I have all these thoughts swimming around my head and I really need to get them down because they are bothering me. This topic brings back memories from my social studies class and some points are from what I have been taught and are not necessarily my personal views. I?m just asking the questions.

It started last week when my boss advised me of another staff member?s miscarriage. For the purpose of this entry I will call her CW. CW had only just announced her pregnancy and took a week?s sick leave to deal with her loss. My boss asked me to organise flowers and I sent her a card saying we were all thinking of her and how sorry we were for her loss. She returned yesterday and emailed me a note of thanks, expressing how grateful she was for the support. I emailed her back and asked her if she wanted to go out for coffee sometime and she agreed. We have never been particularly close, but I think she really needed someone to talk to.

CW told me how she was nervous to come back to work as everyone would know what had happened and would be feeling sorry for her. But instead, she said it was the complete opposite. Instead, people were dodging her at every turn and when they did need to see her about a work matter they were speaking briefly and light heartedly ? almost nervously, as if she was about to break (especially the men). She said that only three people had given her their condolences and nobody else was willing to even bring it up with her. She said she felt very isolated and alone. CW then went on to ask the question that has been ringing in my mind ?Why don?t we talk about these things??

Why don?t we? I know that even I was nervous to bring it up with her. Perhaps my knowledge gained from BB allowed me some insight ? I knew she would need a friend.

I remember last year when my Grandfather died. My work was so incredibly supportive. I was sent flowers, given the week off, my boss attended the funeral and people gave me lots of hugs upon my return to work. I was so fragile and the support from my colleagues really helped me return to normal. People didn?t dodge me. They asked each day how I was doing, how my Mum was doing and how the funeral was. Sometimes I got sad ? but people were even more supportive at that point.

So why is CW?s situation any different to mine? It is still a loss of life. A loss of a family member. Why isn?t she being consoled in the same way?

I discussed this further with another work colleague who has gone through breast cancer (5 years in remission). I will call her KW. KW told me that when she had breast cancer she went through the same thing that I just discussed. People found it really hard to talk about it with her and found it really uncomfortable when she brought it up. She said that it was probably because breast cancer can be a terminal illness and that in itself has a stigma attached to it. It could also have been because she had no hair. But KW maintains the main reason behind peoples fear of discussing it was because it is a ?Women?s Illness? and that carries the biggest stigma of all. Her husband began cheating on her during her illness and they legally separated before the end of her treatment. After one heated fight he admitted that he no longer felt sexually attracted to her and went looking elsewhere. During the same year that she was cleared of cancer, her ex husband married the woman that he had been cheating on her with. It was bittersweet for KW.

This really got me thinking. Is there a difference between men?s/unisex illnesses and women?s illnesses? So I tried it out on a couple of DH?s colleagues last night. I wasn?t looking for a moment to bring something up ? it kind of just happened and I jumped at the chance. I was having a casual chat to one of the girls and next to her was one of the boys. She was telling me that she recently had a tetanus shot and that her arm had been incredibly tender. The guy said he still remembered his tetanus shot from when he was 12. So I brought up the topic of the cervical cancer vaccine, asking her if she had been vaccinated. It was almost instantaneous. The guy wandered into the back office and rummaged around for something and then started talking to DH. I couldn?t believe it, it was almost too easy. I predicted that would happen and it actually did, meanwhile the girl was oblivious to him leaving and went on to discuss the three injections that she had had.

Is there a different social acceptance between a woman?s illness and a man?s illness?

Was he uncomfortable because the word ?cervix? is associated with the word ?vagina?? I think that is exactly why he left the room.

Why is that that things like vitamins, common colds, melanomas, bee stings and allergies are commonly and openly discussed, but things like the pill, miscarriages, breast cancer, cervical cancer, hormones, infertility and the like are not?

Are these issues put away behind closed doors by society? Are these issues seen as taboo because we are women?

Here is my opinion. Women are seen as sexual. We have a mystery about us that men don?t. While their sexual organs are openly present, ours is hidden ? therefore making us, to some extent, a sexual organ as a whole. Our legs, bums and breasts are all parts of our bodies that turn men on. To some, women are ?sex on legs?.

But I am sure that when I woman is dealing with breast cancer (and I use this as an example after discussions with KW) she doesn?t think of her breasts in a sexual way. So is this why we feel uncomfortable about discussing these issues? Is it human nature to think of sex when we think of women? Is the reason something like breast cancer has a stigma attached to it because we see the female?s breast as a sexual symbol?

What about infertility? That also has a stigma attached to it. It is very rarely openly discussed in an everyday public setting. But why? Is it because of the cultural pressures within society that married couples must reproduce?

Why is menopause seen as an illness? It is guaranteed to happen to every woman so it is clearly not an illness. But it is treated as one. I think it is because it represents the end of the reproductive years and therefore eliminates a woman?s ability to bear children ? ?discrediting? her femininity and social identity.

Do these issues damage a woman?s social identity? Is that why people shy away from openly discussing these topics? Would society rather be in denial and continue to view women as the sexual creatures that they are perceived? Women?s illnesses distort that view.

Is a woman?s inability to carry a child reflective of ?failing? as a woman? No it?s not.

Does a woman?s diagnosis of breast cancer mean that she is damaged goods? No it doesn?t.

I don?t have an answer to any of these questions, nor a solution. But I do think that this is why these topics are not discussed in an everyday social setting.

I think it is essential that a woman be able to talk about these issues. That is why forums such as the ones on BB are so amazing. We are talking and sharing and supporting each other through everything. If only every day society could be the same. But I think getting this kind of support in the real world is more difficult, especially support from men (who are not close to you).

I think that women who have ?Women?s Illnesses? cop this stigma because they have an illness which relates to their sexuality.

This may be seen as controversial topic but I really needed to get that down as it has been on my mind for days. What better place to discuss this than right here on BB.