Discipline

[BellyBelly]

The subject of discipline is a highly sensitive topic which often is a point of debate. Obviously the age of the child depends on the sort of discipline that is applied.

How do you discipline your child? How do you change the level of discipline throughout the development of your child? What do you think is reasonable and unreasonable discipline?

Share your experiences, thoughts and ideas here.

[Rouge]

It really depends on Paris' mood as to what will work for her. Sometimes all I have to do is give her a look and speak in a gruff tone and she will stop. Other times I resort to time out, and she screams bloody murder. But I have noticed that she listens to Marc more than she listens to me, and that annoys me soooooooo much! I don't do anything any different accept I do more of it during the day LOL! With Marc she will burst into tears if he says boo. With me she just repeats what I say to her like a little parrot and laughs at me. :roll: I think the thing that frustrates me the most, is that my niece has always listened to me and it made me feel so good LOL...but no it wasn't because I explained things well or could get along well with children it was because I was her aunt and she was my niece and she didn't want to upset me thats it LOL. SIL always told me things would be different when it was me and I thought I believed her...I do even more strongly now!

So Lozza look out things will change when you are the mother LOL!

But as for any other forms of discipline, she's a pretty good kid so I don't really have to resort to discipline that much. She knows her boundaries and sticks to them most times. She tells herself off more than we do. And our cat cops it from her too...if she's caught scratching anything (even her scratching post...paris doesn't quite understand the difference yet) Paris will point to her and yell "NO! Uh Uh Ahhhh" at the top of her lungs and she even moves her head forward like she's trying to glare LOL! Its so cute!

*hugs*
Cailin

[Rouge]

Wow how things have changed since that last post of mine LOL!

Now its the other way around, she tests daddy more than she does mummy. Still no real signs of tantrums, not physical ones anyway she has a bit of a cry (which can turn into a scream lol) if something upsets her because she can't explain herself or didn't get her way etc, normal 2 yr old stuff. And usually that sort of behaviour lands her in time out. Even Kelly has been witness to that one LOL!

I still think she's a relatively well behaved child, she has her moments but then again god so do I. I think most days I have more tantrums than she does LOL!

But she has started a new thing when she gets in trouble she will go yell at the cat obviously because she's annoyed she got busted for something LOL.

I will post again in a few months when she's right into the 2 stage to see how things are then.

*hugs*
Cailin

[Astrolady]

Kameron has been smacked on bottom when he has done something really naughty, but he usually just gets no or I just have to give him a look and point my finger at him.

We don't do time outs, but if he cracks tantrums then he is usually sent to bed cause it means he is tired anyway.

If I am having a short fuse day and Kameron is too then it becomes a yelling match LOL

Love

[barbie-up]

Caitlin is almost two and a half and we have a 'naughty chair' which is just a little fold up chair in the corner at the start of the hallway. Its no good sending her to her room, too much to play with. She does not like the naughty chair and becomes good when it is mentioned.

I've smacked a few times in the past - once when she bolted out near cars and i FREAKED out.

What I like now is that she seems to know stuff, like if she asks for juice and i tell her there is none so she can have milk or water and she says which one of those she wants. Or that she cant have a pudding desert if she doesnt eat her vegetables at tea time. She will watch us eat pudding, cos we've had our veges, but she does not carry on that shes not having pudding ! I'm astounded at the understanding there.

I think you have to talk to your children more and explain things, as simply as possible. Whether its about discipline or something else, expand on the yes or no answer. Like the pyjama drama, when it happens here i start talking about what we're going to do the next day and who we're going to see and Caitlin starts thinking about that and gets excited and behaves. I'm no expert on anything really, but I recon I talk to Caitlin a lot and I believe she understands a lot. And talks a lot back. I can't imagine having more than one child to talk to, I'd have no voice left !

Good luck.
Barb.

[Tracey]

I honestly don't have any trouble with Maddison, she pushes DH's boundaries & often he gives in, as Asian culture don't really handle a crying child very well, it breaks his heart, but as she is 6, we have no trouble whatsoever!

If she was in a mood etc when she was younger & whinged, whinned & carried on, i'd simply put her in her room, within 15 mins of crying & screaming, she'd be asleep & then when she woke up she'd forgotten about her earlier carry on.

Maddy has always been around adults & I think young kids understand alot more than we give them credit for, but I made sure it was all constant & that my parents used the same punishments etc...

My friends with & without kids say "your so lucky" Gosh I hope it's not really luck, coz I wonder what we will get with this next one!

I did tell DH I will be the stronger disciplinarian, coz he is just to weak & gives in!!!

[Ali]

I actually don't believe in smacking - I did smack once but felt so guilty about it afterwards. I found that the smack eased my frustration, but I don't think it taught my DD anything. Quiet time out in DDs room seems to work best for us, but it is usually only used in time of need.

My mentor Dr Phil (a bit embarrassing I know!) uses the advice

"Try and avoid constant conflict with your child. Pick your battles, and never ever lose".

I found this to be great advice and have tried to apply it. DH and I rarely yell or raise our voice, but when we do - boy does she know she has gone too far!

[Lulu]

I try to keep the raised voice for something really serious. I also try to stay away from the words No, and Dont. They become immune to it very quickly!

