Do you smack??

[~clover~]

My DD1 has had serious behavioral issues for a while now & we are seeing a psycologist to try to sort things out.

The last couple days, I've been so confused & at a loss as to what I should do.

I rarely smack my kids. DH does it more. When they were toddlers I would do it if they were playing with a power point or something else dangerous. But that's about it.

I also swore to myself after seeing some very disrespectful kids that my children would never be like that towards me.

Well, DD1 yells at me, talks back, throws things at me - does not try to hit me though & has raised her hand to me. She is also pretty violent with her sister. Punching, kicking & biting her all the time. I feel like she has no respect at all & it makes me feel like crap.

With disipline I've tried it all. Smacking, time out, ignoring, losing my temper & yelling & screaming, taking things away, trowing things out when they don't get picked up, loving her & praising her as often as possible. I don't know what's left.

The last 2 days I've been thinking about alot of things though.
When talking to my mum last night she was listening to DD1 & said something about how you have to be a parent first & that the child has to have some sort of fear towards you. Even if it is just that they are scared you will yell at them. My DD couldn't really care less how I feel. Yes I know she is 6.

Anyway. I want to point something out.

Over the years parents have stopped smacking. Over the years the world has become a more scary place than ever before. Teens are roaming the streets, having sex & doing drugs alot younger than they used to. Kids have no manners or respect any more. Parents have no control.

I was smacked as a child. So was my brother. When I was a teen I would never have snuck out. Never tried any sort of drug til I was 19 & that was pot. & haven't had it since. The person I lost my virginity to was my now husband at nearly 17. I did have DD1 young, but I was alot more mature at that age than alot of other people are.

Is it because parents have stopped smacking their children & instilling some sort of fear that teens are acting the way they are these days??

My DD2 only has to be told she will get a smack on the bum & she jumps up & does as she's asked.

What are your thoughts? Were you smacked? Do you smack?

[tan32]

yep i was smacked.

and yes i smack my children when it is waranted
I have found though with my DD i get more response when i raise my voice or give her a certain look, so a smack is a very rare thing for her.
With my DS he would just look at me and carry on with what he was doing so time out on his bed serves as better punishment.

i think smacking or not smacking is a personal choice and people on both sides have strong views on this issue.

Good luck , children are certainly a challenge

[Pretty Butterfly]

I have never smacked my children, and they are all great kids. We were smacked very rarely, and all turned out good and close.

Just in my opinion, i believe violence breeds violence. Kids learn to be violent and nasty, they are not born like it. My kids understand what is acceptable behaviour, and the consequences if they misbehave. We have great relationships, and are very close. I just hope we can keep it up in the future. I believe too much freedom and absent parents are to blame for teens these days more than the lack of a smack.

And i would hate to have my kids fear me... i would rather they did the right thing because they know it is right, not because the one person they rely on and should love them unconditionly, scares them....

Not sure where to start with her already being 6 though!! Sorry!! Hopefully your doc does help hon

[kristy J]

i personally think all children need different methods to keep them in line.

yes we smack.

but this is what we do......ie: if DS is playing with something dangerous.

1/ we pull him away and say "don't touch Danger"
if he goes Back
2/ we hold his head make him look at us and say "DANGER DO NOT TOUCH" and then distract him with a toy or something.
if he is being a **** and goes back we than smack on the bum move him away and say again "mummy said dont touch danger"
at this point he will chuck a tantie but i ignore him and he usually comes over within a few moments for a cuddle and i tell him so say sorry, even tho he cant talk yet.

as far as hitting goes if DS hits or bites we warn him that if he does it again he will be shown how much it hurts.
i have bitten him before and he doesn't do it so much now. i now say before he gets his teeth into me "i will bite you back" and he remembers its not nice.

im told i was a very violent child and unfortunatly i think its a matter of trying different things to see what works .

Non of this may help but sharing what we do migh give you some ideas of what you can do.

oh also too the naughty spot works for my nephew. a min for every year of his age, but the time doesn't start till the tantie or tears do. and than he has to say sorry, and mean it.

Good luck and i hope people don't get too pushy on this thread smacking can be a very sensitive topic.

Good luck

[Lulu]

I smack very occasionally.

I don't think the kids roaming the streets wouldn't be there if there parents smacked them when they were young, I think they would be home if their parents actually cared where they were.

