Motherless Mothers

[Tuesday's Child]

Sadly, I know there are a few of us around BB, so thought I'd start a thread hoping to share with other mums who have lost their own.

When DD was 3 weeks old my mum was diagnosed with bowel cancer. Six months later she was gone. My dad died when I was 13 so it's just my brother and I.

Now that I'm pregnant again I'm really struggling not having my mum around. I miss our Friday night dinners. I miss being able to call her when having a bad day. I wish I could call her to come over when I need help or just go for a walk with me so I can get out of the house. I hate going out shopping and seeing expecting mums and mums with toddlers shopping with their own mums. I'm sad and angry that DD doesn't recognise her face. I'm sad and angry that this baby will never know her at all.

I know it took years for me to cope with the void left by Dad. His absence was felt most keenly at my wedding and graduation ceremonies, and also when DD was born. I ache that DH never got to meet him. But the void left by Mum.....I don't see how I can ever cope with that. DD amazes me almost every day. There is no time to pass between significant events to allow any healing.

[forshelby]

Life can be so cruel. I'm in a similar boat, sadly. As is my DP. It's sad to think that our DS has no grandparents at all. He's very much alone in life, DP and I are all he has, really. I wish things were different for us all.

[Khaleesi]

My Mum passed away Nov last year. She was admitted to hospital because of a stroke, 5 days later she had a seizure & passed away.
We knew she would pass away as she couldn't eat, drink & just slept all the time, she was stable when we i got there at 9:30am but by 11:17am she suddenly passed away.
I'm extremely grateful she waited till i got there, even tho my last image of her isn't a happy or peaceful one i don't know how i would of coped if she had died alone.

I haven't been close to my dad for 10 years & only recently starting talking to him again.
I'm no longer close to my sisters or Mums family.

This pregnancy has been hard on me, Bambi is due a few weeks after Mums birthday.
It's hurts so much to know my 3 girls will never really know my Mum & they only know of her as a star in the sky or the roses in our garden.
Most of it all breaks my heart to know i'll never be able to hug my Mum again, i'll never be able to tell her i love her, i'll never see her face light up again when i bring her her favorite chocolates.

My Mum was my everything, she raised me as a single parent when my Dad found other families, she always made surei never went without.
We didn't always get along but she meant so much to me.

[meow]

My mum died 11 years ago now. 11 years! I can't believe it's been that long since I saw her or talked to her. I was very raw and grieved hard for the first few years then the pain slowly dimmed. I'm really glad my H got to meet my mum- it helps feel like her memory in our family is real, and isn't just mine or my imagination. I have wonderful sisters who are my world and I can talk to them about any memory if I want and that helps. My older sister has been my pregnancy & parenting confidant.

When I had a HB last year I thought of my mum lots as she HBed my little sister and I always planned to do the same. I felt drawn to my MW largely because she reminded me of my mum so it was comforting to have her there.

I often wonder what type of grandmother my mum would have been. She always made christmas, easter and birthdays SO exciting for us- I want to pass that on to my children.

We had a lot of issues and mostly fought before my mum died. I wish she could have told me she was struggling so much. My mum suicided.

[Miss E]

Thanks for starting this thread Tuesday's Child, I think it's a really good idea!

Well, I lost my mum almost 8 years ago to pancreatic cancer. Within a week of being diagnosed we began the in and out of hospital roundabout and 12 weeks later she passed away. I was 23 at the time and it all came as such a shock. Those 12 weeks were such a whirlwind and I must admit are now just a blur to me. It makes me sad (that word doesn't really cut it does it) that because of the shock of it all, my imaturity, the family dramas that went down at the time and the sheer lack of time, that I didn't really get to say all the things that I wish I now had.

During my teenage years we'd had a strained relationship and only started to get past it a year or two before she died. I imagine that had things been different we would've been the best of friends now. It breaks my heart that she will never get to meet DS in person or play with him and be a part of his life. I often wonder how I will inevitably broach that question about 'who is mummy's mummy?'...

