Everything you want to know but have been too afraid to ask (about samesex parenting)

[Indadhanu]

Tali, yes I'm seen as a single parent, and yes I get the single parents payment. I justify getting this even though I am in a defacto relationship because legally we aren't recognised as a couple so do not get a family dafety net, meaning we have to pay more to reach the limit than a straight family, we have to pay legal fees for a parenting order so we are both recognised as having parental rights and responsibilities which comes for free to straight couples, and if we were a staright couple we would ge a HCC based on Shel's wage, and she would have a HCC/be on my HCC (not sure exactly how that would work), but as it is now she does not, so Shel does not get any entitlements which costs us more.

[New Dawn]

Tali, yes I'm seen as a single parent, and yes I get the single parents payment. I justify getting this even though I am in a defacto relationship because legally we aren't recognised as a couple so do not get a family dafety net, meaning we have to pay more to reach the limit than a straight family, we have to pay legal fees for a parenting order so we are both recognised as having parental rights and responsibilities which comes for free to straight couples, and if we were a staright couple we would ge a HCC based on Shel's wage, and she would have a HCC/be on my HCC (not sure exactly how that would work), but as it is now she does not, so Shel does not get any entitlements which costs us more.

I dont think you should have to justify anything.... If the Goverment wasnt so old fashioned you would be seen as what you are a relationship, between two people who love each other enough to want to bring a baby into this world...

I bet you would drop the single parent payment if they would see you as a defacto...

Anyway thanks for answering all the questions I am learn heaps...BTW cant wait to meet you and all the other brissy/sunny coast girls next year

[boomba]

Well done Leesha for being an amazing woman. thankoyu for sharing your experiences and thoughts! xx

[Indadhanu]

Thanks Tali, can't wait to meet you are your gorgeous ones too! Yep, next year we will be seen as a family, well defacto at least, so YAY Sorry, I have done it on other posts too, defensive for no reason

[danniellabella]

With regard to your answer about both of you being called some form of mum, do you think there may ever be confusion when she calls out "mum" which one of you she wants?

Also, when she is in her teens and adult years, would you be happy and accepting if she was straight or would part of you hope she will also be a lesbian?

I have a gay friend who has been trying to help a lesbian couple he knows get pregnant. I learnt a fair bit from hearing about his experience. I don't think they have been successful in getting pregnant and staying pregnant yet, but it's interesting to hear from his point of view as the father to be. I know your situation is different because you used a donar who I assume you don't know.

[Indadhanu]

Hi Danni,

Well, there might be confusion if she decides to call us both MUM. But from others we've talked to most kids work out what they want to call their mums and thats what works.

Also, when she is in her teens and adult years, would you be happy and accepting if she was straight or would part of you hope she will also be a lesbian?

LOL I was wondering when this question would pop up.
Happy and accepting all the way, as long as the person she decidees to be with respects and lvose and cares for her thats all that matters. Actually, I've never really assumed she'd be one or the other. I guess thats the beauty of being a lesbian and having to deal with family, knowing how important family support for whoever you choose to be with. All I hope for is that she is happy.


Oh I just remembered someone asked about telling jazz how she was conceived. We have a book called "where do i really come from" which she will have open access to from... well now because I'm already reading it to her LOL! It explains everything, including donor sperm and having two mums. The fact that she was born from donor sperm will never be hidden (well, bit hard anyway...).

[Maruschke]

Hi Leasha,

I love your thread. Thanks for opening up to us, I guess sometimes it's hard to understand without being told.

I am wondering whether or not you will teach Jazz about different religions, despite the fact that many are not tolerant? Just curious .

OO

[danniellabella]

LOL I was wondering when this question would pop up.
Happy and accepting all the way, as long as the person she decidees to be with respects and lvose and cares for her thats all that matters. Actually, I've never really assumed she'd be one or the other. I guess thats the beauty of being a lesbian and having to deal with family, knowing how important family support for whoever you choose to be with. All I hope for is that she is happy.

What a fantastic attitude!
I'll be honest and say that I was brought up in a family (immediate and extended family) to believe that same sex relationships are wrong. I am a Christian and believe in the Bible when it talks about a "man and a woman" However, now being an adult and having seen some things in the world that I wasn't exposed to as a kid I can say that while I may not totally agree with same sex relationships, I certainly do not judge people based on their sexual preference (any more). I prefer to get to know the person and then be friends with them based on their personality, not their sexual preference. I am somewhat facinated by how same sex relationships work and I'm sure that apart from the way in which the couple actually has sex, same sex relationships are probably much the same as hetrosexual relationships.
What I'm trying to say though, is despite how I was brought up, I do hope that when my daughter grows up that I can have the same positive and accepting attitude you have regardless of her sexual preference.

