Does Your DH/DP Get With The Program?

[fionas]

Usually I do the afternoon/evening thing on my own ie. dinner/bath/bed because DP works shifts and is usually at work. Actually, usually I do the breakfast thing on my own too because DP is sleeping off a night shift.

Man, it's so much smoother when he's not here. He just does NOT get with the program when he's here.

He's now on annual leave which should make my life easier but is not. The other day, I was bathing both the girls after cooking dinner and called out to him for DD1's pyjamas. Where was he? Having a little lie down because he was tired!!!!!!!!

Today, I took DD1 out for the arvo so he could have a few hours at home to do his hobby. Nothing organised for dinner. Now this is not someone who is a neanderthal in the kitchen, this is someone who thinks he is Masterchef and quite openly critiques my meat and two veg meals (when he's not home).

I put DD1 to bed. Come out to find no effort has been made by him to put DD2 to bed, he's fiddling around making a shopping list on his iPhone which I've already told him can wait until after both girls are in bed. Then he tries to pick a fight so that he can storm off and do the shopping and not have to put DD2 into bed.

He's making me sound like a broken record. I've explained for months how hard it is doing the whole dinner/bath/bed then breakfast thing on your own that he really should be pulling his weight now he's here and he seems to be using every trick in the book to try and get out of it.

What's yours like?

[RhiChiChi]

I am really fortunate to have DH who is hands on.

I work part-time (5 day fortnight) and he works full-time (5 days per week)

I tend to DD in the mornings b/c he is gone before she gets up but if he is home on the weekend, he will get DD breakfast or we do it together.

Lunch is the same deal as breakfast above.

At nights, we share the cooking duties when we are both working plus he showers DD and gets her in her PJ's or sometimes I do that. During the time they shower, I do the dishes or we will do them together if he has a shower before dinner. We also have the fish, chickens and dogs to feed - which is shared.

On the weekend DH cooks, but he really enjoys it.

I generally do all the inside housework but DH will help put washing on/hang out/bring in/fold if I haven't had time to do it.

DH pretty much mows the lawn & does the edging but I help with weeding & pruning, cleaning the pergola, cobwebs etc...

Sounds like I am a lazy wife when I see posts like this & talk to my gf's, but to be honest I can't do it all myself and I refuse to - we are a partnership IMO and he has to pull his weight as much as I do. When I was full time at home, I did alot more (ie: cooking, cleaning) but helping with DD has always been joint.

[Meercat]

Exactly the same

I am just now waiting for him to get home from working away for a week. He will hype DD up, criticize the house, whine there is no green cordial and then casually read a car magazine while I wrestle an overtired baby to sleep.

Then he will tell me how tired HE is lol


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[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

hun your not alone.
DP has never really helped with any portion of a routine whether it be morning or evening, i think i could count on both hands the amount of times he might have actually bathed the girls completely alone and that would only include me being in hospital
He works 7 days a week and when he gets home he seems to think it's my responsibility as he's worked all day.
He very rarely cooks tea, even if he's home early.

I completely understand where your coming from hun, i don't even ask for help, not worth the extra criticism.

[nothing2lose]

I am truly blessed and threads like this remind me just how fortunate I am. My DP has always been terrific. He works long hours in a highly responsible job but every night he picks up DD from aftercare, does her reader and homework with her then cooks dinner three times or so a week so it is ready when I get home. After dinner he runs her bath or shower and he brushes her hair after. We both clean the house and we both pick up the slack for each other when it is needed (sick or extra work commitments). Like I said, I am blessed beyond words.

[Epacris]

fionas

It has taken my DH a while to find his groove (like, a few years) but he’s totally here with me now and is great and our family dinner/bath routine works really well. We both need to work more on the “bed” end of the evening but our kids go to bed so late and we are so tired ourselves by then, it’s usually not a very smooth operation.

He constantly walks dirt into the house though if that’s any consolation.