I must admit though, as the years have gone by the sting has gone out of the wound, these days it is more scar tissue, well until something happens to rip the wound open again... I often envy my friends relationships with their mothers and find it upsetting when they complain about them. But on a day to day basis I guess I don't miss her as much these days iykwim? My life was so different back then, I had just moved in with my now DH (thankfully she did meet him and got to know and love him in her last few months). I guess I don't know what life would be like with her in it now if that makes sense... But there are times when I ache for her terribly. A few years ago when I had an abnormal pap smear, all I wanted was my mum. Or during my pregnancy and those early days with DS I missed her terribly.

I think perhaps they biggest impact it has had on my life though is my awareness of the fragility of life. In some ways this has been a positive. Since she passed away I have made a point of living life to the full, always making sure those I love know that I love them. But on the flip side I think I am overtly aware of my own mortality. I remember reading somewhere that that is very common for motherless mothers. We often spend nights lying awake worrying that we may not get to see our children grow up. And I often do. I try not to, but I can't help it.

Well, that's my story. Thanks for sharing yours ladies. And once again, thanks TC for starting this thread. I think it will be wonderful to have a place to come to get an understanding ear and a shoulder to cry on on those difficult days.

[Khaleesi]

For you ladies that lost your Mum awhile ago how long did it take for you to think of them & not burst into tears or feel like your heart would explode with pain?

I know my Mum's passing is still very early & it's normal to feel like this and it probably doesn't help having these pregnancy hormones running through me but every time i think of My Mum i cry or i get this heavy feeling in my heart.
As horrible as it sounds i try not to think of her as it hurts too much & i can't deal with it.

Did/Do you ladies do anything special for Mothers Day, Birthdays etc...
One of my friends suggested baking cupcake & putting bright coloured icing on them for her Birthday this year.(My mum loved anything bright)
For Mothers Day we put some roses in the ocean for her as we scatted her ashes in the ocean & roses were her fav flower.
For Christmas we had a lavender candle for her as lavender was her favorite scent.
For Easter we put flowers in the ocean for her as well.
I don't know what to do for her 1yr passing.....

[Miss E]

For you ladies that lost your Mum awhile ago how long did it take for you to think of them & not burst into tears or feel like your heart would explode with pain?

I know my Mum's passing is still very early & it's normal to feel like this and it probably doesn't help having these pregnancy hormones running through me but every time i think of My Mum i cry or i get this heavy feeling in my heart.
As horrible as it sounds i try not to think of her as it hurts too much & i can't deal with it.

Did/Do you ladies do anything special for Mothers Day, Birthdays etc...
One of my friends suggested baking cupcake & putting bright coloured icing on them for her Birthday this year.(My mum loved anything bright)
For Mothers Day we put some roses in the ocean for her as we scatted her ashes in the ocean & roses were her fav flower.
For Christmas we had a lavender candle for her as lavender was her favorite scent.
For Easter we put flowers in the ocean for her as well.
I don't know what to do for her 1yr passing.....

Oh Cheshire, my heart breaks for you hun... Those first couple of years are really hard. I think you just have to do whatever you can to get through it. I was a bit like you in that I tended to try and avoid talking about it and thinking about it. My way of coping was just getting on with my life and living it as fully as I could. In the year after she died DH and I got engaged, did a round the world trip, bought a convertable – basically just lived our lives as fully as we could and stopped putting things off till later. That's what mum always did and there were so many things she wanted to do that she didn't get the opportunity to do.

For me I found my grief to be a very personal thing, so didn't really talk about it much with anyone. On her birthday, mothers day, anniversary etc I would go to the cemetery and tell her about all the things that were happening in my life. I think you just have to do what feels right, if that means baking cup cakes then bake away. If it means time alone to feel miserable then do that... Just do whatever you need to do to get through that minute, that hour, that day, that week etc.

Being pregnant must make it so much harder. I can only imagine. But I'm sure that there will be a part of your mum in your LO. My sister was pregnant when my mum died and even now sometimes when I look into her eyes I momentarily feel like I'm looking into my mums eyes.

I know it's impossible to imagine, but time does make it less raw. Hang in there honey, your mum is there with you whether you can feel it or not (or want to for that matter).

