Is it all yelling and crying?

[Heaven]

When you have kids is there a lot of yelling and crying??????
God, I hope that when I have them I don't turn into some angry stressed out monster like my Neighbours.
We had some neighbours who were constantly yelling at their kids and the kids were always screaming. Then they moved out and we were like 'phew, don't have to listen to that anymore'. But that didn't last long. The people in there now are worse!! They yell and even swear at the kids, I just heard the dad say 'F-ing hell, just wait' really loud to a kids and then heard the kids crying. The kids are like 3 and 1 or something I'm guessing.
Both of these familys look like nice respectable people, when we would see them outside they looked normal, and were friendly, just like any other person, not horrible people.
I really hope I don't turn into that when I have kids!! It makes me feel sick them poor kids being sworn at!

[blue_hebe]

I have to admit to thinking the same thing at times. I figure that I have absolutely no idea how the bad times will be when I finally get to be a mother, but I do hope I can deal with them without yelling...

To be honest I probably have quite a rose-tinted view of babies and children at this stage - but let's hope I have lots of support from friends and family when things go wrong!

It makes it hard to know when/if to interfere too. There have been far too many cases recently of children being killed by their parents recently (in NZ) and others saying "if they were my neighbours I would have done something." But when it comes down to it, would we? Is yelling at your children a sign that there are worse things going on and someone should be called, or is it just a bad way to vent frustration and nothing worse is going on...

Can be hard to judge.

[tan32]

My kids can drive me crazy at times, and yes i just want to scream at them, but I dont.
Id rather remove myself from them, which can be hard when they follow you everywhere.

I often hear people across the road yelling and screaming swearing at their kids.

Im no angel and things can sometimes get on top and i do find myself starting to yell at my kids,
but ive found all it does is upset me and sometimes the kids.
Time out where they get sent to opposite ends of the house works best for me. and explaining to my 4 yr old he has to wait for things is interesting.
Taking time out for me also helps, children are beautiful human beings and they learn from their parents.

My children are pretty good and they dont yell and scream alot.

[Karina]

For us, no, its not just all yelling and crying. Claire does cry at times, but not all that much. She is a happy baby. But some babies just cry more than others for various reasons, eg painful reflux. All you can do is try to help as much as possible. Some babies just cry more than others. She is only 11 months though so we havent entered toddlerhood or terrible two tanty territory.

Babies are needy little creatures and love attention. They'll cry if they arent getting the attention they want. Sometimes you just cant give them 100% of the attention 100% of the time. I mean, Claire at times will follow me around like a lost little puppy and I cant even sit on the loo without her coming in and trying to climb on me. If she cant sit on my lap, she'll cry, but I'm not about to have her sitting on my lap while I'm on the loo, or hold her while I'm cooking dinner on the stove.

I admit that I do sometimes wonder what is going on in the heads of people who yell at the kids. You know the ones I mean: in the shopping centre, or in the car driving next to your car, or when youre walking past someones house and you can hear an adult yelling and a child crying... Its hard to put yourself in their shoes if you dont really know them. People have different ways of dealing with issues. I admit to having had a bit of a yell before. When I had gone most of the night with no sleep, Claire wouldnt sleep, she just wanted to pull my hair and climb on me, I wanted to have a shower and eat breakfast. She wouldnt settle. I turned around and went "what!!! what do you want Claire!!!" needless to say, it achieved nothing but letting me let of a bit of steam. When I'm getting close to the end of my patience, I think about that moment because I felt so bad after screaming.

[Bathsheba]

Scenario: you are sleep deprived and the kids have been running you ragged. You are getting nothing done, even the things that NEED to be done. You breathe deeply and focus on a task... just one simple task... you clean up one of about 10 messes that you children have made that day. While you are doing that your children are quietly around the corner destroying the only item you inherited from your much loved Nana who passed away recently. The item is destroyed beyond repair. You are tired and emotional... you feel unsupported because over the past 12 months you have had only 4 FOUR hours of baby sitting because finding a sitter that isn't a stranger to your shy children is hard.

I challenge you not to raise your voice and/or cry.

