Love and hugs. What a horrible thing to happen.

My uncle passed away very young from brain tumours (would have been early to mid 30s) and my parents just decided that (as we knew him well, but weren't especially close) they (my parents) would visit, but the kids wouldn't. We were all under 10yrs old, and they just decided that the oncology ward wasn't the place for us to be, in the interests of us, and him, and the other patients, other patients' their families, and the staff.

If it was our grandparents - who we were very close to - I think they would have brought us one or two at a time anyway.

In terms of support, all I can say is figure out what you can really commit to long term. Lots of people help and comfort when the news lands, and then when the person departs - but so many wane in interest in the middle, and it's just as hard and horrible then.

So my suggestion is to ask them outright what the need, what would help (a meal once a week so there's something for them to eat after the hospital, a coffee and chat or phonecall to debrief, help organising travel, help to find out from him what funeral arrangements he wants (a bit morbid, but practical, if he is likely to have specific desires he hasn't thought through or communicated yet), help organising someone to come do a will and/or medical/general power of attorney (again, if he doesn't have one yet) or whatever.

Ask outright if there's anything specific they need done that you can help with, but more so what longer term things they might like to know you can do from now for the indefinite future - if and only if you think you can commit to something.

So I know that my dad would really like to know that on every other Tuesday, I will 100% be sure to come over after dinner, to talk. He likes to talk, he thinks things through while talking, and that would be helpful to him. For my mum, she would like to know that 100% someone will be at her door at 6pm to take her to the hospital to visit, and she can pick whether they come in with her, or whether they read in the car until she's going to go home. When my grandfather was declining in hospital, his 100% thing was the newspaper. So there might be something that they would like to know he's getting regularly - a weekly care package with a magazine, some fruit and a puzzle or something ... ?

Ask them for some general ideas, and then figure out what you as a family can commit to - knowing this could be for a few months, or a few years.

But big hug and much love as you figure your way through this.


Also, what can we do to support the IL's? They have given so much to help him over the years, even when he has treated them worse than dirt they have never stopped helping him as much as they could and held hope that eventually he could live some sort of normal life. With the diagnoses they are just shattered. They are such good people. Is there anything I can do to help them as they face losing their child?