I wasn't exactly sure where to put this so if there is a more appropriate area, feel free to move it.
I thought it would be nice to have a thread where people who are parents due to an unplanned pregnancy could talk. I think there are some unique feelings and struggles that mean we could benefit from discussion and companionship with those in similar situations.
I'm JB; a 21 year old Mum to almost 6 month old Imogen. When I was 20, I found out I was expecting with my partner who was 24 (now 25). I did visit an abortion clinic during my pregnancy and I feel huge guilt over that. I also research adoption but in the end, I decided to become a parent (my partner wanted this from the start but supported me in whatever I choose). My pregnancy was hard; I felt as though my life was about to be over. I would ask "why me? I used contraception"... but there really is no answer, sometimes things just happen!
I find it quite hard. I think about my old life daily. I love my daughter and I know had we not conceived then, any future child would not have been her so I am thankful for the way things turned out but I grieve what I have lost. I deferred from University, am rarely able to go out on the weekend with my friends and have to think for two people now. I feel like I wasn't 'grown up' enough and still have to constantly fight back my selfish side!!
I also find that this has set a ball into motion. I have always wanted more than one child and for them to be close in age. I now yearn for our own home to raise our family so instead of spending money on the latest gadget or hot outfit, we are saving. I feel like I have missed a few steps and it is difficult to find a place to put them; namely University.
I must admit that I am enjoying my 'new' and different life. I don't know how to explain it because I don't wish things were different. There is just this sense of loss. I guess all new parents feel that in some way but I find it hard to relate to parents who have actively tried to fall pregnant because there is this guilt towards them (which is nothing to do with them and completely to do with my own demons and battles). Guilt over my reservations, fears and actions during pregnancy.
Anyone else out there in this boat? I don't know, just hoping there is someone out there that understands what I mean!
Last edited by Jellyfish; September 10th, 2009 at 12:28 AM.
Hi JB. Mummy to a 7month old DS, Darren (Dj). my Hubby and i wherent really avoiding getting pregnant but we where also 'playing it safe' with timeing ect. (we'd only been engaged about 2months at this point). Dh is ten years older then i so it kind of 'fitted in better' with his plans. my life was changed - 3 months of hideing it from family then being pushed into gettig married early (insted of may '09 it was Nov '08) and admitedly the one part i didnt like about being pregnant around that time was my Hens night - all i wanted to do was go out for dinner and go to a pub or something with 'night life' and let my hair down. but as it was desided for me (by my mother and sister ) it was dinner then back to my place for 'games'
I can totaly understand the feeling of 'missing' your life before, i do that as well, the "what if's" often creep into my mind on bad nights. but like you i cant even begin to wonder about what life would be like with out DJ in my life (or DH's eather). its hard when friends just dont get it isnt it?
I'm like you though. i want more children and DH and i are taking the same apporch to it as with Dj "if it happens, it happens" I'm glad to hear im not the only one who from time to time wants to not have to think for another person (or two if you inc. DH )
Oh do you have to deal with "Ohh you dont need to go out, and go clubbing your a mother now?" or is that just my mother who says that??
Hi there, It was really strange reading your post because I must admit that I felt exactly like that. I was 18 when I fell pregnant and my DP was 16. It was so hard. My ds is now 7 my partner and I are still together and are now almost due to have our 3rd baby. I know it is very hard at the time but you can move on. I still think ( sometimes) that I missed out on things but it has worked out for us.
The problem I had was that becauce I had this stigma attatched to me ( young mum) that I found it really hard to get older ( in my head ) so when I turned 25 it was really hard.
I was no longer looked at as a young mum and that was really weird. People are shocked when they find out how young we are because you do start to hang out with older friends, their kids are in the same age group and you have far more in common with them.
Good luck with raising Imogen it will be a hard but very rewarding road
I wasn't a 'young mum' as I was 24 when I became pregnant with DD1 and 25 when she was born but so many people commented that I was too young to have my first baby! I desperately wanted her but we weren't really trying. I was the first of my friends to have a baby and found it a bit strange that while they were in uni or working on their careers I was on maternity leave. I also found that I didn't have much in commen with them any more.
