Can you keep a secret?

[Liz]

Their opinion is important. But at the end of the day, you have to live with your decisions, and you shouldn't be dictated by anyone else on that. It isn't just about how you might need to grieve if something happpens, but how are you going to feel about the person who 'made' you do something that you didn't want to do in regards to telling / not telling.

Just as he shouldn't be dictated to either or 'made' to tell/not tell and has to live with his decisions.

*shrug*

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Liz, as someone who sucked it up and figured that my husband had a right to pick when/how to tell people too, to come to appointments and scans, have some input in pregnancy... look how labour ended up. Him siding with the enemy, who hurt me. Him agreeing to my being hurt.

So I say men have no say in pregnancy-related things. Because it only gives them the idea they have any say in the birth. And then they agree to things you say no to and sign forms you don't want them to and then the hospital has permission. Which is why DH is going to not be at Stormy's birth - and not find out that I'm pregnant until I'm ready to tell him, not the moment I find out.

Although neither of us want to tell family, so I'm OK with that one!

[Tinks]

Liz, as someone who sucked it up and figured that my husband had a right to pick when/how to tell people too, to come to appointments and scans, have some input in pregnancy... look how labour ended up. Him siding with the enemy, who hurt me. Him agreeing to my being hurt.

So I say men have no say in pregnancy-related things. Because it only gives them the idea they have any say in the birth. And then they agree to things you say no to and sign forms you don't want them to and then the hospital has permission. Which is why DH is going to not be at Stormy's birth - and not find out that I'm pregnant until I'm ready to tell him, not the moment I find out.

Although neither of us want to tell family, so I'm OK with that one!

Wow. That's really heavy TFB.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Yeah - so different strokes for different folks, clearly!

[Tegam]

Which is why DH is going to not be at Stormy's birth - and not find out that I'm pregnant until I'm ready to tell him, not the moment I find out.

!

I'd find it very hard to want a baby with someone that I felt this way about

[MLR1901]

First time around we told those closest to us, as in they would be those that support us no matter the outcome. Lucky, as we did m/c and it helped us a lot cope.
Second time around not so many as circumstances were a little different (I'd recently been made redundant) and we didn't want raised eyebrows from older ones. But we told family as in siblings and parents, and my two closest friends. But sadly we m/c again. I actually have found it harder to explain this time. Especially as older people tend to be more nosey and ask questions like 'are you two trying?' 'when's the babies coming etc' and then having to go through the awkwardness of saying I've had 2 m/c, then the person I'm telling usually says something completely insensitive (without realizing they are doing so) like 'oh lucky that's God's way blah blah'
So it will be secret between DH and I. I don't think I can handle others disappointment on to of my own. And it does effect the men too.
Just my 2c worth

[phebee]

First time around we didn't tell a soul apart from my best friend cause I was dying just to tell SOMEONE. She kept encouraging me to tell my Mum JIC I lost it and needed support, but I didn't. Found out at 12 wk scan it had gone weeks earlier. We told our parents and my siblings & they were all very supportive.

Second time around I told my Mum & Dad at 4.5 wks and would've told IL's then too if they weren't in Europe. Told them when they got back at 11 wks. Waited until 12 wk scan to tell the rest of the world. That was DD

Both times DH was the one who insisted on waiting, but I knew Mum was safe to tell the second time, plus she asked me why I couldn't take any antihistamines for my hay fever. What was I supposed to say? Lol. My family are very alert and cluey too and knew we were trying cause of the m/c. They would've known as soon as I refused wine at family lunches : P

[misty]

Just as he shouldn't be dictated to either or 'made' to tell/not tell and has to live with his decisions.

*shrug*

no, he shouldn't be dictated to either. But at the end of the day, a decision has to be made. And I know personally, as the one who suffers extreme morning sickness, as the one who would have to 'lie' and 'cover up' the pregnancy, 'I' believe that my choice will be the deciding choice if all negotiations fail. Not everyone is the same as me, and they would give up this decision to their partner, even if they disagree vehemently.

Ideally, you could reach a compromise you were both happy with. Or one of you may feel more strongely then the other, and thus you (or they) may be wiling to set aside their own feeling for their partner's stance - but that in itself is a CHOICE. If you are deadlocked and cann't reach agreement, choices need to be made, and I think in that situation, the person carrying the baby does have the greater say.

Thankfully, I have never had disagreement on this topic with my DH, he couldn't keep a secret to save his life. But if we ever did, and we couldn't reach agreement or compromise; then yes, I get Veto.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I'd find it very hard to want a baby with someone that I felt this way about

Good thing I'm not you then! As I said, different people see things differently.

[Marley&Me]

If I were the SIL just the thought of you two ttc would make me upset. Picturing someone close to you sharing that joy of a BFP together and then announcing it to the world. Sounds harsh, but being someone who has lived this I feel I should add from the other side POV. It makes you feel like a bad person for not being happy for that person close to you.

Maybe keep it quiet and if you have to tell someone, make sure it's someone who has no contact with SIL.

Good luck

[Beatrix]

Tasha- so I shouldn't TTC cause SIL had a m/c, that's kinda crazy.. She knew we were TTC before she found out she was pg. All around me my friends arnd family are TTC (some for long amounts of times) and someone very close to me has fallen of and I was one of the first people she told because she knows we are so didn't want us to find it from a 3rd person or to think they were hiding it from us. It's odd to hear and there is that pang of jealousy but I'm really happy for them!!!

Either way I had a chat with SIL on the weekend about it and she is def on the don't keep it from me side of things so I know where she stands.


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[Marley&Me]

You can TTC, of course. I just meant maybe don't say anything to her for the time being. But if she already knew you were, then it doesn't matter
That's great that she doesn't want you to keep a pregnancy from her. I would imagine it could get very awkward for those who have to announce to friends/family who have suffered a loss or are still TTC.