This time Im doing it. Really.

Also possibly stockpile some money a little bit at a time if at all possible. I did this because I knew he would cut me off as quick as possible and it might take time to process centrelink so would need it to bridge the gap. Everything was in his name so it was very easy for him to remove my access.

Took twice to leave for good. There was a lot of shame and guilt. :hug:

You never know what might happen after. I really hope your ex will be co-operative. I know I expected the worst, our relationship was super toxic, things thrown at me and lots of insults, raised voices etc so I never expected him to be reasonable. But when the dust settled and he realised I wasn't coming back, he got into therapy and has been pretty decent. Not perfect but paid child support without fail and not been difficult. Expect the worst but I will be hoping for the best for you, definitely get CSA to collect for you though xx

Have only just come back in after a late lunch.

Sorry hun, I think my post came across harsher than I intended :hug: It's just that you've made such a huge decision, and you're being incredibly brave. Part of the abuse is making you feel guilty about things, he's tried making you guilty about leaving before, and so to have other things to consider that can also make you feel guilty is hard. As tough as it is there are probably a lot of things that need to be forgotten/let go :hug:

I haven't read all the replies, but I have to tell you that you're doing the right thing & for the right reasons.

When I finally pulled my head together & got out, I did the same. I told everyone the reason so I wouldn't turn around & go back. So if I did they'd all be thinking I was silly for doing so. Even if they didn't think that, I thought they would & I needed to think that. I also needed people to understand why I got out & to help me stay out. Rather than the people who keep insisting that we'll 'figure it out'.

It is long & emotional. It took weeks for me to stop freaking out every time I missed a call. Months for him to stop his mind games. It was really hard work to get myself to stop letting him control me. It was all I'd known for so long.

You can do it & you can message me any time you need too xx


Can I ask where the $660 a week came from? When I had 2 kids, I was getting about $500pw with rent assistance. It was a few years ago now & I know parenting payment single has gone up a lot since then, but not sure FTB has gone up that much. It is possible, I don't have 2 kids anymore! I only ask because I really have no idea, but don't want you basing all your plans on this amount if its not what you'll be getting.
Don't forget that even if he doesn't pay you the CSA, your payments will be based on the fact that he should be paying you. So you actually have to tell centrelink if there's non payment, so they can give you your full amount. You can't afford to lose ay extra money.

As a partnered parent, are you entitled to an advance payment for when you are ready to go? Don't forget there is the department of housing to help with bond etc. Under circumstances of DV they can help with more than normal. (In NSW they do anyway, rather than only paying 3 weeks bond, they can pay all 4 weeks, plus your 2 weeks in advance).

As for his threats of suicide. Call him on it. Ex called me, pretended he was crying (maybe he was, who knows), told me to tell the kids he loves them & good bye, etc etc. I said ok, bye & messaged his mum so she knew what was going on. That way if he did, I had done the right thing (even though we both knew he wouldn't).

I also got to the point where I wished he would just drop dead. I was there for a couple of years... haven't quite gotten past that feeling yet.

Its ok Teeki. I took it they way it was intended hun. I meant I know what you mean its just hard to convince myself.

Thanks Clover

How did I miss this :hug: I don't have any advice but please know that we are all behind you :hug:

Missed your edit Clover - its 720 something pf for pps, plus a couple of little supplements putting it at approx 750 pf. Plus about 500 and something pf for family assistance. = 1200 and something pf. I've got it all written down but cant get it out atm. Thats what they told me on the phone when I spoke to the social worker anyway.

Thanks Hestia ♥

I don't know the full situation but just want to add that CL can give an advance payment on your FTB and your PPS. Yes an amount will be taken out of your payment each fortnight but the lump sum will come in handy for bond etc. It's only for women leaving circumstances of DV. From memory it's about $1000 from your PPS to be repaid over ?6 months. And from FTB is a percentage that can be claimed in January and July.
I left a violent relationship many years ago. With three small children, one with special needs. Be brave, be strong and know that you are not alone. Big hugs.

^ You can get that advance any time when you are on PPS, but the OP isn't on PPS yet. You can get an advance on PPP as well, but it depends on how much you get each f/n to how much you can borrow.

There is also the FTB advance if you receive enough. You can get that one in separate lots at any time of year as well now I think. Also up to $1000.

Sorry to clarify further. The advance is for new claimants of PPS when fleeing DV. So basically you apply for PPS and the advance at the same time.

Ok, sorry. I wish I'd known that 2 years ago. Will keep that in mind though if I ever know anyone who needs it.

Thanks girls! Wish they had told me that when I talked to them on the phone.

Im on PPP but not recieving any of it due to DFs income each fortnight. So I'm not sure how much of an advance Id be entitled to.

