Guardians in your will?

[Teeki]

Firstly, I'm not entirely certain this is the correct place for this thread, so mods please move if needed.

Now that we have a little one on the way, we've realised we really need to get our wills in order. Well we should anyway, but this just makes it more important. We've discussed it, and for the most part it's easy, but we have no idea who to appoint as guardian's of Little Squid.

DH would prefer it not to be his sister, as that environment is rather unstable. I'm unsure about my brother and his girlfriend, they're young, live in a city unit and have very time consuming jobs. My mum has an illness that affects her balance and she stresses easily, so I don't think her and dad could cope with a young child. The in laws are out, as they don't have space and fil is 70 - not the best age for a little one full time!

This leaves us with friends. I'm ok with that, I had 4 biological aunties and uncles growing up but always knew my parents best friends would be our guardians if anything were to happen. The problem is, we don't have any friends with kids and we don't know what they'd think.

Based on this, who would you leave your child to? I'm guessing we'll need to discuss with whoever we choose anyway, we wouldn't just surprise them with it. Just don't know who our best bet would be!

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[human bean]

We have just spent months (much longer than we would have liked) agonising over this decision. For reasons I won't go into, either set of our parents or any of our siblings are unsuitable at this point in their lives. The sibling situations might change, we have acknowledged that. Our small circle of friends were seriously considered, but we ended up going with DH's Uncle and Aunt. They are in their early 40's, truly wonderful people and the only family we feel 150% comfortable raising DD in our absence. It will go down like a lead balloon with certain family if they find out, but it's our choice not theirs.

Have you thought about other family members? Not just immediate family? And as for your friends without kids, if you feel they are suitable to act as guardians, why not talk to them about it? Just because they don't have children doesn't make them the wrong choice. And yep you really do need to talk to whoever you choose first, it's not an easy conversation, but once it's done you'll feel so much better about it. We sure did.

[mrsmac]

Were you watching Guiliana and Bill the other night??
It made me think about it too. My kids would go to IL's as they are only in their late 50s/early 60s. DD1 is already an adult but it would be too much for her to be responsible for her younger siblings at this stage. Both my brother and DH's sister have their own families and don't need the added burden of my kids. Dad is 73 now and on his own so not practical. I love my ILs and have no prob with them raising the 2 yonger kids if anything happened to us.

[toomanyshoes]

We've had the same problem since DS was born, my mum is adamant they will go to her but I just don't feel comfortable with that, there is NOW WAY IN HELL I would ever let our kids go to DH's family so we went with one of my aunties and uncle.

You really need to make a short list of who you would consider and talk to these people, like really talk not just a passing "oh we were thinking you might take the kids if something happened to us" "sure". I think it's important to discuss it so they realise what they will be in for, if you know what I mean?

Good luck

[mzcatieboo]

My children are left to my best friend/there god mother and if some horrible reason she isnt around then they will go to her sister because my kids ADORE both of them..

im not comfortable with my family or DH family raising our children. if my dad wasnt so busy id leave the kids to him. but if he wants them then he has the option to say that he will take them over anyone

[Teeki]

Haha mrsmac, I don't even know what that show is! Just one of those will/insurance ads came on and it got us talking.

I guess it is a changeable thing, when my brother and his girlfriend are older they might be really suitable. Could always see what they say! As for other family, I have two bachelor uncles and my aunties unfortunately passed away, my cousins are no good except for one, and she's a young single girl over in Melbourne I don't see very often. Due to the in-law's ages there's no one there either.

I guess the reason we're thinking of these friends is because they have very similar values and a similar lifestyle to us. They live on a farm near our home town, so close to both families anyway. Although they don't have a family now they want one soon, I just think it might be a lot of pressure to take on a child when they don't already have one you know?

Writing all this out, I think we may have a chat with these friends and my brother, at least to see what their thoughts are.

Thanks!

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[StrawberryMumma]

I was going to start a similar thread to this the other day! I am struggling big time with this decision and because we have three kids, it would be like giving someone an instant family that they may not want

[Arimeh]

In our will, we have appointed friends as guardians.

Now, they have split up - so we have to change our wills. I will most probably get my brother and SIL to step in as guardians as they are people that I trust with my babies - I have a sister as well, but at the moment, she is single with 3 kids of her own.

ETA - DH has a brother and sister as well, but his sister doesn't have any children, and tbh I don't think she would be prepared to take them. She's 38 and will probably never have children, just never interested in having them. His brother has had the snip (and doesn't have any children) so he definitely doesn't want the burden of children!

