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Thread: Update from granma to be

  1. #1
    Ingdinga Guest

    Default Update from granma to be

    Lucky me I got to spend two weeks with my dd over Christmas - she is beautiful. She is looking forward to finishing full time work - she is extremely tired still has morning noon and night sickness - so like her mum when pregnant - she is also having nose bleeds and fainting - needless to say I spend a fortune on phone calls - just to make sure she is well.
    We spent a couple of days shopping and window shopping and dd still wont allow me to buy any clothing in any colour but white - just have to wait to "chunk" makes his or her appearance.
    A question regarding hwlping out after the birth - I had planned on going down just prior to the birth and help out and then leave after the birth to stay with my sister and be on call if she should need some help or just wnat a chance to rest - but I was told this would mkae her feel useless that she couldnt cope - I thought it would be a perfect solution allow her to do what she can and everything she wants but to be there as a back-up if needs be - while she is in hospital the plan is for me to prepare the meals and have them in the freezer to make things a little easier - am I being tooo interferring?
    Thanks for feed back.


  2. #2

    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Australia
    Posts
    8,980

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    Hi Ingdinga,

    Congratulations - it must be a very exciting time for you!

    I get lots of emails about the grandparents role in labour, it is a very sticky topic, so in the main section of the BellyBelly website (I think it could be in the post-natal section), our psychologist Daniel Chable has written up an article. It's more for the new parents but basically explains a few things.

    From general concensus, only one birth support person is often allowed in the labour room - the obvious decision being the father. I believe sometimes this can be negotiated, however being a first labour, many mums-to-be don't particularly like an 'audience' even though you are actually offering support and they know this. Perhaps it is just nerves or they may be self-concious or unsure how they will be in labour - it's an anxious time.

    Just my opinion here and not directed at you - but I would ask your daughter what her wishes are for the labour. I've often heard conflict occuring when the daughter chooses someone other than her own mother for the birth, with the mother feeling hurt and angry that she wasn't the first choice. I can understand a special bond with a mother and soon to be grandmother, but even for me, I felt funny about having anyone there except my husband. It's not that she doesn't love or appreciate you at all!

    What I would have liked is for mum to ask me what she could do that would be most helpful - be it make extra dinners or clean - but as a new mum I just wanted some one on one bonding time with my new baby (I am not saying weeks or days here - just a little time to adjust!). If you let her know you are available to her at any time for anything she needs, she'll really appreciate it, rather than telling her that she will need you, or you'll end up saying, 'I told you so...' I think new mums like to think they can give it their best shot and if trouble props up (of course it will!), mum can be there with open arms (and not criticism because she has to learn for herself too!).

    Maybe you can get some other opinions from grandmothers here but I guess what I am trying to say is that all you can do is ask her what she needs and if she would prefer some space, don't think of that as a brush off or a sign of disrespect - I am sure that I will think different the next time around as too she probably will.

    Good luck!
    Kelly xx

    Creator of BellyBelly.com.au, doula, writer and mother of three amazing children
    Author of Want To Be A Doula? Everything You Need To Know
    Follow me in 2015 as I go Around The World + Kids!
    Forever grateful to my incredible Mod Team and many wonderful members who have been so supportive since 2003.

  3. #3
    Ingdinga Guest

    Default Support

    EEk no way am I going any where near her during the birth it was bad enough dragging her of to the doctors for immunization and holding her screamong every time she needed stitches - nope I will give that pleasure to the new father to be LOL
    My efforts I was hoping to restrict them too - freezing a few meals, making sure the house is clean before she arrives - making her a cuppa and then hopefully fading off into the west - Penrith to stay with my sister until / if needed.
    A comment made by a freind had me worried that my daaughter may habe only been being nice when we talked about things and I suggested this - just wondering what is ok and what is not enough and what is too much
    Take care and have fun

  4. #4

    Default

    Hi Ingdinga

    Having the house clean when I came home was one thing I really wanted and never got !! I don't think my husband realised all the baby stuff was meant to be put away when he brought it home from hospital each night LOL.

    I think freezing meals etc for her is a nice idea. If she doesnt' use them straight away she doesn't use them but they are there if she wants them. The only thing we asked for when I returned home was 2 wks of no visitors so we could get ourselves into a routine and learn how to do things ourselves. Didn't stop the bloody phone calls though and I found it very handy to have mum (who was there with me at Kameron's birth) on the other end of the phone when I needed to ask a question or something.

    love :smt049

  5. #5
    Lightstar Guest

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    I would have loved to be in the delivery room with my daughter, however, she did not want this at all. She felt that it was a special time between the mother and father
    A friend of mine, however was actually in the delivery room with her daughter, along with the babys' father, and she said that it was awesome. and I believe that it would have been.

    My view (which not everyone will agree with of course) is that it must be totally up to the parents, and that grandparents must accept their decision graciously and simply be on hand to offer any support which is needed, when invited to assist

    I am simply happy to be close by and able to hug and kiss both daughter and grandson anytime that I like.......which is very difficult from Adelaide to Canberra LOL

  6. #6

    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Australia
    Posts
    8,980

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    Lightstar,

    What a great attitude you have towards your daughter - sounds wonderful to me. I am sure your daughter will appreciate that very much.

