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Thread: PLEASE HELP...very confused!!

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Jun 2010
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    Default PLEASE HELP...very confused!!

    So here goes, i hope i don't upset anyone by writing this, i'm just very confused about my feelings at the moment and i was hoping that you wonderful ladies could share your thoughts and experiences please.!! I've always wanted to be a mum, sure i had a pretty good career but in my life i have always looked forward to having kids and being a sahm. With alot of hard work we have achieved this. We have two beautiful healthy girls, a house, cars etc. We don't struggle but we do go without things that are not basic nesessities. I had always hoped that after having my two that i wouldn't want anymore. But as time goes on i can't help feeling that i'm not finished. Spoke to DH the other day and although he has always said he doesn't want more than two, he said at the end of the day he would be ok not to have more but would also be ok about having one more. The only thing he has asked is that we do it soon if we are going to. His biggest concern is our youngest being the middle child and missing out on our attention, as compared to our first she definately already does. We don't get to spend as much one on one time with her and obviously we both feel bad about this. So here are my worries (trying to be as honest as poss here).
    1. Was put on Zoloft when DD1 was 8mths and breastfed while on this, although the benifits outweighed the risks i still felt bad about this. When we wanted to start trying for number 2 i went off the meds and was fine and happy, fell preg with second and the anxieties, grief that i experienced when dd1 was a baby never resurfaced to the point that i needed meds again..until 4mths ago when we moved it all became too much, i was yelling at the kids and was not being the mother i should be, back on the meds again and feel great. So heres my prob, i worry that i'm not a good mum. I just feel i can't handle my kids and life without meds so should i really be that selfish to want more kids, also i don't think i want to put my unborn child at risk by staying on the meds while preg and bf.
    2. I look forward to being preg, the excitement of it, the looking forward to something, going through labour and birth and breastfeeding again. But i never seem to think past that, its been the same with both of them. I love them both so much but i wonder if this is really about me or them.
    3. Financially we get by with two at the mo, we use alot of hand me downs so apart from food and nappies theres not much expense. But i worry as they get older we are going to find it really hard financially.
    4. I wanted to wait a bit longer to have another just to see if i'll get past this feeling, but i'm worried about having a big age gap between 2 & 3 as then i might think i'll need number 4 to have someone for number 3 to play with. And with DH putting the pressure on by wanting one sooner, i worry that i'm going to make a mistake and would've been ok not having more in the end..Will i ever want to stop!!
    5. We have such healthy children, they sleep well and eat well but what if the next one isn't this way.
    6. DH says he is ok either way, but i distinctly remember him saying on many occasions when DD2 was a baby - NO MORE KIDS!! What happens if he resents me, we have a great marriage. I asked him about this but he said that would never happen, but i can't help but worry.
    7. We have two girls, i always wanted boys. But now it doesn't really worry me either way. However i still can't help but think i'll be upset if we don't have a boy. i know thats confusing and horrible but its how i feel.
    Anyway thats my head talking, my heart still keeps telling me i'm not done. What do i do, i'm definately going to keep mulling all this over for at least the next few months. But at the end of the day i just feel selfish, very very selfish. Thankyou for reading i know its long but i just needed to tell someone how i'm feeling.


  2. #2

    Join Date
    Apr 2009
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    Oh hun you do have a lot on your mind don't you?

    Firstly, WRT your depression & anxiety & meds - you are not a bad mum for needing meds. I have in the past (many times) and more than likely will in the future, so have many other mums. It might not be ideal, and I try to avoid it if I can but experience has taught me that if you need 'em, you need 'em - and by not seeking treatment or doing what you need to for YOU, you are not being fair to you or to your family, KWIM?
    So maybe you wouldn't need them, or maybe you could talk to your doctor about something that is safe to take while PG & BFing. Also as an aside have you tried counselling? It might help a bit to have a bit of support.
    And please, please do not feel bad. I went through a stage where I was a bit 'woe is me, I can't cope without meds, ahhh this is the rest of my life!' and over time I have turned it around and gone well, if we have a physical ailment that we need meds for it's ok - for me, this is the same. I think that some people just need a reset every now & again, at least that 's how it is for me.
    Hope that makes sense.

    secondly, I totally understand what you mean about the excitement of being PG & having a new baby. And that's normal I think, but it is worth asking if that's the biggest reason for wanting anopther. Do you have a gap to fill in your life? Would something else to look forward to help fill it, or does it have to be a baby? They are questions I have asked myself before too (and FWIW I have come up with different answers at different times).

    As for money, well, you manage - but I can't say it doesn't make it a bit harder.

    Age gaps - although I desperately wanted a fourth I had agreed with DH that three was enough. When she came along anyway there was a 7 year gap between her & my youngest (and 14 years between her & my oldest!) - and you know what, it's an awesome age gap, not one I would have chosen but it's brilliant, they all adore her, there's no jealousy & they all play with her, yadda yadda.
    It's not always a bad thing. Take your time & figure out what you want.
    Trust your DH when he says he won't resent you. You can only take what your he says at face value.

    You have such a lot to sort through in your mind & I wish you the best with it.

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Jul 2006
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    I have moved this to Families and Relationships.

    Hun, there are a lot of things to consider there. I think at the end of the day there is no "right answer". Sometimes you just have to go with your instinct and heart. There are advantages to having just two. There are also disadvantages. The same with having three. And really, I think any situation is what you make it to a certain extent. I'm not sure this has helped, but I guess I'm trying to say that maybe you are overthinking things and that deep down you already know what to do

  4. #4

    Join Date
    Jun 2010
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    qld
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    Thankyou very much Fleur and Mantaray. Your words and thoughts are very much appreciated. I have had councilling before and i was wondering if i should talk to someone to help me work out what it is that i'm searching for. I have often wondered if it is something missing in my life, and i definately need to do some more things for myself. However i always feel so bad asking anyone to help out especially if its something not important, like doctor visits etc. I think i'll keep thinking about it all and talking to DH, but writing it down has definately helped me already.

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