any suggestions for parenting when one parent has a mental illness

[tenar]

We are expecting our first baby in April.

My husband has a bipolar type depressive illness, and in recent months things have been gradually getting worse for him, with bad consequences for me (and the unborn baby, I'm sadly sure, and even the dog, though I guess the fish and potplants don't care...).

I'm honestly not sure we'll be able to cope when baby arrives, unless he magically gets better. Which he hasn't done yet.

I'm afraid of becoming depressed myself (I have a history of depression), and I'm worried about the long and short-term impacts on our child/ren of having a sick parent.

I'm afraid that if things keep on as bad as they are, I might end up forced to decide between my ill husband and our daughter's needs. There is no good decision to make, and it would break my heart to have to make it.

Does anyone else live with this kind of situation? How do you cope? Do you have ideas for how I can develop better coping skills, or access better treatment for my husband? He's tried a string of doctors and psychs in the last couple of years, but he won't stick with any one for long. He is erratic at taking his medication.

I don't think I can handle this much longer and I'm at my wits end for what to do.

[LaDeeDa]

Hi Tenar....

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation, it must be so hard for you
I just wanted to give you a childs perspective.
My mum has a bi-polar type illness and has never been medicated as everyone else has the problem and is out to get her - not the other way around.

I have never had a great relatioship with her as my birth is what seemed to tip her from slightly loopy straight down the hill into mental illness town ... (intellectually I know that it was always there but it's a bit hard when you are always blamed for it)

My mum would go from adoring me one moment and then telling me I am the reason her life is so messed up the next and after 10-15 yrs of it I think Dad got so tired of trying to keep the peace that he just pretended it wasn't happening and I just figured if I was going to be blamed and labelled at this horror child I might as well live up to expectations.

The end result - I moved out of home at 15 and haven't been back......

I'm not saying that this is a normal situation for families with a parent with a mental illness - ours is an extreme case but the biggest thing I would have to say is....

1. make sure you have plenty of family / friend support and someone to talk to when it gets too hard.

2. when the little one gets older it might help for them to see a professional so someone outside the family circle can explain mum/dad's behaviour and why it happens rather than the other parents just saying "he/ she didn't mean it - they can't help it...." and help them find coping mechanisms and not self blame for behaviours that are out of their control.

3. if things get really bad/abnormal at home try to get the little one to see other family dynamics so they realise that every family is different and all have their challenges.

It's only now that I am in my mid twenties and dealing with my own issues (and spent a small fortune on shrinks trying to work out whats wrong with me that my mum doens't love me) that I have a better understanding and more empathy towards both my mum and dad for how they dealt with things.

Anyways sorry for rambling .... Like I said this is just my personal experience growing up with a parent with mental illness ..... not saying your hubby would be anything like this.....

Good luckxoxoxox

[Heaven]

Tenar, what a tough situation.
He really needs to be consistent with his medication and treatment from a professional. Otherwise it's just too unpredictable and hard to control. That is the only way to manage his symptoms and have a happy family Unfortunately it's hard for you to make him do this. Have you talked to him about how important it is and the consequesnces if he doesn't try and get it under control (i.e. you will put the babies needs first)??

[Lulu]

Are there Bipolar support groups around?

I mean I know there is Al-anon etc for families of alcoholics to support each other etc, I hope there is something like this for you too.

xoxoxoxoxo

[Phteven]

Sane.org has a families section in their bookshop https://www.sane.org/bookshop/home.php?cat=285

[LaDeeDa]

Tenar - i wasn't suggesting that your husband would go down a similar path.... just wanted to share my experience with you

[tenar]

Tenar - i wasn't suggesting that your husband would go down a similar path.... just wanted to share my experience with you

I understand. Thanks for sharing. I'm guessing it isn't easy to share such experiences, even in a forum like this one. I'm impressed by your evident resilience and that you are learning to cope with your own personal history. That can't be easy.