[Aussiegirl777]

I lost my Mum two years ago this November. Although I didn't have a close relationship with my Mum and she lived in a different state there are days when I really wish that I could pick up and phone and call her and tell her what new things her Grandson is doing.

My Mum was an alcoholic so knowing that when she passed she was in a better place makes it much easier for me. I firmly believe that she had a hand in my DS being carried safely through my pregnancy and also in his birth. I KNOW she is with us every day and that she isn't missing anything that my DS is doing. She sees everything. I'm sure she's happy and proud of both of us.

[ll80]

For you ladies that lost your Mum awhile ago how long did it take for you to think of them & not burst into tears or feel like your heart would explode with pain?

I know my Mum's passing is still very early & it's normal to feel like this and it probably doesn't help having these pregnancy hormones running through me but every time i think of My Mum i cry or i get this heavy feeling in my heart.
As horrible as it sounds i try not to think of her as it hurts too much & i can't deal with it.

Did/Do you ladies do anything special for Mothers Day, Birthdays etc...
One of my friends suggested baking cupcake & putting bright coloured icing on them for her Birthday this year.(My mum loved anything bright)
For Mothers Day we put some roses in the ocean for her as we scatted her ashes in the ocean & roses were her fav flower.
For Christmas we had a lavender candle for her as lavender was her favorite scent.
For Easter we put flowers in the ocean for her as well.
I don't know what to do for her 1yr passing.....

My mum passed suddenly in a car accident 12 years ago.
I was 18.

It's still raw for me. I don't think I will ever get over the shock or the grief. Over time I have learned to carry the burden. Some days are easier than others but my heart is broken. I find when life is stressful or major events are happening I feel the loss more acutely.

I think about and miss her just as much now as I did after it first happened.

Birthdays, Christmas' are hard for me. I struggle with depression and these are often my lowest times. I dread their coming, especially when it feels like everyone else has forgotten.

I understand exactly what you say about immaturity at the time Miss E. I wish I had more time. I would do so many things differently if I knew then what I know now.

I've missed that guiding influence in my life a lot. The one you can turn to no matter what. It's left a gaping hole. I think about mortality a lot. Fragility of life and how someone can literally be eating dinner with you and dead not half an hour later.

[Malyna]

For you ladies that lost your Mum awhile ago how long did it take for you to think of them & not burst into tears or feel like your heart would explode with pain?

I know my Mum's passing is still very early & it's normal to feel like this and it probably doesn't help having these pregnancy hormones running through me but every time i think of My Mum i cry or i get this heavy feeling in my heart.
As horrible as it sounds i try not to think of her as it hurts too much & i can't deal with it.

Did/Do you ladies do anything special for Mothers Day, Birthdays etc...
One of my friends suggested baking cupcake & putting bright coloured icing on them for her Birthday this year.(My mum loved anything bright)
For Mothers Day we put some roses in the ocean for her as we scatted her ashes in the ocean & roses were her fav flower.
For Christmas we had a lavender candle for her as lavender was her favorite scent.
For Easter we put flowers in the ocean for her as well.
I don't know what to do for her 1yr passing.....

My mother died in 1998, my father in 2002. I always celebrate their birthdays, with their favourite foods. My mother was my world, I was going through a really bad patch in life when she died and I felt like everything had been taken away from me. I still miss her all these years later, but it took about 5 years for me to stop thinking "Oh I'll just ring mum and find out how to do this."

I used to get depressed but then I just decided to celebrate their birthdays instead. Christmas is hard for me because mum died on Jan 4 and my father died on 27 Jan, so I really hate January, but it's getting easier. I think my spiritual beliefs have helped me a lot.

I have a photo of my mother (still have to find one of my dad) up on the wall and I tell DS "That's your nanna". They maybe gone but they aren't forgotten.

