Who else has been married to a Narcissist spouse?

[bubno.3]

I was reading the thread on Narcissistic Mums and i was thinking my now ex dh is this and then i looked further and found this from 'Married to a Narcissist and Waiting for the Good Times to Return" By Diane England Ph.D...i read this


When you said your vows, what were you expecting? I suspect if you were like most women, you thought you were entering a partnership. You would enjoy shared power, right?

I bet you’ve discovered something quite different, though. I bet he likes to have power over you, isn’t that so? And to ensure he achieves and maintains this, he might well use emotional abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, and even sexual abuse, too.

The thing is, you might not even realize that your relationship with your narcissistic spouse is filled with these forms of abuse. You might feel badly or experience emotional pain much of the time, but still not understand why. You might well believe your narcissistic spouse when he tells you how you are the problem, and if you just changed and did these things he wanted, well, life would be grand.

For him, that is.

He keeps emotional abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, and sexual abuse in his marital toolbox because they work for him. Meanwhile, you believe that the two of you have a partnership.

Sorry, but a relationship with a narcissist is not about partnership. Those suffering from unhealthy levels of narcissism don’t know what that means. They are self centered. They lack empathy. And more than anything else, they are grandiose. Whether successful or not, they feel entitled to have what they want when they want it.

Rather like the two-year-old.

The narcissistic throw tantrums when they don’t get what they want, too. The difference is, they scream more than how they hate you; those suffering from unhealthy levels of narcissism are inclined to scream obscenities and other hurtful things. All of them help your self esteem to plunge, plus make the anxiety butterflies swirl, wouldn’t you agree?

Let me back up a minute here, though. Perhaps you might want to argue that your spouse has never been diagnosed with any mental health problems, and especially not Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD. Please realize, however, that narcissistic tendencies or narcissistic symptoms can occur in varying degrees. So, someone need not be diagnosable as having full-fledged Narcissistic Personality Disorder to display what you’ll see referred to in various internet articles as unhealthy, pathological, or malignant narcissism. However, even lesser degrees of narcissism can be problematic in your relationship.

I might not have to tell you that. Then again, have you ever suspected your spouse’s emotional abuse and sexual abuse, for example, were associated with pathological levels of narcissism?

So, how many of the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder must your narcissistic spouse meet in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders for you to be the victim of his narcissism—which could be fueling his abuse plus perhaps alcoholism or drug addiction?

Sadly, too often, these all come together in one neatly wrapped package.

But back to the question I originally posed; I really can’t answer it.

What I will say, though, is don’t keep you eyes shut because in the beginning, things were so good between the two of you. You might have believed you had finally met your white knight. You might have been so enamored with him because of the whirlwind romance that included flowers, candlelight dinners, outrageously expensive gifts considering the time you’d been together, and romantic getaways that also included great sex.

No, don’t keep thinking if you can only get it right, or do all the things he asks, those days will probably return.

I rather hate to tell you this, but you’re probably wrong. Oh, he might act that way now and then to keep you hooked in and believing you’re about to rediscover Camelot, but he is only seducing you—again.

A narcissist is like a leopard; he can not change his spots. Okay, he might be able to change if he really wanted to do so. But if you are in love with a narcissist, you need to understand that you’ll likely be seeking counseling on how to leave a narcissist long before he’s inclined to seek help on how to alleviate himself of his narcissistic tendencies.

If you have a narcissistic husband, listen very carefully: Narcissists seduce you with their charm, the romance, and the great sex. Once they have you hooked, things change—and not for the good.

In fact, is the great sex still so great? Or instead, is it about him and his needs and wants? Also, you might feel he has to give a great performance, and you’re always expected to commend him for a job well done, too. And rather than feeling closer to him, instead, have you felt you’ve become more and more merely an object to him?

There is even a chance the great sex has switched over into sexual abuse. Perhaps the transition has been so gradual, however, that you haven’t actually seen the truth about what was happening—or where you have ended up as a result. But if you stop and think about your sexual relationship with your narcissistic spouse, you might realize you’ve been doing things that don’t appeal to you sexually, but only to him. In fact, they might make you feel degraded.

