Partner doesn't have an interest in anything anymore

[Kigga]

I'm worried about my partner, the last few months he's just seemed to have lost interest in everything. He never really had any hobbies except gaming and has always had only one or two friends. He has no real ambition in life. He'll hop from facebook to a game to random browsing to facebook to a game in the space of 10minutes, his attention span is non existent. He started an IT course and went for about 3 weeks, he can do it all online and he started doing study a few times a week, which lasted for all of a fortnight. Before that he worked for 3 months, he has had a few jobs before. He has serious anger issues, never towards my child or I but little things, like he died in a game, or he forgot to do something, or like today he accidentally pulled out a power cord and got very angry. His libido is up and down, whether he sleeps for 3 hours or 13 he's constantly tired. He's tried having some kind of routine but that doesn't help. I am worried about depression, especially since he said he's been like this since about 14-15, so maybe just some kind of chemical imbalance? I don;t doubt he loves me and I don't think he's going to leave me but I just get so tired, I worl part-time and do all of the cooking and cleaning and apart from him changing th occasional nappy, giving some bottles and every few days taking babs for a walk so I can nap he's doesn't do much with our child. He does play with him but I really feel like he could do more. I've talked to him about this but he always says he doesn;t know whats wrong, he's just tired, he does do stuff around the house. I love him but I wish he wouldn't spend 12 hours a day just sitting on the couch in front of the computer. I need advice please

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

You may be onto something with the depression, will he talk to a gp about it?

[Arcadia]

Is he the primary carer for your child? Parenting can be really isolating for both men and women. Are there any dad's groups in the area he could join?

Does he have any career ambitions? I think he sounds a bit lost, which is also normal for new parents. He sounds unsettled in himself, which makes it hard to be motivated. Definitely unplugging the computer and getting more time outside would help his sleep and energy levels.

[JLeigh29]

Some great advice above. If he can get to a GP to discuss/treat the depression, it'll help give him the push he needs to join a dad's group, find work or do a course, turn the computer off and participate more in family life. He might need a push to see someone though...can you go too?

[glorious]

Yes in the depression part also does he smoke dope? (You don't have to answer) These are common behaviours of men who start smoking young and continue into adulthood.

[Footsteps]

Im going to pm you. Smoking dope. Really does effect moods. X

[Kigga]

Nah he doesn't smoke up. Not to say we both haven't tried it before I got pregnant but it's only happened maybe... five times between us? Sorry I don;t think I can PM until 50 posts. He's not primary caregiver, although I think a lot of it has to do with our child. He's so good and sweet with him, but doesn't do any of the work. I've mentioned depression and going to see a doctor but he's said he doesn't want to be on medication, his mother has mentioned it too. Unfortunately if we push he'll want to go even less. He also has social anxiety and so hates meeting new people, he's just not interested, he has his two friends and he's happy with that.

[Starfish]

Your DP sounds a lot like mine. Mine has depression and medication helps, especially with the anger issues.
No advice re the motivation to do things stuff, as I am struggling with the same issue.

[diannescruffy]

My DH is also very similar to this, he suffers from depression and anxiety. Seeing a GP and getting some help will make an enormous difference but he has to want that help. Can you talk to him about how this affects yourself and your child, he needs to also understand that his problems affects the family as well. What happens when he can no longer control his anger?

Regards,
Dianne

[Kigga]

I'm not worried about his anger, nothing I or our child does makes him angry, it's just stupid stuff like dying in a game or he forgot to do something around the house and whatnot. I've mentioned it to him but he doesn't want to go to a GP about it and he lies to his job network appointed psychologist (due to social anxiety) about how he feels, says he doesn't want to be on any medication, he's seen how much it changes people and can make them not themselves. I've told him no one can make him take meds but he might feel better if he can talk to someone he doesn't know personally about any problems he may be having or the way he feels. Not interested, it's like quitting smoking, you can only do it for yourself not someone else. I agree with him having to want to help himself but I have no idea how to help him get to that point. I worry that if I talk about it too much he'll be even less inclined to do something just because he's so stubborn, I don't want to nag or annoy him into it but talking and gently pushing isn't doing the trick

[JLeigh29]

When DH was really suffering (depression), I basically gave him an ultimatum and pretty much dragged him to the GP. Just going didn't mean he had to be on meds, but it did mean he had to talk to someone. In the end it was the push he needed and he decided meds were worth a shot. He also saw a therapist/psych a few times, which he was so-so about. But it's given him an awareness of what he can feel, as opposed to just feeling numb. He now knows when he doesn't feel 'right', recognises triggers and stressors and can talk about what's going on at a basic level before it gets out of hand again, itms?

[lozzy_mac]

You describe the absolute textbook case of depression/anxiety. My DH is doing heaps better on meds but it was a long road to get there. He had to get to the point where he came home and went straight to bed before he believed it was worth doing something about. Now I am battling to get him to make a psych appt to get off the meds!

Mens mental health is a huuuuge issue. They feel it challenges their very manhood to admit there is a problem. Lots of research being done at the moment but also some great social media campaigns.
There is a black dog animation going around at the moment that is really helpful
but also a good and kinda funny one called 'soften the f** up' that you could show him 'just for a laugh'

You DP is lucky he has someone like you who sounds really understanding and supportive. But it is not an easy place to be, so make sure you are looking after yourself and getting some good emotional support too.

[Kigga]

I don't want it to get to needing to give him an ultimatum but I think about it more and more. There doesn't seem to be any other way. It's hard to because on his good days he's AMAZING, I just want to shake him sometimes though. I just read Soften the F up and I think I might get him to read it, he's not interested in drugs or booze thankfully but, too expensive and boring and you feel like crap afterwards apparently. I think his escape is the computer. When the internet goes down he paces like a caged panther and gets so mad, is it possible that that could be an addiction similar to those? I just don;t know if I get him to go to the doctor whether I should go with him because he already lies to everyone else about how he's feeling, even the psychologist he can see whenever he wants, or whether that would just make him shut up or deny everything I'm saying. His job network lady, who is beautiful and cares so much about him, found out he wasn't studying anymore and he told her it's because he's still sick (he didn't go one week because of the flu and never went again, that was 4 months ago) and she accepted that and said she thinks there's been some miscommunication between uni and them and that they didn;t know he was doing correspondence, which he's not. He has people reaching out and wanting to help him and he doesn't want anything to do with them

[diannescruffy]

I've also given DH an ultimatum and wouldn't hesitate to give it again when needed, mental health issues affect the whole family not just the person involved.

Regards,
Dianne

[Jo-O]

Kigga,

I could have written your exact thread 18 months ago about my DH.
Like JlIegh29, I also had to give him the ultimatum before he would do anything about it.
He has since been diagnosed with Clinical Depression and an Anxiety Disorder.
He is on meds and has been seeing a councellor for over 12 months now and is sooo much better, still a long way to go, but his moods with me, the kids and just everyday life in general are so much better.

I know an ultimatum is such a hard thing to do, especially to someone you love, but in the end sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind.

My very best wishes for you and your families future.
I hope everything turns out OK.

Jo-O