Motherless Mothers

[Miss E]

ETA: have any of you read the books "Motherless Daughters" and "Mothers Mothers" by Hope Edelman? - they are Fantastic books and really helped me cope as there was so much i could relate to in them. Highly recommend them.

I actually haven't read them but have had a friend recommend them. She's actually trying to produce her own book about motherless and is compiling different peoples stories together to help others go through the journey. I haven't contributed personally, (which I feel bad about) it just doesn't feel right for me. But she also has a facebook group where people share stuff too, so if you're interested pm me.

[buffy1]

What a beautiful thread. Thank you so much ladies for sharing your stories, I know how hard it is and it never gets any easier. Much love and hugs to you all.

My mum passed suddenly in a car accident 12 years ago.
I was 18.

It's still raw for me. I don't think I will ever get over the shock or the grief. Over time I have learned to carry the burden. Some days are easier than others but my heart is broken. I find when life is stressful or major events are happening I feel the loss more acutely.

I've missed that guiding influence in my life a lot. The one you can turn to no matter what. It's left a gaping hole. I think about mortality a lot. Fragility of life and how someone can literally be eating dinner with you and dead not half an hour later.

Oh honey - I'm so sorry for your loss. I could have written this word for word, am right there with you. My mum also died in a car accident when I was 21, so 11 years for me. We were best mates as she raised me as a single parent. When she died I was working in another city and remember every detail of how and when I was told, and the days following. In acute detail - like, seeing her dressing gown still next to the bath from when she took it off that morning. Dishes in the sink. It was so surreal, I think I was numb for at least six months afterwards and to be honest I don't think I've ever grieved properly. Nor my darling brother, who was 16. I wish we'd seen a counsellor while it was still raw to help us deal with it. I still find myself crying over something small or strange for no reason, then realise it has some obscure link to my mum.

Milestones have been hard, like my wedding, brother's graduation, all the family holidays etc. But the things I miss the most are the little ones - telling her about my day, that reassurance when you're a bit worried or just a "mum hug" (nothing beats them, so now I get them from other people's mums!). Now that I'm pregnant I feel so sad that she'll never get to meet her grandchild, she would have been absolutely beside herself with love and pride - and the best grandmother.

What I find reassuring (and a bit scary sometimes!) is how much of her I see her in myself. I never used to. We look more and more alike, I say the funny sayings she said, I share her views on family and parenting. I thought it would make me sadder, but it's a real comfort.

What about you, do you think you're like your mama?

For you ladies that lost your Mum awhile ago how long did it take for you to think of them & not burst into tears or feel like your heart would explode with pain?

I know my Mum's passing is still very early & it's normal to feel like this and it probably doesn't help having these pregnancy hormones running through me but every time i think of My Mum i cry or i get this heavy feeling in my heart.
As horrible as it sounds i try not to think of her as it hurts too much & i can't deal with it.

Did/Do you ladies do anything special for Mothers Day, Birthdays etc...
One of my friends suggested baking cupcake & putting bright coloured icing on them for her Birthday this year.(My mum loved anything bright)
For Mothers Day we put some roses in the ocean for her as we scatted her ashes in the ocean & roses were her fav flower.
For Christmas we had a lavender candle for her as lavender was her favorite scent.
For Easter we put flowers in the ocean for her as well.
I don't know what to do for her 1yr passing.....

It must be so raw for you Cheshire, I understand that broken-hearted feeling. I agree that not thinking about it is a coping mechanism when it is still so soon after your mum's passing. Do what it takes to get you through this, for your sanity's sake (and bub's sake) but definitely give yourself permission to grieve, cry, scream/hurl abuse at the world and get lots and lots of support from the people around you. I know you probably feel like you have to be strong but you can be vulnerable too (it can be cathartic). If you find you need more, I really would suggest seeing a counsellor. I wish I'd seen one.

RE: Mother's Day and Birthdays, I think the way you've celebrated them is beautiful. I didn't mark my mum's passing as I found it too painful, but that's just a personal thing. What about going out for a meal at her favourite restaurant, or having dinner with family members/friends and talk about all the things that you loved about her/made you laugh/even things that were really annoying?? You could also have "mum trivia" or go through family albums and share stories about what was happening when the photo was taken...? These might be a bit too much, too soon so if you're not ready yet maybe they'll be nice down the track.

