So here goes, i hope i don't upset anyone by writing this, i'm just very confused about my feelings at the moment and i was hoping that you wonderful ladies could share your thoughts and experiences please.!! I've always wanted to be a mum, sure i had a pretty good career but in my life i have always looked forward to having kids and being a sahm. With alot of hard work we have achieved this. We have two beautiful healthy girls, a house, cars etc. We don't struggle but we do go without things that are not basic nesessities. I had always hoped that after having my two that i wouldn't want anymore. But as time goes on i can't help feeling that i'm not finished. Spoke to DH the other day and although he has always said he doesn't want more than two, he said at the end of the day he would be ok not to have more but would also be ok about having one more. The only thing he has asked is that we do it soon if we are going to. His biggest concern is our youngest being the middle child and missing out on our attention, as compared to our first she definately already does. We don't get to spend as much one on one time with her and obviously we both feel bad about this. So here are my worries (trying to be as honest as poss here).
1. Was put on Zoloft when DD1 was 8mths and breastfed while on this, although the benifits outweighed the risks i still felt bad about this. When we wanted to start trying for number 2 i went off the meds and was fine and happy, fell preg with second and the anxieties, grief that i experienced when dd1 was a baby never resurfaced to the point that i needed meds again..until 4mths ago when we moved it all became too much, i was yelling at the kids and was not being the mother i should be, back on the meds again and feel great. So heres my prob, i worry that i'm not a good mum. I just feel i can't handle my kids and life without meds so should i really be that selfish to want more kids, also i don't think i want to put my unborn child at risk by staying on the meds while preg and bf.
2. I look forward to being preg, the excitement of it, the looking forward to something, going through labour and birth and breastfeeding again. But i never seem to think past that, its been the same with both of them. I love them both so much but i wonder if this is really about me or them.
3. Financially we get by with two at the mo, we use alot of hand me downs so apart from food and nappies theres not much expense. But i worry as they get older we are going to find it really hard financially.
4. I wanted to wait a bit longer to have another just to see if i'll get past this feeling, but i'm worried about having a big age gap between 2 & 3 as then i might think i'll need number 4 to have someone for number 3 to play with. And with DH putting the pressure on by wanting one sooner, i worry that i'm going to make a mistake and would've been ok not having more in the end..Will i ever want to stop!!
5. We have such healthy children, they sleep well and eat well but what if the next one isn't this way.
6. DH says he is ok either way, but i distinctly remember him saying on many occasions when DD2 was a baby - NO MORE KIDS!! What happens if he resents me, we have a great marriage. I asked him about this but he said that would never happen, but i can't help but worry.
7. We have two girls, i always wanted boys. But now it doesn't really worry me either way. However i still can't help but think i'll be upset if we don't have a boy. i know thats confusing and horrible but its how i feel.
Anyway thats my head talking, my heart still keeps telling me i'm not done. What do i do, i'm definately going to keep mulling all this over for at least the next few months. But at the end of the day i just feel selfish, very very selfish. Thankyou for reading i know its long but i just needed to tell someone how i'm feeling.