We chose an unknown donor, like Bee, for that reason. I was the booby mum, and Shel was very concerned about being the third wheel WRT parenting, if there was already the mum-dad. I think only because we faced huge hurdles in the family, and if there was the possiblilty for them to stick their heads on the sand and pretend we were happy 'normal' families they would have, and happily pushed Shel to the outer. So unknown worked for us. We are the parents and thats how we wanted to parent.
I think it can absolutely work though, but everyone has to be on the same page. Hopefully some 3+ parent families can come in and give some advice
My friend and her partner opted to go with a known donor to have their daughter. My friend was the birthing mother and her partners brother was the donor. Their little girl is now one and they are happy with the donor playing as much of a role as he wants to. They all live in the same town and he is married with 3 children to his wife. He regularly see's his 'donor daughter' (term my friend uses) at family events etc and is happy to let her mums make all decisions regarding care etc as he see's them as her parents and himself as more the uncle.
Mind you I have to point out this is very much a situation based on great trust and a very close supportive family. It is not one carved in stone and will obviously change as the little girl gets older. I can only suggest that if you go with a known donor have clear ideas and understandings set out before you go ahead with it.
Good luck I hope you are able to work out a parenting situation that works for all of you.
I have seen this work well, and fail. In the case it worked well, the donor already had a family of his own, and was happy to be supportive and loving towards his donor son, without too much influence.
In the case where it all went to hell, so to speak, the donor was a lovely and caring gay male, with no children of his own. He came to see the donor son as 'his son' and became desperately attached, despite initially thinking that this would never be an issue. It was very sad for all involved, ending in the courts. He now has shared custody and it's a pretty hostile and toxic environment whenever all three 'parents' are together...
buliej made some really good points. At least, I would be seeking some legal advice...
There are some parenting decisions that people can feel REALLY strongly about, and it's amazing how much tempers and passions can suddenly flare up...
If you're still on this site I'm interested to hear how you dealt with your issue - as i see your post is from mid '09.
In relation to the 'third wheel' issue - You will both be mums equally. Babies bond with those that nurture them. Mum's bond with those they nurture. By the time baby is even old enough to be thinking about her biological make up, you will have been a family with two equal mums for so long that genetics is only one factor in how your child will relate to you.
Think of all those mums that adopt - Baby doesn't judge the mum that parents them, that loves them and that has been there for them all their lives.
Regarding the role of the donor dad - I'm going down the same path. My partner & I want Baby to have a Dad. We want dad to be our friend first & foremost. Research shows that in gay families the best scenario is when all parents want eachother to be happy. We want dad to feel happy with his role and dad wants us to feel supported but not interfered with. Resolution of issues is made easier when all involved want the best for eachother - and for Baby. The well being of Baby must be the point at which all discussions stem from.
I'd love to hear how others managed this situation.
Personally I haven't been in your situation. But I do believe that families are just what you make of them, they're meant to be about loving people, surrounding and caring for the child, biology and stereotypical family structure isn't all it's cracked up to be
Do what works for you! Your child will know s/he is loved and supported by those in their life, and that's what count the most!
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