Ok I just wrote a humongous post but my net dropped out and I lost it all...but just quickly before I race out the door to pick up DD.
I have always wanted 3-4 children. DH and I compromised on having 3. Until DS was born. He then said no more. He gave a variety of reasons, in which I can see his point. So he being half of our baby making machine (lol) I have tried to accept this. I have spent the last year or so looking on the positive side of having no more chidren.
Bu this last week we have had a pg 'scare' for lack of a better word. I did a pg test and it was negative and I am swining between disappointment and relief. DH was rather blase anout the possibility of another bub. He was just 'whatever will be will be'. There was no crisis, no what the heck will we do with another baby.....just hmmm, ok we'll see what happens....
AF still hasn't arrived and I am still quietly hoping I could be pg. Every time I see a pg woman I can't help but stare at her, new babies too. I am clucky. Got a bit jealous (again no better words!) of a workmate who is pg and due mid next yr.....
I have reasons for both side of this problem....but how do I decide? Anyone else been in a similar situation? If I were to start ttc, I would want to soon, I would like my kids close, and well, DS is 2 in 9ish months time....
Arrgh what to do??????????? Give me your opinions. I know noone but DH and I can make this decision, but some lovely wise words from you all would be wonderful
I think you know in your heart when you are 'done'.
I love babies, but not in that ' gee I could really have another one' kinda way. LOL.
After 3, I have been able to give away all my baby items without a care in the world, but some mothers just can't do that. That is my sign that I am done babymaking anyway.
Good Luck.
I'm in the same boat as you. DH and I always wanted 4 children but since the birth of DD2, we are thinking maybe we should just settle on 3 for a number of reasons including my health as I have had GD in my last 2 pregnancies and even though I lost a bit of weight between DS and DD2, my GD was worse the second time around so I think it will just get progressively more so with every pg. Also now I have had a c-sect and I NEVER want to go through that again, but there is no guarantee of a natural labour.
Also, pg was hard on me last time looking after 2 kids and I was soooo tired. I worry that by being pregnant again, I would not be caring for the kids I already have the way that I should and the way that I want to. I don't see any point in us having more kids if we can't appreciate the kids we already have, IYKWIM. I feel good about myself as a Mum at the moment and feel confident in most things to do with my parenting ability, I didn't feel that way when I was pregnant and it affects the way that I parent.
I have been looking at all the positives of only having 3 kids and can see a lot of benefits but I guess I worry that I will regret not having 4 and doing what we always planned. I want them close so if I don't have another baby in the next year or two, we won't have any more and that will be that, but we are thinking a lot about what we want at the moment too. I don't know why I can't let it go that easily - having another baby - everything logically seems in favour of us stopping at 3, but I guess there is still a desire for a 4th.
DH is a gem. He is extremely happy to stop at 3 kids, but will happily consider 4 if it's what I want. I think he would really like to just have 3 though. He feels really good about stopping now.
Sorry, don't think that helped much but I am very interested in this discussion and lots of the things you said rang very true with me as well. You are not alone in the decision and I have no idea how you make this decision as it's consequences are life long. I guess I don't want to regret my decision if I decide not to have another one. I know that if I have a 4th, I won't regret that decision because I can't regret another little life, but it doesn't mean that it is the right decision for us IYKWIM.
Anyway, thanks for starting this thread, it is something I am really interested in discussing.
my three monkeys, I have donated most of my baby stuff as DS grew out of it. All of our baby clothes and furniture is gone. All I have left is the porta cot, high chair (not suitable for under 6mths) and stroller (also not suitable for under 6mths). That's it. I haven't kept any of his clothes and donated all of DD's that I had stored. So that doesn't seem to be any kind of indication for me, lol!
I still have the desire to have another baby. But I don't know if it's just that, the desire to have a baby or to actually add to our family and have another child, kwim?? My son is almost 16mths old now, and I was ready to give birth to DS by the time DD was 16mths. DS was an unplanned pg too(well, we planned on having another, but not so soon after DD), so I didn't really get the chance to kind of decide to have him. I didn't go through the 'when should we ttc again' stuff before I had him. So I don't know if this is how I would have felt then, or if it's just normal 'Im not having anymore children' kind of mourning or something.
Just me, I am lucky in that I have had quite healthy pg's (but that won't guarentee another healthy pg!). But I don't especially enjoy being pg. Though with another pg I would make more of an effort to ensure I did because it would definately be my last. But I am overweight now. I haven't lost much weight from having DS. And I am fairly unfit and my core muscles are unstable making my back a bit of a problem in pg. I only put on about 9kgs but I have probably only lost about 4of that. Then as well as that I have about 25-30kgs I could lose to be a healthy weight (but realistically it would be 20kg). I have no other health issues to worry about though.
I do worry about having 2 kids and working and being pg. It was tough with one, let alone two. But we could possibly have some changes coming our way that may mean I can be a SAHM again. But that might not be for a few months maybe up to 6mths. I don't know if I want to wait that long. If I weren't pg by that time I would probably not want to continue TTC. I don't really want more than 2 1/2yrs between the kids. I know it's not a long time, but....I don't know!
