When out today I noticed

[Cherished]

ah I have to giggle about the dinner thing, I ask dh all the time what he wants and he rarely has any clue so I guess it's ok if i know what I feel like because then I always get what I want, but when I'm stuck for ideas it's annoying. Generally though he doesn't ask permission for any purchases when we are out or at home. We have a great budget and we each get 'play money' so he buys whatever he wants and so do I. He will ask my opinion on clothes etc to see if I like them but even then he rarely buys clothes. As far as going out is concerned we both just say I'm ducking down the shops etc but if it's an extended outing either together or separately we will ask each other 1st to see if it'll clash with plans the other may have in mind etc but it's got nothing to do with either person controlling the other. For both of us our family and spending time together is the priority so we usually plan our separate outings for when the other is at work

[Rouge]

I think like anything its best not to keyhole judge. We have no idea what is going on in their relationship at that exact moment iykwim?

And from another perspective DH & I are always subject to keyhold judgements. DH is a generous person, he is very willing to help any of my friends out, drop them off etc. People often say "Poor DH" to me in front of him or even to him and it really annoys him. He feels it's bordering on sexist. Like when people tell him he is a good dad to "look after his kids" he hates that one too. And funnily I cop the same from my friends. If he asks me to do xyz or asks me to make a curry from scratch I do it because I love him and it makes him happy not because I'm chained to the kitchen. And the other thing that makes me laugh about him helping out my friends is that I know if I didn't tell him and they made their own way that he felt was unnecessary he would be mega annoyed WITH ME! I've learnt my lesson before Yes we might not be the norm but some people can be outright rude and bordering on nasty... DH says it's jealousy and compensating for their own short comings in their relationships but that doesn't mean it hurts any less.

[turtleschell]

Hmm.. I think DH is a bit of both. Sometimes he calls me and asks if he can spend $1000 on a watch.. other times, he just buys it and brings it home and I flip out.
Sometimes I tell him to return it and he does.. sometimes he tells me to go to hell.

[*TripleJ*]

well we are pretty much poor so DH has to ask me if he can have something incase we cant afford it but he has gone out and bought very stupid things for a lot of money and i was not impressed
but in saying that he acts like a child sometimes and therefore gets treated like one so ppl probably think this about us when they see u out oops lol

[PumpkinZulu]

DF and I run bigger purchases by each other, like 'What do you think about getting x/y/z?' and we'll either say yes, I would like that, or no, we'll get it in a few weeks when I have worked more shifts. Smaller things, like chocolate bars etc, we don't ask each other for. We're both very good with our money and we both actively play a part in our budgeting, so we always know what we can or can't afford. If I get Subway for lunch, I'll just say, 'I got Subway today', so that way DF knows where that money has gone, same as if he picks up some stuff off of ebay or whatever. But then, we moved in together after 3 months, and our money has always been just that, ours. I'm currently the highest earner in our hoisehold, but I know once I have the baby things will change again. We certainly don't ask each others permission for things, the closest we'll come to that is if we're organising a surprise; 'honey, I'm going to be taking out $300 for your birthday, in case you wonder where that's gone

[Cherished]

Rouge, we are just starting to get something similar now. dh is coming along to my 'parents group' aka mothers group and he has been disappointed the 2 times he hasn't been able to make it, his view is why wouldn't he want to come? He's a parent after all! where are the other dads? he's not the weird one wanting to spend as much time with his family as possible LOL he also wants to look after DS as much as possible and if he was able to right now he'd quit work and do just that full time. We've heard a fair few comments about our care arrangements etc right down to the "oh poor dad changing the nappies" We are like WTF? Heaps of dads change nappies!

[Maruschke]

Well... I ask hubby for permission, not because I need to, but because he is much more aware of our cash flow at the time. I like it this way and I don't care what it looks like to others. Anything over about $10 I'd ask about, but I know I have about $50 a week to buy coffee or lunch here and there...

[Rouge]

Rouge, we are just starting to get something similar now. dh is coming along to my 'parents group' aka mothers group and he has been disappointed the 2 times he hasn't been able to make it, his view is why wouldn't he want to come? He's a parent after all! where are the other dads? he's not the weird one wanting to spend as much time with his family as possible LOL he also wants to look after DS as much as possible and if he was able to right now he'd quit work and do just that full time. We've heard a fair few comments about our care arrangements etc right down to the "oh poor dad changing the nappies" We are like WTF? Heaps of dads change nappies!