Is the anniversary coming up soon? Be kind to yourself - I'll be thinking of you.

[Khaleesi]

Thanks Ladies, She passed on Nov 7th Buffy, so it's getting closer & Bambi will be roughly a month old so i'll be all hormonal. I'm actually dreading it

Day 1
When Mum was first admitted & they couldn't find a reason i honestly thought she'd walk out of there. We had been in this situation before & she always pulled through.
She suffered a major heart attack when i was 15 & the Drs told us she wouldn't survive so many times, but she walked out of that hospital 5 months later.
She had similar strokes over the years & always pulled through.
At one stage she looked like she was picking up she responded to the pain test but unfortunately she never got any further than that.

Day 2
She would only slightly respond by opening her eyes when they'd call out her name, she longer responded to the pain tests etc...
Having the Palliative Care Nurse come down & talk to me was hard. She told me how they would make her comfortable, how they'd stop all the drips & only moisten her lips/mouth.
I pointed out that it was cruel & of course she would die if they stop hydrating her, she told me it once their body starts to shut down they don't need extra fluid.
In the end it's just prolongs their pain & the inevitable.

Day 3
We asked the Drs to give her till tomorrow, to make sure she wouldn't show some improvement.

Day 4
All hydration was stopped, the Drs were sure she would not recover from this.

Day 5
We were going to take the girls in to say good bye, but for some reason i decided not to & to leave them with DF's Aunty.
We got there at 9:25am i spoke to nurse, she said Mum was stable & there had been no change.
DF & I sat on either side of her, we told her about the girls & just chatted like we always did.
10:40ish we noticed she was acting different, her arm wouldn't stop shaking. We called the nurse & asked for her to have morphine, Normally that would calm her down but this time it didn't.
Dr came in about 11ish he was talking to us, she had her 1st seizure he said he would start a constant morphine drip for her & we should call the rest of the family as she wouldn't survive the day. He walked out the room to write up her order.
Not even 5 minutes after he left she had her 2nd seizure & stopped breathing. I'll never forget that moment, when her body went limp & Phil getting the nurse.
The Nurse doing the knuckles on her chest to see if her heart would start beating again & how my heart broke when she told me she was gone.
I walked out of the room & sat on the floor crying, i couldn't go back in but i made Phil sit with her as i didn't want her to alone.

I'll write more later.

Writing it down help with the pain, knowing you ladies know how i feel makes it easier to tell you.

[Tuesday's Child]

Cheshire, I don't have any words only a great big I'm glad writing it down helps some.

[meow]

Oh Cheshire It's devastating isn't it? My H and I went through something similar when his Dad passed away (none of the rest of his family came to the hospital). Sitting and watching someone die is so sad and I still tear up thinking about his Dad dying. I am so glad we got to be there for him.

When I think of my Mum dying alone in an emotional state that meant she needed a hug more than any other time in her life it breaks my heart apart

We had a couple of days of uncertainty while my Mum was missing and I still remember it all too. I remember the moment I found out. Watching my 9 year old sister start biting her nails and then ask what was going to happen to her (my mum was a single parent). It tears me apart. I think the only way I live with it all so easily now is that I don't really go there anymore. I don't think about those moments as much. I'm also conscious of trying to remember my mum living. It seems we become consumed with the death, and I hate that I now mostly define my mum's life by her death IYKWIM.

I sobbed, big time sobbed, for about 3-4 months. Then I cried often for about 1-2 years. Then I got upset easily for another 1-2 years after that. So I think by about 4-5 years later I was living with it better and able to not cry if I thought about my mum.

[Khaleesi]

I know what you mean Meow, If my Mum had died alone it would of literally tore my heart into a million pieces & i will be forever grateful that she waited for me.

for you

Thanks TC, i'm glad you started this thread.
I don't talk to my friends about it because they don't get it. They try to understand but that can't understand the devastation you feel when you lose a parent especially one your so close too.
DF tries to understand but again he has his both his parents & he doesn't understand the emptiness i feel.
It's really nice having people who understand how you feel so thank-you again

[Neoma]

My mum passed away 22 years ago when I was 9 from leaukemia. My teen years were particulary hard with dad starting to date and I have always felt a piece of me missing. Things have got better over the years, but at the moment I am struggling with the fact that I am almost the age the mum was when she passed. I am about to out age my mum in my early 30s! It is bringing up so many emotions at the moment and I feel I have no one that can relate too it. Any way, my love to you all. The pain will always be there, but it does get easier.