    I know although I felt the same way for my daughter's birth, I think this time I might let mum come along, but will let her know exactly how I feel about the birth and what I would like her to do / not to do while she is there. I think it is important to have as minimal stress at the birth as possible.
    Kelly xx

    Creator of BellyBelly.com.au, doula, writer and mother of three amazing children
    Author of Want To Be A Doula? Everything You Need To Know
    Follow me in 2015 as I go Around The World + Kids!
    Forever grateful to my incredible Mod Team and many wonderful members who have been so supportive since 2003.

  7. #7

    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    395

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    My mum was there for both my sisters when they gave birth (total of five times) but as I'm an hours drive away, I don't think she'll mind that I haven't asked her. Forzen dinners would be lovely, but as we don't have a microwave, probably pointless.

    A clean house would be brilliant too, but our housemate would only mess it up again before I got home, so it's kind of useless. But since mum is a fair way away, (not as far as some but still) she won't be around too much anyway. I hoping DP's parents don't drop in all the time because they have a tendency to nag about things that aren't really apporpriate at the time. The last thing I need is a stressed out DP, because without fail, Brandon alway picks up on that. Even when it's so subtle that I don't notice, there is always a kick in the ribs to let me know DP is upset. Which is fine now, but once his only form of communication is crying, that won't be so nice.

    If your daughter is feeling like you don't think she can deal by herself, let her know you are there for a holiday, and to see your sister as well, but are always there incase of emergancy, or when she just needs an afternoon off. She might think she won't need you now, but will probably appriciate your being nearby when things get too much.

  8. #8
    Lightstar Guest

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    Thank you for those kind words bellybelly :-) I always try to live by what I said.
    On the birth of grandson, I was extremely fortunate to spend the week prior to birth and the five weeks following the birth with my daughter and hubby.
    At that time they were living in Melbourne, and I was in Adelaide, and so I was there with my daughter when she was so big and uncomfortable that all she wanted to do was 'get that baby out of her'
    The night that she went into labour, she came into my bed and stayed with me, until we thought that it was time to ring the hospital. When they told her to wait a littlle while more before coming in, she came back to bed with me, and in the morning she went into her hubby to wake him and give him the news LOL.
    While she was in hospital, I kept her house clean and did the washing and cooking, and when she came home, I was there for them to ask questions if they were unsure, to offer advice when asked, and every evening after dinner, I would go to my room and read so that they had this time to themselves.
    I feel totally blessed that I had this time with them and my beautiful grandson, but believe me I did not want to go home :-(
    When they moved to Adelaide two months later, I was so very happy, and although I live nearly 1hr away from where they were, I would go and see them as often as I could and for three months, daughter went back to work part time and I babysat from 9.00 'till 4.00 three days a week. Ethan and I had a ball, at the end of each day we were both exhausted but it was the best time I could have.
    Now that they have moved to Canberra, I am likely only to see them once or twice a year, and that is very sad :-(
    I don't know what I am going to do when my son and his fiance start a family, because they live in Cairns, (he is in the Navy)

    Bless Be

  9. #9
    Lightstar Guest

    Default Update on this subject

    Well it is me again, after quite a break from making posts, as my mother has been critically ill, and I was spending 8hr a day in hospital with her, and then went and stayed with her, Until I thought that she could cope without me.
    While her Nan was so sick, my daughter did an early home pregnancy test, so that the good news could be relayed to her Nan, in the hope that it would cheer her and assist in a more speedy recovery.
    Narelle (daughter) is expecting her second babe in January, and she has aleady indicated to me, that she wants me to come to her (Canberra) just prior to birth (as I did last time) and stay for a week or two after, so that I can care for son number 1 and the house as I did the first time.

    Of course It is very hard for me, not being with her so that we can shop and prepare for the birth of my second wonderful grandchild. But I am absolutely over the moon with the pending birth.

    Love and Light

  10. #10

    Default

    Welcome Back Lighstar

    And congratulations to your daughter Narelle on her 2nd pregnancy. I hope all goes smoothly for you.

    Love :smt049

  11. #11
    Lightstar Guest

    Default Thank you AstroLady

    Thank you, AstroLady, it is really great news. My son, however, is having to wait such a long time before he and his fiance can marry and begin their family! Kumi (future daughter in law) is from Japan, and there is such a long drawn out process with immigration to give her permanency. which of course, means they can not marry or even think of beginning their family until this is all settled!
    I have such empathy for those who are in our detention centres, and yet at the same time, I see the difficulty of those whom enter our country legally. My son and fiance` have done everything which is legally necessary, and already over 12mths has gone by, and still they are not able to get on with their lives!
    I am so very happy with his choice, Kumi completes our family and we love her as our own.
    May Gods' love shine upon all of you


    in Love and Light

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