DH going away for work again...

[misty]

Not even sure if this is the right spot to post this..

DH is dissapearing for four days on monday for work. I am actually feeling really anxious about being left on my own with the kids...which is silly right? I mean it is only four days. I am a SAHM. It really isn't that big a deal, I can handle it... Yet I feel stressed out about it just thinking about it. Yet my kids are good kids, it is not like they are that hard to look after.

It's just that when they are good, everything is so easy and straight forward, and I am fine and handling everything. But then somehing happens, Nate might do some thing naughty or start fighting with Jelly, or Baz will start crying because he is hungry and I am not being quick enough to feed him, or the cat might just look at me the wrong way. And all of a sudden I am completely stressed and feel like I am not coping, and I loose my temper at whoever is nearest, and I feel like crying or i go and eat everything in the house. And then 10mins after that I am fine again, until someone else does something else stressful, like talk, or breath too noisely.

I just find myself flitting between having days being perfectly fine and wondering what on earth I was so upset / stressed about, and everything is great and easy. And then I have days where everything is just too much and I just want to climb in bed and go to sleep. I don't want to look after the kids, I don't want to talk to DH, I am just tired and quite frankly a complete moody cow.

I don't know if I am being like this just because I have to look after three young kids (although truth be told I was worse when I only had 2 kids and was pg, and I think I have been like this for a long time). Or maybe it is my hormones making me moody. Or maybe this is just who I am, and I need to snap myself out of my negative mindframe.

truethfully, I am finding it really hard to write this down. I am a very private person, and can have a problem being honest with others about how I am feeling, because it is none of their business, and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, or talking to me about how I am feeling (unless I bring it up, which isn't likely), or talking about me hmmm.. paranoid much

I don't feel like I can really talk to DH about how I feel properly either. I mean I tell him, but I definitely downplay it, because he always make such a big deal out of it or tries to come up with 'solutions'.

Sometimes I think I just need a holiday. A couple of days, with no kids, no DH - just myself (which really is impossible any time in the near future), but then I am not sure if that would really help, because I just have to come back afterwards. And the kids will still be kids and still be my reponsibility and DH will still have to work so we can pay the mortgage. And that is really stupid to complain about, because I am choosing to be a SAHM and I love my kids and I don't want things to change.

And I'm not even sure if any of this is making sense to anyone, or if I am just rambling. Particularly as I just came on here to complain about DH going away for work and yet somehow went of on a bit of a tangent.

Not even sure what I expect from posting this. But can someone please tell me I am not loosing my mind and I am not the only one like this and that I am normal.

[my-three-monkeys]

Hi,
Makes complete sense to me. I could've written that myself.
No advice. Just Hugs.

[misty]

thank you for your reply.

[YoYo]

Yes I do know exactly how you feel. I just feel like I want a holiday too, not that my life is hard...(with only 1 kiddly, not 3). You want it to just be you, but at the same time (for me) I wouldn't stop thinking about DS either!

Today I'm going out for 1 hour to do a Yoga class and I plan on treating that like a holiday! Because we're living away from home (for DH's work) I don't feel like I have any support. DH continues to go out and be 'able' to have a good time when he wants to and I always have to be the one that stays home to look after DS...which IS my decision and I wouldn't change it. When I also explain to DH that I never feel like I get to do anything on my own, his solution is to get a maid! (being Singapore it's not abnormal to have one).

My DH also works away so maybe these feelings are coming up for you because even though he's going away for work, it looks like a break for you because he gets to do something different.

SIGH!

[fionas]

I have days like that too misty so I think what you're describing is completely normal but it's also good to work through the feelings anyhow.

Let me give you an example. My worst days are always when I'm on my own but feel I shouldn't be - so when DP is working on a weekend.

