Parents in law driving me up the wall!!

[Nelle]

The fact is, your ds is YOUR son. He is not THEIR son. You are his guardian, responsible for him, and everything that happens in his life should be run by you.

If you need your dh to understand, maybe try talking on his level - what if your parents started organising car services on his behalf, or just took his power tools out for the day to give him a break? Obviously, they're HIS, and they would need his permission, or to check with him first.

Perhaps fill your diary in with things. Even if you have a scheduled weekend to yourself, so that you can say, no sorry, we've already got plans for that weekend. Call it 'marriage time' or 'family time'. And then book in a weekend for them, say once a month (or whatever suits you), and then when they say hey let's do this, perhaps you can say well, not this weekend, but we'll see you in a fortnight!

Wishing you well, it's tricky ground to navigate hey.

[peachy]

Thanks everyone for their thoughts. I really started to think that maybe I had the problem but my mother instincts were right. I guess that I will have to take each day as it comes and when something comes up that I'm not a fan of then I will need to step up and say something. I'm one of those people that hates conflict and I tend just to go along with things because it's easy. Even if it means that I'm not entirely happy. The older I have gotten the better I am becoming but I sort of feel that DH should stand up for me but I think that I may be on my own there. His point of view is 'Sweet - someone else is looking after hime..no dramas.' He knows they are in good hands. But the thing is - is that I enjoy looking after DS. I'm sure (almost positive) that there will be times where I WILL want people to take him off my hands - but not at the moment. I'm doing good!

At least I feel better knowing that I'm not the only one who thinks this way.

TK1999 - lol you sound like me!! It is my issue...I'm sure his family is going to think I'm nuts!! oh well...

[tk1999]

Lol... as I say we do not have children as yet but DPs family tell me what they are going to do with them once they are here (um I am not even pg as yet I might add!!), they are going to go to school swimming carnivals and school sport and this and that and arrrrggghhh...

We are facing a slight uphill battle TTC and I am facing this all pre-conception! I hope everything works out for you Peachy... your mum instinct is always right!

[Heaven]

No way you're overreacting, I would be so peeved!!
Maybe you could let your DH read your initial post?? You articulated yourself well and maybe it would help him to understand??

[nic]

Hi Peachy,You've got great advicie here, and I don't think I will actually add anything new, I thought I would post and say I feel for you.

My DD was an emergency c/s. she was born 2 hours from home, and the IL's were already in town waiting for us to announce her arrival. I took a little bit to come round after the GA, and made it back to the room around 6-7am. I was groggy as, and when visiting hours started at 11am, they were all there. All 8 of them, crowded around DD, DH's grandma, didn't even speak to me, and I could barely string a sentence together. The were forever telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing, or saying 'she doesn't like that or she likes this" drove me mental!
DH's grandma was bad, she called one day and invited herself to stay. I cried when i got off the phone and then had to explain to DH why.

With my pregnancy with DS, DH was much more understanding. He was finally in a place where he could see what they were doing and I wasn't genuinely attacking them for the hell of it. It took 8 years, and us doing IVF (which I believe helped us communicate better and he saw how his family reacted to it all and to us) but he was finally able to understand what it was like for me.
He told me that he wanted to cry, because he just didn't know. He didn't know the midwife was going to put DD in SCN if the IL's unwrapped her, as her temp was low. He didn't know I saw them unwrapping her, but I just couldn't get the words out to wrap her back up.

With DS, we set up ground rules. No one was allowed to visit the day DS was born. We would let them know when they could come to visit on day 2. I don't think they liked it, but I didn't care.

I don't like confrontation either. But if you are finding it a problem now, you just might have to say something, regardless of whether or not you have your DH's support.
We joke about moving to the other side of Australia to get away from DH's family, then I tell DH the problem with moving away so far is when they visit they will be there for longer LOL

Hope you work something out

Nic

[peachy]

I feel much better now. At least I'm not craaazy~! Next baby when it's time - I've already said to DH that I'm not telling them when I'm due. I said I'm going to make up a date which is after my due date..That way at least they won't hassle me leading up to the day and they won't be able to turn up on the day...I'll fix them..hahaha (isn't terrible to think we have to do those things??)

So thank you girls. I appreciate all your comments..I'm off to cringe and procrastinate over this weekend. Fingers crossed that we don't see anyone this weekend..we have so much to do around the house before christmas day!!

tk1999 - I feel for you already seeing that you haven't conceived yet and it's already happening to you. It wasn't so bad while I was PG but they kept telling me what I need and what I don't need. I kept telling them that I don't want all this stuff and if I find out that I do need it - then the shops are like 5 min up the road - no biggie! Just never thought it would be like this now at all. It's a real shame that DH only sister lives in QLD - when she adds a grandkid to the family..she's going to be away from it all.

