If you are interested in being a gestational surrogate or egg donor, that's one thing. There are a number of forums that could help you with that. The process involves various medical tests and counselling as well as legal issues.
If you're thinking of conceiving a child with your gay friend because you fell sorry for him/ want to rescue him from childlessness/ feel obligated, then the issue you're most likely dealing with is codependency. Which is your own stuff that you need to work on, rather than bringing a new soul into the world as an expression of your need to be needed. A human being is not an object you can gift someone. Any child is an individual with rights of their own; you will then have a responsibilty towards for the rest of your life. That means having a relationship, good or bad, with this man as well. As many single mums can tell you, there is a special hell called child support and trying to raise a child when a relationship breaks up.
What are you planning on doing? Have sex with your gay boss who you're planning on moving in with? That crosses the lines of so many boundaries it's not funny. Even if you use insemination, you'll both want to get tested for diseases and then get tested again six months down the track before going ahead with it. Can you trust him to use condoms during all forms of sex in that period?
have you discussed this with your parents, siblings or close friends? What do they say? If you don't have that kind of support, I would suggest you seek counselling before even making this kind of offer. With all kindness, I would suggest you seek counselling anyway. It sounds to me like don't have the best understanding of boundaries and self-respect. In the meantime, it may be worth your while researching co-dependency and seeing if you fit the description.
ETA - other things to consider include the effect of pregnancy and birth on your own physical and mental health. I'm not saying this to scare you, but because these are some of the realities many women face. How might the two of you handle possible infertility, miscarriage, hyperemesis gravidarum, pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes, poor prenatal diagnosis (ie. a baby with a severe abnormality), antenatal and/or post natal depression, SPD, cholestasis of pregnancy, birth and all it's variations and risks, prolapse, fistula, haemorrhage, infection. These things can and do happen to many women. It's one thing to undertake these risks because you want to birth and raise a soul, it's another thing to risk this for a man nearly twice your age who may well be grooming you for this.
Who will pay the bills? If he's already struggling to pay the rent, then what happens when he has a baby and you to support? What happens if things go pear shaped and he fights for custody?
Last edited by LionsandBears; February 5th, 2013 at 07:40 AM.
L&B has covered all my points in much more detail than I would have
And there's other things ... do you intend to breastfeed for the first year or two? How will that work, if you're perhaps not planning on being in the baby's life long term?
What might happen if you have your boss's baby and he changes his mind and no longer wishes to be a father?
Or if during the pregnancy or after the birth you cannot bear to part with the child, and then you have a custody battle on your hands?
Are you even going to be on the lease? What if he changes his mind, or you have a fight, or he kicks you out? Can you afford to support yourself, and a baby? What if you can't work?
Going on for the question about birth issues or having a baby with higher level of needs (physical, mental, developmental, other) is this something you are able to willingly buy into at 18 with a guy you've known for about a year who you're not in a committed relationship with?
And on the question of money - if he's already having trouble making ends meet (even though he's evidently in some sort of management roll, and 33 years old) to the extent that he's asking an 18 year old staff member to move in and help out, how exactly does he plan on supporting a baby?
Is it intended that he would support you during the pregnancy? What if you have a rough pregnancy or complications and you can't work? Will you be pooling finances? Will you be relying on Centrelink?
Do you have health insurance, or would you and the baby be relying exclusively on public health care for appointments, scans, bloodtests, etc? Plenty of people certainly opt to go through the public system, but from my experience, I've had to wait up to 3 hours for my appointments, have missed days of work because things are running really late or I've had to go to different places for tests, etc, which is tricky enough with flexible work hours and a car, and a committed partner of over 10 years helping me out.
What about when the baby arrives? Who will look after the baby? What will they call you? If you're going to be involved, what will happen if and when you meet someone and want to live with them? Get married? Have more kids? What happens if he meets someone? What if he is actually bi and meets and settles down with a woman, or finds another surrogate and wants more kids with her? If one or both of you partner up and move on, where will the baby live? What about your families? Will your parents get grandparent privilleges? Or will then be expected to butt out because this is your boss's baby?
What if the child at an older age wants to contact you? Move in with you? Will you be ok to be 30 with a 12yo? Kids have rights to access their parents that don't necessarily go both ways. Have you looked into what your RIGHTS and OBLIGATIONS will be to the baby, and to your boss?
Have you looked into what policies there are at your work for people sleeping together (irrespective of whether they're in a relationship)? Is there a chance that if people find out one or both of you might lose your job?
Do you have plans to travel, study more, move interstate? Do you know what you want to be doing in 20 years time? 10 years time? 5 years time? 2? 1?
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