*hugs* Calluna, it is a big journey and it sounds like you are ready. I wanted to mention Department of Housing, they will be able to give you 75% of your bond. You will also get discounts on electricity, free car rego and tell your banks as you will also have no monthly charges on the accounts, this all helps in a big way. You can so an online calculation for Child support as well.


Go Well xx

Ok. So I spoke to:
- Brisbane Domestic Violence Service; generally pretty unhelpful. Told me Id probably go back to him because he has equal rights to the kids and can come and take them anytime he wants. The police cant/ wont do anything. They may show up if I call them but cant stop him from taking them.
- Legal Aid; who told me that was rubbish (basically) and he can definately NOT take my 7 week old and if he showed up to call the police who would tell him to leave. Especially if he was angry. Someone will call me tomorrow to follow up on some other questions re breastfeeding and my rights to move interstate and getting a care plan and exit plan sorted out.
Gave me a basic list of what I can take with me incl id, tax returns, anything of sentimental value to me, clothes, shoes, blankets, anything the children will need. Keep it minimal until I have somewhere to store things.
- DV Connect; if I need to leave urgently I call them and they will organise transport to anywhere I need to go, or to a hostel or refuge and call the police or ambulance if required. If I go to a hostel or refuge I will be expected to contribute 25% of my income, it is a confidential location that I am not to share with anyone and if I wish to meet friends or see anyone I must do it well away from the hostel. My children would be required to change schools if they attended any.

It's a start :hug: sorry the first place was useless.

Ok, this is MY situation, but this is how I did it.

I moved interstate. He tried to tell me before I left that I couldn't go til we'd been to court. Bull****. I found out my rights. He can't stop me leaving, but he can apply for a recovery order, which would mean I'd be forced to move back.

1, my ex didn't care enough to bother
2, when I spoke to the police here about that, he said the chances of the recovery order being approved were very unlikely, because ex knew we were leaving & let us go. A recovery order is only if you disappear as far as the sergeant here explained to me.
3, the longer they leave it to apply for a recovery order, the better your chances are of staying where you are, as your kids begin to make a life there. But you have to take into account what might happen if he were to take you to court. If you get the OK to stay, you might be up for full costs of travel for the kids to keep up a relationship with their father. Travel interstate isn't cheap.

Knowing whether or not to apply for full custody is the hard part. If you go to court, & there are orders put in place, you can't leave & have to stick to those orders. But you're securing your guardianship of the kids.
If you don't go to court, there are no orders in place, so you can go where ever you like, but as mentioned, he CAN walk in & take your children as he has equal rights. This is when YOU'D apply for a recovery order.

:hug: Its a lot to think about. Its impossible to know what's the right thing to do. I got lucky, my ex didn't particularly care, had no idea & was too lazy to bother finding out.
Not sure what it is in QLD, but DoCS/DCP can help with these situations. I used them when I left ex 5 years ago. I did go back :wall: but they still helped. They hired a trailer for me to move my things.

:hug: Calluna!
I am reading along, keeping you in my thoughts, and am here if you ever need an ear.
I know the decision you are making is huge, I also know that you are strong enough to handle it.
:hug:

Thanks Clover

Thanks Beans

Calluna, can you move in with your mum for interim?

That's pretty much how ex was. The first 3 months were hell. I feared for my life & he was on the other side of the country. He kept saying 'you won't be so tough when I'm on your door step'
Then he got a gf & used her to get at me. Not long after he was telling me she was pregnant, when she wasn't, but he didn't contact me nearly as much. He still tried to get info out of the kids about what I'd been up too.

It took 6 months for him to leave me alone & he still likes to give me as much as he can, when ever he can. 2 years later he STILL tells me 'she's 10 times the woman you are' when there's an argument about something :rolleyes: But I really don't care anymore.

He calls every 3-6 weeks. Makes promises to the kids & doesn't follow through. It's pretty sad.

He now has another child who's just 3 months old & has been with his mother for 3 weeks...

I think starting out with your mum might be a good idea. She can keep you strong when you start to think about giving in. Those first few months are really hard.

One of my biggest barriers is that I cant drive. My Mum has room at her new place but there is no public transport nearby. I was thinking of trialing a visit to her next week to see if I can manage it but she is at the top of a step hill so Im not to hopeful.

Where there's a will there's a way.. Perhaps go and stay with her for a visit, perhaps go Sunday/Monday or Friday/Saturday so you can work out what's around public transport wise on both weekday and weekend? Although I'm sure you are well versed when it comes to public transport, it can't hurt to explore.

I usually have her at my place on tuesdays so this coming tues im going to try going down there. Its going to take nearly 2hrs to get there :/ oh well. It will be worth it to scope it out. Might see how Im feeling and break the news to her. Although Id rather wait until ive left so she doesnt worry about me - she is prone to worry over things that would be insignificant to most - but I cant do that if Im going to stay with her anyway...