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

to all you lovely ladies who have lost your Mums

My mum passed away 22years ago a month before i turned 12yrs old ......being as young as i was, it didn't really hit me until my late teens and even now at 34ys old i have days when the grief overwhelms me, especially when i look at my two DD's - it just breaks my heart that my Mum never got to meet them. My Dad passed away 2 weeks and 2 days before i gave birth to DD1, so neither of my girls got to meet my parents which also makes me so sad - i guess at least they have DH's parents, so they do at least have one set of Grandparents...

For you ladies that lost your Mum awhile ago how long did it take for you to think of them & not burst into tears or feel like your heart would explode with pain.

Oh hun - there are still days where the grief takes my breath away, but i would say (for myself) it took a good 5+yrs, but that was because i only really developed the proper coping skills in my late teens/early twenties.

It does eventually get easier though. The pain, for me, has never really gone away but i have just learnt to cope better with it. Massive to you

[Khaleesi]

I was 25 when she passed, but i was 15 when we almost lost her for the 1st time.
She had a major heart attack & it took 5 months of hospital time & OT for her to recover & at the end of it all my Aunties moved her to QLD to be with them & left me in Vic. So i did all the immature things then.
She moved back to Vic when i was 17 & fell sick when i was 18 by then i was in a better frame of mind to help look after her & thats what i did for the next 7 years.

Special occasion are hard for me, her family never cared when she was alive & they certainly don't give a s**t now she's dead.
I feel like if i don't remember her on those special days then no one else will.

I have a lot of built up anger & hatred for my family, i really hate how they treated her in life & even in death.

:group-hug:

[Khaleesi]

Double post

[ladybird11]

My mum passed away last April and every now and then it kinda hits me, and I just can't believe she's not physically here. It shocks me.

I can still picture her, in her everyday sweat clothes, doing the housework, putting everyone in front of herself...

It bites!

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

I know this is about mums and I keep bringing up my dad. That's another thing that sucks about grief. New grief just brings up old grief. There's coping and managing and moving on, but there's no getting over it.

I know exactly where you are coming from

I think perhaps they biggest impact it has had on my life though is my awareness of the fragility of life. In some ways this has been a positive. Since she passed away I have made a point of living life to the full, always making sure those I love know that I love them. But on the flip side I think I am overtly aware of my own mortality. I remember reading somewhere that that is very common for motherless mothers. We often spend nights lying awake worrying that we may not get to see our children grow up. And I often do. I try not to, but I can't help it.

You hit the nail on the head Miss E.....i question my mortality everyday, even moreso now i have my two DD's - i keep wondering what will happen to them if something happens to me...i hated not having my mum around when i was growing up and it eats away at me that it could be the same thing that happens to my DD's - it is truly my biggest biggest fear and even more magnified now that i am getting close to the age when my mum was diagnosed with cancer (she was 36) and also her ultimate passing (just before her 38th bday)...argghh i get teary just thinking about it

ETA: have any of you read the books "Motherless Daughters" and "Mothers Mothers" by Hope Edelman? - they are Fantastic books and really helped me cope as there was so much i could relate to in them. Highly recommend them.

[Tuesday's Child]

Thanks to everyone for sharing your stories. I've been feeling better since first posting and it really does help to know that my feelings are understood.



Negrita - I've have come across those books before but haven't actually read them. Will have to add them to my 'to-read' pile.

[Tuesday's Child]

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the night I found out I'd miscarried. Once we got home from the hospital, DH had to go to work, so he called my mum to find out if I could stay with her until he finished. As soon as I walked in her front door she gave me a great big hug, took me by the hand to lead me to the couch, insisted I lay down and covered me with a blanket. We spent ages chatting about the baby that wasn't to be as well as all sorts of things. It turns out she had cancelled a date (her first real date since Dad died) when she found out I was coming over.

I miss her.....

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the night I found out I'd miscarried. Once we got home from the hospital, DH had to go to work, so he called my mum to find out if I could stay with her until he finished. As soon as I walked in her front door she gave me a great big hug, took me by the hand to lead me to the couch, insisted I lay down and covered me with a blanket. We spent ages chatting about the baby that wasn't to be as well as all sorts of things. It turns out she had cancelled a date (her first real date since Dad died) when she found out I was coming over.

I miss her.....

big hun.....that made me - over emotional mumma here