[RockingBaker]

I have the issue that if anything happened to me my children may be separated. DDs SD would fight DF in court (though hopefully he would have no hope as he has only seen them once and DF has raised them from birth) and DS could be taken by his SD (as listed on his birth cert.). Only child DF would be guaranteed would be this baby as Juno is biologically his.
Ignoring all that, I wouldnt want my mother (or father) to get them, my siblings are too young (nearest sibling is just 16) and sadly my grandparents are almost 80 (they would be my ideal home for the kids as they respect our decisions and implement our way of parenting with our children without argument. The kids also love them something fierce).
DFs parents are just getting to know them and seem very overwhelmed just visiting them, both DFs sisters would not be an ideal home in my eyes (one of his sisters is married with a son but is a very different parent to us and the other sister is 23, single and constantly changing her life plans on a whim, very unstable home environment etc) and DFs brother is newly wed with a 3 month old baby but of our close family, to me, they would be the best choice.

[meow]

When my older sister and I became guardians of our younger sister neither of us had our own children. So we entered the parenting game with a 9 year old and learned the ropes as we went (and did a damn fine job I think). We both switched to part time jobs and found ways to make it work. I wouldn't discount family or friends without children... are they child friendly types? Are they close to you that you feel your child's happiness would matter a lot to them so they'll make the sacrifices?

We think we know who we'll choose but we're yet to commit it to paper... Can I ask the spin off question of where everyone did their wills? Anyone do one online?

[Janie71]

We have been through this too and have decided that my Mum and my MIL will have shared guardianship. We trust that they will sort out how this arrangement would work between them as they both would have DD's best interests at heart. We have made sure that we have enough life insurance in place for each of us so that DD will not be a financial burden on them (not that they would ever consider her a burden). They are both happy with this as are we. We really want to ensure that DD gets to know both sides of the family.

This however will change down the track if our mothers health starts to suffer. But we will approach that if we get to it. My sister and her husband are the back ups (currently they have one DS).

Good luck in your decision, it is such an important one.

Janie xxx

[meow]

We have made sure that we have enough life insurance in place for each of us so that DD will not be a financial burden on them (not that they would ever consider her a burden).

Just on this point... make sure you state in your will that this money is allowed to be spent on raising your children. Or that your executor knows this. My Mum's executor made life very hard for us as she insisted my younger sister was entitled to an inheritance and the money had to go into trust. We were fortunate being sisters we got equal shares of the inheritance so we had some money to raise her with but it was still a stretch.

[Teeki]

Oh that would be awful if your children were split up rb, I hope the possibility never arises.

Thanks for your advice meow, I do think my brother and these friends would be good as they're great with kids, so we'll definitely see what they all say.

And I was going to ask about the which will thing too! Ours would be really simple so don't know if there'd be any point going through a solicitor? We're also going to update our insurance when the little one arrives, we haven't done that since we bought our house 18 months ago.

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[grub17]

yeah i wouldn't rule out younger family, remember things can change in a coupel of years. I'd be more looking at who loves my child and loves me and would respect my child-rearing decisions (the main points i'd lay out int he will if needs be). just think how much more precious your bub would be to family if you were gone.

i also consider who could financially handle raising my lovelies.

if i were you i'd talk to your brother and see what his thoughts are. let him have a think of it with an 'get of of jail free' card (so to speak) and go from there.

we've chosen my sister and her hubby, who sadly can't but very much want children. they are both career coppers and adore kids, in particular my ds (they are also his godparents). So we are very lucky to have a no-brainer decision there.

hope that helps.ox

[human bean]

I bought a couples legal will kit from the PO, and we worked our way through it, I retyped it on the PC, and we filled in all the blanks. We have printed, signed and witnessed copies, and the originals we are actually banking at the Will Bank at the Public Trustee office. We have copies in our filing cabinet, and on the PC too. We have told our executor/s that the originals will be at the Will Bank and copies here too.

The kit was fairly straighforward to follow, so I guess I can only hope our wills are clear and concise for all concerned. We did add in that the money held in trust for DD can be accessed by her guardians for costs associated with her upbringing etc.

[Arimeh]

I wouldn't discount family or friends without children... are they child friendly types?

In my case, I'm definitely discounting my SIL and BIL - not giving my kids to people that see them max 4 times a year and have nothing to do with kids, and then expected to know what to do with 4 young kids all very close in age. Whereas, my brother and SIL have 3 boys themselves, and are awesome parents, just have to provide them the cash along with the kids cos they'd have 7 kids all up then! LOL