Motherless Mothers

[Beautiful Disaster]

You know where I'm at G and its not getting any better

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

You know where I'm at G and its not getting any better

sure do hun, thank you

[dinky]

I lost my Mum when I was 28, she was 64 years old. She had been sick for a very long time and knew that it was coming and unfortunately she basically told me that she wouldn't be coming home from hospital this time but I didn't take it the way that it was meant. Thankfully I had 2 DD's then, and I went through an insurmountable time of grieving, but had to keep going for my girls. They were the only thing that kept me going, that and the promise I made my Mum to look after my Dad, so I just kept going. There were days that I couldn't stop crying, missed her more than ever. The first of everything just about killed me! But I somehow made it through it all.
My Mum was my very best friend, there wasn't a day that I didn't speak to her, see her, and we were so close, so I lost my mum and me best friend at the same time.

A year later my Dad wasn't coping at all and asked for my family to move in with him. I did this as part of my promise to my Mum. It was hard, he had some health issues, and was later diagnosed with a reoccurrence of cancer, something that I dreaded. Dad and I were never close as I grew up but he became my best friend and he was the most fantastic grandfather to my girls. They adored him. He was with me when I went through my miscarriages, cried with me, and was overjoyed for me when I finally got my last little girl. He doted on her. He knew by then that his time was limited. It made me so sad every time I saw him with Hayley to know that she would never know this man who adored her so much. 3 weeks before Hayley's 1st birthday, Dad told me that it was time for him to go to hospital, something we had discussed earlier. I knew that this would mean that he wasn't coming home, but didn't want to believe it.
Dad being his usual stoic self, demanded that I come home at 10pm that night to make sure that the kids were okay. I wanted to stay with him but he wouldn't let me and he just wanted my sister to go away. He rang me at 5am the next morning, and told me that they were moving him and he was okay, I knew he wasn't, I wanted to go in, but he was adamant that I take the girls to netball and that I could come in after that, he asked what time they finished and what time I would leave home. I told him I would leave about midday. He told me that he loved me, something that he never did.
I got home from netball and my DH had to tell me that the hospital had called and my Dad had passed away at 11.50am, as usual, he did things his own way and this is the way he wanted it, no fuss! I was beyond devastated. My girls were hysterical and there just seemed so much to do and I just didn't want to do any of it.
I went up to the hospital and spoke with the Dr, who explained everything and allowed me to see my Dad for the final time. I remember walking out of the hospital with his belongings feeling empty and to be honest I don't think that emptiness has ever gone away.
My Dad is with us every day, we still live in his house, we still have his granny flat in the backyard, he is still talked about all the time. We miss him every day, just as I miss my Mum, they are both with us though, their ashes are in our garden with their special roses, which attack me all the time.

The pain and emptiness never goes away, but unfortunately life still keeps going on, and so do I.

[meow]

i know we're all at different stages but just checking in to see how everyone is going?

my anxiety is through the roof atm I'm at the age (36) that my mum was diagnosed with throat and stomach cancer and September 29 marks the day it was officially diagnosed.

That's a hard time I'm sure

My mum died a few months before her 50th birthday. That is going to be one hell of a milestone birthday for me. I was talking to someone the other day who was organising her 50th and it just straight away makes me remember.

I'm doing well. Had a hard couple of days a few weeks back. They're rare now (maybe once a year). And never really related to an 'event' because I guess I prepare and think about those. The really hard times just sort of hit me and I have to play a few certain songs over and over and cry and think of our loss.

Thanks for sharing Dinky. I'm so glad you were able to spend so much loving time with your parents

[Beautiful Disaster]

That's a hard time I'm sure

My mum died a few months before her 50th birthday. That is going to be one hell of a milestone birthday for me. I was talking to someone the other day who was organising her 50th and it just straight away makes me remember.

Mine too meow. That's the hardest part for me I think. The knowing she was so young and knowing that she just gave up and didn't wanna fight. It makes me mad at times to think she didn't care enough about me and my sister and our families but then I know the pain not only health wise but emotionally and financially and know she is in better place. Being preg and not having her around is a bloody lot harder than I could have expected. I just want to tell her the news and she isn't here

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

it sucks that we are all in here, and whilst i know everyone will *eventually* go through it, it's just unfair that ours were taken so young . my mum passed just before her

dinky, thank you for sharing i too lost my dad. he passed two weeks before i gave birth to my DD1 so neither of my parents got to meet their granddaughters, which breaks my heart

BD, big i know the anger you're referring to. i just try to take comfort that neither of my parents are in any pain anymore. some days it works, unfortunately, others days the anger gets the better of me :/

[meow]

Oh BD Did your mum suicide too? I found the anger was utterly unbearable for a long time. I felt like I was developing a stomach ulcer the first couple of years. It was awful. But it's been 13 years since my mum died now and I'm not angry at all. I accept her path. I wouldn't have chosen it for her and I wish it couldn have been different but it was hers and I accept that.

[Beautiful Disaster]

No meow she had liver cancer (well of the bial duct) and was only 4 months from diagnosis to her passing.