Ugh. Nip it in the bud when you can. I wish I did... I was too polite... now it's just rude and annoying!

The irony is the only person who doesn't think it's bad is his mother. Who thinks its great that dads now are more hands on.

[Kazbah]

I find the easiest way to get around that (for us) is that when people ask if Pip's doing X, Y or Z, I just refer them straight to DH - the MCHN kept asking me questions after I said DH was the primary carer, so he just sat next to Pip and I didn't answer anything other than my health concerns with this pregnancy!

[toomanyshoes]

Ugh. Nip it in the bud when you can. I wish I did... I was too polite... now it's just rude and annoying!

The irony is the only person who doesn't think it's bad is his mother. Who thinks its great that dads now are more hands on.

DH's parents went as far as to take a photo of him changing DS nappy because they "couldn't believe it"

Mind you these are the same people that hate me just because DH would rather spend time with his wife and kids on a friday night instead of smoking weed and drinking at his sisters place.

I put it down to the fact all their daughters are single mums so maybe they weren't use to seeing the father help out.

[~Lashes~]

Mind you these are the same people that hate me just because DH would rather spend time with his wife and kids on a friday night instead of smoking weed and drinking at his sisters place.

sounds like you have my MIL and SIL's!!!! and they wonder why when df does visit the kids and i stay home!

[aussienic]

My partner asks me as I would ask him.. I think it is respect..

I handle most of the money ie paying bills and knowing how much is available ect ect.. So I guess DH asks me cus I know if we can afford it or not lol..

I ask cus its just polite to. If I was out on my own I wouldn't call home to ask or anything like that though

[fionas]

There is no way in the world DP would ask me before buying chocolate. DP knows the price of two things that matter the most to him in this world: beer and chocolate and would not ask my permission before buying either.

He would ask before going out, as I would him and would ask before calling someone because he's a complete chatterbox so might be ages on the phone when I might potentially need a hand with the girls.

Like Lulu said, maybe that works in those relationships.

As for dads and mothers groups, DP used to take DD to my mothers group without me. He enjoyed going and came back with far more stories than I ever did when I went. He's far more outgoing than me and thinks it's a hoot to hang around with loads of women. What's not to like?

[Fleur]

Yeah, we always ask each other "you you mind......"
Just out of respect for each other I think.....

Pretty much the same here. And we have each copped a bit of schtick from various people about it, but ...meh... like Lulu said, it works for us. We both consider it a politeness, it's respectful to each other.
And I get the whole 'man' thing - but it goes both ways - I don't think there should be any doormats in a relationship. We will both stand up if we think the other is being unfair. It just doesn't happen very often.

Yes we might not be the norm but some people can be outright rude and bordering on nasty... DH says it's jealousy and compensating for their own short comings in their relationships but that doesn't mean it hurts any less.

That's really sad Rouge I can't understand what on earth other people would have a problem with...gah

[CrazyLady]

we ask each other but that's usually because we need to figure out who checked account last and if we can afford it. If we're having a tight month I will ask DP just out of courtesy to see if he's that worried about it or not. Although I think it's hilarious when he sneaks stuff in the trolley shopping like Halo figurines

[widdly]

XH and I didnt ever ask permission to do anything. But then, our mariage ended in disaster so maybe we should have been asking permission LMAO!

[Mum2Romone]

Great responses

I understand the whole money aspect , but it wasnt aabout money you could tell

I think alot of men think of their wife as a boss, (I hate it when DH calls me BOSS to **** me off)

[CinderToriella]

Great responses

I understand the whole money aspect , but it wasnt aabout money you could tell

I think alot of men think of their wife as a boss, (I hate it when DH calls me BOSS to **** me off)

I really don't think you can tell from people how they act in a shop how their lives work.

DF calls me the Boss, but i find it funny , i do look after and handle the money that is one of my jobs , he never knows how much we have, maybe if we had a little more ofit he would but we are on a tight budget so he does ask me if we can get this or that, he asks out of respect ,to check ,to make sure, as sometimes we can't afford 'fun' things that week at the shop
I have seen people in the shops ask each other aboutbuying things and can honestly not say that i ever thought a man was asking permission as he thought his wife /gf/partner was the boss