When I finally got rid of my ex I got a restraining order to protect myself. As he had acted violently in the past they granted one immediately. It was then stipulated that any contact in regards to DD was to be made through the family courts. He never bothered. I think it was more to do with earning to much to get legal aid and not wanting to pay for a lawyer. When the interim restraining order was up I went back to court and had it extended for 2 more years. Haven't heard from him since. His mother tried a few times. Actually met her for coffee once. But it didn't go so well so I didn't bother.
So while yes he has equal rights to the children. If you have a restraining order against him coming near you and the kids are with you... If he comes close enough to try and take the kids the police won't stop him but they will arrest him for breaching the order.
Also if you make an application at the family courts in certain circumstances it can be heard then and there without the other party present. Especially if the children are at risk or potentially at risk.

:

---

I usually have her at my place on tuesdays so this coming tues im going to try going down there. Its going to take nearly 2hrs to get there :/ oh well. It will be worth it to scope it out. Might see how Im feeling and break the news to her. Although Id rather wait until ive left so she doesnt worry about me - she is prone to worry over things that would be insignificant to most - but I cant do that if Im going to stay with her anyway...

Im thinking I'll stay in Bris for a while, let DS go to the kindy we (I) chose, and if DF isnt making any effort to keep thier relationship going and I still want to go back to Vic, I will look into it then.
Its much easier and financially better to do it that way. Moving interstate will be exxy. I want to be sure that its the right thing for all of us and we wont be forced back here.

---

Is there a chance he will apply to the court for contact?? If there is, the court will probably prevent you from moving interstate so best to do it sooner rather than later.

:

---

I usually have her at my place on tuesdays so this coming tues im going to try going down there. Its going to take nearly 2hrs to get there :/ oh well. It will be worth it to scope it out. Might see how Im feeling and break the news to her. Although Id rather wait until ive left so she doesnt worry about me - she is prone to worry over things that would be insignificant to most - but I cant do that if Im going to stay with her anyway...

Im thinking I'll stay in Bris for a while, let DS go to the kindy we (I) chose, and if DF isnt making any effort to keep thier relationship going and I still want to go back to Vic, I will look into it then.
Its much easier and financially better to do it that way. Moving interstate will be exxy. I want to be sure that its the right thing for all of us and we wont be forced back here.

---

Is there a chance he will apply to the court for contact?? If there is, the court will probably prevent you from moving interstate so best to do it sooner rather than later.

Thats a good point... bugger. Just when I think I have something worked out...

Calluna- My ex tried to stop me moving 2hours away. We had mediation and could no resolve anything. At the time the advice given to me was to tell him when we planned on going, and to prove that he would still see the children for the same amount of hours per year after I moved. He could try and get a recovery order which would mean I would have to come back. I knew this was the case, but again on advice they said the recovery order might not work considering we had had mediation and I had told him we were going. Do not just disappear in the night Calluna (not sure if you were planning on just letting you know in case) this does not look good on your part. I know you got legal advice, have you contacted Relationships Australia, they are fantastic resource at no cost, and they can provide mediation for both of you if you do not feel safe to tell him that you are moving away on your own, I found this extremely supportive.

I would talk to my mum, even if you feel it would worry her, you need to know how supportive she feels like she could be. Is she up for living with you and helping out. Even though you feel like you have been doing it all alone anyway,(i felt exactly like that too) it is really different when you are actually on your own doing it all. People around you have to say yes to that you can't just assume that they will help, otherwise you build resentment towards each other.


Sounds like you are doing some good ground work for leaving which is fantastic!

:

---

Ok. So I spoke to:
- Brisbane Domestic Violence Service; generally pretty unhelpful. Told me Id probably go back to him because he has equal rights to the kids and can come and take them anytime he wants. The police cant/ wont do anything. They may show up if I call them but cant stop him from taking them.
- Legal Aid; who told me that was rubbish (basically) and he can definately NOT take my 7 week old and if he showed up to call the police who would tell him to leave. Especially if he was angry. Someone will call me tomorrow to follow up on some other questions re breastfeeding and my rights to move interstate and getting a care plan and exit plan sorted out.
Gave me a basic list of what I can take with me incl id, tax returns, anything of sentimental value to me, clothes, shoes, blankets, anything the children will need. Keep it minimal until I have somewhere to store things.
- DV Connect; if I need to leave urgently I call them and they will organise transport to anywhere I need to go, or to a hostel or refuge and call the police or ambulance if required. If I go to a hostel or refuge I will be expected to contribute 25% of my income, it is a confidential location that I am not to share with anyone and if I wish to meet friends or see anyone I must do it well away from the hostel. My children would be required to change schools if they attended any.

