This time Im doing it. Really.

**~clover~** · November 28th, 2013, 03:36 PM

Ok, this is MY situation, but this is how I did it.

I moved interstate. He tried to tell me before I left that I couldn't go til we'd been to court. Bull****. I found out my rights. He can't stop me leaving, but he can apply for a recovery order, which would mean I'd be forced to move back.

1, my ex didn't care enough to bother
2, when I spoke to the police here about that, he said the chances of the recovery order being approved were very unlikely, because ex knew we were leaving & let us go. A recovery order is only if you disappear as far as the sergeant here explained to me.
3, the longer they leave it to apply for a recovery order, the better your chances are of staying where you are, as your kids begin to make a life there. But you have to take into account what might happen if he were to take you to court. If you get the OK to stay, you might be up for full costs of travel for the kids to keep up a relationship with their father. Travel interstate isn't cheap.

Knowing whether or not to apply for full custody is the hard part. If you go to court, & there are orders put in place, you can't leave & have to stick to those orders. But you're securing your guardianship of the kids.
If you don't go to court, there are no orders in place, so you can go where ever you like, but as mentioned, he CAN walk in & take your children as he has equal rights. This is when YOU'D apply for a recovery order.

Its a lot to think about. Its impossible to know what's the right thing to do. I got lucky, my ex didn't particularly care, had no idea & was too lazy to bother finding out.
Not sure what it is in QLD, but DoCS/DCP can help with these situations. I used them when I left ex 5 years ago. I did go back

but they still helped. They hired a trailer for me to move my things.

**beansbeans!** · November 28th, 2013, 04:08 PM

Calluna!
I am reading along, keeping you in my thoughts, and am here if you ever need an ear.
I know the decision you are making is huge, I also know that you are strong enough to handle it.

**Calluna** · November 28th, 2013, 06:53 PM

Thanks Clover

Thanks Beans

**beansbeans!** · November 28th, 2013, 07:13 PM

Calluna, can you move in with your mum for interim?

**~clover~** · November 28th, 2013, 07:39 PM

That's pretty much how ex was. The first 3 months were hell. I feared for my life & he was on the other side of the country. He kept saying 'you won't be so tough when I'm on your door step'
Then he got a gf & used her to get at me. Not long after he was telling me she was pregnant, when she wasn't, but he didn't contact me nearly as much. He still tried to get info out of the kids about what I'd been up too.

It took 6 months for him to leave me alone & he still likes to give me as much as he can, when ever he can. 2 years later he STILL tells me 'she's 10 times the woman you are' when there's an argument about something

But I really don't care anymore.

He calls every 3-6 weeks. Makes promises to the kids & doesn't follow through. It's pretty sad.

He now has another child who's just 3 months old & has been with his mother for 3 weeks...

I think starting out with your mum might be a good idea. She can keep you strong when you start to think about giving in. Those first few months are really hard.

**Calluna** · November 28th, 2013, 08:10 PM

One of my biggest barriers is that I cant drive. My Mum has room at her new place but there is no public transport nearby. I was thinking of trialing a visit to her next week to see if I can manage it but she is at the top of a step hill so Im not to hopeful.

**beansbeans!** · November 28th, 2013, 08:36 PM

Where there's a will there's a way.. Perhaps go and stay with her for a visit, perhaps go Sunday/Monday or Friday/Saturday so you can work out what's around public transport wise on both weekday and weekend? Although I'm sure you are well versed when it comes to public transport, it can't hurt to explore.

**Calluna** · November 28th, 2013, 11:07 PM

I usually have her at my place on tuesdays so this coming tues im going to try going down there. Its going to take nearly 2hrs to get there :/ oh well. It will be worth it to scope it out. Might see how Im feeling and break the news to her. Although Id rather wait until ive left so she doesnt worry about me - she is prone to worry over things that would be insignificant to most - but I cant do that if Im going to stay with her anyway...

**Swamp princess** · November 29th, 2013, 12:09 AM

When I finally got rid of my ex I got a restraining order to protect myself. As he had acted violently in the past they granted one immediately. It was then stipulated that any contact in regards to DD was to be made through the family courts. He never bothered. I think it was more to do with earning to much to get legal aid and not wanting to pay for a lawyer. When the interim restraining order was up I went back to court and had it extended for 2 more years. Haven't heard from him since. His mother tried a few times. Actually met her for coffee once. But it didn't go so well so I didn't bother.
So while yes he has equal rights to the children. If you have a restraining order against him coming near you and the kids are with you... If he comes close enough to try and take the kids the police won't stop him but they will arrest him for breaching the order.
Also if you make an application at the family courts in certain circumstances it can be heard then and there without the other party present. Especially if the children are at risk or potentially at risk.

**nothing2lose** · November 29th, 2013, 06:05 AM

I usually have her at my place on tuesdays so this coming tues im going to try going down there. Its going to take nearly 2hrs to get there :/ oh well. It will be worth it to scope it out. Might see how Im feeling and break the news to her. Although Id rather wait until ive left so she doesnt worry about me - she is prone to worry over things that would be insignificant to most - but I cant do that if Im going to stay with her anyway...

