Parenting disagreements: discuss in front of child or not?

[jakodai]

I've decided that if I disagreed with something that my little man's father was doing I'd not say something in front of our son, only because I remember what it was like when I was younger and my parents would disagree.

If Dad was telling me off for something, and all of a sudden Mum was telling Dad off for telling me off, it kind of made me feel a little too powerful, if that makes sense? And then it would be too easy to play Mum & Dad off one another.

Even now my parents like to complain to me about one another (totally different, I know) and I hate it. I really don't want to get involved or take sides.

[kirsty_lee]

I think well.. have a fear lol of if you argue in front of little children they tend to let their little brains work out which parent is going to be the easiest to manipulate kwim? If mummy is always sticking up for me then i'll go to her when I want something .. well that's what I reckon Ava will be like she's a smart little cookie except she won't be coming to mummy, she's a daddy's girl. Plus as a child who came from an abusive home I don't want to see me and dp arguing i'd much rather wait until him and I are alone.

[Roryrory]

Ditto what others said about disagreeing in front of small kids. But I suspect that once kids are older it might be useful to have "staged" disagreements about things in front of them (ie: one parent can "convince" the other about why child should not be allowed out past 10, drink alcohol, go to a sleepover, whatever)

Hmmm, maybe in theory it sounds good - I would love to see if it works though LOL!

[Patooties]

It depends on the circumstance - there are times when DH may jump the gun and disicpline one of the girls for something they haven't done. If I have proof of it - I will calmly act in defense of them in front of the kids. Dh will then apologise to whichever dd - and back down. I think in this instance it's good to hear their Dad say sorry to them for misunderstanding.
On the weekend though - we handled a situation very poorly - in front of our eldest - who is 7. We reflected afterwards though, which I think is very healthy for all of us.

[Rouge]

I have in the past slipped up and disagreed in front of the kids, and as my psych said to me its important to do so. Children do need to see conflict as often children who do not do not know handle it well as adults... HOWEVER this is a biggy... don't have conflict without resolution. We make it very clear in front of our children that we are resolving it and when their is resolution (which always ends with us both apologising, acknowledging each others feelings and showing intimacy through cuddles etc) we include them in it if they have been there. One thing I will never forget is my psych said to me its important for children to see all aspects of our relationship, but it is important for us to show respect in doing so to each other and our children.

But if there was a parenting thing, if I couldn't subtly show an alternative without coming across as putting him down or undermining his parenting I'll do it later. And DH does it with me. And if either of us have acted inappropriately its our responsibility to explain that to our children and resolve that as well. And in most cases then the other parent will praise the other parent in front of the child to show support and consolidation. It is important to show a unified front as a parent but its also important (IMO) to teach a child how to speak up in a respectful way if something isn't ok.

[Astrid]

I have in the past slipped up and disagreed in front of the kids, and as my psych said to me its important to do so. Children do need to see conflict as often children who do not do not know handle it well as adults... HOWEVER this is a biggy... don't have conflict without resolution. We make it very clear in front of our children that we are resolving it and when their is resolution (which always ends with us both apologising, acknowledging each others feelings and showing intimacy through cuddles etc) we include them in it if they have been there. One thing I will never forget is my psych said to me its important for children to see all aspects of our relationship, but it is important for us to show respect in doing so to each other and our children.

This is so important. DH never saw anyone in his family argue and as such has no idea how to behave during an argument. I saw a lot when I grew up (too much really), so am used to a good barny to get things out in the air and get some resolution. As a result of him not knowing how argue, we often have more argument than necessary as nothing gets resolved from the original one.

I try not to disagree too much in front of the kids, but if I think something is going to far, then I do step in. If anything though I tend to step in more in front of others, as DH has a tendency to "show off' his parenting and goes overboard.

[jakodai]

I saw a lot when I grew up (too much really), so am used to a good barny to get things out in the air and get some resolution.

So am I - but since being pregnant I'm trying to tone myself down a bit, mainly because the arguments that I'd normally start (I'd generally always start them...) just weren't worth getting stressed about. Now I try and calm myself down doing the whole counting to 10 thing and then try and tackle whatever problem we're having. I guess I'm just really bad at over-reacting. A guy I work with told me that you should always say the second thing that comes into your mind, because most of the time the first thing is the wrong thing. And the more I think about it, the more I believe it's true.

Having said that though, I also don't think it's healthy to keep your feelings & emotions inside. If you have an opinion or you disagree with something that's happening, you need to be true to yourself and voice that opinion. Whether it be later on your own, or if you think it's bad enough to warrant something being said straight away - you have the right to say what you have to say.