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Thread: not sure what to do?

  1. #1
    sajemsha Guest

    Unhappy not sure what to do?

    My 9 year old (year 4) is having lots of trouble socially at school, she gets bullied on a regular basis, we've talk to the school on many occasions, but it's like hitting your head against a brick wall, she ends up walking around by her self most of the time at school. It's a lonely awful place for her. She comes home stressed and angry depending on what bulling went on. Her younger sister who is 6 is a born stirrer, can't help but to anoy her until she screams, she gets her punishment, but this doesn't help my oldest. My two oldest fight like cat and dog all the time. I'm pregnant and at my witts end, the amount of stress in this house when the 2 oldest are at home is unbelievable, I've rang a counceller but getting in to them is impossible. I just don't have any more ideas... sigh


  2. #2

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    Hello, time to think about moving schools??? If the school is not helping, maybe you need to find one who will work more proactively to overcome the problem.

    Also, the school should have a school counsellor, they can work with your 9 YO on protective behaviours and also skills for making and keeping friends.

    As to the constant infighting, if you ring some of the local youth and support services, you might find there is some assistance with behavioural issues. We did this last year when I was at my wits end due to (my lovely) DD's noncompliance when DH was away for long stretches of time. They come to the house and observe the dynamics, then give you strategies to practise. The service we used is free and the lady is delightful, very supportive and non judgemental.

    PS Tell them it is at crisis point and you're really not coping, and they will escalate you through any waiting lists.

    Good luck
    Last edited by AnyDream; February 21st, 2007 at 10:17 AM.

  3. #3
    sajemsha Guest

    Unhappy

    Hi Yep we've thought about moving schools, but the other public school don't take children from other public schools (go figure) There is only a christian private school that we can't affort, we'd have to grovel to get her in there, so we're just trying to get this school to take some notice and some care. She has been going to see the school counseller, she went to her for over 2 terms, fat lot of good that did.
    I'll find out about youth support, I rang around yesterday but came to a dead end, but there might be something in the next bigger town (100k's away)
    We live in a pathetic small town. I'm not sure what to do next, in the mean time I'll plod along and try and keep the peace and do the best I can, I guess......
    Thanks for your reply.

  4. #4

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    God it must be so hard for you to watch your daughter go through that and not be able to do anything about it. The school really need to help with the bullying. A friend of mines little boy was bullied in grade prep. His mum went to the school over and over and over and nothing happened. In the end he got pushed off the slide and his arm was broken

    Maybe could you try writing a letter to the other school explaining the seriousness of the issue and see if they would consider taking your daughter at their school? Or make an app to see the principal?

    I'm like you, i live in a small country town and I'm trying to find help for some behaviour problems for my daughter and keep running into dead ends. The facilities for that kind of help just aren't available in places like this

    Let us know how things are going *HUG*

  5. #5

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    Talk to the school counsellor yourself, find out what they are doing to help. Ask the principal for a copy of the school's anti- bullying policy (all NSW school must have one, not sure about other states) I have a book which I have lent to one of the mums from my school called "Bully proof your child" not sure who wrote it but maybe a book similar would be good to read. Chat to your daughter about strategies for making friends and how to be a good friend, invite someone over to play so you can observe how she acts with others, also this really helps children's friendships at school. Spend some time alone with her, difficult I know but she may be wanting your attention.
    I will check some other resources that I have at school (I am a teacher) Are you in NSW?

  6. #6
    sajemsha Guest

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    The school in in NSW and does have an anti bullying policy, but the principle is some what laxed. We had a stern chat to him a couple of days ago and said if this situation isn't taken seriously then we'll be going to a higher authority. He mumbled something along the lines of maybe your daughter is exagerating things (she was kicked by three year 4's, I'm not sure how that can be exagerated)
    I've talked to the councellor on several occasions, the where doing anitbullying teachings through the classes, she was working one on one with my daughter, and now they have classes once a week on how to make friends and to get along with others. So they are doing things, but it's the same children who consistanly tease and belittle her, she tells the teacher and us each time something happens, she's tell's us their names. In term 4 of last year she was bullied by three boys, teasing her about her last name, one ended up ripping her uniform and scratching her back with a pen, and pushed her to the ground, we have a photo of the scatch that was very bad, he was suspended, the other two got a talking too.
    I guess someone has to be hurt enough before the school takes action, I'm worried that one day she'll hit them back, then we'll have no help at all.
    She has a very good friend out of school and they mostly play really well together, she has a boy at school that she is really good friends with and thay play together out of school, they get along really well, but she gets teased at school about been his friend (the boyfriend thing of course).
    She goes to kidsclub as well.
    Lately though I've notice when we're with a few children, she withdraws and keeps to herself.
    It's all making me very upset and it seams to be getting more and more compicating.
    I give her lots of positive attention, cuddles, I tell her how well she's doing, I give her things to do around the house to help so she feels needed, I talk to her when she wants to talk. At least she still come to us and tells us what's bothering her.
    looks like this is going to take a long time to sort out, but at least she's got her parents backing if nothing else.
    Thanks for your replies, I'll have a look at the library for that book..