[Bathsheba]

I was smacked as a child, and occasionally hit with implements (hair brush etc) and physically pushed around and threatened as a teenager by a stepfather. I can say it harmed me.

DH and I used to smack on a fairly rare occassion... until the day our DD ran out the front and stood on the nature strip and yelled "You're going to smack me!!!!!" over and over again... very embarrassing.... but on reflection i say "good on her"!

So we don't smack anymore. I think it's even more important we don't use physical violence with our boys as they can be more prone to using that as the main strategy with others.

actually... to clarify: I have smacked my toddlers hand away when he has reached for hot coffee or pulled my hair really hard or deliberately broken a few things. So I haven't totally stopped... but I am almost there

[~clover~]

I don't think the fear thing came out right. Not really fear, maybe its more about respect.

I said before that I was smacked. I was slapped up the cheek a few times as I got older as well. We got more than most kids. but neither me or my brother are violent. I've never been in a fight. I don't even think my brother really has either. & he's 22.
DH was flogged & had his fair share of high school fights, but isn't a violent person.


But both our younger sisters are & neither were smacked. Both in constant punch ups at school. SIL used to pinch money, but MIL put a stop to that & her smart mouth. With a good wack to tell the truth. MIL is home full time & always has been. SIL is 15 next week & has not had too much freedom.

My sister has no respect at all. Mum & Dad had people over & my sister sat there & turned the TV up over their conversation. Extremely rude.
When DD2 was a baby I was over there & had just got her to sleep. DSister decided to put some music on - in a very small house - & turned it up right next to the pram. When I asked her to turn it down she told me I don't live there & if I had a prob with it to go home.

Its just that I think about things 50 years ago & now.
I think it also has alot to do with mums being made to go back into the work force. One of my mates has 2 teen boys still at home & she feels that mums should be home more so in the teen years than when they are younger. They are too old for babysitters & after school care in high school.
I know all kids are different, but mine & DH's sisters are 15 & 18. SIL has some respect, but I don't think my sister has any.

[Pretty Butterfly]

Bath, I too have smacked a hand away from something hot or dangerous, but I dont consider that a "punishment' smack!! They dont look at me "that" way or cry, and they know its not because i'm nasty. I think you can let yourself off on those ones babe!!!

I remembered i'd smacked Taylah once, very hard, when she ran onto the road, and a car only missed her by swerving around her. She got two very firm smacks on the bum. She never did it again, but the look on her face was devastating.

[Bathsheba]

Ta Jody but my 2yo did actually cry with a big open mouth and a red face and looked at me so horrified that i had smacked his hand. I felt bad also because now he has started hitting his brother It's definitly something that's passed on... you smack them they smack others.

[Janie]

I was smacked as a child, and I'm not at all violent. But I do agree that it is ideal to have kids doing the right thing because they KNOW it is the right thing, rather than because they're scared of physical punishment.

I don't plan on using smacking routinely, as I think that's useless, possibly damaging, and basically unnecessary. But TBH, I'm sure it will happen at some point if/when DS is doing something dangerous. I am aware that there are other ways to discipline, but I'm not naive enough to think it will never happen.

On the kids roaming the streets, I wholeheartedly agree with Lulu on that one.........smacking is not going to fix that. Parents need to actually care about where their kids are (although I'm aware that there would be some parents who do, and their kids still roam).

BTW, I wouldn't be so sure that people don't smack so much.......I think it's one of those things that's not really talked about, and so has gone underground, so to speak.

[Astrid]

I think what is going on today has very little to do with whether kids were smacked or not. There are some greater societal issues going on there. If only it was all so simple that a smack on the bum would solve everything.

From what I can see some parents don't know what is rude and what is not, so do not teach their children. Smack will not solve what a child does not know. We have friends who's DD is a nightmare and first off we blamed discipline. Further observation showed that her mother is actually a very rude person, often being quite disrespectful in other peoples homes. For example her DD was playing her Nintendo DS in the middle of a party plan showing, it was annoying and made it difficult to hear what was going on. I looked at the mother and first thought that she was being permissive, but the I twigged that she actually did not realise that what her daughter was doing was a problem. If her DD was smacked for it, it would be now use as she would not even know what she was being smacked for.

I was smacked and I have very little respect for my mother. She also smacked my other siblings. Whilst 3 of us "turned out ok" on the surface, there is a lot damage underneath. One just shows his damage on the outside. I feared my mothered and that is not a good thing. Not something I want my DD's to feel about me. I have smacked, but like others it is more when there is a real safety issue going.