[amy_o]

I am not really sure how I want to word this so bear with me...

Our situation is the opposite, I am the parent with the mental illness, Bipolar as well as a matter of fact. DH and I spent alot of time talking before TTC about how we would manage episodes of my illness and the like both in pregnancy and after the birth.
I have also spent a lot of time over the years learning about my illness and how to manage and reduce the risk of episodes.

We have recently come through and epsiode and although I am not a hundred percent yet I can see that all our planning paid off. But having said that we have a fantastic care team of a psychologist, psychartirist, Baby care nurse who have helped imensely. All this was accessed through my local community health center.

My advice would be:

Always remember that it is an ILLNESS, he has no control over it. I know that may seem a cop out but it is true. And when you are in the midst of an episode (which is sounds as if he might be to me from what I read) you can not see reason.

Seek out your local community mental health team. I am not sure where abouts you are but your local hospital should be able to put you in contact with them, the offer all levels of support and care, we would have been lost with out them. They are our rock. They have social workers, psychologists, Dr's. The aim is for care and healthy living in the community.

Find a really good GP, who is trained in mental health, there are special courses they can do. You want someone trained not just interested they can help you with medications and managagement much better as well as offer CBT.

Find someone be it your GP or a psychologist to start some CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therpy) it is tough and about changing thought patterns but effective.

Have a safety plan for if he goes in to a full blown manic episode.

I hope some of that helps. I could offer a whole heap of other insights but Bethany is calling!!
Good luck and please let me know if I can ever answer a question or help in anyway after years of this rollercoaster I think I have seen and done it all!!! (including all the meds!!!)

[*Belle*]

I am not really sure how I want to word this so bear with me...

Our situation is the opposite, I am the parent with the mental illness, Bipolar as well as a matter of fact. DH and I spent alot of time talking before TTC about how we would manage episodes of my illness and the like both in pregnancy and after the birth.
I have also spent a lot of time over the years learning about my illness and how to manage and reduce the risk of episodes.

We have recently come through and epsiode and although I am not a hundred percent yet I can see that all our planning paid off. But having said that we have a fantastic care team of a psychologist, psychartirist, Baby care nurse who have helped imensely. All this was accessed through my local community health center.

My advice would be:

Always remember that it is an ILLNESS, he has no control over it. I know that may seem a cop out but it is true. And when you are in the midst of an episode (which is sounds as if he might be to me from what I read) you can not see reason.

Seek out your local community mental health team. I am not sure where abouts you are but your local hospital should be able to put you in contact with them, the offer all levels of support and care, we would have been lost with out them. They are our rock. They have social workers, psychologists, Dr's. The aim is for care and healthy living in the community.

Find a really good GP, who is trained in mental health, there are special courses they can do. You want someone trained not just interested they can help you with medications and managagement much better as well as offer CBT.

Find someone be it your GP or a psychologist to start some CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therpy) it is tough and about changing thought patterns but effective.

Have a safety plan for if he goes in to a full blown manic episode.

I hope some of that helps. I could offer a whole heap of other insights but Bethany is calling!!
Good luck and please let me know if I can ever answer a question or help in anyway after years of this rollercoaster I think I have seen and done it all!!! (including all the meds!!!)

Exactly what I was going to say Amy, I too have mental illness not bipolar though I have Anxiety/OCD and PND. Even though I have this illness and yes there are lots of ups and downs and thankfully my DH is still with me through the good and bad it is not by any means easy for him. Your hubby needs to understand that he needs to be consistent in taking his meds so he can be the best parent he can be and see a psych regularly for an outlet to voice his frustrations and have safety plans and support in place incase he has episodes. If you have safety plans in place it will be easier to deal with. I too have to say that Mental Illnesses are uncontrollable to a certain extent they take a handle over you. I hope he agrees to go to the dr with you this arvo. My husband also has depression but is in denial, my psych when she sees him in a group session with me offers for him to see someone and offers meds if needed but he is still in denial, she says I cant push the issue with him because he will run further away, I have to wait for the realisation from himself he wants to seek help. I hope this afternoon goes well. xxx