  7. #7

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    Unfortunately the principal sets the tone for school and it sounds as if yours isn't much good. Going above him will sadly just get him offside and get you labelled as a problem parent (it shouldn't but it will) It sounds like the counsellor is doing the right thing and trust me there are some hopeless school counsellors out there. I'm glad she has got one friend but the physical violence must stop- those kids responsible should be in very serious trouble each time this happens. I am pleased to see that one was suspended but since the school was aware it was this serious they should be monitoring the situation closely. I am going to do soem research at school into who you could contact for help within the dept. and get back to you but it may not be until next week.
    Your little girl is lucky she has caring parents.

  8. #8
    kerry Guest

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    Last year we had some bullying issues with my then SS. He was making himself physically ill in the morning so he didn't have to go to school, but usually around lunch time he was suddenly all better. It only took 2 days to connect the dots so on the second day I took him to the doctor. Unlike your daughter he wouldn't discuss if anything was bothering him so I asked the nurse to send a little note in to the doctor before we went in say that I suspected bullying. LSS... He was being bullied, and actually hunted down by the bully and his little posse of thugs. Luckily for him his school has a strict bullying policy and once it was reported things swung straight into action, with the ringleader even being given lunch and play susspension for a whole term (this means at lunch and play time they have to sit in the office foyer. Parents were involved and all the kids had to go to mediation together. Unfortunately it sounds like your school isn't as good BUT our doctor offered to write the school a letter for us basically saying in his opinion SS was depressed and ill as a result of their failure in their duty of care. Such a step would be radical but the Dr said it had worked with other schools that weren't acting on bullying.

    Your DD's withdrawing in group peer situations does suggest that she has some emotion issues as a result of her school experiences. This isn't because of anything you have or haven't done but don't forget that your GP can be your ally in anything to do with bullying.

    Are you in the position to home school, seeing as their is no school based alternative in your area?

  9. #9
    tiggy Guest

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    Where about are you, in NSW? We had exactly the same problems and we are in a small country town. We sent outr kids to the Private Christian school for 18 months before we couln't justify missing out on meals to pay for school fees. We didn't want to go back to the old school, where all our problems had originated, so we tried our original second school (who told us the exact same thing about not taking kids out of area). They took our kids because they were making the transition from private school back to the public system! Go figure!

    I think you are doing the right thing looking for other alternatives. I hated the whole of my primary school years because of bullying and my parents did nothing about it. I'm sure that is why I will not let my kids put up with it at all now.

  10. #10

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    I am so angry after reading your post I literally have tears from it. Have you tried talking to the other parents? This just makes me so mad! Your poor little girl.Its just so wrong. Teasing etc is one thing (NOT okay, but one thing) bu physically harming her is another. God I feel like driving to where you are now and giving this principal a piece of my mind. How horrible for you and your daughter. She should never have to be scared at school.

    I remember once my daughter was being bullied when she was in yr 1 and one older girl in particular would pull my daughters hair and pinch her. My daughter was told by the school not to retaliate and the other girl would get a talking to. It just kept going on and I told my daughter (this is going to get me shot) to tell her that the next time she laid a finger on her, Rayanne would knock her to the ground. The girl laughed and pulled my daughters hair and my daughter actually did knock her to the ground. I will never advise my kids to turn the other cheek more than once if nobody helps them. I had spoken to the principal, the other childs parents - everything I could think of. This kid never bothered Rayanne again.

    The school has a duty of care to your children and a responsibility to make sure that they are able to learn in a supportive environment. Your principal is being lazy and not doing his job. If I were you I'd come down like a tonne of bricks. These are your daughters important years and will play a part of who she will be as she grows up.

    Threaten to go over his head - BE a problem parent. If it doesn't work, do it. Get letters from counsellors, social workers, your dr - anyone and say that you and your daughter cannot handle this anymore and she MUST be transferred to the other public school. Its not ideal, because it reinforces running away from a problem, but her happiness and comfort are the main issues here.

    Massive hugs to you and if there's anything I can do, email me at [email protected]

    Take care sweet xx

  11. #11

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    Sajemsha - if you make enough noise the other school will take you -it's a public system you pay for it with your taxes and you just do whatever it takes to get her there. They have ways around the system.

    I'm so sorry for you and your daughter. Is it possible to talk to other parents or is that really difficult? Are there some other outside school activities like girlguides or sundayschool or something with kids not from her school so she can make friends and realise it's NOT her fault?

    damnit - if some adult kicked her they would be arrested, tell the school that's what you'll do! No, I know that's not an answer... is it the whole class or kids outside of her class, or just a couple/one bully? All of these things would take different strategies I think.

