Everything you want to know but have been too afraid to ask (about samesex parenting)

[Indadhanu]

It's a hard decision for me to make to give up being a stay at home mum... I guess to me I know how much I love it, I love watching her learn and grow, and I hate the fact that Shel is missing out, I just want her to be able to experience that too, and so does she. It would be hard for me to go to work, but then I think it'd be equally as hard for Shel so I kind of feel really selfish for wanting her to support us all the time and not have this experience with Jazz and other kids when they come along.

[Indadhanu]

Hey! I didn't know you got it for free if you worked for the DF... time for a career change!

PMSL JOKING!

Lea, not sure if I could answer that... maybe yes, but then it'd really suck working for someone just for that if you don't at least like what you're doing so if it is just for free fertility treatment then they would be pretty unsatisfied with their work. So I'd feel sorry for them if that was their motivation.

I have PCOS so our final out of pocket wasn't too severe, but I know of couples who do fork out thousands. Now, I'm pretty unpopular in the lesbian parenting 'circuit' for this opinion BUT i\ll say it anyway because its what I think...
I'm a lesbian, I can't help that, but I do chose to be in a lesbian relationship. I don't chose who I love, but I chose who I have a relationship with. I chose love and happiness, and the reality is we have no sperm between us. I can't be bitter about it, and about the fact that we have to include someone else in our family plans or pay for an unknown donor. I'm personally ok with paying for sperm if it means I am parenting with the woman that I love. I did get a rebate from Medicare, but before we knew that I had PCOS we were prepared to pay the full amount.
(I know that was OT but I thought it might come up so I'll answer it now)

From our FS, we found them a little stand off-ish at first, but I think they are like that to everyone. In the end we were treated as no different, Shel and I both had to sign the agreement, they respected that she was my partner and was treated as my partner every step of the way. In hospital we were treated wonderfully, there was no question at all, we didn't have to ask for recognition, that was just a given. Shel was the one to be with Jazz while I was in recovery, there was never any insinuation that it would be any other way, and on my charts and on Jazz's little record they wrote Shel in automatically. It was fantastic!

PMSL when someone asks "who's the man" I say "neither, we're lesbians"

[*charmalea*]

PMSL when someone asks "who's the man" I say "neither, we're lesbians"

busy thread only just got around to reading it ,... but has anyone actually asked you that

[Indadhanu]

Yep, we have a 'friend' actually who loves to joke about it, and even went so far as to say "I'm having a girls night, oh Shel you can't come you're the man you go out with the boys"

I think its just easier for some people to 'straighten' our realtionship IYKWIM. If they see one as the 'woman' and one as the 'man' its less confronting than two woman.

[Footsteps]

hi leash, just readin this thread and ur amazing to think about ppls questions n to answer them. I havent go a question iv got a few cousins who are in same sex couples so i am aware of the stuff being asked. You r amazin hun. Say hi to shell 4 me n give jazz a big hug. Take care rach x x

[Je$$_84]

Leasha just wanted to say i think its awesome that you have started this thread... I guess most people tend to be hesitant with their curiosity... and i think thats why alot of people dont understand or open their minds. I think this thread is a fantastic idea for people to see things more openly...

Few of my questions have been answered...

Also I can just imagine the faces once you reply with this...

Originally Posted by ~Leasha~
PMSL when someone asks "who's the man" I say "neither, we're lesbians"

Just wanted to add about the surname stuff... How did you choose who's surname to use??? Was there a clear choice or was it something that was discussed and agreed apon. Also excuse my ignorance but was curios about Jazz's birth certificate... Does it show both of your names??? like i know with my kids they have the mother and father part with details etc... do they accomodate this for you both??? I'd really hope that they would.

I think as you just said most people like to straighten out the relationship making either party the 'man' or 'women' does this get frustrating or do you think it is a way for people to somehow accept things better??? Kinda like a coping mechanisim for narrow minded people???

Also... just wanted to add with the "protector' stuff.. I have a man and still need to get up to bumps in the night and to kill bugs and spiders...

Thanks again for the thread leasha.

[Trillian]

Just wanted to ask you about what you said earlier about not having a popular opinion amongst other G&L parents about the whole IVF and the cost of it etc - it there an 'us and them' and why? I don't see why your opinion would be unpopular because what you said is pretty straightforward to me. And if there is a *divide* is it just borne out of frustration at the cost of becoming a parent?

And FWIW, when I was in year 10 there was a girl who came to our school who had two mums (but I think her birth mum's partner was a new partner kwim? So she was her stepmum I suppose) and in a very small country town in the early 90's that did raise a few eyebrows, but she was never picked on for that, but she was an oddity in her own right LOL so she copped a bit of flack for that as opposed to her family. So I can't see why in this day and age Jazz would have any issues from her peers, especially because you're already making great inroads in that area.

[Indadhanu]

Hi Jess

It was a fairly easy decision about the surname. My ties to my father and my fathers family are thin at best, and to be honest it was kind of liberating to break free of them, to be separate. Also they didn't accept Shel so there was never any desire on my or Shels part for her to take my fathers family name. Also, Shel's biological father passed away a few months before she was born, and she has his family name, so its is very important to her and I could never have asked her to consider changing her name, and so it was a fairly easy decision. Plus her surname is quite nice which too which is always a bonus!

I think as you just said most people like to straighten out the relationship making either party the 'man' or 'women' does this get frustrating or do you think it is a way for people to somehow accept things better??? Kinda like a coping mechanisim for narrow minded people???

I think it makes it a lot less confronting. They can apply their own stereotypes to our relationship, relate it to theirs, and it makes it easier for them to accept or at least tolerate.

Trillian, I think its mostly out of frustration at the cost ("its so unfair that 'we' have to pay for something that 'they' get for free" meaning sperm and the chance to be pregnant). I'm not as angry about it, I'm not angry that Medicare doesnt subsidise for woman who arent medically infertile. Yes it would be nice but... maybe its because I have PCOS... but then, we were prepared to pay the full fees before we knew... maybe I've just had some bad experiences with some people (not all though!).

[New Dawn]

I dont mean this rudly or anything but really just dont know so thought why not ask...

In the eyes of the law are you classed as a single parent or are you classed as a defacto parents....

And if you are classed as a single parent does that also mean you are intiled to sigle parent payments?

[Lolli]

Wow. Leasha, I just wanted to say what an amazing thread this is.... I think it's fantastic that you've opened it up.