I formula fed because I was ill-informed by a paed, who told me DD's green poo was gastro due to lactose intolerance (which it wasn't). I formula fed because I didn't learn how to attach properly. I formula fed because I wasn't experienced and when DD cried when I put her to the boob I thought I had done something wrong, I didn't know it was normal, I didn't know it was part of helping the milk supply grow to her needs. I formula fed because I was not confident enough and I was stressed. I formula fed because by the end of it she was so upset when I put her to the boob because of how stressed I was, how stressed she was, the confusion she had with swapping to the bottle and the immense freedom I felt during that week I bottle fed her "for gastro" I would be lying if I didn't say it wasn't seducing me in the back of my mind telling me how easy it was. Well it wasn't easy when 2 weeks later I looked at my bottle feeding baby and realised all the closeness I was missing out on. Basically? I formula fed because I was secretly looking for an out, of course I wasn't hoping she had gastro, and I didn't listen to my paed because I wanted an out but I'm sure if I think deep down hard enough I was excited about having the break for that week. Had I known it would be in effect the end of our breastfeeding journey I would have said no. I knew I had to own my feelings, without guilt in order to learn and move on. I knew I had to be ok that at that time I wasn't ready for breastfeeding emotionally or mentally. I wasn't ready for the struggle and that's ok. But I was up for the challenge the second time and it was fantastic. I had the best experience. The only thing that sucked was in my experience the negativity towards breastfeeding. I was so proud of my achievement and very rarely did I feel that others shared my joy, instead people assumed that I hated on people who bottle fed... which I never did. I was there once, but no one stopped to ask and were nasty instead. And ironically the hate that others received when bottlefeeding... I never had. Not once. Not even from my pro-breastfeeding SIL. I guess everyone's journey is different and this is my own, but I grew a lot from baby 1 to baby 2 and I am so grateful to those friends and family who spurred me on and supported me when I was down and never ever let me give in to those thoughts that crept into my head at 2 am when I had a screaming baby who would not feed. And thank you to all those friends and family members who never judged me because I chose to bottlefeed.