Sometimes when you yell at your children you are not really angry with them. You are angry at how unsupported you are. You know that it takes a "village to raise a child" but you feel that your village has turned their backs on you. You want to live closer to your extended family but there is no work there for your DH. You are lonely and just...sooo...tired.

As well as that scenario you might have children who insist on doing life threatening things ALL DAY. Climbing up high-chairs, bashing each other over the heads with cricket bats just to see what happens... you are certain that at any given moment they are going to kill themselves. This kinda makes you raise your voice too.

Then you might have a teenager who gets stroppy with their younger siblings and shoves them away from her just that bit too hard resulting in yet another near accident. OMG why does she have to do that every day after school???

My children are great. I'm really proud of them. Most people comment on how "good" they are. Still, there is at least several times a day that I nearly bite my tongue off due to a need to raise my voice. I'm getting much better at not raising my voice as I always feel bad afterwards. I try to think of that before I yell.

Childless people: it's hard, believe me it's hard. Being a parent is harder than being in charge of a roomful of pre-schoolers. I've done that... it was fun... i never raised my voice in anger there unless there was an emergency. The difference being I knew that when it was knock off time I could HAVE A BREAK... being a parent of young children often means no guaranteed break... unless you pay for it.

[Lulu]

Bathsheba is back in 'da house!!

Bleedin good post.

[Janie]

Bath. Thank you for being so honest.

[Bathsheba]

Lulu: Ta matey I forgot to add that I don't swear at them though. I do think that is unnecessary... actually, hold on, I have sworn at my DD when she deliberately left the gate open and my toddler gained access to the road. I had told her about 5 times not to leave the gate open. I grabbed my toddler with about 10 centimetres to spare (off the road). The thing with swearing is if you do it all the time it loses effect.

SJ: why don't you offer some baby sitting services to your neighbours.... that would probably help At least they might try to restrain themselves if they knew you.

ETA: thanks too Janie

[mrsmac]

Thank god you posted Bath!! I was reading thinking OMG I am horrible and not like normal women until you posted!!
While you may start out wanting to never scream etc sometimes it all goes out the window I am afraid. (Not that I swear and scream a lot LOL)

[Willow]

Yup - too true Bath, too true!

Just because you have children, doesn't mean you suddenly become super human. We all lose it at times, we all have moments we aren't proud of but hey, that doesn't mean we're not great parents.

I don't condone swearing at children, but have I ever raised my voice to my 3 year old? Yes, of course I have!

[Hollybolly]

I think its just different with everyone

I only have Luke, and really - every LOVES to tell me how lucky I am because he is so polite, so easy, so well mannered, etc, etc.... Most of the time I say thanks, but every now and then I think to myself, God, lucky???!!!! I just didn't get blessed with a child that knew how to act in this world, perhaps I can take a little credit for my parenting skills???!!!!

My mum, DH's mum & my grandmother all tell me DH & I are tough on Luke... but you know what, I like to draw their attention (especially my mums) to my experience from being a child - I actually think I'm a little relaxed compared to what my parents were like with me & my brother

I couldn't be more grateful though, because I KNOW we are respectable members of the world... and Luke has been raised with the same standards.
He's great because he's great, but I'm not too modest to say that I know my discipline has helped make him the wonderful little boy that he is, too.

I have my moments, but I guess whilst he is an only child, that the stress is minimal as there's no siblings to argue with, but trust me, he has his moments, he's a 9yr old little boy

I teach lots of kids, and I look at families where there are 4+ kids, and they're all the most delightful children you'll ever meet, and then you'll have families where there are 2 children in the family and the kids are a nightmare.... kids are kids, and everyone has their moments, but a large percentage is the way they're raised.

If you're already aware of things like this now, you'll be a fine mum

I think raising your voice is a given at some stage of parenting... can't say that I recall the swearing, but I CAN recall wanting to swear... on many occassions!!!

And, along with Bath, people always comment on how good my child is, so I figure if he's behaving with other people, then he understands respect, so every now & then, we can afford to go off the rails for moments at a time at home

Its not easy, but I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world... Nothing else comes close

[Lulu]

I also remember swearing I would never make my children do homework!!!!