A few months ago I had an absolutely horrible experience. It won't sound that horrible when I write it down but I was really upset at the time. I don't drive so I took DD on the train to a local shopping strip - only two stops on the train. Didn't bother taking the stroller because she's a good walker and I like her to walk and get some exercise. Anyhow, as soon as we got off the train it was evident how STUPID that was. DD just would not walk. Wanted to play on railings, run up and down ramps and any attempt on my part to get her down resulted in her lying on the floor having a tantrum. This always freaks me out because I'm not meant to lift her because I have a dodgy pelvis so any lift/carry hurts. We finally made it past about five shops of about 40 in the strip when I decided it was best to give up and head back towards the train station. Same situation on the journey home. It's a six minute walk normally - that day it took 45 minutes. DD wanted to sit on every seat, close every gate etc. etc. I ended up carrying her as far as I could and then putting her down to walk again. I was really, really on the verge of tears because something so simple should not have been so hard, I was in pain and I knew I'd pay for all the carrying in the next few days. And all the time, I was being stared at by couples having a lovely time with their kids which made me feel ripped off even more that DP was working.

Sorry that was so long!

Anyhow, I fell into major doom and gloom after that. Felt very sorry for myself and my thinking was very negative ie. "this ALWAYS happens, I shouldn't try to go out with DD any more, it will ALWAYS be a nightmare, I'm an idiot for not taking the stroller, having a partner who works shifts is crap," etc. etc.

The good thing was that it was a catalyst for me making some changes. I realised that as I often do the weekends on my own that I needed some time without DD to recharge my batteries. So I put her into occasional care for 3 hours on a Friday morning. That has worked BRILLIANTLY - even though it's only for a few hours, I can't explain how much of a difference that's made. I can get stuff done in those 3 hours that would otherwise take me weeks to do. So I highly recommend trying to work something out that will give you at least a few hours per week on your own.

Today I had a similar experience to what I described above - a short walk turned into an epic with me doing lots of lifting and carrying of DD. In the rain with no umbrella and no coats for me or DD. But unlike last time where I was on the edge of tears, I managed to say to myself, "well, look, this is a bit crap but it's not the end of the world. Most times when we've been out recently we've had a good time so this DOESN'T always happen. You've just got to get through the next half hour, get home, dry off and have a cuppa and if the worst comes to the worst, you know the physio will fix you up."

So what I'm trying to say is perhaps be aware of whaat your internal voice is doing during those really crappy times and find some simple alternative words to confront them.

As I said, I think what you've described is completely normal but I think it's worth trying to come up with some ways of getting through the crappy times.

Hope the four days goes quickly!

[kitten2b]

Misty I could have written your post as well, DH has been working away during the week for close on 5 months now and there are days that I would dearly love to not get out of bed, hide, or post the kids to mums. Hugs

[misty]

thanks for your replies everyone. It is good to know that others feel the same way.

Fionas, I can totally relate to your story. I also don't drive, and have had many a moment like that.

I think I panic about being left 'alone' so much in part because I am resentful. Because DH may be going away for 'work', but to me that is a holiday. It is a chance to do something without the kids (or me) and have a full nights sleep and eat dinner uninterupted, that he doesn't have to cook! And I am jealous, because I am going to have to do all those things (plus some) on my own, without any help. I tell you Single parents have my utmost respect - It is hard!

I have talked to DH and am feeling a bit better, because I think he is starting to realise what it means for me here with the kids, when he goes away for work or army reserves. He has been doing almost everything this weekend, and letting me sleep or read or otherwise relax a bit.

I think I need to try some positive self talk to try and help me cope.

Fingers crossed the kids decide to behave while he is gone.

[fionas]

It's good that you spoke to your DH Misty - I think that's half the battle sometimes - you just want someone, anyone acknowledge that it's tough being on your own.

The penny finally dropped for my DP when a friend of mine was venting about her partner working shifts and how hard it is ... and he was only doing one night a week. I'm not belittling her vent but it did open DP's eyes that even one night on your own can be tough and DP's shifts mean I do seven nights straight and usually that weekend too. So I'm very, very grateful to her for complaining about her experience!

