The right age to explain?

[Fleur]

My father & stepmother were in a very similar situation and it was always an open topic, never hidden or anything that had to be 'sat down' & explained. I can't remember exactly how they dealt with it, I was too young but I know it was something my sister knew from very early on.

My DH came along when my DD was 11 months old. We explained it to her as early as she was able to understand and it's never been an issue.

I think when they start asking questions about where babies come from is a great opportunity to explain (after whatever other explanation you choose to give ) that there's more than one definition of a father or mother.

For example, what we told DD was that some daddies are daddies because they help to make the babies, others are daddies who live with you and love you.

[Gigi]

i have an age appropriate idea.

google "todd parr" (he's an author) and his book about "families".

it's a brightly coloured, naive art style story book, which is all about how families come in different shapes, sizes, colours etc.

it's a great way to INTRODUCE concepts, that you can flesh out later on.

i think it would be a great INTRODUCTION. SOmething to build on, for when you do tell him more.

Maybe see a counsellor that deals with families, children, to get some advice on how and when to tell your DS. Someone that sees young children in this situation on a regular basis.

in my city, there is a program called iKids, that is where i would ask for this kind of help. (they help young children dealing with separation issues).

[Missy86]

Hi ladies,
Just checking in. My DH and my self have decided that we will tell him. We just haven't yet as he has been unwell. So in the next couple of days we are going to let him know, leave it open for discussion, but not push it either
Thanks to everyone who helped me in this situation xx

[Gigi]

good luck with it all Missy, hope it goes well.

[lil_chookie]

As a mother of an adopted child my advice would be to tell him now, its never too early to start talking about it.

[Cass72]

Hello Missy

I was in a similar situation to you.

When I was pg, my then partner decided that he "wasn't ready to be a father". To cut a very long story short: he made the decision to leave our lives when I was 4 months pg. When DS1 was born, I called to advise him. He still wasn't interested. I told him that was fine but that I wanted a promise from him that if DS1 ever wanted to know who he was he wouldn't deny him. I held him to that promise when DS1 turned 5 and finally met him. It was priceless! My little man was trying so hard to connect but it was like he realised that they had nothing in common and he was the one trying to let his father down gently. They haven't had any contact since and neither party is disappointed with the outcome.

I never actually told DS1 about his father until he asked me (he was around 4 at the time). He knew that he didn't have a "father" and he knew that other children had them he just accepted our life the way it was. I told him the facts without emotion on my behalf. I didn't want him to pick up on any anger/hurt that I might inadvertently pass onto him and colour his judgement. I didn't feel the need to shower him with extra "your so special's" - he already knew that he was special and that he was the centre of my life. He was loved by all his family and that was all that mattered.

I realise that your situation is quite different but don't underestimate him.

You could try to initiate conversation with him by showing him pictures of you before you met DH and then maybe point to your tummy and say that he was there already???? Um, maybe then you could say how happy DH was to find out that he not only met you but that he also got DS. He might go away and think about it before barraging you with questions.

Good luck!!!

You are absolutely right when you say that he has a right to know. I think the younger he is the easier it will be for him - kids are amazing.