Something serious - what should I do?

[Trillian]

You would say that after they have been reported, but would you say it to them if they were posting to say that it had happened? Just because you have their child's interest at heart? The next time someone posts on here saying that their child escaped from them and someone returned them, would you say to that person "You should be reported to DOCs just so they can make sure things are OK"?

[peanutter]

I understand that this might have been an isolated event, and yes, I would imagine the parents probably were beside themselves ... but:-

(a) weighing up the risks/benefits, I would prefer that I report it to DOCS/police and possibly cause a little humiliation if it was an isolated event, than risk being a umpteenth person to see them escaping, and not do anything ... in my eyes, the potential risk to the child far outweighs the embarassment/upset/inconvenience to the parent; and

(b) if my child was missing and had been missing long enough to toddle 1km away, I would imagine that *I* would have already called the police, and if possible, I or my DH would already be out looking frantically.

The village element is great - but in a true village, would the child have got a whole kilometer away in the 'burbs without anyone else having already stepped in and safeguarded the child?

In my opinion, the village model is actually working well when complete stranger A tells complete stranger B that they saw a wandering child, stranger B races off to find them, helps them get home, and then stranger B's partner asks her friends what they would do next ... and when those friends are able to clearly, respectfully and thoroughly explain their differences of opinion of what should be done.



FWIW: I actually had someone report us to DOCS once, when we were foster carers ... one girl who lived with us was going around her school asking for money for breakfast, lunch and snacks, saying that her nasty foster carers didn't feed her, and wouldn't give her money. Natually, the school was concerned, and so contacted DHS. DHS linked in with us directly, and via the foster agency - they came over, checked out our kitchen and pantry, and found that what she was saying was rubbish ... there was plenty of food, she got pocket money too, and as far as we were aware, she left the house every morning with a packed lunch (ham and salad sandwiches, fruit, museli bars etc). But she just assumedly preferred the chips and pies available at the school canteen!

I was embarassed - of course. I was unhappy - of course. But the possibility of there being any truth to the claim was more important than my feelings. I held absolutely no issue with the teacher/other parents/whoever made the initial report. Could they have just called me and asked what was going on? Yes - but they wouldn't have known if I was telling the truth. I think they did the right thing.

[Phteven]

Reporting isn't judging the parents - it's notifying people about a strange incident. The people you notify will be in a better position to know if it is a harmless one off or part of a pattern.
If it is the only report they ever receive it is likely they won't even go as far as visiting the home.

[peanutter]

You would say that after they have been reported, but would you say it to them if they were posting to say that it had happened? Just because you have their child's interest at heart? The next time someone posts on here saying that their child escaped from them and someone returned them, would you say to that person "You should be reported to DOCs just so they can make sure things are OK"?

I think that's a different question.

I think the question here, is whether in a situation where all you know about this family is that a toddler was alone and lost and confused a kilometer away from home. What should you do? And specifically, should you alert the police/DOCS to the occurance?

Clearly, some people think yes - so if there is a pattern or other points of concern, the powers that be can make enquiries, and if it's an isolated event, it can be treated as such - and some people think no - this might be the only time it's happened, and there's no need to step in.

That is very different from hearing from someone you know telling you that there was an isolated event, they were beside themselves, but their child is now safe at home. You have more information, and therefore would base your decision on the total amount of information available.

[Beatrix]

That is very different from hearing from someone you know telling you that there was an isolated event, they were beside themselves, but their child is now safe at home. You have more information, and therefore would base your decision on the total amount of information available.

Op said in a earlier post she has lived their since child was born and nothing has happened that she was aware of.....

[Bella29]

I think you should also take into account before you decide one way of another, what the childs basic appearance was. ie was he really dirty or smelly, not just the kind that you get from playing in the garden, but from being neglected? Did he have any bruising? Was he otherwise a healthy happy looking child, or was he really timid and scared looking?? There are lots of secondary signs of abuse that might have triggered you DH's concern or if he thinks about it might reassure him that actually the kid looked well loved and cared for.

Personally I would just pop in and say hello and let them know that you were worried and just wanted to let them know that you will keep an eye out for him if he is a bit of an escape artist. You are neighbours after all and that is what good neighbours do without interfereing too much. You might have a second chance to say hello to the little one and just offer to help out in case of them needing support. My DH had an emergency the other day with his eyes after he had laser surgery and he needed to be rushed back to the dr, that of course happened when DD was asleep and my 3yo little brother had been dropped off by my dad and the plumber had arrived. So I went to a neighbours and asked for some support. It wasn't ideal but I know my neighbours cos we are a close knit street and it was great to have the support. Maybe you could establish the same kind of relationships in your street just by reaching out??

[Trillian]

In my opinion, the village model is actually working well when complete stranger A tells complete stranger B that they saw a wandering child, stranger B races off to find them, helps them get home, and then stranger B's partner asks her friends what they would do next ... and when those friends are able to clearly, respectfully and thoroughly explain their differences of opinion of what should be done.

And then that 'village' contemplates dobbing you in to DOCs instead of trying to make you a part of the village. Nice!

Look, I get what you're all trying to say and I respect that you have your opinions and and motives for thinking that is the best thing to do. But I have been in forum land for long enough to know that 1, things like this happen and 2, that we would be all horrified that someone reported us to DOCs or thinks that we should be if it happened to us. I can't help but think what the members who are reading this are thinking and how they must be feeling if it has happened to them to know that some of you would have them reported to DOCs in a heartbeat. Building a village is about building trust, and this family wont be able to trust anyone if they get an anonymous report to DOCs.

[Maruschke]

Building a village is about building trust, and this family wont be able to trust anyone if they get an anonymous report to DOCs.