He not only doesn’t bring flowers anymore, but it is probably worse than that. You’d realize that if you got real about your marriage.

Yes, it is probably hardly a relationship in the sense that you define the word. Are you always worrying about what might please or displease him? And to ensure you do neither, do you do things against your personal values?

You probably want to avoid his narcissistic rage. And again, you hope if you’ll only do as he wants, things will be like they were in the early days—when you held hands and made love in a romantic haze.

Again, it is time to get real. That was an act to suck you in. Now, though, if he is walking around being his self centered and grandiose self, engaging in emotional abuse and verbal abuse that causes your self worth to slip away daily, he is nonetheless likely being the man he will continue to be.

If you are codependent, you might well be able to somehow survive the emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and sexual abuse. You might keep telling yourself that the sexual abuse is not sexual abuse because you actually are okay with what he asks of you—as kinky as it perhaps has become.

I suspect you might be shut down and out of touch with your feelings, however. You also might be taking pride in your ability to cope with things you shouldn’t have to cope with anyway. And if that is the case, realize you are not the first and last woman to make this discovery. Frankly, I myself have been there; I took pride in my martyrdom. But really, what’s the sense in that?

I decided I didn’t like being in a relationship with a narcissist. I also knew I never wanted to be in a relationship with one again, though I suspect I met one or two along the path on my way to recovery from codependency.

Your life is yours to live as you please; you have to make your own choices. I suspect, though, that you give your life—and your narcissistic spouse—a good hard look. You might realize you’ve been bonded to a fantasy that was probably never more than that. Meanwhile, you stay stuck loving a narcissist while he serves up a mixture of emotional abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse—and some great times, too—to keep you hooked in and doing exactly what he pleases.

Why should you expect differently? Remember, he is self centered, he is self absorbed, and he lacks empathy. And because of his grandiosity, he feels entitled to do as he pleases. In turn, everyone else is here to serve him and meet his needs.

They must be kept in line and under his thumb.

Yes, these are the spots of the narcissist. And no, they probably will not change. So really, is spending your life loving a narcissist the best use of both your love and your time?

I hope your moving your head back and forth.
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[~clover~]

That was my marriage. Someone said that to me one day, but I never knew much about it. Thats my ex all over...

[bubno.3]

how long was it before you knew 'hang on where did my charming husband go?' and can you pin point a eg of when it changed?

[blessedatlast]

never thought of my ex as this before.. I was always blown away by his lack of empathy.. As soon as I read the lines "Self centred and lacks emapthy" I knew it was him.

[Amity]

I was.

Past tense.

Fortunately.

[~clover~]

Oh way back at the start it all changed. I think about 6 months into the relationship. I was only 17 then though & had no clue.
Took me years to realise there was more to abuse than just hurting someone physically. I think only about 3 or 4 years ago, after reading a DV website.

I still can't understand the selfishness I still struggle every day with the way my life has turned out because of him.

[Frangipani Lou]

That was my ex. I'm a survivor of exactly that type of relationship with an undiagnosed narcissist. Thank goodness I never married him or got pg to him.
I'm blessed to have survived and met my DP and we are 30weeks pg.
There is hope and a much better life than being with a narcissist!!

[diannescruffy]

Sounds like my DH at times.

Regards,
Dianne

[Sopdet]

that is my x too

when did things change - before our marriage

when did I realise - just before we split

Due to him I've been able to identify the behaviours in others and walked away from two potential relationships with a narsissist

[bubno.3]

very interesting as i have as well ... i can pick the ****s and the controlling idiots just by talking to them

[~clover~]

Thats true. I had friends try set me up with someone a few months ago. I never liked him at all. He just rubbed me the wrong way. He was very arrogant (more than ex). They now see why I couldn't stand him.

[Rooey5]

wow, my ex, too! Things changed after DS was born, I realised after I left and was reading up on some of what I had been through. Unfortunately the games continue with him expecting me to bend over backwards to organise DS spending time with him, then accusing me of withholding him if I don't...