Really hard on my 6 year old nephew. My son and other nephew were to little when she died which is sad cause they won't remember her and my bellybabe won't get to meet her at all. My nan (mums mum) died 5 weeks later

[meow]

I don't think that would have been her choice hon

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

oh meow, that would've been so traumatic for you

BD so much is taken out of their control liver cancer is one of the hardest cancers to beat, especially when resection is not an option as you know, my dad was diagnosed end of august 2008 and passed 5 Jan 2009, so a very short time

[LimeSlice]

The anger will ease.
I found it has lessened considerably over the last 12 months.
It did require a dedicated effort on my part to let go of it, and to let go of the idea that her choices should have been about anyone but herself. It had nothing to do with me, my brother or sister, or my children. It was about her, and there are somethings mother's cannot do - and we shouldn't expect them to do - for their children. Trust always that she did what was best. Takes some doing though.

Things here are ok at the moment. I have had some self-focused issues to deal with the last few months, so I have found that I have less time to stew, that the faint smell of nostalgia and sentimentality have replaced the harsh stab of trauma and pain. I can talk about her without crying. Most of the time. But there are times, usually when the girls do something great or new, that the pang of her absence really returns.
The last 12 months have really shown me the purpose in her death though, which for me, has been quite a revelation. I see so many accomplishments of my family that we wouldn't have had if not for her death. It was like a catalyst for us in so many ways, and I can see her fingerprints in the current paths of our lives - so clearly. She is here, she guides us everyday and I know how proud she would be - how proud she is - of her children. It gives me strength and faith in my universe. That everything has been exactly as it was supposed to be.

[meow]

That everything has been exactly as it was supposed to be.

This is how I feel.

It was traumatic GW. It still is in many ways. Accepting that it was my mother's journey has helped. I've discovered there is a lot of stigma towards suicide, especially mother suicide, but I know our story so that is what matters.

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

This is how I feel.

It was traumatic GW. It still is in many ways. Accepting that it was my mother's journey has helped. I've discovered there is a lot of stigma towards suicide, especially mother suicide, but I know our story so that is what matters.

that's the thing with suicide. no-one, but the person in it, and usually their immediate family, know the extent of what drives someone to it. i'm glad you have been able to find acceptance

[Snacks]

Hi GW. Sorry to hear of your anxiety, though I understand as best as I'm able how it would be hard for you. x Is your local doctor supportive and reassuring? I hope you are being supported and your fears are being listened to.
I have been dealing with depression and anxiety too, though a bit different to yours I suppose in that I'm not concerned for my health as such (they have said that Mum's illness is in no way genetic - age is the only risk factor they have identified at this stage) but I guess I was feeling that I needed to 'take over' a bit of the role Mum played in our family and of course I became very quickly overwhelmed and disheartened.
I've been seeing a psychologist - have had 5 appointments now and I'm finding things so much easier.
I am writing a journal/messages to Mum, communicating with her as if she were right here (and maybe she is). The psych suggested I make a photo book and I've started that process too. It has helped so much to talk about her, about what I miss about her, about all the things in my life that I'd have debriefed about with her if I could. The psych's been great in helping me prioritise things in my life so I don't get snowed under.

I hope you are all traveling along ok. This year seriously sucks.

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

Ok, so this is over 24hrs late, but I've been sick so only been able to post it now..

In loving memory of My Mum. 15 March 1951 - 10 February 1989


25 years, is so very long
to be without you here
And though so many years have passed,
Our hearts still shed a tear...

A Mum, a Wife, a Daughter
Mere glimpses of memories passed
Frozen in time and in our hearts
A shadow, long, was cast...

We grieve, for what should have been,
Shared lives of joy and love
But know you are our guiding light,
Our protector, up above...

Mum we miss you dearly
With each day that passes by
But take comfort in the knowledge
You are our Angel, way up high.


Gee
xx

[Beautiful Disaster]

Hugs and kisses to you G xxxx I can't believe we heading to 2 years already

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

Hugs and kisses to you G xxxx I can't believe we heading to 2 years already

thanks BD it just goes so fast

[Freya]

GW directed me to this thread - thank you!

My mother passed away last Monday 3rd February. Its a long and messy story but the crux of it is after a wonderful childhood where my mother was my best friend (and completely and utterly awesome!) she became an alcoholic when I was finishing highschool and it disintegrated our relationship into cutting communication with her entirely 14 months ago. I got the phone call that monday night from my sister that they couldnt contact her all day which however unusual wasnt entirely unexpected but she felt funny about it so she asked the police to do a welfare check. She had passed away sometime around 7am that morning. Im guessing her health finally caught up with her. Its was unexpected and not a surprise all at the same time. I know Ive been "grieving" her loss for quite a few years now but its added a new aspect to it now that she is actually gone. Im bouncing between being utterly heartbroken to blinding rage to despair to guilt. I think the hardest thing to deal with is the regret. Regret that I didnt keep some kind of communication going with her, regret that I didnt tell her I did love her even though I couldnt love her lifestyle or behaviour, regret that she died far to young at 57 after wasting so many years being miserable and horrible. She will be missing out on 5 grandchildren growing up. Being without my mother at 28 is something I never thought Id have to deal with and now here I am - even though we broke apart last year I still had that thought at the back of my mind that she was still there and maybe one day would go back to her normal self again.

I know time will fade some of this and it will be easier to cope with but right now it just sucks