I had every intention of BF DD for approx 12 mths. (not sure why this 'magic' number) I remember whilst pg & holding other peoples babies, everyone said how 'natural' I would be as a mum. This was repeated to me when I was BF my DD in the hospital bed.

My milk took a little while to come in & I was expressing to try to encourage/increase my supply but remember feeling rather dejected when I could only manage to express approx 2ml at a time. DD was a difficult one to attach too. She would clamp down on my nipples, rather than open her mouth then close over the nipple/areola. I saw a LC in hospital as I was worried but she checked my attachment & said it was fine - she just kept pushing my shoulders down b/c I tended to hunch them up? DD was a large sleeper during the day but would wake constantly at night to the point where I would be BF her for up to an hour at a time, she'd fall asleep on the breast and as soon as I put her in her crib, she would wake & scream. I become very exhausted quickly and was feeling a little overwhelmed. MW's decided it would be best to start topping her up with formula due to weight loss, all the while I was still trying to BF & express. The other thing which I think contributed to deciding on FF DD was the conflicting advice and lack of encouragement and support for BF. Whilst I attended the BF class in hospital prior to DD being born, it is a different story to actually BF! I had some MV's telling me to demand feed, others telling me to feed 3-4 hourly - in the end I was just overwhelmed and getting confused. I also developed mastitis and cracked/bleeding nipples whilst in hospital.

The day I got discharged from hospital, DH & I made a decision to FF DD exclusively. It was the most gut wrenching decision I have made & ended up being referred to a psychologist as they thought I developed PND (turned out I had anxiety issues from my rocky BF experience). I guess from my POV I put far too much pressure on myself to be this 'natural' mum who could do it all and when I fell into difficulty with BF I felt I was failing my DD. I remember for about 4 months after DD was born I went over & over in my head about re-establishing BF but never did it.

I don't feel guilty or like I failed DD now. We did as a family what was best for all of us involved and looking back I wouldn't have changed anything. I think if I had continued to BF I would have possibly developed severe anxiety/PND.

I will definately try to BF my next bubs, but demand more support this time



.