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[chrisinus]

Hi!

I really hope that someone is still out there with this posting. I'm still married to a narcissistic hubby and have 3 children. I've been married to him for 28 years and he is classic according to everything I've recently been reading.

He keeps threatening to leave me if I don't do what he says, including sexually. I would dearly love to leave but feel that I'm stuck. If I go, he has told me on numerous occasions that he will leave the country, and leave my children and I penniless. He has stated that he won't pay any child support or anything if he decides to leave (he has no idea I would like this in an ideal world) as he will not be in a country with a reciprocal agreement. My youngest child is disabled and is about to start at a very expensive special school for his disability and, without my husband, I can't afford it and he will suffer greatly as there is very little any state support for his disability.

I'm frightened, sad and alone in this as he appears wonderful to people outside the family. He tells everyone that I am the cause of any problems and uses me as an excuse when he doesn't want to do something at work or personally (my wife doesn't want/like it, etc) so I'm The Big Baddie.

Are there any support groups or anything around where I can talk to someone about it all? I'm in Brisbane and can't find anything on the web. I can find counsellors but I can't afford them as he controls the money and has a good income. I really hope someone out there can give me some advice as I just don't know where to turn.

Thanks in advance to anyone who can give me a few ideas or support.

Chris

[Santosha]

I'm so sorry you're going through this Chris. Good on you for continuing to pursue support and solutions when he has done so much to isolate and intimidate you.

What you are experiencing is emotional abuse, and as such, you would certainly be eligible for the support that is out there for women who experience domestic violence. Most of these services are free or low cost. I'm trying to google to find you a number but for some reason it won't load - I'm not in your state so I don't have the numbers but I'd try googling domestic violence hotline queensland. Hopefully they'll be able to give you some referrals for local services.

Alternatively, lifeline have a database of services and will be able to do a search for you base on your postcode.

Wishing you all the best. Xoxo


ETA: Google has decided to behave. The number for the Women's DV line in QLD is 1800 811 811
Lifeline is 131114

[Rooey5]

Google Our Place forum and Out of the Fog forum, they are both helpful. Sending you lots of hugs and strength! See if you can gain access to the family crisis private thread?

[chrisinus]

Thank you so much Santosha and Rooey 5! I'm overseas at this very second but back home again in January. We've been living here for his work and returning to Brisbane, thank goodness, in January.

I'm in the punishment stage at the moment (I don't know if that's a real thing but it's what I call it). He's punishing me emotionally because I dared to ask him not to wake me up really early in the morning when he knows I'm asleep. He's in the Middle East until next week and wants to tell me everything that he's doing although hasn't once asked about anything our end and it's exhausting trying to be as enthusiastic as possible for him when I feel emotionally worn out and I know that he doesn't really care at all about us and we're just trophies to him. I don't know if that's the right way of explaining it again.

He's told me plenty of times that the only reason he stays with me is because he doesn't like being by himself and if I died he would have to go straight out and find someone else as he doesn't like being alone. That, in its only right, is deeply upsetting but when I tried to express this I was treated as if I just didn't understand that he has a need to always have someone around whatever the circumstances. My immediate thought was that, in a loving relationship, you would be devastated if your partner died and can't even imagine what it would be like, certainly not plan to get a replacement. Again, I was told that I was wrong.

I will call the number you gave, Santosha, the moment I get back and have some freedom as it's a priority for me now as I can't take any more of it. I'm having to organise our return, all the moving, etc as hubby has gone to the Middle East temporarily and is refusing to help. It's hard with 3 children to organise a move back to Oz without any help but I'll get there.

I had a look at the forums you suggested, Rooey5. They look really good and I'm going to register on them. My biggest problem today was that it really upset me when I read other people's stories as they are so brave!!! I wish that I could be like many of them! Some of the others I felt for so much as I totally understood where they were coming from. I can't explain it, but I'm not quite up to reading too much at the moment as I get more upset and I don't want my children to see me as they've noticed enough already.