What DH and I did in the end as I was very unhappy with my work and how my life was turning out was I went back to uni when DD1 was 3 and changed careers. I found it the most rewarding thing I have ever done and uni was so different when I was older and wiser (ha!). I was able to do a lot of the things that I feel that i missed out on, and when I did do them (clubbing, going out all night, etc) I found I actually wanted to be home with DD1 and DH. Now we have just had DD2 and I am so much happier and enjoying the babyhood. I've also made an effort to meet a lot of new friends with children the same age so I have people to hang out with and who understand what I am going through.
I guess what I am trying to say, is even though things might be turning out different to what you expected, you can work within the situation and change it to how you like it.
I understand missing out on your hen's night a little... I had my 21st when I was 7 months pregnant so just out to dinner instead of a more crazy night haha.
I am quite lucky in that my close friends (2 girls and a guy), I still see every few days and are really into it all. There are awkward things; they don't really understand why I won't let her CIO and are constantly asking when she will be weaned to a bottle. I know they are just looking out for my best interests but they don't get that I'm looking out for hers. I also have some wonderful Mummy friends who are fun and really helpful because they get the whole being a parent thing.
I guess I am just working through a lot of emotion from my pregnancy and now the realization that Imogen is the product of that. When I was pregnant, it was so hard to imagine what that really meant. Now that I have her in my life, there is no way I would have been able to even contemplate any other option.
I hope I do get to go to Uni one day. My partner also wants to go (he is a lab technician and would like to study something along the chemistry lines) so I think that will happen first. I think part of it is missing out on doing it with my friends since they are all at Uni currently.
Thanks for all the responses, good to know some similar feelings are/have been around. Will probably have more to write a little bit later but duty calls
Krissy- wow you've done so well! i admire that you've taken it all in your stride - and hope that myself and DH can belike you and your DP - i'd LOVE to have 3 kids by the time im 27!
ryatha - wow you've done so much! i'm glad that you got to go to Uni and do the things in life you'd wanted to. im sure Uni would have been differant looking at it though the eyes of a perant! (as such KWIM?)
JB- your lucky you still have friends from pre-baby. i think most of mine have gone "****" into the dust of the past. mainly becuase they dont seem to understand that its not just about 'me' any more its about 'us' (DJ and I - even though FF, he's not very good - just yet- with staying more then 2hrs with out me) i guess its also that i'm a SAHM as well - people seem to think its 'ok' to bale on me becuase of 'so and so is sick" *cough*bulltwaddle*cough*.
Has any one else had people assume they're old then what they are becuase they have a baby? i'm 20 and had people guess my age at 25...
I'm really loving hearing people's stories! I think I will get to go to Uni and I think I will make the most of it because I will be older, more focussed and really appreciate the opportunity to study! It also gives me a few years to really decide what it is I want to do. So there are definite positives
I do feel very lucky that my close friends have stuck around. Two are sisters, one of those is my best friend and the other is very like me (2yrs younger than us) so we get along and often end up doing things as a group with our other close friend who is male. My bestie and the male are Godmother and Godfather so they are stuck for life now as I tell them haha.
I think people do assume I am older, not only because of my bub but because my partner is 25 and he looks very mature.
i had just started to grow up a bit and get my independence happening. i had broken up with an ex and was moving on, almost finished uni so was looking at travel and that and working around australia.
i moved to perth met a guy 3 weeks later bam pregnant ( we had been talking online for months and he had been over to visit me in NSW.
we broke up, i couldntd eal with his control, and teh unplanned pregnancy i didnt know what to do
like you i looked into abortion and adoption but my parents wouldnt let me give her up if i decided to keep her. which i did
my parents became my supports god love them, and i moved back home.
no work and only me and my motorbike now. lol yeh like that is gonna last.
well at 5 months i stopped riding i gave up what i classed as my freedom, id just got off my p's and was loving no target hanging off the back of me, but i had to start making grown up choices again and decided riding wasnt the best mode of transport at this stage.
well before i gave up riding at about 4 months i meet my now DH and he was great.
im still in shock as to why he fell in love with me and took on such a huge responsibility eh had nothing to do with. taking on a chick who is 14 uears younger and pregnant when he had his own 7 yo son to worry about but hey thats love and how life works isnt it,.
so al took on the role of dad and supportive boyfriend and ill love him forever for how he treated me and supported me through tough times.
we now have our baby girl who is 2 and our precioius planned baby on the way lol
i often think, man i miss y bike, i miss that life of freedom of getting up and thinking bnlue skyes ok lets ride and just going and returning home when its dark and not thinking twice about how long i had been out. i miss my friends from pre baby who just dont get it and we have drifted apart
i miss that i didnt get to fullfill my dream of travellinga nd working and living overseas and helping people as a nurse. but i may get to do that one day.
