thread: Non appearing grandma - advice ??

  1. #1
    Registered User

    Apr 2004
    Outer East, Melbourne

    Non appearing grandma - advice ??

    Hi - our daughter is the only grandchild on my side and was the 10th on my partners side. My father passed away six years ago, so there is just my mum on my side and both grandparents on the other side.

    My mum lives about five minutes from us and we would be lucky to see her once a month. She will drive past our house on the way to somewhere else and not drop in, although she knows she is more than welcome. I used to drop in there all the time, but I don't anymore. After Caitlins birth, it took her six weeks to come to visit. And when I do see her, all I hear about is how early my brother and i were toilet trained, or that she doesnt need a car seat for Caitlin in her car and other stuff that makes me cringe.

    I talk to and see my inlaws two or three times a week and they live over an hour away. They helped renovate our bathroom at the start of last year and we saw them every day for over a month ! I think Caitlins first word after mum and dada was 'opa'.

    I thought I was close with my mum, especially with dad no longer being alive, but sometimes now I don't think I care if she visits or not. I probably should be sad about this, but I'm not.

    Or maybe its just because its 2am ...


  2. #2
    Pietta Guest

    I could be totally wrong in your situation but this is what has been happening to me-

    Very similar with DH's Mum. She wouldnt take an interest at all and didnt really care much for us, or so it seemed. It got to the point where DH couldnt handle it and he asked her what was going on and she said that she didnt feel she had a place in our lives adn that was why she was really distant. She didnt mention why she was so negative all the time with us, but i think it may have had something to do with the fact that she felt negative about us and maybe wanted us to feel bad too?

    Now that we have it sorted out we see them probably about once a fortnight which is much better than before, and everyone seems okay with this situation.

    I know how hard it can be when they are your parents, but maybe you could be open and discuss it with her? Would that help?

    Sorry if i have crossed a line, but this really helped us out.

  3. #3
    Lightstar Guest

    I empathise with how you must be feeling about this apparent lack of love/visits/attention from your own Mother, I know that it must really hurt you, particularly when you are so close to your In laws.

    Of course I can not even begin to understand what your Mum is thinking or feeling, but If I may I would like to offer a little advice, which you can take on board or totally ignore.
    My first question, would be 1) "have you spoken to your Mum about this?"
    2)"have you actually rung her up and invited her to your home?"
    3)"Does she know how close you are to your inlaws?"

    Now the first question may seem like a simple thing, and so might the second, but I think that they are both important points to consider.

    A)My Mother in law, would not visit unless she was invited, even though we (and particularly me) told her over and over again, that she was welcome at any time, she still would not come with out that 'invitation'.
    B)Also consider that your Mother may not want to appear as if she is interfering, and again, this may sound too simple but I know of more than one grandma who has kept her distance so as not to interfere, only to go exactly the opposite way, and not visit at all!
    C)Getting to the third question, there is a real possibilty that your Mum knows the rapport that you have with your in laws, and is 'Jealous'......

    Now, as I said at the beginning, this is only my advice, and you can totally ignore it and no one would possibly know.
    Give them a little thought though, before dismissing them ok? LOL

    In Love and Light

  4. #4
    ♥ BellyBelly's Creator ♥
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    Feb 2003
    Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Australia


    Have you actually told her that you are sad that she doesn't visit, and as Lightstar said, have you actually called and asked her over? If you try now, she might be a bit apprehensive at first since it has been some time since you spoke, but maybe she is feeling down about something which is not so obvious? E.g. often when I speak to Danny or read books psychologists have written, people often will act based on past experiences and/or how they were brought up (conciously or unconciously). Perhaps her mother didn't have a very good relationship with her or didn't help her much when she had her child? Hence maybe she is waiting for you to ask for help?

    I would especially think this is the case if she was much more welcoming and would visit more often previously. Perhaps she is worried you might think she is interfering etc... the possibilities are endless, so I would strongly suggest that you take the bull by it's horns so to speak and break the ice. Tell her you really would love her to visit and be a part of your baby's life... because it is amazing what difference it makes when you have a great relationship with your mother, when you are a mother yourself. My mum and I were on awkward terms for a long time after Marisa's birth, all that resulted was that she was sad to have missed out on so much and I ended up stressed out and with PND as I had no other help I could call on.

    Something to think longer term when things are calmer, perhaps you could ask her about her experiences as a new mum - what was it like for her? Might help with the bonding and you both might have a better understanding of each other.

    Good luck - I hope you guys are able to work something out. It's a special time.
    Kelly xx

    Creator of, doula, writer and mother of three amazing children
    Author of Want To Be A Doula? Everything You Need To Know
    In 2015 I went Around The World + Kids!
    Forever grateful to my incredible Mod Team

  5. #5
    Registered User

    Apr 2004
    Outer East, Melbourne

    hi - thanks folks - it's my birthday on wedensday, so they're all coming over, so I'm going to ask then. Nicely, of course, and see what eventuates.

    Mum had my brother and I when she was 17 and 19 and the whole situation with her mother back then wasn't the best. So I can see that there might be issues stemming from that.


    thanks again,

  6. #6

    Goodluck for Wednesday barb

    Love :smt049

  7. #7
    Lightstar Guest

    Hi Barbie-up

    Happy birthday, it is my sons' today july26. and if you are anything like him I know that u are a beautiful person.
    Good luck with your Mother. I really feel that if you share your feelings with her, and actually invite her to be involved in your family, that all will be improved
    This may not be exactly as you would wish, but any attempt by your Mum to be closer is a win......don't u think?
    Maybe your Mum has issues that she needs to deal with, and will appreciate the chance to begin again.
    if u are in need of a Mum at anytime to talk to, I would like to issue an invitation to borrow me from my children.......and belileve me they won't mind in the least as they are very used to their friends turning to me as a mother surrogate.
    Extra special ~~Blessings~~ to you barbie-up

  8. #8

    Wow so many birthday's yesterday. 2 on the forums, plus it was the godfather to my 1st borns birthday as well. My husbands b/day is the same day as yours barb

    Love :smt049