I hope this hasn't come across the wrong way.

[feeb]

What a great thread!!!

Well done on being so open and honest!!

[Bathsheba]

Thanks for answering my curly one Leash I guess it's the biological dynamic between same sex couples that intrigues me the most... rather than the purely sexual if that makes any sense. I am accutely aware of how my brain and body chemistry differs from my DH and like I said, sometimes it creates resentment, other times I am kinda glad we are different. When I referred to him being the Protector I also meant that when I am in the vulnerable state of being pregnant/in labour/in babymoon/BFing etc my DH steps up to protect me from modern life... such as the Real Estate Agent (LOL the last thing you want to do when you are babymooning is to deal with a rental inspection), sorting out our finances, dealing with unwanted phone calls and visitors, and basically dealing with all the complicated stuff in modern life that has nothing to do with having a baby. I know that when I am pregnant I often can't wrap my head around doing the tax for example... so greatfully just leave it all to my Protector DH. So what I was wondering... with same sex couples... especially Lesbians... do you, as the childbearing partner, get an extended "break" from all these modern issues? You say you "take turns"... and I guess i'm wondering whether I should have tried a bit harder to keep "taking turns" with my DH. I guess a lot of women manage to work up to the day they give birth in demanding office jobs.... then return to work within weeks of giving birth to the same demanding office jobs... where they are expected to be "up to speed" regadless of their more fragile hormonal state. So maybe I'm answering my own question LOL Personally I need a break from the pressures of life that are outside the realm of having a new baby... but maybe most women don't? Or can dip back into it more often than I can. I guess we all have our differences. I can't help but feel though that too many women are pressured to participate in responsibilites that have nothing to do with having a new baby too often these days... there's that modern expectation that having a baby shouldn't have to stop you from leading as "normal" life as possible. Geeze I'm actually feeling quite old-fashioned now LOL Anyhow... I just hope that you feel "protected" and sheilded Leash Having a baby is huge... and just personally I still reckon women need to find a softer place during this vulnerable time.

[sareeb]

great thread as my partner and i are ttc at the moment a lot of our straight friends and family are asking all these q's i think i may just direct them to here it will save me time lol. from reading through your answers it sounds like we have a lot of the same views and i just hope that when we do have a peanut of our very own we have the recognition we deserve as a "family". keep up the great work
one week the countdown is on

[Indadhanu]

oscaroscar, yep we'll be teaching her about all religions, I think thats important, but we'll skip the parts we don't like
LOL kidding, I'll be asking friends/family to help with that. Bit like godparents I suppose, only she'll have lots, to help her to learn about all different religions. Though there is a bit of truth to skipping the bits we don't like... more like skipping the bits that aren't relevant to modern society. Plenty of time for her to learn the oldfashioned bits later when she's an adult...

No offence to anyone of course...

Bath, oooo tricky one. I'm not really sure how to answer except to say that I have felt vulnerable in the past year. As the birth mum I would have loved to just be able to enjoy my babymoon after the birth. Shel had 6 weeks off but when it comes to running the house she can be really clueless, so while I had her home, I didn't really have a time where it was just me looking after Jazz and the rest of the world could wait (except for the 3 nights in hospital).
In that respect... I am resentful that I didn't get that time. Shel didn't have a strong protecter 'instinct' IYKWIM, her 'nurturing mum' side came out to Jazz, and I felt like I was completely unprotected. She didn't understand my need to just cocoon myself, to heal and bond after the c/s, she didn't go through that and she wasn't physically affected so it didn't occur to her that I needed shielding and protecting. I felt I couldn't say it either because she wanted to bond and ... so yeah I guess I am resentful that she didn't understand at all after the birth.

Did I answer that better? LOL

[briggsy's girl]

Leasha i think some of the "shielding" comes down to the person, not their gender! my DH will shield me from a lot, but some stuff he just assumes i'm ok with so doesn't worry about it. i do all the financial stuff, so i guess i shield him from that as well. it really is about the individual kwim?

i don't have any particular questions - have a lot of friends in same sex relationships, and one of the cousins i'm closest too is in a lesbian relationship and has two grown up children so i've kinda gone through all her ups and downs with her since i was a kid!

i do have to say i'm impressed you're making the effort to answer everyones questions though - if you haven't been exposed to relationships that aren't "normal hetero relationships" there can be a lot of questions


ooh - as to the religion bit - all jokes aside - i'm with you on exploring the parts that apply to "modern" life - there is a place for what used to be, and it's good to explain the way humanity has evolved - so that's definitely not just a "same sex parents" thing!