[helle]

My DH is a bit of a gem. After I make dinner he'll either wash and dress DS while I do dishes, or he'll do dishes while I wash and dress DS. Usually he will wash and dress, I think he enjoys the bonding time. They make an absolute racket together in the shower! While I cook he plays with DS in general or they both hang out in the kitchen and talk to me while I cook.
Weekends he'll take DS outside with him while he potters around outside or sometimes they go out but mostly they'll stay home.
I take him for granted alot

[Arcadia]

I do bathtime and bedtime, but Dh organizes every meal. He actually shops and cooks for the week on Sunday and we freeze portions.

My Dh is very creative in the kitchen (and talented) so he enjoys it more too because there's less pressure for him to get home in time to cook.

I find it easier to get kids into bath and bed without Dh around because dd acts up a bit for him (they have their own unique way of getting into pjs that involves chasing etc which hypes dd up before bed!)

[Jellyfish]

My DP is pretty amazing. He hasn't been in our life long but he is great and fits in with us so well; if he notices she needs a new nappy before me he will take care of it, will cook, gets up with her on the weekends and starts breakfast so I can sleep in. I think there is a bit of an advantage when you are getting somebody in after-the-fact because you are more aware of what you need and what is expected is more obvious for the other party too. DP pretty much had to step up straight away or I would just have walked away because I know I can do it fine on my own type thing. He knows where I am at in life and what that means... when you both go into the parenting thing as newbies together, it is hard to judge really what that will mean and what expectations you both have about it and of eachother. I don't know if this is an option or will work but maybe sit down and talk about those kind of things... I know it is kind of different but it was a pretty early subject with me and DP, really romantic but nothing means more to me than my DD and I needed him to know what exactly 'being a parent' and more specifically what 'being a parent with me' meant from my perspective. I needed to know what those things meant from his point of view too.

I really hope you can work this out, it really should be a partnership

[Jellybean29]

I'm only new to this with a 2 month old but...

DH works 9-5, mon-fri, he comes straight home after work and jumps in shower. Then he'll either do dinner, or not if he's had a bad day (and complain that its my job cos i'm a woman). Then he sits on his computer and plays online poker or starcraft till about 11pm and then goes to bed. He also has his earphones in the whole time so if I try and interact with him I have to yell and repeat myself 5 times before he takes an earbud out and I repeat myself a 6th time and then he responds. If I ask him to hold baby after a nappy change so I can quickly wash my hands , he grumbles and says "why don't you just put him in his bouncer!"

I'm getting really sick and tired of it, he thinks cos he works for 8hrs and gets paid for it, it somehow invalidates the 18hrs I work (i'm minus-ing sleep here) looking after a baby. He thinks because I get to stay home and nap when he's at work that he works harder and earns the right to 'relax' and not do anything to help me or give me a break. He doesn't get that the reason why i 'nap' during the day is because I am up 4 times during the night when he is snoring away!!!

[helle]

I'm only new to this with a 2 month old but...

DH works 9-5, mon-fri, he comes straight home after work and jumps in shower. Then he'll either do dinner, or not if he's had a bad day (and complain that its my job cos i'm a woman). Then he sits on his computer and plays online poker or starcraft till about 11pm and then goes to bed. He also has his earphones in the whole time so if I try and interact with him I have to yell and repeat myself 5 times before he takes an earbud out and I repeat myself a 6th time and then he responds. If I ask him to hold baby after a nappy change so I can quickly wash my hands , he grumbles and says "why don't you just put him in his bouncer!"

I'm getting really sick and tired of it, he thinks cos he works for 8hrs and gets paid for it, it somehow invalidates the 18hrs I work (i'm minus-ing sleep here) looking after a baby. He thinks because I get to stay home and nap when he's at work that he works harder and earns the right to 'relax' and not do anything to help me or give me a break. He doesn't get that the reason why i 'nap' during the day is because I am up 4 times during the night when he is snoring away!!!

Gosh. 8 hours. I remember those days XD
My DH leaves home at 5am and gets home again by 6pm and is still more than happy to lend a hand. Perhaps you should point out there are men out there working 12+ hours who pull their weight at home too!