    Build her up as much as possible, tell her whatever she does you'll support her even if it's punching the other kid, that it might be wrong but you would understand if she did it kind of thing. Unfortunately it's not the same as friends your own age but it helps.

    Your second DD has GOT to understand this is NOT on. Home should be where you feel safe and happy. How? No idea sorry!

    Can I just say from experience don't tell her that sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me? cause they do. Oh poor darling, I'm rambling now but I'm so upset for her (and you) I would just die if my DD's were nasty to other kids.

  12. #12

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    Other public schools do not have to take out of area children unless they have room for them, so that if the grade your daughter is to go into is at maximum class size they can refuse her. Also some principals have a sort of unwritten code that they won't poach other school's children. Try the other school again and explain the situation.

  13. #13

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    I agree with Mrs Mac, explain the situation.
    Plus like I said, there are ways around everything. The girls next door were repeatedly told no-way under NO circumstances could they go to the school closest to us because they weren't in the right area/region. Their parents just kept going and talking to the school and somehow(?) they got in. So it can happen?
    They don't have to take them, but they could!!

  14. #14

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    Rose, another good book is Easing the Teasing by Judy Freedman. It will help with techniques for your daughter to use. I think it's a useful book because nearly every child experiences a bit of teasing at some point. But I agree, the issues go deeper than that & have to be sorted out with the school, or by a change of school. I'm so sorry!

    Bullying came up for us when my oldest was in Year 3. The school was very helpful. There were 2-3 kids involved. Ironically, the kids are all fine with each now, but some of the parents are still very hostile! This is probably the same case for you--most of the problem is with those other children's parents.

  15. #15

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    The department of Education has a site on bullying, can't post the link but its in student support area, I couldn't actually read it myself today at the det site wasn't working (typical) but it might be worth a read if you haven't already.
    I have also thought more about my comment about not complaining higher up, i think you should ring your local district office, the numbers are usually in the phone book and ask to speak to someone in Student welfare and explain the situation to them. Sometimes if a boss is as slack as yours sounds they need a kick in the a$$ and who knows, his staff may be frustrated with him about his nontackling of issues and be glad something gets done.

  16. #16
    sajemsha Guest

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    Thankyou everyone for your replies, I'm touched. Been pregnant isn't really helping me to deal with all these emotional issues, but i'm hanging in there. ok to update, Yesterday my daoughter was again bullied, a girl in her class dug her fingernail into her hand and she had skin pulled off, she went straight to the teacher and told her who did it and what had happened, the teacher took her and the girl up to the principle. The principle then had a word to the whole class about this bullying and has now laid it on the line the next students to be found bullying while be suspended, the girl was given a warning and had to apoligise. Finally the school is starting to listen, it's only the start but it is a start..... My daughter is now sitting with four other girls, apposed to sitting by herself.
    Now I'll explain why they might actually be listening... a few days ago my husband turned up to the school to pick my two up and he saw (right in front of him) a girl push our daughter and call her fat, he said to her "what do you think your doing" and she ran off, Sara knew her so they both went to the principle and told him, then the next day she came home sobbing, we could hardly work out what she was saying, turned out that she was teased and kicked by three students about her coughing (she has a persistant cough at the moment) Straight away my husband rang the principle and told him what had happened, the names of two of the children my daughter knew, he also told him the enough is enough and if nothing was done about the persistant bullying we would be taking this to a higher authority, he assured him that something would be done, so hopefully this will be the turning point.
    As far as her younger sister goes we've withdrawn all privlages from both my girls until they at least try and get along better, less fighting and teasing would be good.
    Thanks for your replies, I'll update as we go.... Rose

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    I am sooo glad that things are turning around. Good on your DH for sticking it to them. This is great! Hope everything continues to get better,

    Nat

  18. #18
    kerry Guest

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    Rose, just wanted to say I am glad things are on the improve. Its a tough journey for your DD but at least finally the school is taking a stance instead of sitting on their hands. Bravo to DH for not thumping the little cretin, my XP probably would have, leading to more trouble.

    Tell your DD I think she is a beautiful, clever and very brave little girl and the future is hers to make what she wants.

    Regarding the sibling issue... what can I say... GIRLS! I know this is probably not ethical or the best parenting approach, but maybe remind the little sister that she should be nice with her BS so that they can be firends because her BS will be driving a car before she is and going to exciting places and if they aren't friends she wont want to take her with her... other things are..lending makeup/clothes when they are bigger... etc etc etc. My friend did this with her youngest and now they are great friends (if only the eldest knew the youngest's original motives) and its not even about what the oldest can do for the youngest anymore... they are just great friends.
    Last edited by kerry; February 28th, 2007 at 11:40 AM. Reason: Not very clever to spell clever incorrectly!

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