Parenting is another thing too. I really struggled with having both DD and DS. Now things are ok, but until DS was about 9mths I found life really tough with them. But I am also suffering with depression. I am managing it, but it's only recently I have gotten mostly on top of it.
I can see DH points too. I see his side of things. He grew up without much money in his family. His dad was unable to work due to injury and his mum was his carer so didn't work in the paid workforce either. They rarely had luxuries and DH feels he missed out on alot. He doesn't want that for our family. But he and his three brothers are lovely people. I hope my DS would grow into such a man. They are all loyal, loving, intelligent, caring people. Money isn't everything...but it is important. I would like to live a relatively comfortable life. So would DH. I want to provide my children with things they want to have like sports programs and music lessons if that's what they like. Having three to do those things would be exxy!
If we had another baby, we would need to get all the baby stuff again. Clothes, furniture....all of it. Probably a new car, new house. We only life in a 2 br unit at the mo, so definately a new house. But that would be one of the changes I mentioned. The opportunity to move with DH's work and we would get a house to live in.
DH doesn't want another baby. But I think if we really sat down and talked it through again, he would probably be open to another one. He is very supportive and a great daddy. He wants to get a vasectomy. But I don't want him to before we really talk and sort through this. But I need to think about it and decide if I want to do it for the right reasons....
I can totally understand where you are both you and your DH are coming from. I suppose our reasoning for stopping at three kids is also a financial one. Adding another child, would mean I would be a SAHM for even longer and would set us back again as far as being 'comfortable' and buying our dream home etc etc.......(and I am starting to enjoy my independence again. LOL)
I'm sure whatever you decide it will be what is best for you and your family.
Most importantly take time to look after yourself aswell.
I totally hear you, Lilias. I don't think I can provide any answers for you because the same things going through your head about having another baby are the same things going through mine. Money isn't everything but it is nice to be able to give your kids everything they need without worry and some extras on top of that. We had to replace our car for baby number 3 (we got a Tarago) but we don't use the back 3 seats. They are folded up for boot space. We got a newer model so the seats would be split fold and we could still fold up 2 of them while having one set up and put one of the kids in the very back but the new child restraint laws really does make it difficult to have 4 kids under 7 (there is no practical way to set up car seats for 4 kids and believe me we have looked!).
There are so many issues to consider. Practically it really doesn't make sense to have one more baby, but the desire is huge. And I think about the same things you do with whether or not I want another child or whether I just want to be pg again (even though I had GD, I have had great pg, I just don't want to increase my risk further of developing type 2 diabetes because I don't think it is fair on my family for me to put myself at risk like that). In some ways though, if I could skip the whole newborn thing and just have a toddler then I most probably go for it. Managing a newborn and 3 kids is really a daunting idea because it is tough with a newborn and 2 others. But I have survived so far and know that I will survive again and get through it. I guess that's the thing though - I don't want to be just surviving, I want to be living.
Sorry, I am talking about me a lot. I guess I just don't know what advice to offer you so I am just telling you about the things going through my head because I have found it quite normalising that you are thinking through the same issues as me.
Mum to 3 - I totally get what you mean about independence too. Thinking this could be our last baby, I have started to picture myself in 2 years time with my youngest being 2 years old and how incredibly different and easy my life would be by then if I don't have another baby.
It is such a difficult decision. Lilias - I hope you find peace with what you want to do soon. There is lots to think about and I think it is good for your DH to hold off having a vaesectomy until you find peace with whatever you decide to do. If he goes and has one before you are ready, you will most probably always feel like you would have had another baby just because the decision was no longer there to make IYKWIM. Talking it over with him may help a lot or like it is with my DH, we just talk in circles about all the good things about having one more and leaving things the way they are. We can see merits on both sides and because neither of us knows entirely what we want, we just discuss it for ages but never come to a conclusion that we are happy with.
I think that we have decided on a guideline of me losing 10kg (so that I am in my healthy BMI range) before we will even look at another baby. We also don't want them too far apart so if I am not pg by August next year we think we will just let it go. For me, it is important to set goals and time frames. You never know, after I go to all the effort to lose the weight, I may not want to put it back on again with pg as well. I am also bfing and it is working really well for us this time so there is a chance that I won't be able to get pg anyway if I am still feeding. But I guess because we aren't making a decision at the moment, we have just set goals to achieve before we make any decisions and we will see how we are feeling once those goals are achieved if that makes sense.
I still haven't mustered up the courage to talk to DH about it....
Just me you said it well, practically it doesn't make much sense to have another....we would need a new well, everything!! Cot, carseat, clothes....car, house....money could be an issue. But I still want to do it I think, lol! And I don't like being pg, I don't enjoy the newborn stage, I hate the sleeplessness, it's a very real issue that I might get PND (due to having depression now). But I still want to do it (I think!!) How unbelievably silly is it!! I wouldn't do anything else other than have a baby with so many negative factors in the picture, so why would I do this??!! Why would I want to?
Becaue babies are such a blessing that's why! Because I would love to give my DD and DS a little brother or sister. Because my children are so precious, why would I not want more!
How to decide to have another or not....
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