My husband was smacked and he thinks smacking is ok, he also thinks that threatening violence when an argument is not going his away is also ok. Whilst on the surface he is an ok member of society, he really does not show much respect for anybody. In his youth he was a heavy drinker and enjoyed a fight.

[blackduckies]

Hi, I can say as a child we were smacked and had the strap etc: I felt then it was tough, but now tend to think it was warranted when it did happen, although in saying that I don't like to smack unless in dangerous circumstances???? I smacked my DS the other day for running out of a shop towards the road, It was'nt hard, but people looked at me!!!!

The reason I don't like to smack is I feel bad.....But I am not sure what the solution is, I agree there are so many more children out there these days that have no boundaries, and I do think it is lack of disipiline and perhaps more freedom. Also I think I have given my oldest DD way to much and she does'nt respect a lot of what she has, you think you are doing them a favour by buying the lastest things, but I think it is a mistake, old fashioned values, working for the things you recieve and daily household chores that they are'nt given pocket money for, becuase after all that is a part of being a memebr of a household. Are definately the way to go!!!!

Sorry not much help but looking a few years ahead to try to stop the next lot of problems. Best of luck, hope you find an answer soon.

[kristy J]

I don't think the fear thing came out right. Not really fear, maybe its more about respect.

Its just that I think about things 50 years ago & now.
I think it also has alot to do with mums being made to go back into the work force. One of my mates has 2 teen boys still at home & she feels that mums should be home more so in the teen years than when they are younger. They are too old for babysitters & after school care in high school.
.

I know what you mean, and i agree with your friend.

i also think these days some parents are trying to be friends with their kids, so their kids treat them with no respect. my mother didn't start to be my friend till i was at least 23y/o and to be honest she is still my mother and tells me if im doing something wrong.

i was also thinking too, i said before i was a very violent child. i actually mean very violent i even stabbed mum with a pencil, they took me to a child phycologist and it turned out i had problems at school ( i was only about 7-8y/o). so your daughter might even be reacting to something unexpected.

also when we were children we were not scared of our parents for smacking us, we were scared of the smack. we were not harmed in any way mentally. their is a difference between smacking out of anger and smacking for punishment.

[~clover~]

i was also thinking too, i said before i was a very violent child. i actually mean very violent i even stabbed mum with a pencil, they took me to a child phycologist and it turned out i had problems at school ( i was only about 7-8y/o). so your daughter might even be reacting to something unexpected.

also when we were children we were not scared of our parents for smacking us, we were scared of the smack. we were not harmed in any way mentally. their is a difference between smacking out of anger and smacking for punishment.

We are having DD assessed for learning developemental delays & alot of other things.

I agree. DH, & my brother & are are not affected at all by the smacks we got. When I was a kid I thought it was unfair, but now I look back & I thank my mum for the way she raised me. I didn't like her much through my teen years, but from when I was about 19 or 20 she's been a friend. We are getting closer every year.

[Nai]

I remembered i'd smacked Taylah once, very hard, when she ran onto the road, and a car only missed her by swerving around her. She got two very firm smacks on the bum. She never did it again, but the look on her face was devastating.

I'm pretty sure it hurt her a lot less than the car would have!! At least she learnt her lesson and never did it again. I remember, I used to give Mum cheek when she was driving so she used to dress me in bare legs and sit me diagonally behind her. That way she could give my bare leg a slap if I started backchatting - it worked a treat

I haven't smacked DD except for the tap on the hand when DD was reaching for the pot on the stove! I don't want to smack her but I do want to discipline her so we have will to try a range of tactics until we find somehting that works I guess.

[Schmickers]

I have smacked once - and I think I did it for the wrong reasons. Other than that, I have never had to smack.

DW has smacked once, when Molly was being very, very difficult and the naughty mat wasn't working.

[AnyDream]

I've only smacked DD a couple of times, always in immediate situations of danger (running on to the road is one that comes to mind).

However DD1 just always laughed at me when I did it! Not a very effective method for me!

We disciplined using time out in the hallway and we also had a fall back position to enforce the time out spot (which involved throwing away a toy). This pretty much always worked when we needed it to!

[krisp]

I was smacked as a child but my DH and I have decided not to smack our children. I do not see how you can teach a child not to do the wrong thing by smacking. For example if your child hits another child (very common) how could you make them understand that it is wrong by smacking them in response?