimes I think maybe I can forget it all by just forgiving him.. But I don't think I'm capable of doing that sorry ladies I don't mean to sound so tragic, I usually shelter people from the crazy workings of my brain.. But I just had to get this one out
Hugs Ellie-oop
That sounds truly awful and I'm not surprised that you are still haunted by it.
I've had much less traumatic experiences that have haunted me for years afterwards.
It sounds like you've already gotten yourself through several stages of recovering from it. Well done!
I hope talking about it here helps you to recover even more.
You might want to give talking to someone irl another go at some point as well. I'd imagine that things have really changed since it first happened both the state you're in and what might help you.
Depending on where you are I might be able to recommend some people, if you're interested pm me.
Maybe you could talk to your dp about it at some point, or about some parts of it (if that's possible). It talk me a while to talk to my dp about when I was assaulted (and he was even at the party with me when it happened, just not close by). It then took him a while to calm down and be ready to talk to me about it but after that it was really helpful, also just helped that I didn't feel like I was hiding it from him anymore. Of course that's just my experience which is totally different from yours.
Hugs again. You really have nothing to blame yourself for.
It doesn't seem like it should be but I know that it's actually really hard to leave abusive situations.
Good luck recovering and coming to terms with this more, it's a long process and it seems like you're doing really damn well so far.
sometimes counselling after an event is too close to be able to process what has just happened, you are in survival mode and justifiably not thinking of the long term. sounds like your brain is now tryin to work through it, to understand what and why, now that you are safe and in a good place. talking to someone now would be different to back then.
Sending you some big gentle . Firstly I just want to congratulate you for leaving, that is one of the hardest things to do in a DV relationship and secondly there is no time frame to "get over" something like this. I was in a DV relationship over 20yrs ago and there are many fresh memories still inside my head. I would really like to encourage you to seek some more counselling, can you talk to your DP about this without telling him who it was? I really feel it would help you if you have his support.
I think it's great that you feel comfortable enough to put your story into writing, that is a good first step.
I had a very abusive (in every way possible) relationship at about the same age, many years ago now, and while I function and feel ok about it the majority of the time, I wouldn't say I am "over" it. So I can truly sympathise.
When someone has power over you like that, and treats you so poorly it not only gives you revolting thoughts and memories, but it also changes the way you think about the world and yourself. The boxing and self defence was a great idea, as will also having some really good chats to yourself about warning signs and what sort of behaviours you will and won't accept. This will help you take back some of the feeling of safety that was taken from you.
The biggest thing that I think has helped me is by telling people. Even if people don't know my ex I feel it takes his power away by my refusing to keep his behaviour a secret. I obviously don't tell many people, it is only a few close friends who I know would be supportive, but those friends have been instrumental in me getting straight in my mind just how outrageous and wrong my ex's behaviour was. This guy does not deserve to have you keep his secret for him. You are entitled to seek help and support and feel the love of your friends and partner telling you that you were not to blame and that it hasn't taken any of what makes you YOU. I can remember the exact words and expressions of things my friends have said to me, and I play them in my head over and over when I need it. This is something that you won't get from a forum like this, but will get from a face to face with people who love you.
I truly wish you all the best and you are more than welcome to PM if you ever want to chat. I completely understand how devastating an experience like this is.
I agree that I think you need to talk about it. I think your DP needs to at least know about the relationship, even if not in detail, just so he can attempt to understand your feelings.
I got out of a similar relationship 2 years ago. I'm struggling enough to trust & maintain friendships let alone a relationship. I won't even try that yet. I moved 3000kms away to get away. And I spent months feeling sick to the stomach with worry that he'd turn up. I have seen him since (we have kids together) & I turned into that weak, terrified person again straight away. Shaking & sweating :/
But when I got here, I told people. As much for my own protection as anything. I knew him turning up was something I couldn't deal with alone. I needed to know I could call on people if it happened.
I have people in my life who either don't understand, or just don't care, so I have very little to do with them. But most of them get it.
There are things I'd still struggle to even tell a counsellor, but I have tried to see one. Unfortunately I live in an area where there are very little resources. I want to move closer to my friends, family & help, but that means being closer to him. Still working up the courage to make that decision, even though he now has a 'fiance' & another child.
I never thought when I was there that it would have such a huge impact on my life this far down the track, but it does. I hope one day it won't be such a huge thing, but I don't think I'll ever get over it.
There are also private support groups on here that you could join as well. Domestic violence support group & Sexual abuse support group (I don't know if they both apply, but the option is there). You need to have a minimum post count to join. Can't remember if its 50, or 100.
Last edited by ~clover~; November 1st, 2013 at 04:19 PM.