[meow]

I've actually found this thread quite triggering. I think I got off track perhaps with sharing the details of my mum's death- yet again the death becmes the defining moment that I'm drawn to discussing. I guess I have issues because my mum suicided and I know some people believe she mustn't have loved my sisters and I to do that, so I always try to defend our relationship and her pain.

With regards to how being a motherless mother affects my parenting I think the biggest thing is that it strengthens my resolve to attachment parenting. My mum died around the time of Madonna's Ray of Light album so those songs became part of my memory of her and the one I think of often when parenting is "nothing really matters, love is all we need". It reminds me to just love and cherish my relationship with my children and not sweat the small stuff.

[indie24]

I will be back to read this thread properly when its not so tough on me. My mum passed away 2 years ago, tomorrow. Having a tough time dealing with it and will be in a better frame of mind once the anniversary has passed. to everyone in this thread

[meow]

All the best tomorrow indie. It's a hard day

I'm so sorry you lost your mum so young Neoma. I often ponder reaching my mum's age, and surpassing it too.

[Khaleesi]

for tomorrow Indie

Neoma

[Tuesday's Child]

Thinking of you today Indie

Neoma

meow, I don't think there is any getting off track in this thread. My aim in starting this thread was to find/provide a place of support for others who are without their mums. If it helps you to discuss your mum's death, then by all means feel you can do so here.

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

thinking of you today Indie

Sent using my SamGal

[Miss E]

thinking of you Indie

[Neoma]

All my love to you today Indie

[ll80]

What a beautiful thread. Thank you so much ladies for sharing your stories, I know how hard it is and it never gets any easier. Much love and hugs to you all.



Oh honey - I'm so sorry for your loss. I could have written this word for word, am right there with you. My mum also died in a car accident when I was 21, so 11 years for me. We were best mates as she raised me as a single parent. When she died I was working in another city and remember every detail of how and when I was told, and the days following. In acute detail - like, seeing her dressing gown still next to the bath from when she took it off that morning. Dishes in the sink. It was so surreal, I think I was numb for at least six months afterwards and to be honest I don't think I've ever grieved properly. Nor my darling brother, who was 16. I wish we'd seen a counsellor while it was still raw to help us deal with it. I still find myself crying over something small or strange for no reason, then realise it has some obscure link to my mum.

Milestones have been hard, like my wedding, brother's graduation, all the family holidays etc. But the things I miss the most are the little ones - telling her about my day, that reassurance when you're a bit worried or just a "mum hug" (nothing beats them, so now I get them from other people's mums!). Now that I'm pregnant I feel so sad that she'll never get to meet her grandchild, she would have been absolutely beside herself with love and pride - and the best grandmother.

What I find reassuring (and a bit scary sometimes!) is how much of her I see her in myself. I never used to. We look more and more alike, I say the funny sayings she said, I share her views on family and parenting. I thought it would make me sadder, but it's a real comfort.

What about you, do you think you're like your mama?

I look a lot like her. When extended family see me it's always the first thing they say. I like it and hate it at the same time. It's a comfort and a reminder. As with so many things. I do try to focus on the comfort.

I often hear myself say things she used to say. Our handwriting is a lot a like. Little things like that.



I am thinking of you today Indie. Be gentle with yourself.

[Tuesday's Child]

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the night I found out I'd miscarried. Once we got home from the hospital, DH had to go to work, so he called my mum to find out if I could stay with her until he finished. As soon as I walked in her front door she gave me a great big hug, took me by the hand to lead me to the couch, insisted I lay down and covered me with a blanket. We spent ages chatting about the baby that wasn't to be as well as all sorts of things. It turns out she had cancelled a date (her first real date since Dad died) when she found out I was coming over.

I miss her.....

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the night I found out I'd miscarried. Once we got home from the hospital, DH had to go to work, so he called my mum to find out if I could stay with her until he finished. As soon as I walked in her front door she gave me a great big hug, took me by the hand to lead me to the couch, insisted I lay down and covered me with a blanket. We spent ages chatting about the baby that wasn't to be as well as all sorts of things. It turns out she had cancelled a date (her first real date since Dad died) when she found out I was coming over.

I miss her.....

big hun.....that made me - over emotional mumma here