Said she who has her 15 yr old DD finishing her homework - a week before it is due....

ETA : and as soon as she finishes that she has to get the clothes off the line, feed the cat and tidy her room.

[satya]

I think most households have some yelling at times and crying probably more often. It is amazing how angry your child can make you (or in my case my DstepD). I don't tend to yell, raise my voice a little maybe, but my DF does and the crying always follows. You don't tend to hear all the good times that go on next door because they are quieter usually and in most households the good times outweigh the bad so don't worry about it.

[Bathsheba]

That's very true Satya You don't hear the kisses good night.

ETA: I just need to add that before I had children the only time I had ever yelled was with my sis (poor Rosehannah LOL) when we were fighting as kids/teenagers. I was not a yelling kind of person at all! Infact I went out of my way to avoid heated arguments (correction: I DID kick out a housemate once who refused to do any housework LOL and that involved raising my voice). So just because you are mild mannered pre-children is no guarantee! Like Holly said, it's just a phase... perhaps my health condition (hyperthyroid thread) has something to do with it because that's meant to make me irritable.... still, no excuses... there's still lots of room for improvement!

[Rouge]

Every household has moments of meltdowns, be it from parent or child. And I think its important to be able to express that, of course extreme banshee moments are not ideal. But IMO when you lose it its an opportunity to show your child how to take responsibility for your actions, apologise promise to try harder and actually *do* try harder to keep a lid on yourself in the future. But that doesn't mean if you raise your voice at your kids you go around for the next 24 hours pandering to every whim, not unless you want to create narcissistic adults. However there is a difference between losing it and having a meltdown, and yelling as a basis for communication. That IMO is not effective and not necessary either, and if anything leads to young people switching off completely, who am I kidding I'd switch off if I was continually yelled at. Communication is important, but its important to see adults are human and do have emotions. But its also important for us to show we can swallow our pride and admit our faults too

[Trillian]

If anyone ever says they never yell at their kids then they are either lying or are completely oblivious to their children's demands, which in itself is worse than yelling at your kids IMO.

It's bl00dy hard sometimes and like Bath said, you can get so overtired to the point where you can't help it but snap. I have been a banshee woman in front of my kids and I don't like myself when I do it, but I just get to the point where before I can stop myself it happens. And I think you would truly go mental if you didn't let it out sometimes. I think once your kids are old enough, it makes them think about what they've just seen you do and how they could be a little nicer to one another, or more co-operative, not that it's ever done to make them feel guilty kwim, but that they don't realise until they see you snap just how much their actions can take their toll on you - the incessant picking at one another, the refusal to do their chores, the list goes on. So in a way they learn from it as much as we do. Not saying that you need to do it, but once it has happened that everyone can learn from it to avoid it happening again kwim?

Sometimes though in towns/cities because everyone tends to live so close together these days due to small housing blocks, or apartment living, you do hear more than what someone living in a more spacious area would (although to this day I can still hear one of my dad's mates yelling at his kids when they were in trouble and they lived a good km away LOL - I lived in a small country town)

But that said, there is a HUGE difference to a mum or dad that has the odd screaming match at their children/in front of their children, to those that just do it all the time and treat their children with no respect or courtesy - they are the ones you usually hear screaming at their kids or talking to them poorly at the shops, or anywhere else in public and their attitudes while they are doing it are so much different, the body language, the words they use and the tone they say it in compared to a frazzled mum who is just at her wit's end.

[tan32]

I just re read my post and hope i didnt come across as a goody to shoes,
I do have those moments of breakdown when i yell at my kids infact sometimes i just want to plain throtlle them, but it isnt a constant thing, and i truly feel horrible after.
Ive just had my two home for school holidays and wow am i glad they went back today.
PS. This was the first long school holidays that i have been home with my kids as i was a full time working mum.

[Bathsheba]

That's cool Tan I guess my perspective is of a SAHM of 5 years. It's me and the kids every day... the only way I get a break from the kids is on the weekends and leave them with DH. It kinda gets to you.