---

DV connect in Brisbane are awesome. They helped me escape from abusive relationship. They helped me with counselling and getting PPS and a crisis payment set up. I ended up moving interstate after a month of living in refuge as I couldn't afford rent in Brisbane and had no family support.

good for you! be brave and be true to yourself! no one should have to go through what you have.

Legal aid and DV connect have been fantastic.

Thanks for the encouragement everyone.

Feeling crappy :(

Oh hugs Calluna, I've been thinking of you alot lately. I hope you can move sooner rather then later.

Your son won't remember it. Mine were 3.4 and 1 when I left. The only thing my eldest remembers was that daddy yells at mummy (thank goodness that's the only thing because the rest of it was massively damaging).

Your children will remember what relationship you are modeling. Be a strong woman and model that :)

Calluna we always have deep intuitions to follow something and then days later question it over and over again, that doubt is the destructive part of us that wants things to stay crappy and the way they are.... we are all here to remind you that your decision was made based on what is best for you all. Perhaps he will be a better daddy and have a better relationship with the children because you leave. He has no reason to stand up and be his best at the moment.

Stay with the hope and the rising up that you shared in the first few posts...

Told my mum today. She tried to talk me into staying.
"Oh but it's a lovely house and the kitchens nearly finished"
"Have you thought about trying relationship counselling?"
"You should wait until after christmas. What will people think? Theyll all be talking about how you left him at christmas"
"Its not like it's physical abuse."
"Have you really thought this through?"

Thanks for the support mum.

And she cant understand why I wont stay with her despite me explaining he could get really nasty and I don't want her or her property to be harmed. And that its safer for the children too because if he knows where I am he can come and take the kids.

Shes so... urgh... 3 hours of her trying to convince me stay..

That's awful Calluna :hug: Has she not seen what it's like? To worry about what people will say instead of you and your children's wellbeing is not nice :hug:

Sorry your mum isn't being more supportive :hug: Don't even think about how other people are going to react, the health and happiness of you and your kids are the most important issue here.

I didn't tell my parents for 5 weeks after I'd kicked my ex husband out - not because I was ashamed but because I needed time to feel strong enough to tell people and to 'know' it really was the right decision.

My mum was really shocked as she'd no idea just how bad things were. She still doesn't (and he's been gone 9 years) as it'd upset her knowing what I put up with while we were married.

Good luck with the move xx

Plenty of people are under the impression that I took ex's kids away from him & that I won't let him see them. I took them to the other side of the country. Took my kids away from a loving father & a happy home as far as anyone he's spoken too knows.

Thankfully, the people who matter to me know the truth. Only my closest friend knows the full story, because he often showed his true colours in front of her. My mum didn't really question it. I packed up & drove to IL's place with the intention of us all moving here together. I called my mum & said I was going alone. They were worried... my pop packed up his caravan ready to meet me in the middle of the Nullarbor if I needed him. Not one of them knew my reasons for leaving at that point.

That was early January 2012. It was April that year when mum & dad came over that I told her I found out he'd been cheating. And slowly other little things have come out as life has gone on. That he was controlling etc. I have not, & probably never will tell them what really went on.

Tell your mum you need her support. I think she's just a bit old fashioned. Give her some time. My parents are similar. I left ex a few times before, but they did things to make staying away difficult. They are old fashioned. But the know better now.

Plenty of people are under the impression that I took ex's kids away from him & that I won't let him see them. I took them to the other side of the country. Took my kids away from a loving father & a happy home as far as anyone he's spoken too knows.

Thankfully, the people who matter to me know the truth. Only my closest friend knows the full story, because he often showed his true colours in front of her. My mum didn't really question it. I packed up & drove to IL's place with the intention of us all moving here together. I called my mum & said I was going alone. They were worried... my pop packed up his caravan ready to meet me in the middle of the Nullarbor if I needed him. Not one of them knew my reasons for leaving at that point.

That was early January 2012. It was April that year when mum & dad came over that I told her I found out he'd been cheating. And slowly other little things have come out as life has gone on. That he was controlling etc. I have not, & probably never will tell them what really went on.

Tell your mum you need her support. I think she's just a bit old fashioned. Give her some time. My parents are similar. I left ex a few times before, but they did things to make staying away difficult. They are old fashioned. But the know better now.

So its either tomorrow or next Thursday. Im so scared but excited at the same time. I just need to work out how to get the last of my important stuff out.. Yikes!

Going to leave his mum a card and send one to his sister with the money I owe her.

His Mum is in Melbourne for a couple of days so tomorrow would be perfect timing.. but its suddenly here and im scared as hell. What im making a huge mistake? What if I have forgotten something? Argh!