Everything you want to know but have been too afraid to ask (about samesex parenting)

[Trillian]

Just wanted to ask you about what you said earlier about not having a popular opinion amongst other G&L parents about the whole IVF and the cost of it etc - it there an 'us and them' and why? I don't see why your opinion would be unpopular because what you said is pretty straightforward to me. And if there is a *divide* is it just borne out of frustration at the cost of becoming a parent?

And FWIW, when I was in year 10 there was a girl who came to our school who had two mums (but I think her birth mum's partner was a new partner kwim? So she was her stepmum I suppose) and in a very small country town in the early 90's that did raise a few eyebrows, but she was never picked on for that, but she was an oddity in her own right LOL so she copped a bit of flack for that as opposed to her family. So I can't see why in this day and age Jazz would have any issues from her peers, especially because you're already making great inroads in that area.

[Indadhanu]

Hi Jess

It was a fairly easy decision about the surname. My ties to my father and my fathers family are thin at best, and to be honest it was kind of liberating to break free of them, to be separate. Also they didn't accept Shel so there was never any desire on my or Shels part for her to take my fathers family name. Also, Shel's biological father passed away a few months before she was born, and she has his family name, so its is very important to her and I could never have asked her to consider changing her name, and so it was a fairly easy decision. Plus her surname is quite nice which too which is always a bonus!

I think as you just said most people like to straighten out the relationship making either party the 'man' or 'women' does this get frustrating or do you think it is a way for people to somehow accept things better??? Kinda like a coping mechanisim for narrow minded people???

I think it makes it a lot less confronting. They can apply their own stereotypes to our relationship, relate it to theirs, and it makes it easier for them to accept or at least tolerate.

Trillian, I think its mostly out of frustration at the cost ("its so unfair that 'we' have to pay for something that 'they' get for free" meaning sperm and the chance to be pregnant). I'm not as angry about it, I'm not angry that Medicare doesnt subsidise for woman who arent medically infertile. Yes it would be nice but... maybe its because I have PCOS... but then, we were prepared to pay the full fees before we knew... maybe I've just had some bad experiences with some people (not all though!).

[New Dawn]

I dont mean this rudly or anything but really just dont know so thought why not ask...

In the eyes of the law are you classed as a single parent or are you classed as a defacto parents....

And if you are classed as a single parent does that also mean you are intiled to sigle parent payments?

[Lolli]

Wow. Leasha, I just wanted to say what an amazing thread this is.... I think it's fantastic that you've opened it up.

[Indadhanu]

Tali, yes I'm seen as a single parent, and yes I get the single parents payment. I justify getting this even though I am in a defacto relationship because legally we aren't recognised as a couple so do not get a family dafety net, meaning we have to pay more to reach the limit than a straight family, we have to pay legal fees for a parenting order so we are both recognised as having parental rights and responsibilities which comes for free to straight couples, and if we were a staright couple we would ge a HCC based on Shel's wage, and she would have a HCC/be on my HCC (not sure exactly how that would work), but as it is now she does not, so Shel does not get any entitlements which costs us more.

[New Dawn]

Tali, yes I'm seen as a single parent, and yes I get the single parents payment. I justify getting this even though I am in a defacto relationship because legally we aren't recognised as a couple so do not get a family dafety net, meaning we have to pay more to reach the limit than a straight family, we have to pay legal fees for a parenting order so we are both recognised as having parental rights and responsibilities which comes for free to straight couples, and if we were a staright couple we would ge a HCC based on Shel's wage, and she would have a HCC/be on my HCC (not sure exactly how that would work), but as it is now she does not, so Shel does not get any entitlements which costs us more.

I dont think you should have to justify anything.... If the Goverment wasnt so old fashioned you would be seen as what you are a relationship, between two people who love each other enough to want to bring a baby into this world...

I bet you would drop the single parent payment if they would see you as a defacto...

Anyway thanks for answering all the questions I am learn heaps...BTW cant wait to meet you and all the other brissy/sunny coast girls next year

[boomba]

Well done Leesha for being an amazing woman. thankoyu for sharing your experiences and thoughts! xx

[Indadhanu]

Thanks Tali, can't wait to meet you are your gorgeous ones too! Yep, next year we will be seen as a family, well defacto at least, so YAY Sorry, I have done it on other posts too, defensive for no reason

[Nurse27]

Excellent Thread Leash! Has answered a lot of peoples burning questions

yes I'm seen as a single parent, and yes I get the single parents payment.

As far as I am aware the Centrelink rules regarding gay and lesbian couples is set to change next year, classing people who have lived together for a certain period of time as defacto couples, regardless of gender. Effectively this will mean a lot of single parent pensions will be adjusted, if not lost completely. Jay and I have looked into this a lot since ttc, because I am the main income earner (and intended birth mum), and Jay is unemployed.

The crazy thing about it all is that although the centrelink rules are changing the taxation laws are not, so any benefits will be dependent on my income, however at tax time I am the only one who can access any family tax benefits...

It needs to be all one way or all the other, not some recognition in some places lol

I too have come across angry lesbians cranky that the cost of fertility technology is so high - in SA you can ONLY access IVF if you have diagnosed medical infertility - not 'social infertility'. This is currently being debated in court however, because there is a woman whose husband died after putting sperm on ice, and the law now prohibits her from accessing this for IVF despite him leaving written consent - because she is otherwise healthy and fertile.

Thankfully I have PCOS too - funny I never thought I would say that lol - but I do feel sorry for those other girls in SA who can't access anything here because they are healthy.

Anyway - Great thread!

[briggsy's girl]

i think you'll find that the recognition of same sex couples starting next financial year will include both FTB and the pensions/income support payments. the TAX details may be different (can't claim dependents on tax) but if it's being recognised for pensions, it will be recognised for FTB purposes - they're all on the same system and linked through the same processes - no way you could be single for one, partnered for the other - it doesn't work!

[Indadhanu]

Yep Centrelink is changing, well I suppose change is change even if its a bit lopsided. Medicare is also recognising our families too which is really cool I imagine everyone in a defacto relationship would lose their single parent payment.
Not sure about the tax laws... I thought FTB goes on combined income, so regardless of who can claim it would still go on your combined income, so your income if that the only income?

do feel sorry for those other girls in SA who can't access anything here because they are healthy.

That is sad, I think if you're willing to pay for it then why not, no one should be excluded just because they aren't medically infertile, I just don't think Medicare should fund someone who isn't medically infertile (the way I see it you and I would have probably needed help if we were in a straight relationship so it was coming to us anyway ).

ETA: Bath missed your post... Shel and I have never been synced (we have overlapped a fwe times but nothing regular) so its not too tricky we are just sensitive to when each other needs space and thats that, not too different to a straight relationship

[New Dawn]

Ok last one I promise ( well for now anyway lol )


How do you deal with other kids when they ask ( or they will ) why Jaz doesnt have a daddy... I know that you will say that she has two mum's but knowing my girl as I do that wouldnt be enough... she will want to know WHY... Plus how would you like parents of other children to reatact when there child ( ok my child ) asks such questions, I would normally say something like Jaz is very speical beacuce she has two mummy's who love her very much, just like you have a mummy and a daddy who love you very much... Or something like that....

DD1 will ask what ever come to her mind and sometime I dont know what the right way of answering her is without affending the person she has just asked if that makes any sence... here is a small example the other day she went up to a lady who has dread locks down to her butt and asked her " Why she has rope in her hair" I didnt know what to say and just stood there looking really dopy ( which happen all the time lol) and just told her that it wasnt rope it was dread locks and some people like that in their hair... You guess it she said Why ....