I am currently 32 weeks pregnant with DS and he was an unplanned pregnancy. I felt pregnant to XP and it was difficult because I felt that I had to have an abortion to satisfy XP as he felt that he was not ready to become a parent and our relationship was not stable. I remember him implying that I had become pregnant on purpose to maintain the relationship. It was not until he broke up with me when I was 10 weeks pregnant that I had the opportunity to talk with a friend of mine and the discussion concluded that I did want to be a parent. I felt that I no longer wanted an empty life but I wanted to keep DS as it is not his fault that he is conceived and I was capable of being a parent at 24 years old. I am happy with my decision and XP is happy that he will become a father despite us being separated. I have to admit that I do stop and think often am I ready to be a parent? Was I being selfish in choosing to keep DS as I wanted more than an empty life despite many achievements cause I wanted a child to love and raise? Am I capable to loving this child the way it deserves to be loved when so often I am pre-occupied with my own life (in terms of the relationship breakdown with XP)? Sometimes I often question if I did the right thing but choosing the keep DS but I am certain that once DS is born that I will experience more of those maternal feelings that I initially experienced prior to life becoming a little more difficult with the relationship breakdown and other stressors related. I am sure that this is normal perhaps to question one's self but DS deserves to be brought into this world and be loved and have the best that I can possibly give him. Aw love my DS and sure I will feel more maternal as time goes on
Hey JB, you already know most of my story, dp and i met at a pub, 7 weeks later, pregnant. i was 21 at the time, and when i found out i was pregnant, i vomited, and said a few obscenities, i don't know why we hadn't expected it though, we were pretty lax in the contraception department. i was pretty excited about my pregnancy in the beginning, i was very sick but i kept thinking that it wouldn't last, but it did and i was in and out of hospital, i couldn't stop vomiting, i fainted all the time and my weight kept dropping. this was not what my romanticised vision of pregnancy entailed. by around 5 months, i was suffering depression and anxiety, my brain kept telling me that i would never feel healthy again, and then it was telling me that because i was such a failure at pregnancy, i would be at motherhood aswell.
from the beginning i had the very strong, base animal love for my baby, i was obsessed with him and thinking that he deserved better than anything i could ever give him. i'm not sure where this came from, i'm educated, loving, fun, moody at times, responsible etc, but i still believed that he deserved the best in the world. i spent thousands of my savings in making sure that he had the best of baby products.
i had a c/s due to him being breech, then turning at the last minute, which i couldn't deal with, as i had psyched myself for the unwanted c/s and just wanted the pregnancy to be over.
when he was born i can't even describe the love that i felt for him, it was so insane, and we became a unit. to be honest though, i always felt that it was him and i, not him, dp and i.
i am still as obsessive about xavi, we have since had matilda, yet another unplanned pg, but the obsessiveness is not as strong. i do miss a lot of my other life, and even wonder if dp and i would even be together if i hadn't fallen pregnant. most of the time i don't think we would be. i think it's pretty natural to question what if, but i look at my kids and know that i just have to do things a different way. i don't go out much without the kids, as i do suffer a bit of seperation anxiety, but it's getting better; i also suffer a lack of self esteem as my body is revolting post-baby, i used to be skinny, and quite attractive, now all i see is the bloated face, the extra 22 kgs, and want to cry - sometimes this is when i feel resentment for how my life turned out.
anyway, i have completely taken over, i got on a tangent. but yes, i think it's normal to miss your old life, as long as the 'what if's' don't take over. xoxoox
Parenting After an Unplanned Pregnancy
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) it was dinner then back to my place for 'games'
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