If I were the parent, I would assume that the anonymous reporter was the parent who dropped my child off. Pretty obvious? It wouldn't be comfortable in our little neighbourhood, that's for sure.

[Smoke Jaguar]

I'm in two minds.
Normally I'd say reporting to DoCS is taking it too far.
In this case I would be inclined towards reporting as equally as not reporting and checking on the neighbours. This is because I would also be concerned to get DH in the clear about the car thing - if you report, then you get to state what happened on your terms, explaining how a neighbours semi-naked child ended up in your car. Unfortunately, if someone saw this and something else happens in the neighbourhood, this innocent and life-saving action your DH took could really go against him if he weren't prepared for it. You could even explain that to DoCS and I would hope it would inform and shape their approach to the family.
For the reasons Trillian gives I would also be disinclined to call authorities. I don't know your neighbourhood, and if someone in my neighbourhood reported us I would be absolutely horrified because we're friends with everyone on the road and we all take a vested interested in each others' kids! It's the nature of our district. A suburban setting is another kettle of fish all together.
Your DH did the right thing and it would be of benefit to cover yourselves (I hate thinking this way, but if they do retaliate, or someone else reports having only seen a kid getting into a car the scenario becomes worse for you guys and your family than does a one-off check by DoCS).
At the same time, I'd suggest going over and checking on them, saying you've been worried all day about the child and if he had been afraid - make it about the child first. Mention that other neighbours saw it happen and let you know about it - that way it spreads the net of who could have reported it.
Not sure how brave you are, and another possibility here is letting them know that you have reported it just with the intention of clarifiying why a child was in a neighbour's car without the parents' consent, and that it was to protect yourselves. A much braver move than going over after reporting, mentioning other witnesses and coming out as the good guy...which he WAS!!

[Cassius2]

having been in this situation seeing a kid playing on train tracks...

got the kid off the tracks and called the police. i didnt know where he lived. if he was running away etc.

how can you even be sure that the person that you gave the child to was his parent?

I'm sorry, but i would feel very very uncomfortable about handing over a child that i have never seen before to a random person 1km away from where we found them.

the police can deal with this quite effectively.

On the flipside, if it were my child that was missing, i would much prefer the police to return them than a random guy who could of done anything ITMS. it was great of your DH to do that for the toddler, but best to keep things traceable.

[Phteven]

I think that lots of people would have contacted the police if they found themselves in your DF's position.

[peanutter]

I think that lots of people would have contacted the police if they found themselves in your DF's position.

and there's a policeman in the village people, so it's ok

[aussienic]

First up. Glad the boy was found by someone who was caring

Another story. My friend has a child with autism when he was 2 she was out taking her older child to something. A lady saw this boy wandering up the middle of the road in a nappy and it was pouring rain. The dad hadn't even realized he had gone. Anyways long story sort of made short. Lady found the house. Returned the child but then felt a little uneasy as he dad didn't show any emotion so she went back to the house and asked to see a picture of the boy with his dad and explained that while it might seem odd she just needed to know she did the right thing

The mother of the child was so gratefull that a complete stranger would go out of her way.

I would maybe keep an eye on the place to make sure you see nothing untoward and if you feel like something is not right then report it.

[Beatrix]

and there's a policeman in the village people, so it's ok

Really low below the belt sarcastic post

Rude and uncalled for

[fionas]

I would definitely report it.

I would definitely not check on the parents. I think that may be opening a whole new can of worms, like trying to the assessment yourself.

It is DOCS job to assess the situation, not ours.

At the end of the day, the fact is that a young child has got out of his house and been wandering around. That's not safe. We all stuff up, if that happened to my child and DOCS turned up, I'd say yes, and here are the extra measures I've taken since then or, "I have no idea what else we can do, give me some ideas."

[little_O]

I think this is a tough one.

I know what you mean about a struggle within yourself with it. i wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about it either! Thinking from the point of view of the mother whose child went wandering, i would have been out of my mind that a) my child was gone and i didn’t know, or did and was panicking and b) a man i didn’t know dropped him off. I cant quite understand the father's reaction, but like others have said men can show emotions in ways a woman wouldn’t think normal. But still i would have thought there would have been SOME relief!

I do personally find it disturbing that a little toddler had wandered that far by themself, wasn't scared of a strange man and wasn’t received well back at home. But, again like others mentioned we don’t know what the family is like.

If it was my child i would have hoped someone would have contacted the police straight away, and made sure the police got there and all was safe. I think your DF has done what any father would think of and try and get them back. Its just in this day and age, and in cities, anything could happen.

Hun, i think you need to trust your gut on this one. As a woman and mother you have a pretty good sense when something is wrong or right, even when you cant explain it. Its a woman's sense. You think if it was your child how would you want it handled and would it bother you if the police rocked up after to check if your baby was fine because a concerned neighbour was worried because they'd seen them walking by themself? I personally wouldn’t be offended, just glad that i don’t have psycho neighbours!

But you know the facts of what was seen/heard etc and i haven’t so you do what you feel.


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[Boo Boo]

I think we have all given the op something to think about and whatever way you go, it will be right decision. I think you know in your heart how the family situation looked to you/DH.

On the flip side, a girlfriend of mine who is actually a policewoman had her three year old son 'escape' from her house, cross roads and end up a fair way from home, two ladies found him and bought him home...my friend had rung 000 and reported it, so it seems these incidents can happen to anyone at anytime.

[MrsFabuloso]

I haven't read all relies, so I might be repeating, but...

I would rather report and be wrong, than leave a child in danger of neglect or abuse. The children are the innocents in this picture. The parents whether they be at fault or not, should be able to deal with the consequences.