[Rouge]

I don't (haha no pun intended) have a problem with using words such as No or Don't. Purely because they are going to hear them in life somewhere and I would rather they hear them now and from me rather than from someone in the future and it be a shock or a negative experience iykwim. But... I do explain and question my "No's" and "Don'ts" with her. For instance if she does something thats not allowed, I tell her we don't do that and then ask her why we don't do that and if she doesn't know I'll tell her then ask her again if we do that (to which she responds with no) and then I ask why and she gives me a reason, and if there is an opposite I ask her what we do instead. I find this approach works best as it puts the power back in her hands and she doesn't feel belittled but ends up feeling clever if that makes any sense

I think its ok to show that you are upset in moderation. I lose my temper at times for I am only human and as a human I want to expose my child to EVERY human emotion and anger is one of them. I want her to know that anger is an exceptable emotion and we all feel angry from time to time, but I also think its important to teach them to express that anger in an appropriate manner. If I yell and she sees that I always apologise and say that whilst mummy was upset she shouldn't have acted that way, and I am sorry if I upset her. And would you believe she does the same with me I don't want to hide these things from her purely because I have a gf who's parents never got angry in front of them and she was always sheltered from yelling etc. Now as an adult she still does not know how to deal with people who get angry and finds it quite distressing if anyone in her presence gets upset. Its really worrying to watch as it really stresses her out.

*hugs*
Cailin

[Lulu]

That's really interesting about your girlfriend, all those "don't fight in front of the kids' trains of thought should probably considered as successfull as 'staying together for the kids'.

DP and I bicker a fair bit - we're chalk and cheese. It's hard to pretend your not sh***y when the children are around. They're not stupid, and know your dying for them to get to sleep so you can have your say!
We decided that it was important that the children see us resolving the problem between us and making up too. It makes us very conscious of fair fighting as well.

Now DS is on the move we found every word we said was no!, don't !(put toast in the video, chew ext cord etc etc).

[*Yvette*]

We're having to say "no" a lot to our 9 month boy Angus since he's been mobile. There are power cords we haven't been able to cover up, the waist paper basket, some papers on the bookcase next to my desk which need to be moved, and the kitty. Usually he just looks at us as if it's funny and keeps doing it til we stop him, then goes right back to it. I think he is starting to understand a bit what no means, but makes us work hard to stop whatever it is and realizes he can get our attention. If he's tired and the no is quite stern, he'll cry. Sort of a lip out, throw arms to the floor kind of thing, not too serious (it's actually quite funny).

Mum was telling me her DP said no to his grandson (about the same age) and his DIL was horrified! Had never ever said no to him. She sounds like quite a different mother from me though.

Cailin, I really liked your comments about letting kids see all human emotions including anger. I quite agree. I think they need to see that parents have feelings too and that they are OK and normal. I try to remember the "I" statement approach, eg "I feel angry when....."

With the older kids, it's withdrawal of tv/computer etc when I need to reinforce standards. I did occasionally smack them, but I don't think it helped or was necessary, and is hopefully something that will disappear in the next generation.

Once as punishment for the 12 yo, I made her do my chores all day one Saturday, eg clean the kitchen, do some ironing, vacuume, fold washing etc. I told her it was both a punishment for what she'd done and to make her respect/appreciate me. She was really good immediately afterward, might have to try it again soon (see my new topic "tricky time with 12 year old daughter")

[christy]

Well time to join in this discussion LOL.

Matilda has been having tantrums lately and it has caused DH & I to decide how we are going to handle discipline. All of her tantrums so far are because she doesn't want to be straped in, say the car seat/pram/high chair. So at least once a week I'm standing in the woolies car park with a 9 month old baby screaming, turning purple, throwing her head around with people watching. I usually hold her so she can hurt herself in the car, lift my head out and take a few deep breaths and then continue to hold her until she loosens up (she goes stiff too) and then strap her in and go.

At home she goes up to the power cords, looks at us, we say "No" in a firm voice and move to distract her with something she is allowed to have and she always grabs the cord quickly and laughs. So... we have been trying different things, but most of the time she laughs at us when we try to stop her.... ](*,)

[*Yvette*]

That's exactly what Angus does Christy. Just then he was rocking one of the dining chairs, & we were worried it would come down on his foot. I decided the chair was light enough to hurt but not injure him, & I was within grabbing distance, so I decided to pretend not to see and he lost interest. I think If I'd made a fuss he would have thought it was a game, a bit like training the kitty really, lol.

[Melinda]

*bump*

Now that Jacob is more mobile, I'm definitely finding myself saying "no" all the time as well. I actually feel like I'm saying that word more than any other!!! I keep trying to say positive things to balance it out, e.g. "good boy", "well done".

I really hate feeling like I'm being an ogre by saying no all the time, but I simply have to for his own safety. A lot of the time it is a game to him and he just laughs or gives us a cheeky look. Each time I say it, I remove him from whatever he is doing and try to distract him with something he can play with. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But I try to praise him for playing well with other things or when I say simple things like "come to Mummy" .......I don't want him to feel that he only gets my attention for doing bad things IYKWIM?

Does that sound reasonable?!?!

[*Yvette*]

Hi Melinda.

Angus is just a couple of months older than Jacob, and he will actually do as he's told sometimes now. It's a new thing though. He will come away from things when we call him, which is a great new development. We say no sometimes, but I think I tend to say 'ah ah', and 'Angus, come away from the birdcage, come to mummy', stuff like that. And of course, like you say, making a fuss of him when he does what you want.

So I'm thinking it's an age thing, they start to want to comply at some stage rather than giggle at you and keep doing whatever it was.

Nothing works for us yet with the tossing food off the high chair thing though #-o

[Ellibam]

i always believed in the voice thing iykwim. and being consistent, i dont like seeing a child/baby doing something they shouldn't and the parent slightly telling them off for it then they keep doing and eventually the parent "having" enough and going 'boonta' when it could have been stopped in the beginnning. but i have to remember (and you all can giggle at me),i dont have a child yet so what i believe now will most likely change once i do.