[Bathsheba]

Yep it's hard to adjust for most new parents though... parenting takes practise whatever your gender. Becoming a parent stirred something within DH's brain chemistry and his testosterone served to direct his energies (nervous energy excess most of the time) to at least motivating him into action when it came to protecting me from modern life. I'm sure Shell will grow as a parent and partner though... you kinda can't help but develop more empathy when you become a parent. I didn't want to suggest that same sex couples have any kind of biological handicap... any more than hetro couples... but I'm sure there are challenges and I guess this issue would be one that could be tricky. Hormones play such a huge role in the overall "mood" of a household (says an extra aware mum of a 13yo DD!!!)... My DD and I tend to synchronise with our menstral cycles (as most females living and working in close proximity do) which means we ovulate and have visits from AF at roughly the same time. This often wrecks havoc on our family harmony! LOL So... as an extension of that I was wondering if you and Shell find that your hormonal connections work when it comes to being a family and couple... what happens when you both get that hypersensitive PMT feeling at the same time each month... or is it different for you? (ETA: sorry, this is quite personal... please don't feel pressured to answer) Maybe I'm just a super-sensitive person and am overlaying my situation onto you!? Ah now I'm rambling Thanks for your continued patience with answering my queries! I'll give it a rest soon... promise! LOL

[Nurse27]

Excellent Thread Leash! Has answered a lot of peoples burning questions

yes I'm seen as a single parent, and yes I get the single parents payment.

As far as I am aware the Centrelink rules regarding gay and lesbian couples is set to change next year, classing people who have lived together for a certain period of time as defacto couples, regardless of gender. Effectively this will mean a lot of single parent pensions will be adjusted, if not lost completely. Jay and I have looked into this a lot since ttc, because I am the main income earner (and intended birth mum), and Jay is unemployed.

The crazy thing about it all is that although the centrelink rules are changing the taxation laws are not, so any benefits will be dependent on my income, however at tax time I am the only one who can access any family tax benefits...

It needs to be all one way or all the other, not some recognition in some places lol

I too have come across angry lesbians cranky that the cost of fertility technology is so high - in SA you can ONLY access IVF if you have diagnosed medical infertility - not 'social infertility'. This is currently being debated in court however, because there is a woman whose husband died after putting sperm on ice, and the law now prohibits her from accessing this for IVF despite him leaving written consent - because she is otherwise healthy and fertile.

Thankfully I have PCOS too - funny I never thought I would say that lol - but I do feel sorry for those other girls in SA who can't access anything here because they are healthy.

Anyway - Great thread!

[briggsy's girl]

i think you'll find that the recognition of same sex couples starting next financial year will include both FTB and the pensions/income support payments. the TAX details may be different (can't claim dependents on tax) but if it's being recognised for pensions, it will be recognised for FTB purposes - they're all on the same system and linked through the same processes - no way you could be single for one, partnered for the other - it doesn't work!

[Indadhanu]

Yep Centrelink is changing, well I suppose change is change even if its a bit lopsided. Medicare is also recognising our families too which is really cool I imagine everyone in a defacto relationship would lose their single parent payment.
Not sure about the tax laws... I thought FTB goes on combined income, so regardless of who can claim it would still go on your combined income, so your income if that the only income?

do feel sorry for those other girls in SA who can't access anything here because they are healthy.

That is sad, I think if you're willing to pay for it then why not, no one should be excluded just because they aren't medically infertile, I just don't think Medicare should fund someone who isn't medically infertile (the way I see it you and I would have probably needed help if we were in a straight relationship so it was coming to us anyway ).

ETA: Bath missed your post... Shel and I have never been synced (we have overlapped a fwe times but nothing regular) so its not too tricky we are just sensitive to when each other needs space and thats that, not too different to a straight relationship

[New Dawn]

Ok last one I promise ( well for now anyway lol )


How do you deal with other kids when they ask ( or they will ) why Jaz doesnt have a daddy... I know that you will say that she has two mum's but knowing my girl as I do that wouldnt be enough... she will want to know WHY... Plus how would you like parents of other children to reatact when there child ( ok my child ) asks such questions, I would normally say something like Jaz is very speical beacuce she has two mummy's who love her very much, just like you have a mummy and a daddy who love you very much... Or something like that....

DD1 will ask what ever come to her mind and sometime I dont know what the right way of answering her is without affending the person she has just asked if that makes any sence... here is a small example the other day she went up to a lady who has dread locks down to her butt and asked her " Why she has rope in her hair" I didnt know what to say and just stood there looking really dopy ( which happen all the time lol) and just told her that it wasnt rope it was dread locks and some people like that in their hair... You guess it she said Why ....