To have, or not to have an only child

[Bathsheba]

I've had experience having an only child for 9 years... then being a mother of two more in quicker succession... so now I have 3. We always knew that we'd have more than just a single child but I needed to do a few more things like return to study before i was ready to have more. Now having said that I can say that whether you wait or have them close will bring their own list of pros and cons in about an equal ratio. At the end of the day you do what you intuitively feel is right. Logic really doesn't play that much of a role when it comes to having children i've found. I know that my eldest child has certainly benefited from having her younger brothers around. She might not always think so... but it's teaching her great lessons in tolerance that you just don't get if you just 'socialise' an only child. At 3am my now teenage DD is learning that whether she likes it or not if her brothers are sick then her sleep will most likely be disturbed as they cry in the room next door. She knows that try as you might she has no other choice than to tolerate her little brothers noise as they hoon around on their toy cars when she is trying to watch the TV. On the other side of the coin it's one of the best things for me to see, as their mum, them all getting along and making family movies (this is my DD's speciality... she's made so many movies of the boys that Dh and I just never would have gotten around to) and watching her showing the boys and hearing them all laughing hysterically! I know the age gaps are big now (13yo, 4yo, 2yo) but my DH has a 10/12/15year age gap with his older brothers but these days you wouldn't know it... they all get along great mates. Ages gaps do have a way of growing smaller as the people involved get older... just speaking from experience.

[~Raven~]

I can share a different, but sad perspective on this.

My MIL has has an partner (at 70 is it really a BF ) who sadly lost his only son in a car crash when he was 19. His wife didn't want anymore children. He told me she did express regret that she didn't have another child but it was too late to do anything about it by then.

Now he is a part of our life as MIL's partner (his wife passed a couple of years ago) and he told me that while he is loving it he is also sad too that he has no grandchildren of "his own".

[tsgirl]

Spice I don't have any experience to offer you, but at this stage DP are planning on an only child. We are both one of two and extremely close to our siblings, but our feeling is that with our lifestyle and age planning for more wouldn't be in the child's best interests.

Like a PP said, you have plenty of time to make these decisions. Enjoying your precious little Charli now doesn't mean you can't add to the family later. We were just looking at old pictures of our nieces recently and commenting on what a baby the elder was when the little one was born. At the time we thought Miss 2 was so grown up (and indeed, she had changed and matured incredibly quickly) but when we look at those photos she is only a baby herself. There are 3 1/2 and 4 1/2 years between myself and sister and DP and sister and being that extra distance apart didn't mean that we weren't close. Goodluck with what you decide, and in the meantime enjoy your darling little girl

[amberj]

I was essentially raised as an only child from the time I was 8, and I loved it. I had the right personality for it- introverted and always fairly mature. I thrived on time to myself and having my parent's attention and being able to talk with them about all sorts of things. I didn't and don't care about the material aspect, but the attention aspect was very beneficial for me. But, as I said, that was my personality.

Its funny, I have always been happy to have only one child, but now that I have one, I find myself seriously considering whether to have a second because your own child is such an amazing miracle! I also get scared about something happeneing to Peter and then not having any children!

Obviously, go with your heart, but I just wanted to add a positive only child experience!

[Jakabella]

I am an only child and I loved it! I was truely made to be an only child and I think I would have hated having a bro or a sis. I am very social and have a great imagination. I had and still have a wonderful relationship with my mum and dad and I knoew that I never wanted to share them.
In saying this I will have more than one child as thats what my husband and I want - but I know that if after this bus I was not able to have any more then I would still know that this bub would be fine being an only child.

Hope that my experiance has helped.
Kate

[paradise lost]

I am the youngest of 6. Mum had 7 babies over 25 years (first at 18, last, me, at 43), but my brother was born at about 20 weeks with anencephaly and obviously he didn't make it.

My closest sibling in age is 3.5 years older than me, my closest sibling emotionally, my only sister (half sister if you want to be precise, which as a family we never do ), is 16 years older than me.

Mum nearly died having my brother, placenta praevia, abruption and emergency ceaserian delivery at 33+ weeks, massive haemorrhage, 4 units transfused. 18 months later she lost my brother with anencephaly, 21 or so months after that she had me.

I am incredibly grateful to have so many siblings. We are not all close, some are closer than others, but we are all HERE, in the world, for one another.

I had DD, an oopsie baby, in 2006. Her dad and i split up when she was 8 weeks old and i began dating DP when she was 5 months old. We've been going strong 2 years now and i am DESPERATE to have another baby. In my head i want us to have bought a house (we'll be looking in November), lived together for a good while (6-9 months, to iron out any transitional difficulties and so we both have a "normal" time to look back on should i have a difficult pregnancy) before i have the Mirena removed. Of course my uterus just wants a baby in it NOW. NOW! Lol.

When i was single and thinking of DD being an only child the idea made me feel incredibly sad. For me and for her. I would not have wanted to miss out on the joys OR the agonies of having siblings - one learns so much about one's self and the world from them (or i did anyway), and more selfishly for myself, i can see utterly the truth in Dach's words about getting a new cake (of love) with a new baby, and i WANT that. I am NOT a brilliant mother all the time, but i'm a MUCH better person for being a mother, and i am excited to see our little family grow in all the ways one can.

I don't think you have to decide now. I wouldn't have wanted 4-4.5 years between #1 and #2 (the minimum there will be IF ttc isn't problematic, which of course it might be) and in an ideal world if we have more than 1 more baby i'd want about 20-30 months between them maximum (mainly because i don't want to be BFing and changing nappies for another decade ) BUT if for whatever reason there HAS to be a big gap between #2 and #3 as well, so be it. If i hadn't had an oopsie i'd not have gotten DD, so i'm much more willing to believe that Fate knows what Fate is doing now.

On a more personal note Spice, i think you're a fabulous mumma and you should have 20 more!

Bx

[krysalyss]

I think it is something you have to decide for yourself.
We only want one child for many reasons but none of them are financial. We are complete as a family now.
Having an only child is fine. But you have to provide for them the social stimulation they need both with parents and kids. If DS is awake then we are together (either me or DH or both of us). He only plays alone when he takes himself off to play by himself. We also go to 2-3 playgroups a week and he does daycare one day a week. Unfortunately we are temporarily away from family but when we were near them he saw his cousins once a week and grandparents at least twice a week. You definitely have to make a big effort. But I think you also do if you have more than one because they need to be able to socialise with people from different backgrounds and viewpoints.
I think someone else said siblings are a blessing and a curse. And I agree. While siblings can be best friends, or good friends, a lot of bullying can occur within families as well. It is definitely not all happy families just because there is more than one child.

[~mamaspice~]

hello everyone

Thanks so much for your input. It's very interresting to read about everyones experiences. There have been lots of points that I hadn't considered before.

[Phteven]

I think someone else said siblings are a blessing and a curse. And I agree. While siblings can be best friends, or good friends, a lot of bullying can occur within families as well. It is definitely not all happy families just because there is more than one child.

TBH if bullying etc is occurring between siblings then none of the children would be better off as only children. A parent who is unperceptive or chooses to stick their head in the sand when there is tension or antagonism between their children is going to be equally ignorant of any problems in an only child.
I'm so grateful that I have my siblings even if we did have some crazy fights when we were growing up. Like a previous poster said - there is something incredibly reassuring about knowing that there are people out there who have my back if ever I need them and like my sister said to me a few weeks ago - it's nice to be with people who 'get' you and don't need explanations.