[Karina]

Have you been to see your GP or a doctor at all, just by yourself, to see if they can provide you with some things you can do to help your partner? I know it can be really hard to get husband to listen to you but maybe they can give you some info that could help, like recognising some of the early signs that he might be going into an "episode". Or maybe you could get your husband to keep like a mood diary where he could write what he is feeling like each day (or maybe just one or two words, or a little face that describes his feeling for the day) and also his sleeping patterns and apetite. It helps you to see a pattern. Also, try to have some sort of routine each day, apparantly it really helps people with bipolar to plan out your day rather than just winging it. I'm sure you've already tried all that but just thought I'd mention in case you hadnt.
He needs alot of support, and he's probably not going to ask for help when he is in "mania" (gosh i hate that word). I dont have bipolar disorder, but my dad does. I do not see him often, but when I do see him sometimes he is quite good but sometimes anything I say just goes over the top of his head and he seems in his own world. As you would know its an imbalance of chemicals in the brain, thats how the meds work and when my dad used the meds I could definately see the difference in his behaviours. He also suffers from schizophrenia, so he had the extreme anxiety and panic attacks where he was convinced everyone was out to get him, particularly the government. He did begin by taking his meds, but as you said its really hard to get an adult to do something they dont want to do.. and later on he refused the use his meds. It was really hard for my mum as she had just had me and dads illness seemed to be getting worse. On a doctors advice, my mum had to leave dad for her own safety (and the safety of my sister and i). Mind you this was 24 years ago and back them it was just way too taboo to talk about and there wasnt the sorts of support networks we're lucky to have now. I'm not saying thats whats going to happen to you, I was just trying to say there is much more support available now.

[Jaycee]

Hi there
I have no experience myself but my cousin's husband has a bipolar disorder and when she fell pregnant after months of her husband not taking his medication and having many episodes which ended in violence towards her she ended up giving him an ultimatum - take your meds and look after your health or she would leave.
I'm not telling you to do this, but it was enough to let him know the seriousness of this and from that day on he has not missed one day of meds and you wouldn't even know he had this disorder.
Anyway, that's just my little bit of input.
Whatever you decide to do i hope it works out for you.
Take care
xxx

[tenar]

DoubleDee: I certainly hope things won't get as bad for us as they did for your mum. In fact if I had expected it I would not have married this man. He has many wonderful qualities, and that's why I love him and why I have made a lifetime commitment to him.

SaraJane: You are totally right in that I cannot compel him to do anything he doesn't want to do. And his moods are so erratic at the moment that what he wants to do varies hour by hour.

This morning he has promised to go to the doctor in the afternoon with me, but I don't know whether he will come or not, when it comes to it. He has also promised to take his medication (hours ago, he hasn't taken it yet), and to get up and eat something (ditto hours ago).

It is impossible to make an adult do something like take their meds, or get up out of bed. Begging, crying, asking nicely, being loving and supportive: nothing works reliably (not that I can see myself begging on a regular basis - doesn't suit who I am). It's one of the problems with dealing with a sick adult, I guess.

I am not certain that I would put the baby's needs first, actually. I don't think it is going to be as black and white as that. After all: baby needs her Mum and Dad to be in a healthy relationship too. I grew up with divorced parents, it affected me adversely, and I believe that a marriage is not something you give up on easily at all - I vowed to love him in sickness and in health, and I do love him so much, even when he is sick. But it is indeed a set of decisions that I hope never to have to make. There must be a better solution.

You are right that making him see just how serious the situation is is key, and so far I haven't managed that very well, partly because when he's down he won't talk about it and when he's up he doesn't remember what it was like when he was down. But I'll keep trying to get through to him.

Thanks for your comments.