[Emma1979]

hey there
these are all normal feelings so don't think you are being selfish or ungrateful at their enthusiasm... i can remember people saying that my MIL was waiting for us to go out for the evening so she could babysit DD, and this was at SIX WEEKS!! i was in such a poor physical and emotional state for months after the arrival of my girl that it really stressed me out having people impatiently waiting to babysit her... she is now approaching two and still my MIL has never had her overnight... she rubbed me up the wrong way early on and it made me COMPLETLEY back away, and now as time has passed my dd is just way more comfy with my parents when it comes time for sleep overs etc...

anyways i just wanted to say, in relation to them always holding him or putting him to bed etc etc, please please please don't be afraid to say 'i'm going to take him and get him settled for bed now' or 'he wants his mummy' or 'time to hand him back' all with a gentle smile on your face.... he's your bubba and when its your first for some reason you lack the confidence and somehow well meaning relatives seem to take over, against your will... you've got to get more vocal as i bet a million dollars they don't realise how it makes you feel... there is nothing wrong with gently saying its time for him to return to his mummy etc.....

in regards to babysitting i would just smile and say 'no way am i ready to be away from him yet, i'll get back to you when he's 2!!'.... i think as long as you appear light hearted and gentle there are ways to subtley give them the hint that they'll be waiting a while... also if you are breast feeding this is an excellent excuse for not handing him over for babysitting...

id be claiming my weekends back too... be creative and think of some reasons to be at home... can you join a mothers group and then say you have plans to catch up with them (even when you don't)... can you say you're tired and just want some quiet time with your bubs?

start with baby steps in regards to gently asserting yourself and then work up... don't be afraid to say you're not up to visiting or just not feeling like it, you are a new mum and have the right to be tired and not in the mood for visits etc...

ps next time i have a little one i'm making a sign for the front door each time i don't want anyone visiting... as simple and rude as that!!

[Glamourcide]

Ugh, in-laws and parents in general.
I always loved my MiL, she was always extremely caring, considerate and ensured she wasn't intruding on anybody's territory. It was FiL who was the problem. He's the inconsiderate b**tard who insisted on being in the birthing suite with us during my labour (we ended up getting around it by just not calling them until DD was born and I was safely back in the ward), invited a bunch of complete strangers (his and MiL's friends, not mine) up to the hospital to hold and play with 6-hour-old DD (when I had specifically asked the nurses on the desk not to allow visitors apart from IMMEDIATE family, meaning DH and my parents for a while because I was trying to establish feeding and didn't want to do it in front of a bunch of people), and was generally noisy, obnoxious and hogged the baby the whole time I was in hospital...
It didn't get any better after we went home, he was always calling demanding that we come around for 'family dinner' on our precious weekends (DH works 10-hour days 6 days a week so we cherish every bit of time we have together alone), and calling during the day when he knew full well that DH was at work, and sit there talking nonsense for up to three hours because he doesn't have a job and was bored sitting at home...
Even now that he's in prison he's still a frickin pain - always calling up and asking after DD and I, and my pregnancy... Umm, I don't want anything to do with you, I don't want my kids having anything to do with you, I don't want you knowing anything about how I am and you don't have a right to be in the know.

I'm sure DH would say the same about my mother though, he's never got along with her (tbh, she can be a right pain in the backside and that's putting it nicely), and it was especially bad during the first four months of DD's life, when we were living in their house. She didn't realise that she was being overbearing or 'interfering' (as DH called it), she just thought she was being helpful (and I considered a lot of her efforts helpful, as it was my first baby and I had NO idea what I was doing, I was so sleep-deprived and desperate for help)... but after a while it started to grate on me, too.

Eventually, it all came to a head and ended up a big fight that involved DH and I telling her she needed to back off and wait until we asked for help, not do things like barge into our room at 2am when DD started crying - we would wake up and get her and she would just have to listen to DD cry for a minute and grit her teeth and stay in her own room. She was extremely upset and offended, as she genuinely thought she was doing the right thing by offering her help, but the only way to explain to her that she was impinging on our time as a family was to tell her outright that she was overstepping boundaries.
She forgave us after a couple of weeks and since then has been very good about keeping her nose in her own business, and although sometimes she gets a bit carried away about doing things like planning 'sleepovers' and outings with DD, and gets a little offended if we refuse, she understands that it's our right to say where our child will be at any given time, and with whom. For the most part we welcome the break from her, and DD adores having sleepovers and shopping trips with Nanna and Poppy, so it's not much of a big deal. It also helps because DH and I are pretty antisocial and don't go out much, so it's good for her to go out and do things with her grandparents, so it's good for DD to have some time away from us as well, to teach her independence and to be comfortable in unfamiliar surroundings. We know that she's safe and that's the main thing. I know mum is just trying to help us because when my brother and I were babies, her mother lived hours away and her MiL was 'too careful' about being interfering and left her alone too much for her liking. So she's trying to make sure I don't feel isolated or lonely or in need of help but thinking it's not there.

It's a tricky thing to get around the in-laws when it comes to them being a bit overpossessive of your dear little one, and it's important that you don't allow them to establish the habit of basically getting away with unannounced visits and planning things for them without asking first. If DH isn't willing to talk to them, then unfortunately you have to be the bad guy and tell them straight how you want things to work - don't worry, you can always go off your head and let it all out, then blame it on a sleepless night or hormones later on!! They will be pretty upset at first, but sometimes harsh truths are necessary to make a person see that instead of being helpful, they are actually being a hindrance.

[HotI]

ps next time i have a little one i'm making a sign for the front door each time i don't want anyone visiting... as simple and rude as that!!

I went to drop some photos off to someones place, and on the door was a note that her older kids had made up. "

SSShhhh! Jasmine (baby s name) and Mum are having a nap. Please come back to play later"

It was gorgeous, and i was happy to leave and come back later. I would have felt bad if there was no sign, and i had knocked and woken them up. I made a mental note to make myself a sign when bub comes along.