Do you think having siblings 5-6 years apart is too much of an age gap???

[~mamaspice~]

Hi there,

Lets just say I am completely torn.

My younger half brother and I are nearly 6 years apart in age (he is the younger one) and we were never close. Hence, I always said that when I had my children I wanted them to be born about 2-3 years apart so they were "closer"

About now is the time to TTC again (well as you can see we have tried this cycle) but I am having second thoughts as to whether the timing is really right. You see, I am a working mum (out of necessity) and it's my passion to go to uni and be a midwife. I always thought I'd have my 2 kiddies then go to uni. But in reality juggling being a mummy to 2, part time work and uni is going to be extremely difficult. Not to mention the cost of having 2 little ones in childcare at the same time.

In my head I definately think that the financial and life balance will be much more do-able if I were to start uni next year and wait until I've finished my degree before giving Charli a sibling. But like I mentioned above, that would mean a 5-6 year age gap and of course I'd be about 36 by then also so TTC may be slightly harder.

Am I being selfish if I decide to go to uni and put baby #2 on hold??? DH is keen to have another one soon because he doesn't want to be an old father (he is 33 )

Help! Your thoughts will be much appreciated.

Thanks for reading.

[smiles4u]

My younger sister and i are 4years + 8mths apart in age and we were the closest of sisters imaginable ... (sadly our relationship took a turn when she didn't handle my being pregnant well with my 1st bub as she has always wanted a family then she began to distance herself after my DD was born) ... I loved my sister so incredibly & thought the world of her that i named my DD's middle name after her

My DP is 33 ... he would never consider himself old as i was 40 when we had our DD (though i wouldn't recommend having a bub at 40 if you can help it )

[Pandora]

My mum is 4 years younger than her brother and 6 years younger than her sister. She was much closer to her brother growing up but more a personality type than anything else she is prety close to them both now.

[Salsa]

As Ray ray says , i think its more to do with personalities than age gaps.

I do completley understand where you are coming from though, as i have a 6 yr gap between mine.
Why?
Because like you, i wanted to study, and when I weighed it up I figured it would be easier to manage study and family life with one child rather than 2.

I wanted my kids close together too, but I also didnt want to wait 10 -15 years for my babies to be old enough for me to study. It was brilliant doing my degree (in my 30s too), and a challenge, but im so glad i have done it.
My kids adore each other, but I still feel bad that my eldest was an only for 6 years and even now gets lonely, as the youngest is too young to join in the games he wants to do etc. As tough as that side of it is I am so pleased to have done the study, it was so good to be learning new stuff and mixing with other people outside of my usual circle.
As good as it has been to do that study though, the downside is that with the age/clock ticking thing, I had another baby straight after graduating, and now have to wait a few more years until I can get working and using my qualification.

I made sure I had the support set up in place to be able to do it, but even with that same support I dont think I could have coped doing it with 2 kids. I still was not able to do as much in some study as I wanted, cause I had to go pick up at daycare etc rather than going to the library for research etc.


All the best with making your decision.

[Turkish Delight]

i don't think 5-6 years is such a big age gap. My kids have 5 years between them and they play along just fine.

I have 10 years between my brother and me. He is older. 10 years is too much as we have nothing in common. We never even fought as kids, he got married real young at 22 whilst i was 12, so i was like an only child.

5-6 years is nothing.

GL with your studies.

[Visitor6]

My brother and I are 18 months apart. My sisters are about the same. There is 6-8 years between me and my sisters.

It's not the gaps that create the problems, but the lack of family. Create the environment where everyone is included in the family unit, even when grown up. Reinforce it whenever you can and however.

My partner tells me time and time again how unique that we are all great mates and a very bounded family. It's not unachievable.

As for the family or Uni decision, it's what is right for you, selfish isn't apart of it. I guess worrying about being an older dad can be concerning, but hey I'm going to be first timer at 40 so it can't be all that bad!

Midwifery isn't a game and having to chance to focus your abilities on your studies is paramount. So perhaps letting that dream come to fruition will also give you the life skills to help juggle a precious addition once you qualify!

[Bathsheba]

I have a gap between my 1st (DD) and 2nd (DS) of 9 years for similar reasons to you: wanted to complete a degree. The gap wasn't a problem, infact it was good in lots of ways... but I dealt with it by having a third soon after my 2nd... another DS.

These days I believe that I couldn't have planned it any better if I had tried! DD was a whoopsie baby when I was 24. She had me to herself for 9 years and then she was actually quite keen to "share" me with babies... they were like living dolls to her! Now she is nearly 15 she is very helpful. I really need her help too as I don't have much extended family for support. She isn't being treated like Cinderella LOL but she happily will babysit for us occasionally (after the boys are asleep) DH and I have recently felt ok about ducking out to a nearby cafe for coffee and cake.

My DH has an even bigger gap of 10 years between him and his brothers... and these days they are great mates. As time passes the gap seems less and less.... from my experience. He is closer to his older brothers than he ever was to his younger sister (2 year gap). But yes, this could be personalities more than anything.

ETA: on a practical level it is really good to have a child old enough to be helpful especially when you are BFing a newborn and the phone rings etc... and I have found that the rivalry between my 1st and 2nd is non existent... unlike between the two boys.