Must stop as he's online and will want to talk in few seconds. Thanks again!

Chris

[BecauseICan]

Hi!

I really hope that someone is still out there with this posting. I'm still married to a narcissistic hubby and have 3 children. I've been married to him for 28 years and he is classic according to everything I've recently been reading.

He keeps threatening to leave me if I don't do what he says, including sexually. I would dearly love to leave but feel that I'm stuck. If I go, he has told me on numerous occasions that he will leave the country, and leave my children and I penniless. He has stated that he won't pay any child support or anything if he decides to leave (he has no idea I would like this in an ideal world) as he will not be in a country with a reciprocal agreement. My youngest child is disabled and is about to start at a very expensive special school for his disability and, without my husband, I can't afford it and he will suffer greatly as there is very little any state support for his disability.

I'm frightened, sad and alone in this as he appears wonderful to people outside the family. He tells everyone that I am the cause of any problems and uses me as an excuse when he doesn't want to do something at work or personally (my wife doesn't want/like it, etc) so I'm The Big Baddie.

Are there any support groups or anything around where I can talk to someone about it all? I'm in Brisbane and can't find anything on the web. I can find counsellors but I can't afford them as he controls the money and has a good income. I really hope someone out there can give me some advice as I just don't know where to turn.

Thanks in advance to anyone who can give me a few ideas or support.

Chris

[BecauseICan]

Hi

Keep feeling brave, surround yourself with people who care, confide and don't be afraid to lean on them. It takes a lot of courage. I am now 6 weeks into my "Freedom", I spent the first 2 weeks in fear for our lives, hiding with friends, avoiding him. The children were devastated.

I have four children, aged 24, 22, 14 and 11. Each child has suffered terribly at his hands, verbally and physically. In the beginning I was blinded by my love for him, but as the years have taken their toll I have FINALLY woken up. After 17 years trying to get the man back I fell in love with, thus losing myself in the search, it took one very public incident to slap me in the face and realise. The next morning after dropping my boys off at school, I sat facing the beautiful ocean with tears streaming down my face and shouted " TODAY THIS STOPS, TODAY OUR LIVES ARE CHANGING". I then went to work and announced to all my colleagues (who have thought I was nuts to put up with the good looking ********s behaviours for so long) and we all had a group hug and affirmations of support.

It took a further 4 weeks for the end to culminate, ending with my 14 year old getting pinned down and screamed at on his bed and my 22year old daughter stepping in between them.

The next day my daughter orchestrated our "Escape". She took overnight bags, uniforms anything we may need for the next 2 days to a safe house. She organised a spare car key to be left outside (she knew he would never let me leave and would snatch the keys). I picked the boys up and took them to the safe house, drove home and lived the most terrifying half hour of my life. As she had predicted he snatched the keys pushed me around then threatened to set the house on fire and kill himself.

Seems so long ago that short 6 weeks.
Here I am, still smiling, holding the trump cards with confidence. It has been hairy and will probably continue to be. I have my sanity and peace and happiness in my home.

My advice to you which someone else told me is, knowledge is power. Read all you can on NPD and also Borderline Personality disorder,arm yourself with information. Tell people what is going on (dont be ashamed). Go to your doctor and say you are so down beat you need help, ask about him putting you on a mental health plan - it will save you hundreds of dollars. You get 10 sessions almost free.

My eldest son now suffers from severe depression and is showing early signs of NPD, that is enough proof for me that our life continues without my ex.

He begged and told me at weekend how he has accepted his disorder which he has always denied, with such sincere charm I was derailed for a mere 24 hours, until he was seen with a "lady friend" near his parents house where he is staying. Proof to me he will move on quick, I am now back on the tracks and will ignore threats of suicide which is all an act to gain control over me again.

NO MORE, THIS HAS TO END. WE ALL DESERVE HAPPINESS. ALL THEY DO IS SUCK THE LIFE AND THE HAPPINESS OUT! THEY ARE POISON

If you need to talk more you can email or call me, just drop me a line.