[JLeigh29]

DH leaves at 4:30am, home around 5ish and helps with DS while I get dinner (He loves cooking but DS sticks to him like glue and he can't move or put him down, let alone cook dinner. Sometimes he gets annoyed because he'd love to cook more often but can't). After dinner he showers with and dresses DS for bed while I tidy up. Then he takes DS to feed the fish, we share storytime and he usually puts DS to bed. On weekends he helps with meals and DS. Having said all this, he still riles DS up before bed, and rarely, if ever, tidies up any of DS' toys etc. He gives him anything he points to to play with and when DS just leaves it lying around, he doesn't pick it up. He doesn't do much in the way of housework anymore, but will help out if I ask. Far from perfect, but who wants perfect??!! He does a pretty darn good job IMO

Apart from the fact they're being no help, I can't help but think about how these guys are not bonding and interacting with their little ones. Don't they WANT to be around their own children? Yes, it's exhausting and I totally get that sometimes you just want a break (often DH will breathe a sigh of relief when DS goes to bed and he can relax a bit, lol), but isn't it also rewarding and fun and exciting to look after and be with them? You're building a relationship with your children, teaching and modelling to them how life is. Not to mention nurturing a relationship with your partner too.

[sloane]

i do the morning on my own - DP works 4 days but on days he works & weekends he does any resettling till about 1am so i don't mind him sleeping till 8 (although i would LOVE a sleep in sometimes ). i work one day & i do find it hard to get ready for work while trying to look after DS as well so that might need some tweaking (i've only been working for a month or two).

in the evening DP is great - i always cook (cos he can't/doesn't) but he plays with DS while i prepare it & then after dinner he gives DS his bath while i relax. then we both get him dressed & play with him until it's bedtime & then i put DS to bed. although there are nights when DP does it because it's just not working for me.

i guess i do more day to day housework but every so often when things are a bit of a disaster, i find that i get up the next morning & DP has done a massive clean up after i've gone to bed.

he's very hands on with DS on the days he's home & they're having a great time (well, DS is ) on the day i work & DP is home with him

[misty]

When my DH is home, the kids are (mostly) his responsibility.
In the mornings, he gets them ready so I can have 10mins extra sleep. In the evenings, he does dinner and the bedtime routine. (we alternate homework supervision based on my DD's attitude and each of our tolerance levels). During the night he is usually the one who gets up for the kids (unless they are still being breastfed). He is very involved, but they are his kids too, and his responsibility.

I have had others comment how 'lucky' I am, but I don't choose to see it that way. I am not 'lucky', I am just stubborn and opinionated. DH learnt a LONG time ago that when he is around he is expected to pull his weight. I understand he cann't always be there, but when he is, he has his family responsiblities. If he doesn't, then I won't tolerate it. If I am not happy, I will damned sure make certain that HE isn't happy. I am VERY vocal about my expectations and about my feelings when he doesn't follow through. I don't expect him to do everything I dictate, but I do expect that if he does agree to do something then he WILL follow though, and if he has no intention on doing something he will be honest about it (and if it is important, like dinner, I can fully explain the fall out - ie, kids being hungry and whingy, me being pee'd off and irritable, etc, etc.).

It's not like I am off doing nothing while he is doing stuff - and no matter how many nappies he changes whilst he is home, is still isn't a fraction of the number I deal with on a daily basis; and I won't even get into the times he dissapears for weeks at a time for army reserves (which is definitely his extra caricular activity) and I have no support. It is not 'lucky' to have a partner that pulls his weight. Because if he didn't pull his weight he wouldn't be my partner. It is simply a non-negotiatable issue.

Having said that, it is not like he gets it right everytime (but if I am being honest neither do I). He constantly appraoches things in the wrong way which is destined to only make things worse or cause things to take longer then they need to. Like scareing DD while she is watching a movie just before bedtime, when she has been waking up with nightmares for the past couple of weeks. For the most part I try and bite my tongue and let him do things his own way, even if it does take longer. But sometimes I do say something, particularly if he is going about something in a way that is going to make things harder for me later when he is not here. I do usually try and decide how important is it that he actually do things the 'right' way (ie MY way) or not. (and sometimes I cann't help myself from butting in, simply because I am pregnant and hormonal and he is giving me the irrits).

[fionas]

Thanks ladies for all your input. We had a talk - actually more of a shout last night and as usual, it appears that the underlying issue is something else entirely and that DP blames me for "causing a wedge" between him and his daughter (my DSD) and is taking it out on me. So we will have to address that AGAIN. Sigh.

