Having my gay friends baby?

[Trillian]

I think the bigger question is, are you ready to be a mother? This wouldn't be as simple as having your gay boss' baby. This would be a lifetime of commitment for you and what exactly would the roles be? Would he expect you to hand over full custody of the child for him to raise or would he expect you to raise the baby (and suffer financial penalty from not working for potentially the next 5-6 years) and he just be a weekend dad? Would he pay child support? Would you try to conceive this baby the 'old fashioned' way or through IVF? Who would pay for the IVF? (Which can cost 10's of thousands of dollars). Would you even be prepared to go through the hormonal and emotional upheaval that IVF places on the body? What about when you are older and you meet someone else - having a child with someone creates a whole lot of history that you then have to take with you into future relationships.

And then there is the fact that he is your boss and is a lot older and that inherently means he has power over you. he is only 33. As a man, he still has plenty of time to become a father with someone who is better equipped to deal with the complex nature of what he is asking you to do. It sounds to me like he's groomed you for this. I would bet good money on him dropping your friendship like a ****ty rag if you turned down his offer.

[Mumma T]

It sounds to me like he's groomed you for this. I would bet good money on him dropping your friendship like a ****ty rag if you turned down his offer.

This is what I immediately thought.

You could suggest looking at the topic again in another 5-7 years. That will allow you time to enjoy being a young adult before becoming a mother. It will also show if he is likely to be someone that will stick around. At 19 my DP at the time wanted marriage and babies, I suggested waiting til I was 21 - well he didn't stick around til then and I am forever grateful for suggesting this.

I personally would be steering clear of this man completely as something just doesn't sit right about the situation.

[*Efjay*]

If you are honest with yourself, do you think you have feelings for this man the extend beyond friendship?

Have you been in a serious relationship before? His age & professional status in your life is one thing, but for me your age is the deal breaker. Dont get me wrong I have no problem at all with a couple planning a family at a young age. But you are basically setting your self up (on purpose) to be a single Mum.

[diannescruffy]

If you were my daughter I would have some major concerns, you have your whole life ahead of you. It sounds like you feel sorry for this man and giving him a baby will make him happy. There are so many issues you need to consider and the ladies here have given some great advice.

Regards,
Dianne

[Cass72]

No, no, no.

There are so many issues here that are wrong.

For starters, he is 33, you are 18. He is your boss. You are only friends, indeed you didn't know him until recently. He is gay. Are you in some way hoping that he will "change" for you? That is not fair to him or to you. How are you going to try for this baby? Presumably if he's gay he won't really want to try the old fashioned way.

What if you met someone? What if he met someone (he's only 33 for goodness sake - I met my wonderful husband at 35 and we had our first child together at 38)?

Have you thought about the legalities? Who gets custody of the baby? Who is going to pay/support the baby?

Don't rush into this. You need some time for yourself to think things through fully. Are you able to speak with your mother, a sister, aunt, grandmother perhaps or is there someone else who you can trust?

[fionas]

As the others have said, this is not a good idea on so many levels. Who knows, maybe you and he have a really special bond and will know each other for the rest of your lives. But you may not. I don't think at this stage you can tell and the safest thing to do at the moment would be to at the very least delay this for a few years.

FWIW, I fell in love with a gay man when I was 18. He said he loved me too. We were both happy with the fact that we would never have sex and discussed getting married because at the time we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Our friendship/relationship lasted for 18 months and we barely had contact after that.

It's much too soon to be contemplating this.

[BrightSparkles]

This all sounds a bit "will and grace". The girls have def. given you some good advice. Hope you can make a good decision.

[Bathsheba]

I tend to agree with much of what's been said already in this thread. The fact that he is older or gay doesn't bother me... but your age does. Please understand that developmentally your brain, specifically your "risk assessment" frontal lobe won't be fully developed until you are about 25. Try to accept this limitation you have... I don't mean to be patronising. What you might not be able to factor into the equation is how a decision to have this man's child will affect your future relationships. You have a long life ahead of you. I wouldn't rush into anything. If this is meant to happen... it would be worth the wait. In the meantime I think, as a demonstration of commitment to each other in terms of being potential co-parents I think something tangible you could both do is work on gaining a bit more financial security for yourselves and the child if that's what you both deeply desire. If you can't channel your collective energies into that then I would question the wisdom of pursuing something as permanent as parenthood.