Im thinking I'll stay in Bris for a while, let DS go to the kindy we (I) chose, and if DF isnt making any effort to keep thier relationship going and I still want to go back to Vic, I will look into it then.
Its much easier and financially better to do it that way. Moving interstate will be exxy. I want to be sure that its the right thing for all of us and we wont be forced back here.

Is there a chance he will apply to the court for contact?? If there is, the court will probably prevent you from moving interstate so best to do it sooner rather than later.

**nothing2lose** · November 29th, 2013, 06:06 AM

I usually have her at my place on tuesdays so this coming tues im going to try going down there. Its going to take nearly 2hrs to get there :/ oh well. It will be worth it to scope it out. Might see how Im feeling and break the news to her. Although Id rather wait until ive left so she doesnt worry about me - she is prone to worry over things that would be insignificant to most - but I cant do that if Im going to stay with her anyway...

Im thinking I'll stay in Bris for a while, let DS go to the kindy we (I) chose, and if DF isnt making any effort to keep thier relationship going and I still want to go back to Vic, I will look into it then.
Its much easier and financially better to do it that way. Moving interstate will be exxy. I want to be sure that its the right thing for all of us and we wont be forced back here.

Is there a chance he will apply to the court for contact?? If there is, the court will probably prevent you from moving interstate so best to do it sooner rather than later.

**Calluna** · November 29th, 2013, 06:53 AM

Thats a good point... bugger. Just when I think I have something worked out...

**ladybirdflies** · November 29th, 2013, 07:12 AM

Calluna- My ex tried to stop me moving 2hours away. We had mediation and could no resolve anything. At the time the advice given to me was to tell him when we planned on going, and to prove that he would still see the children for the same amount of hours per year after I moved. He could try and get a recovery order which would mean I would have to come back. I knew this was the case, but again on advice they said the recovery order might not work considering we had had mediation and I had told him we were going. Do not just disappear in the night Calluna (not sure if you were planning on just letting you know in case) this does not look good on your part. I know you got legal advice, have you contacted Relationships Australia, they are fantastic resource at no cost, and they can provide mediation for both of you if you do not feel safe to tell him that you are moving away on your own, I found this extremely supportive.

I would talk to my mum, even if you feel it would worry her, you need to know how supportive she feels like she could be. Is she up for living with you and helping out. Even though you feel like you have been doing it all alone anyway,(i felt exactly like that too) it is really different when you are actually on your own doing it all. People around you have to say yes to that you can't just assume that they will help, otherwise you build resentment towards each other.

Sounds like you are doing some good ground work for leaving which is fantastic!

**Back2Insanity** · November 30th, 2013, 12:25 PM

Ok. So I spoke to:
- Brisbane Domestic Violence Service; generally pretty unhelpful. Told me Id probably go back to him because he has equal rights to the kids and can come and take them anytime he wants. The police cant/ wont do anything. They may show up if I call them but cant stop him from taking them.
- Legal Aid; who told me that was rubbish (basically) and he can definately NOT take my 7 week old and if he showed up to call the police who would tell him to leave. Especially if he was angry. Someone will call me tomorrow to follow up on some other questions re breastfeeding and my rights to move interstate and getting a care plan and exit plan sorted out.
Gave me a basic list of what I can take with me incl id, tax returns, anything of sentimental value to me, clothes, shoes, blankets, anything the children will need. Keep it minimal until I have somewhere to store things.
- DV Connect; if I need to leave urgently I call them and they will organise transport to anywhere I need to go, or to a hostel or refuge and call the police or ambulance if required. If I go to a hostel or refuge I will be expected to contribute 25% of my income, it is a confidential location that I am not to share with anyone and if I wish to meet friends or see anyone I must do it well away from the hostel. My children would be required to change schools if they attended any.

DV connect in Brisbane are awesome. They helped me escape from abusive relationship. They helped me with counselling and getting PPS and a crisis payment set up. I ended up moving interstate after a month of living in refuge as I couldn't afford rent in Brisbane and had no family support.

**GuardianAngel** · November 30th, 2013, 12:27 PM

good for you! be brave and be true to yourself! no one should have to go through what you have.

**Calluna** · November 30th, 2013, 09:45 PM

Legal aid and DV connect have been fantastic.

Thanks for the encouragement everyone.

Feeling crappy

**danita** · December 1st, 2013, 06:29 AM

Oh hugs Calluna, I've been thinking of you alot lately. I hope you can move sooner rather then later.

**Amity** · December 1st, 2013, 06:40 AM

Your son won't remember it. Mine were 3.4 and 1 when I left. The only thing my eldest remembers was that daddy yells at mummy (thank goodness that's the only thing because the rest of it was massively damaging).

Your children will remember what relationship you are modeling. Be a strong woman and model that