I should also say that DP is generally pretty good and does lots of things for/with the girls and he has a good relationship with both of them. It's just that sometimes he just doesn't prioritise and do what needs to be done (ie. helping get them into bed) and is off with the fairies doing other things. But he's like that anyway, just not a planner. THis is the man that phoned me from his car on the way to a romantic weekend away telling me he'd forgotten to pack any clothes (for himself) and could I go and buy him some.

[forshelby]

Hmmmm, sounds like you've got 3 kids there, hun.

FWIW sometimes I feel I'm in the same boat. DP will complain if I try to hand DS to him too soon after he gets home from work, saying he's just worked X amount of hours straight. Yeah well, I've been working that amount of time, PLUS all night on my own while you sleep, dearest. I never make a point of it, I do love the extra cuddles from DS as much as I would also love a break. Another one of his tricks is to say he's all dirty from work and hasn't had a shower yet. Well what's stopping you washing your hands?! Derrrr.... And he doesn't have a shower quickly after work. If he finishes at 7, it'll be 10pm before he's in the shower usually. When exactly am I meant to be getting a break? Oh. Never.

Thing is, he has a bit of a hero thing going on. If a friend calls with a problem, he'll rush out INSTANTANEOUSLY to the rescue, leaving me on my own regardless of how long I've been going without a break. I get that he wants to be helpful, but he seems to put all his energy into appearing to be generous to people on the outside, and forgetting me a bit. I think he, (like anyone) loves to hear how wonderful he is. He is a great guy, and bends over backwards to help a friend in need. But what am I? Chopped liver?? I think he thinks I'm superwoman or something, because I never complain. This happens fairly regularly......... so I'm pretty used to it. Just this afternoon his friend had a car accident so he rushed off to help at about 4.30pm. He's been gone over 3 hours already, and is bringing this guy back with him to stay at our place because he can't get to work without his car. This means they'll be drinking and doing manly things most likely while I tend to DS. Then I get to do the nightshift on my own, and all day while he's at work. Bugger, I'm getting annoyed now that I'm writing it down lol. He called to ask if it was ok, AFTER he'd told his buddy it was fine to stay the night. I laughed and asked what would happen if I said it wasn't ok? He said he kind of HAD to stay with us tonight so I'd be overridden. So why bother asking? Just so it looks like you're including me in this decision? I just have to be 'cool' with it. When he responded to my 'being cool with it' (like I have a choice lol) by saying he loved me, I said: "You'd better cause I'm good to you, buddy!" LOL

It's not a huge deal, but does annoy me when I'm really desperate for a rest. It seems he's the hero for everyone but me. Maybe I should take it as a compliment that he feels I don't need any help. Wow this thread has really got me thinking.

I hope your DH 'gets with the program' quicksmart! I only have one littlie and it's exhausting, you must really have your hands full. We're always here to listen if you need to have a rant.

[BlackRose]

Yeah my DH needs to be reminded on occasion of what needs to be done to get our DS ready for kindy on the morning. I'll jump in the shower early and DS will wake, I'll get out of the shower and go heat his milk up and only then does DH get his butt out of bed to get DS up and nappy changed. In the afternoon I always do DS's dinner, bath and bottle while DH is on the computer. It's only when I make a fuss or ask for help that he comes. I think he forgets that I work too and that our night times involve a team effort when putting DS to bed.

And them my DH has the nerve to complain that DS likes being around me more... Well duh!

The only time he takes full responsibility is when I travel overnight for work... Errr cos he kinda has to.. Even then, I hear that DS gets totally out of his bedtime routine... Drives me nuts!

Rant over *phew*

[Astrid]

Dh is not too bad, but he could be much better. When he is tired, or obsessed with something, I have to prompt him a lot to get up, do the girls bath, read to them etc. His night is better than morning. Morning he has to pick up his act. Some morning the girls are up with him, I then get up deal with the lunches, clothes etc about to run out the door and they tell me that they have not had breakfast!! As far as I am concerned first one up feeds them, or he should anyway as I deal with everything else.

I feel your pain at the moment Fionas as DH is in prompt mode and the poor girls have been waiting ages each night for him to come and read as he wont get of the computer.