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Thread: Have I made a bad mistake?

  1. #1

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    Default Have I made a bad mistake?

    Hey guys, OMG my life and my head is just such a mess. We have 19mth old Zarius and are having issues in our life that is tearing us apart.



    1. When hubby and I met we spoke about children and i was honest in saying that i wanted 2 and he was honest with saying he only maybe wanted one more ( he has one from previous marriage that he cant see)

    2. OH has massive sex needs that i just cant keep up with, between all the hand building and digging, chasing zarius, the cleaning and being on meds and suffering from possible BiPola. i just cant find the energy and he thinks that i am using him and that i dont love him coz i dont give him sex 3 days a week. no matter how much i tell him that i love him and give him hugs and kisses and all that, it doesnt stop him saying that i dont love him.this has been going on for years

    3. I have now got the urge for another bubby, but i have sat down and looked inside and its not to fulfill a hole or tyr to fix the marriage it is generally because i would like to have another child.

    So what do i do??? I am so confused and messed up and dont know how to take OH should i stay with him just coz we own a property and have a child together?? i do love him to pieces but right now it just doesnt feel like its enough.

  2. #2

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    Talk to him and let him know how you feel especially about baby no 2.

    Keep talking so either of you don't lock each other out, which is so easy to do.

    If need be, talk to your Dr and get a referral to a psychologist if you think bipolar is an issue.

  3. #3

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    DH and I struggle with the same problem re: sex life. I'm generally happy to have it once a month, he would like it once a day, LOL. I complained to him one day that maybe I would feel like sex more often if he were affectionate at other times as well. I think that the problem between male and female libido is because women see intimacy and affection WITHOUT the need for sex to be more important, whereas men feel that the sex IS the intimacy and affection. Does that make sense? Not sure, too early for me on a Saturday

    After talking it over with my DH, I started taking Wyld tablets to improve my energy levels. I've been on them for about a month now and there's been a definite improvement. I also find that for me more sex = DESIRE for more sex. And DH has made a concerted effort to show affection without expectation of something further, so that I feel my needs are being met as well.

    It is a serious issue in relationships, something that should definitely be discussed between the two of you. You both love each other very much, and that's a brilliant foundation to start with. Sit down and talk honestly and openly with each other, discussing your own personal needs and work out a compromise that will make you both happier

  4. #4

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    hey rivlas,

    thats the thing no matter how much talking we do it just doesnt solve anything and causes a massive fight because we take what eachother says the wrong way especially hubby, i have learnt how to talk and not get offended as much recently. I have been seeing a psych but have now changed psychs so going to meet the new one on the 14th oct. OH has been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Dissorder which is a tough one to deal with. we are both on meds, but i find that i have no time for me. He is always with me and i am the sort of person who cant have people clinging to me 24/7 however OH seems to believe its ok as he is an "ex-christian" and that was one of the beliefs that you spent 24/7 with your partner ( i dont think so) he seems to get the crankys if i say to him that we are spending way to much time together. None of us work he has recently had to close the doors to his business as it wasnt surviving to well but now he just wants to be at home and watch zarius grow up and do things on the property. I am going absolutely CRAZY!!!!! i was thinking of going back to work just to have time out ggggrrrrr i dont want to as i am studying right now (when i get the chance too) i just cant find a way to split myself into a million pieces to be everywhere at one time

  5. #5

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    Keike,

    You make perfect sense and thats what i have tried to explain to DH. He just doesnt want to put the effort in to be affectinate becoz he doesnt get his needs met if that makes sense

    How long did it take you to realise a difference in your libido with the wyld tabs? I may have to give them ago or i was thinking of going onto some multi - vitamins.

  6. #6

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    Hun you absolutely should not have to split yourself into a million pieces -if you do that, you'll end up putting yourself under more pressure and make everything so much worse.



    I'm a Christian and don't expect my
    Hubby to be with me 24/7. I think it's so important to have your own interests, your own friends, your own time. It is great that he wants to be with you and DS so much but I think it does sound like you need some space!

    Do your studies give you some time off?

    I think Keike has raised some fantastic points about male and female libido and desires. I feel exactly the same way as you about sex and it is a constant source of angst between me and DH. We have agreed to try and DTD three times a week to keep things good between us.

    With regards to the baby - if you feel you want another, you need to talk to
    DH about that.

    Good luck!

  7. #7

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    Hi OP. No my studies dont give me time out. I am thinking of taking a table and chair up to the paddock and do my studies with the horses as much as they may wanna help it wont bother me as much as DH having break downs and might even get him to wake up during the day and look after zarius while i study. I am studying from home so i can be with my family but yes i severely need time away and to myself. I am finding it hard each time hubby and i talk about it coz he thinks i dont love him and cant stand to be around him ggggrrrr i am sooooooooo frustrated i just wish i could hide and then the problem will go away.

  8. #8

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    So even though he is home with you and Zarius during the day, he doesn't do anything to help out??

    Have you tried talking to him about that? Explained that if you had just an hour or two during the day to have some time out and study in peace, you could begin to recharge your batteries and could work on developing your sexual relationship.