I think some negotation is in order. Yes, he's not going away for a holiday but you deserve some time on your own when he gets back. It's not about tit-for-tat, it's about you being able to recharge your batteries - we all do better that way rather than trying to run on empty.

[Willow]

Misty - I don't like it when DH is away for the night either. I also kinda dread Sunday nights cause it means he's off to work again in the morning and I'm back to the same old grind with the 3 kids.

Just remember that you have a very young baby and as Baz gets older you will get some of your freedom back and will have more 'ME' time. Right now it's thin on the ground but as they get older and less dependant, things get easier again.

[skeetaboat]

You aren't losing your mind, you are not the only one like this and how you're feeling is very normal!!!

I can be a moody cow sometimes & DH really cops it. Even when I start out feeling quite good, my mood can go downhill quite quickly if the kids are being difficult, or something I would really like to do goes awry and has to be abandoned (eg buying a couple of plants, or finally getting the chance to sit down and reply to an email..)

For me, I know the root cause of my moodiness is my inability to have any time to myself, I seem to get moodier on the days DH buggers off to play sport or some other such luxurious activity, because it just emphasises for me that I just can't seem to get any of that (and that DH is being insensitive to the fact that I need more support and for him to be *around*). I'd hazard a guess that no alone time is playing a role in your unhappiness & stress levels too.

I think you'd really benefit from some *you* time. Even if it's just an hour or two a couple of times a week. Is there any chance you could get some of that?

You said you can't get away.. I assume that's coz youre breastfeeding a young one? If you can't get away completely, could you take a weekend for yourself & just bringing the youngest one with you?

Do you have anyone who can help while DH is away? Sometimes I find just having some company and an extra pair of hands around helps.

It's bloody hard work. You need & deserve some time for yourself.

[Cassius2]

man oh man! reading your post sent chills...i could of written that myself LOL!

DH also has to go away for FOUR WHOLE DAYS!! arrghhhh! he is off to NZ for some (stupid lol) conference. this leaves me alone with DD, no friends (we just moved to northcote...) and no family. sooo not looking forward to it.

Dh also 'works' weekends. he is a soccer ref, and this means that most sundays he is away ALL day (ie from early morning until after DDs bedtime). i find that they are my darkest days simply because, like Fionas mentioned, i go out with DD and see all the 'happy families' doing happy family stuff, and instead we are on our own (i know, i throw a good pity party ).

And i am TOTALLy the same with the weird 'not coping' moments. they tend to be fleeting and are set off by the most mundane things (like DD hanging off me one too many times, or the dog getting under my feet). and i react like a bat out of hell. then it passes almost as quickly as it comes and i am serene mother of the world lol. so weird.

i too get jealous when DH gets to go away. although it is work, i know from experience that it is also alot of fun. one week away for a 20 minute paper is NOTHING. nice hotel, sightseeing, nights out and sleep ins. then, when he gets irky at me having a night out with my friends (once every blue moon) he does get in a slight guilt trip (even by simply asking how much money i'll need for the night out can really dampen my good mood for example).

anyway, i have blabbered on long enough...DH is cooking and needing some assistance LOL!

the only i can think of to help with the 4 days away is to plan some company that might be able to come around. i have organised a couple of friends on separate nights to keep me some company and some conversation that doesnt revolve around the vocab of a 2 year old LOL!

[Esme]

I feel like that too. For me it is more the coming home late from work and answering all those work phone calls during 'family time' . He thinks he is spending time with the family, but his mind isn't with us IYKWIM. I am also jealous of his job and his ability to do things by himself. He gets to get out of the house and do interesting things all by himself whereas I always have DS in tow. Don't get me wrong I love looking after DS, but it just gets so boring/tedious at times. It doesn't help that we live in a small country town with not much to do. I also need a break before #2 comes along but money is tight.

Hugs, you are not alone. If only we could meet up, we could keep each other company . Also thanks for posting this, I so needed to get this of my chest today, but like you don't like to talk about 'private' stuff. So good to hear that I am not the only one . I hope the four days will pass quickly and trouble free.