I agree with everyone else - you need to tee up sessions with someone again and to tell your DP.
It is not your responsibility to keep that disgusting creature's secret. Once people who knew you then know what happened you might even find that they had an inkling all along and just needed you to say something - most people find that someone was already onto it and powerless to do anything to help.
I don't expect for anyone to 'get past' this kind of thing in such a short time frame, and it definitely sounds like post-traumatic stress manifesting itself. PTS is a bit like a grenade left around without the pin - you don't know when it will be triggered.
A mental health plan from your GP will help enormously. Go easy on yourself - you survived something that many women with men not even half as regularly violent as this don't walk away from
You are a survivor
Thank you all so much for such helpful feedback, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted by just confiding in you lovely ladies dp knows that I had a troubled relationship, but nothing of what happened, I worry that by him knowing, if he was to ever bump into this man.. I'm scared of what he would do. Dp is so very protective of me, and I think knowing that someone could treat me so badly, well the thought of it would kill him. We were invited to my friends sons 1st birthday and this ex was going to be there, luckily enough this friend was one of the people who actually had to rip my ex off me one day so she understood why I couldn't go.. But others didn't understand.. Dp stood by my decision, but many people were grumpy at me for not wanting to be in the same room as him, but I didn't think that I should have to justify myself by telling them why i was terrified to be near him.. I'm not sure if I'm making sense right now so I'm sorry if this is a little hard to understand.. Just a little sleep deprived today :-/
Wow, how terrible for you to have experienced such a horrid person.
My thoughts on why this is haunting you is because you are keeping it too yourself in away. While I would imagine its a deeply personal & would be hard to talk about.. Not telling DP about the details.. I dunno. Your worried about what he might do to the ex.. Why? Your DP is protective of you, I think would mean he would also be very supportive of you. Let him into that part of your life, emotional well being.
I have never been in your shoes, but I think letting your DP know its troubling you & that you would like his support. When you are ready to speak about it with him, you would like him to be supportive of you in the Now. Maybe speaking with a counsellor who can then be with you while you explain the deeper details of the abuse to your DP. Someone who can help him understand how hard it is & why you had not told him before..
It must be very difficult. I really think if you open up with your DP, you will find some inner peace.
If your friends knew the extent of what happened, I am pretty sure your ex would no longer be a problem at events of mutual friends, because they'd likely decide that what he did, and the kind of person who does that, is not welcome in their lives. Why should YOU keep yourself from friends because of what someone else did that no-one would be ok with? Does that make sense?
Of course, all of this takes time, and I hope that from this thread and with a counsellor that you can find a time and way to let your friends in on HIS dirty secret, strip him of his power and continued control of your emotions and current relationship, and get the support from people around you. Our support here in BB is a given that you can take for granted IRL support is what you'll need as well - IRL hugs are better, too.
You are so on the right track - just by writing it out shows YOU that you are ready to make this better, to give it a name and to give it a compartment. You know what they say - germs die when you get some sunlight on them xxx
Maybe it might help to think about it like this - you don't have to tell DP all the specific details and all the things that happened - because that would probably re traumatise you - and if he asks for the details, and you don't want to say then just tell him, "if I talk about them its like I am reliving them and that traumatises me further".
But you might find it helpful to tell him you have been having nightmares and reliving some things that happened in a past relationship,and sometimes might just need a hug and some understanding to help you feel safe.
Remember that telling him does not mean you have to explain everything, it just means letting him in to the parts that you feel safe telling him and asking him to support you. That's all.
What at a terrible situation that man put you in. There is nothing for you to feel ashamed of (although that's hard to remember!) look after yourself, I think your relationship with DP will be stronger if you trust him with your feelings xox
**WARNING - contains family violence, may be triggering** I need to share my secret
Reply With Quote
I'm so sorry to hear you have had such an awful experience of prolonged and extreme violence. There is nothing for you to be ashamed of - what happened was not your fault. It would be very hard for anyone to live through all of that without it affecting them in some way. Sometimes that means people have nightmares, and re-experience fear/distress when something (like hearing a name) trigger those memories. This can be a sign of post-traumatic stress disorder, and while it's a natural reaction to terrible things, it can be very distressing and difficult for people. Some of what you have described (nightmares, etc) sound like you are having post-traumatic symptoms, and I'm not sure that venting online will give you enough help in dealing with this. Please know that there is support and treatment available to help you with this. A good place to start is to talk confidentially with your doctor, who can give you a referral to an appropriate counselling service in your area. But you need to ask for that help.
sorry ladies I don't mean to sound so tragic, I usually shelter people from the crazy workings of my brain.. But I just had to get this one out
xxx
Bookmarks