  9. #9

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    It was only a couple of days before I noticed a difference in my energy levels, and then a few days later the libido levels

    Does your OH work secularly? I was just surprised by your comment that he's at home with you all day...So from what I understand, and PLEASE correct me if I'm wrong - your OH doesn't work, doesn't help out much with your son, and is then quite demanding of your sexual relationship? If all of that is correct, I would say that increasing your libido is not really the solution, it's more of a relationship imbalance, y'know? One side is shouldering most of the responsibility out of necessity. A marriage counsellor could be quite helpful for you, either just yourself or as a couple if your OH would attend.

    It also sounds as if your OH has some self esteem issues, which lead him to think you don't love him if you want to be away from him for a short time. There's nothing wrong with having time out for yourself, it's a basic need! DH and I have a standing agreement that if one of us feels the need for 'alone time', the other one must accept that and not take it personally. And then we schedule a couple date night - so, say I had time out with myself tonight, we would go out next weekend on a date, just to balance it out. Do you have friends/family who can watch Zarius while you two go out?

    Above all, your OH needs to come to the party in your relationship. It can't all be done by you, you have needs that are not being met at all, and he has needs that he feels are not being met often enough. That's fine, both points are valid, but you will be less inclined to meet his extra needs if your basic ones are being ignored ITMS

  10. #10

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    I am a christian and as much as I love my DH, DDx2 SIL & grandchildren I need time away from everyone at times. I don't know what he was taught but even Jesus went and had time alone. He was not with his disciples or followers 24/7.

    Is there any chance of him becoming a full time SAHD and you going back to Uni full time? This would get your course finished quicker and you would have time alone. Can you study at the local library for a few hours a week.

    Having to be on call 24/7 and doing everything is not going to help your energyor stress levels.

    I hope all goes well on the 14th October.

  11. #11

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    Keike - what you said has pretty well hit the nail on the head. Although now and only the last week DH has been making bottles and helping to get him to sleep which has been a bit of weight off my shoulders. I was thinking of a marriage counselor DH said he would come along if it is going to help us, as we both dont wanna leave eachother we just need to sort our differences out which is the frustrating part!! No DH doesnt work he is retired now he still does alot around the property here which is wonderful and I adore him for that and appreciate it all, but its ok to make the property look nice but what about us??? I did say to hm last nght that there is "no us" at the moment, it feels like we are just 2 people living under the same roof caring for the same child. he has admitted to me that he has been pretty deeply depressed as his step father has got out of jail ( he was sexually abused by his step father) so he is very concerned that he will find us and possibly come to kill him but we lay here in hope as everything we own is all in my name and unlss SD has a cop friend that can look up DH lisence then we are pretty safe for now. I am worried about it myself but i am more concerned about our relationship than that old man coming here. My mum lives up here but thats all I have and she has offered to look after zarius while we go out.

    Rivlas - I think it is something he may have made up in his head for him to believe so he has control and doesnt have to worry about if I am cheating or not as he puts it. coz aparently if i spend to much time alone, like out with the girls and a couple of drinks things could go wrong! not that i am like that i am very very loyal i just wish he could see it. You know what i am feeling like a possum trapped in one of those cages!!! hmmm i think i may have to get on the horses once this rain goes and start riding everyday and that could be my time out.

  12. #12

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    I think a) counselling (for you as a couple and him independantly) b) going for a ride each day and c) studying on campus are all great ideas and could really help you to regain some sense of normality and balance in both your life and your relationship.
    Your doctor can give you a referral for a counsellor, and if they can set up a mental health care plan the sessions should be billed to medicare.
    It's great that your partner is at least open to the possibility for change, but you need to start making the steps towards change, and DEFINITELY before you start thinking about ttc bub number 2.
    You really do have an awful lot on your plate as things stand. Don't add more before you can make it workable.
    GL, I hope it works out

  13. #13

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    Hi Lara,

    We are both going to see a psych. i am waiting for my appointment on the 14th OCt as i have changed psychs now and hubby is also going to see one he has recently spoken to the doctor and got a MHP done, so we have that in place already and i would like to do a joint counselling as well. oh yes we will get this all sorted before we ttc bubs #2 what i was saying in the signiture is just we are thinking about it atm not yet planed.

  14. #14

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    I really don't like how holds "You don't love me" over you to get sex! He is being a bully & needs to realise it! I hope you can find a solution .

  15. #15

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    I have high hopes for you both in marriage councelling. I went for awhile with xp and found it very helpful to have a "translator". Men and women often speak different languages!

    It's terrific he is willing to go along and sort things out too - it can only make you stronger xoxoxo

  16. #16

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    Efjay - I do realise that but of course you cant tell them lol so i am hoping that going to a counsellor will help point that out!

    LuLu - thank you soo much for your encouragement. I have also been thinking is it just me expecting to much from him? I guess thats why i am thinking if i had made a bad mistake as even today he said to me he doesnt feel the closeness this week. but i had said the same and its just hurting so much right now. i just cant wait to see my psych and also hopefully find a really good marriage counsellor up here.

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